Ch1: thoughts and wishes
"Sparkle, you need to wake up, Princess Celestia wishes to speak with you."
A small voice winded in irritation, as a faint sound of sheets shuffled in the room. Spike, now 22 years old, opened the grand door to Sparkle's chamber. Well, more like a libary, but that's not the point.
"Gee Sparks, I thought you would be exited for today." Spike mocked, going towards the centre of the room, as a large double bed was held by metal chains, making the bed float in the air. It wasn't too high, but it was as high as a normal pony's hight. There was a wooden step surrounding the bed, for of course, getting onto it.
Around the room, there was a massive telescope pointing at the sky. The rooms theme was the night. He knew Sparks loved the night, hint, it was in her name. The walls were like a galaxy, stars, colours and planets covering each and every gap. The floor was a nice dark wood, just like the bed/foor frames and other things as such.
A lavender horn was poking out the covers, messily blue hair spreading across a pillow. "Auhhmmmm...aaabout whuat exactlyy..."
"The Princess was going to spend the day with you, remem-"
Spike was quickly interrupted when a purple blur went crashing onto him, making the poor dragon land on his back.
"OH YEAH! GIVE ME uhhhhh...... APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES AND 26 SECONDS"
Right there, a lavender 'pony' ran towards a grand desk. Books, scrolls and feathers were scattered everywhere. Sparkle was searching for a hairbrush as she started to make herself presentable, using magic to brush her teeth. A grin appeared on the dragon, sitting up as he watched the 'pony' dart across the room.
"Heh, a filly pushing a grown dragon onto the floor, you don't see that everyday" a little giggle echoed from the corner, a hairbrush enveloped in a purple aura brushing the 'pony's' mane.
"Oh hush you. I'm older than you remember? You just grow quicker weirdo."
Spike grunted. Yes, a filly was older than him. But she wasn't normal like other ponies, oh no she wasn't.
Sparkle was a unicorn? Well, part unicorn he guessed. Her fur was a colour of lavender, as her mane was a dark blue containing a bright pink and purple stripe all through her mane and tail. She had small, yet noticeable fangs, her eyes had a faded blue instead of white, holding dragon-like eyes as her pupil's. Her ears were a little more fluffier, yet the rest of her fur was more thinner than the usual ponies.
As for her abilities and such, Sparkle had great night vision, her magical abilities exceding far greater than any unicorn in Cantorlot. But the major issue was her growth.
The 'pony' was now 34, yet she sounded, looked, and thinked like a 14 year old. Yes she does grow, but very slowly. And her memory was so amazing, that calling her a filly sounded odd, as of course, she was talented in both knowledge and magic.
"I still can't believe the Princess wants me to take care of you, I remember when it was the opposite" Spike chucked, noticing Sparkle about the rush out the room.
"Sparkle hold oonnn, can't you see a dragon is still without his coffee" Spike tiredly said, as she went towards the door. Sparkle was buzzing at this point. It had been 2 weeks since the Princess and herself had a real convostation, due to the attack in Las Vegas, drawing the Princesses attention away to help the city and its remains. Thankfully, there weren't as many deaths as they suspected, and ponies have started constructing their homes back its former glory.
So now, Princess Celestia can start teaching Sparkle again, but first...
The 'unicorn' hopped onto the purple/green dragon, getting comfortable as Spike waited patiently.
Holding a smaller smile, Sparkle stated "Okay, I'm ready now"
Spike catched up on his 'big sisters' mood, replying in a humours way to try and enlighten the trip. "Well then, Lady Sparkle, let's escort you to Princess Celestia" a little sigh was heard behind him, making him walk to the Princess's Chambers.
---$---$----
'They are staring again...'
Guards, advisers, and nobles trotted around the corridors, and Spike and herself did to. If she had to be honest with herself, she hates Equestria. Why exactly? Well she wasn't accepted into society. Because of her 'monstrous' features, connection to a dragon and growing slower than other ponies, she wasn't treated with respect.
Not even that, but everywhere she went, everypony would make fun of her, mutter things to others or to themselves. It wasn't the best thing, but it was manageable.
A noble she guessed, wearing a long blue dress, a styled white mane with light blue fur shot a disgusting look towards her. Once she was passed the two of them, her left ear twitched as she head a mutter under the mares mouth. "I dont know what the Princess sees in that thing. She should be in a forest, or something.."
Sparkle looked down onto Spikes back and sighed. 'It's okay Sparkle. Just a normal day as usual.. no need to think about it'
But that was the problem, she couldn't. Was she really a monster? A thing that should live in the forest? Sparkle's head lift up as she scanned the guards, seeing them look straight at her with a in easy glare. Then to the right side, she noticed two guards were talking to eachother silently, one looking up and down her with a death stare. The other one? They were looking a little angry, facing towards the opposite wall.
'Why can't I be normal... i hate this.. I hate these stupid ponies. I'm one of them. And sure, I look different than most, but I'm still a pony. I've been here for 20 years now, why can't they just accept me?..'
Her right ear twitched. The two guards.
"Look, it's the Princesses pet, hopefully she will get rid of the creature soon enough"
"Yeah, but she hasn't done anything though? She's really kind actually, I talked to her yesterday"
"Retrolo, I know you have a soft spot for everyone, but that thing, is not nice. I've seen her when she's practicing spells with the princess, at one point, she nearly beat Celestia in a dual"
"WAIT what?! That rumor was real? So does that mean she..."
"Yeah, her 'faithful' student made the Princess go into the hospital for a few days, apparently she broke her wing. I don't know how she's still alive, normaly ponies who injure royalty are sentenced to the dungeons, probably death by the looks of her"
Yep. Not the best moments she had. The Princess didn't mind, she was actually more proud of herself for becoming such a strong filly than her broken wing. It wasn't a magical fight, more hoof to hoof duals. The dual was actually supposed to be secret. And privet. But sadly, Celestia missed a attack and well, she had to be treated.
"Andddd we are here." Snapping out of her thoughts, she noticed Spike lowered his wing onto the floor. Slowly, Sparkle shuffled to the wing before sliding down, landing on all four hooves.
Spike glanced at Sparkle with a small, yet genuine smile, as she focused his gaze onto the Princesses door. To her chambers. Lifting his claw, he knocked onto the door twice, before speaking. "Princess Celestia? It's Spike. I have Sparkle with me."
A second of sielence, before the door opened with a soft golden aura. The door swung all the way before meeting the gaze of one of the ponies she really cared about. Princess Celestia.
Her coat was a bright white, no dust or marks anywhere, making her coat perfect. A colour scheme of blue, green, pink and purple waved in a beautiful way, which was her mane. Two noticeable features were her horn and wings, symbolising as the only alicorn in Equestria..Well, at the moment anyways. Two light violet eyes met hers filled with nothing but love. And of course her cutie mark. The sun. As you know, she rose the sun.
"Hello Sparkle. Its nice seeing you after a while. Please, come in and make yourself comfortable, I must have a word with Spike for a moment. Is that okay?" Celestia asked, nuzzling the 'unicorn' with great affection.
Sparkle sighed, and nodded. Breaking apart, she entered Celestia's chambers, as the alicorn in question closed the door, talking to Spike.
Now, Princess Celestia's chambers weren't as big as you'd think, but it's still amazing. It's probably the same size as her own chambers, just a bigger bathroom.
The room was, of course, in a solar theme, colours of yellow, gold and white covering the area. There was a desk, a queen sized bed (which was massive), some shelves filled with books and scrolls, photos of past and present, and so on.
It was simple, but still fit for a Princess.
Trotting towards their usual sitting place near the fire place, she sat on a velvet pillow, lying down as she waited, and thought.
-----$-----$------
The solar princess shut the door, as she created a golden bubble over the two. And no, it wasn't see through.
'Sound proof and sight spell.' Spiked thought. "Is there anything you need Princess?"
The Princess of Equestria, slayer to many monstrous villains and ruler of the sun, lifted her royal mask.
She was crying.
Not even that, but she was shaking slightly. Her eyes watered as the princess lifted her head to meet Spike's.
She was hurt. And he knew why..
"It's in two days Spike... she needs to go to Ponyvile tonight..she needs to for Equestria.. my sister will be returning, and she is the element of magic.." Celestia breathed in slowly as she continued. "She's only 14.. and I'm sending her to certain death. Im supposed to be protecting her! But I'm only going to cause her great pain.."
Spike hugged his mother figure tighter, waiting a minute for her to calm down before speaking. "Celestia. I know you don't want to, I don't want to either, but we don't have a choice. When she meets the 5 element wielders, she will be safe. Trust me, I've met one before, and she is quite a strong pony for the adverage earth pony. I'm guessing she's....19 now?"
The Princess looked at him, looking unsure about the situation.
Sighing, the drake stared into the alicorns eyes. "Princess. You have done many things for us, Sparkle included. You gave us a home, a place to live and learn. You feel like the mother I never had. Sparkle looks up to you as a true friend. She has four amazing friends to aid her. You, me, Cadence and Shining. Heck, we are like family to her. She's happy, and she would help no matter what." Spike removed a tear from Celestia, sighing. "But we cannot change what will happen. We don't know if Nightmare moon will kill her, take her, or lose the fight. We don't know. But we have a chance to save everypony..and to save Sparkles relationships with other ponies.."
Celestia sighed. She knew this was the only way, the only way to save her land and to protect the ones she loved. But was it worth it? Sending a young (figurative age of 14) pony into a battle field, to a powerful alicorn who could bring on eternal night? She did not know. But hopefully things will turn out okay.
Locking eyes into Spikes, she smiled. Spike has always seem like a son she never had. He was always there, helping out with the castle or taking care of Sparkle. Every since her most faithful student hatched him, he was like her son, raising him ( and Sparkle) through the years.
Celestia let go of the hug, and wiped her eyes. "Thank you Spike, you always know what to say"
The solar Princess never showed weakness to anypony. No pony. But only Sparkle, Cadence, and Spike. Spike was good with big decisions or complicated ones. Cadence was good with relationships or love in friendships. Sparkle was good with magical, economical, or deserts. She did not know how, but Sparkle would pick or combine the best suited deserts. It was amazing.
Anyways, back to her point, she never showed weakness. Through her thousand years alone, due to her sisters banishment, she had no one to talk to. No one to rely and open up to. Celestia fought, worked, and kept things together in Equestria, and herself. But when she met those inderviduals, her life sparked with hope. She had friends. A family.
"Your welcome Celestia. Now, I think it's time you tell Sparkle about going to Ponyvile. I'll go with her, for protection. Some dragon must protect his little sister" he puffed his chest, hoping to look heroic and brave. However, Celestia just giggled.
"More like the little sibling protecting the oldest."
Spike moaned. "Yeahhh but she's 14. I'm 22! Sure, she's 34 technically, but because she will outlive possibly me and other ponies due to her growth, she's 14 in her mind and soul. Sooooooo"
The dragon smirked, before the alicorn face hoofed. 'This dragon'
A few moments later, the bubble went silent, just both of them smiling at one another. The Princess broke the silence, knowing time was short. "Okay, I'll tell her now. You will be leaving tomorrow morning, I will send a chariot with two guards who are the closest with Sparkle at 9am. You will be meeting the element wielders as you know, make sure she becomes friend with them, even if it's a small bond. The mayor will meet you at the town square when you are ready to revive a key to the libary. Before you ask, there are two bedrooms in it, so don't worry. The rest will be up to you" Celestia breathed, giving a few moments for the dragon to process.
He nodded in understanding, and the golden bubble vanished, leaving both Inderviduals to take their separate paths.
She breathed slowly, before opening the door to her chambers. "Sorry for keeping you for so long, a important thing came up. Now, please don't take this personally, but tomorro-"
The door closed gently with small click, leaving the two powerful mages to talk, and discuss the upcoming events.
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Why do you refer to Twilight as just Sparkle in the synopsis?
Flooflight sparkle
Is this supposed to be an alternate universe?
God I cringed so fucking hard. The expositing and reiteration is rediculous. The framing is weird as hell and slips extremely often. This needs some work. Roped me in with the interesting premise, which is a nifty bit of work, but the wording of all of this is offputting enough for me to abandon it. Sorry.
Nitpicking a bit, but the characters dont act their age. Not really all that important, its ignorable.
Please get a proofreader. I'd like to come back and read this sometime soon.
Ok is English a second language for you, cause the Grammer is painful, and restating things over and over is annoying. As to swapping Twilight Sparkle to Sparkle Twilight, that just feels wrong, like a name you'd seen on a bootleg MLP toy. There is a interesting idea here, Twilight being born a Batpony Alicorn that slows her physically and mentally growing up. But this feels like a first draft in need of rewriting.
I like it, keep it up👍
it won't be another story that dies after chapter two, will it?
11106989
Yeah it was tbh, I wrote it last night as I was bored. I'll plan it through this time and make it less messy. Just wanted to experiment with it too see if the idea was worth it. Thanks for the advice btw
11107072
Nah, I'm actually motivated to do it, I will re write this chapter again so it makes more sense and to change a few things :)
don't dragons live for centuries? Technically, Spike should also age slowly.
11107343
Yeah, I will need to change that to, he will grow slowly like 'Sparkle' ( changing it back to Twilight btw) but quicker, like in the actual show, Spike grows quite quick
I think you meant desserts.
11107320
Ay good! Looking forward to this one. Lemme know when it's done :)
11108002
Yep- as I said, made it at night as I was bored, I'm going to write it again properly lmao
The concept you have here is neat, but just like others have said, you really do need to pay more attention to your grammar. What's more, I'd recommend focusing on showing more than telling. You're reiterating things, like Twilight's age, which is a bit annoying, as the reader is already aware of the fact that she's surprisingly old compared to how she's acting.
The dialogue as well feels a bit unnatural. Let's take this excerpt for example:
There are little things here that sound off. Like saying "the oldest," which implies more siblings, despite that not being the case.
What was also weird is Spike saying "this dragon," which I assume is the continuation/ending to "Some dragon must protect his little sister," but because both he and Celestia talked a bunch in the meantime, it feels pretty disconnected.Nevermind, I actually understand now that this is Celestia speaking. Due to the fact that both characters are mentioned in the sentence, it's a bit hard to discern who's talking.Here's how I'd rewrite it, I hope it might help you:
My personal recommendation would be to just take things slower, both in terms of pacing and you releasing chapters. Read through your words as many times as necessary to catch all (or, at the very least, most) grammar issues and if you struggle with that, get a proofreader. There are a lot of people who freely do such services and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. The best authors employ teams of others to really make their stories shine.
As for the story, I'd introduce Twilight's "otherness" much more slowly. Make the reader guess a bit why she's ostracized. And once you do reveal that she's a batpony (I assume that's what you're going for, sadly I wasn't entirely sure from the story,) make it really feel impactful. After all, she's a creature who's not only considered a myth before Luna's return, but is also strongly connected to the princess, which could serve as an additional reason why she's the key to redeeming Nightmare Moon.
I put your story on my tracking list and I'll be curious how you'll take things from here.
Good luck!
An interesting story of to a great start.
A few stumbling stones (already mentioned by others) but it is written a lot better than some... stories... I have seen here.
After all: Skill can only come from experience.
Equestria. Land of xenophobia and racism. Where Pony supremacists are in control of the education and the nobility is a pile of arrogant self-centered idiots who are anything but noble...
11108873
This was a massive help, and yes, I'm going to make a timeline, rough ideas for chapters and take it slow. I don't really write fanfictions as such, but I want to try and do so. Thank you for telling me these things, and I'll take your advice :)
Well this is certainly interesting. You're going to restart and continue? I'll definitely track if you do.
11116768
I'm posting the chapter again on a different story somepoint this week. I'm just having trouble with finding time :)
11117402
You won my interest and now want to know where you go with it.
Посмотрим, что из этого выйдет. По крайней мере, начало хорошее.
Pretty cool story. Interesting take on the episode. Added to my read list.
11117402
ill be keeping an eye on this
Reread. Still think it has potential.
A story about Twilight being different? Well I don't see a lot of stories about that.
A story where Twilight is being stereotyped because she looks evil but she really isn't, I like it, it had potential and it's such a shame such potential was wasted and then canceled!