- Member Since 30th Apr, 2018
- online
FruitTrifle
Literally nothing on here is below mature, just to warn
FruitTrifle
Joined 30th Apr, 2018 ·
Online
Sequels1
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FruitTrifle · 8.8k words · 38 34 · 2k views
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The story itself has decent grammar, nothing to say other than it is a story that makes it clear in a concrete manner what's going on, that much I won't argue.
However, there are some small details that should be edited or looked over, mainly the presence of these - that are spread over the story. They have no real reason to be there when they could be easily replaced by either a , or an .
Both Shinning Armour and Cadence do seem to be OOC due to how easily it was for Prince Domino to corrupt her with almost no effort on her part, when usual this type of corruption of moral takes a lot of time, in some cases even years to make it believable.
And noting that he never threatened to kill Shinning, there is no particular reason as to why she would've fallen so quickly outside of the 'magic of his cock'
I understand that this isn't something you would've written otherwise, stating that this is a commission.
I am still a bit confused as for why the massive disparity between likes and dislikes though.
Poor Shiny.
As what was just pointed out. When starting a new set of dialogue you need to indent to a new paragraph. For instance:
"You shall love and worship my cock, princess."
"Yes! Oh, yes!"
Two people should not have dialogue in the same paragraph. Gets confusing.
Always time for good structure even when being blue balled and cucked. *Wink*
10973433
i assume for some of the reasons you brought up, and that i should have taken more time to edit. gotta do better on the next one-and thank you for your critiques, it'll be very helpful to keep this all in mind.
Its gonna be continue with other princesses becoming zebra prince broodmares?