I come, I go, and I make really stupid fanfictions.
Sparkle was a pony. Well, part pony she guessed.
She didn't know what she really was, all she knows is that ponies didn't like her. Not one bit.
However, Princess Celestia has sent her, and her Dragon Spike, to organise and review the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration.
But that night. That fateful night..may turn into a dreading nightmare.....
08/08/22- Wtf was I writing man...
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Why do you refer to Twilight as just Sparkle in the synopsis?
Flooflight sparkle
Is this supposed to be an alternate universe?
God I cringed so fucking hard. The expositing and reiteration is rediculous. The framing is weird as hell and slips extremely often. This needs some work. Roped me in with the interesting premise, which is a nifty bit of work, but the wording of all of this is offputting enough for me to abandon it. Sorry.
Nitpicking a bit, but the characters dont act their age. Not really all that important, its ignorable.
Please get a proofreader. I'd like to come back and read this sometime soon.
Ok is English a second language for you, cause the Grammer is painful, and restating things over and over is annoying. As to swapping Twilight Sparkle to Sparkle Twilight, that just feels wrong, like a name you'd seen on a bootleg MLP toy. There is a interesting idea here, Twilight being born a Batpony Alicorn that slows her physically and mentally growing up. But this feels like a first draft in need of rewriting.
I like it, keep it up👍
it won't be another story that dies after chapter two, will it?
11106989
Yeah it was tbh, I wrote it last night as I was bored. I'll plan it through this time and make it less messy. Just wanted to experiment with it too see if the idea was worth it. Thanks for the advice btw
11107072
Nah, I'm actually motivated to do it, I will re write this chapter again so it makes more sense and to change a few things :)
don't dragons live for centuries? Technically, Spike should also age slowly.
11107343
Yeah, I will need to change that to, he will grow slowly like 'Sparkle' ( changing it back to Twilight btw) but quicker, like in the actual show, Spike grows quite quick
I think you meant desserts.
11107320
Ay good! Looking forward to this one. Lemme know when it's done :)
11108002
Yep- as I said, made it at night as I was bored, I'm going to write it again properly lmao
The concept you have here is neat, but just like others have said, you really do need to pay more attention to your grammar. What's more, I'd recommend focusing on showing more than telling. You're reiterating things, like Twilight's age, which is a bit annoying, as the reader is already aware of the fact that she's surprisingly old compared to how she's acting.
The dialogue as well feels a bit unnatural. Let's take this excerpt for example:
There are little things here that sound off. Like saying "the oldest," which implies more siblings, despite that not being the case.
What was also weird is Spike saying "this dragon," which I assume is the continuation/ending to "Some dragon must protect his little sister," but because both he and Celestia talked a bunch in the meantime, it feels pretty disconnected.Nevermind, I actually understand now that this is Celestia speaking. Due to the fact that both characters are mentioned in the sentence, it's a bit hard to discern who's talking.Here's how I'd rewrite it, I hope it might help you:
My personal recommendation would be to just take things slower, both in terms of pacing and you releasing chapters. Read through your words as many times as necessary to catch all (or, at the very least, most) grammar issues and if you struggle with that, get a proofreader. There are a lot of people who freely do such services and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. The best authors employ teams of others to really make their stories shine.
As for the story, I'd introduce Twilight's "otherness" much more slowly. Make the reader guess a bit why she's ostracized. And once you do reveal that she's a batpony (I assume that's what you're going for, sadly I wasn't entirely sure from the story,) make it really feel impactful. After all, she's a creature who's not only considered a myth before Luna's return, but is also strongly connected to the princess, which could serve as an additional reason why she's the key to redeeming Nightmare Moon.
I put your story on my tracking list and I'll be curious how you'll take things from here.
Good luck!
An interesting story of to a great start.
A few stumbling stones (already mentioned by others) but it is written a lot better than some... stories... I have seen here.
After all: Skill can only come from experience.
Equestria. Land of xenophobia and racism. Where Pony supremacists are in control of the education and the nobility is a pile of arrogant self-centered idiots who are anything but noble...
11108873
This was a massive help, and yes, I'm going to make a timeline, rough ideas for chapters and take it slow. I don't really write fanfictions as such, but I want to try and do so. Thank you for telling me these things, and I'll take your advice :)
Well this is certainly interesting. You're going to restart and continue? I'll definitely track if you do.
11116768
I'm posting the chapter again on a different story somepoint this week. I'm just having trouble with finding time :)
11117402
You won my interest and now want to know where you go with it.
Посмотрим, что из этого выйдет. По крайней мере, начало хорошее.
Pretty cool story. Interesting take on the episode. Added to my read list.
11117402
ill be keeping an eye on this
Reread. Still think it has potential.
A story about Twilight being different? Well I don't see a lot of stories about that.
A story where Twilight is being stereotyped because she looks evil but she really isn't, I like it, it had potential and it's such a shame such potential was wasted and then canceled!