• Member Since 8th Sep, 2018
  • offline last seen 52 minutes ago

Dashie04


"Here to stay, is the new bird. He sings a love song, as we go along, walking in a Winter Wonderland."- Bing Crosby (Dashie | she/her | pfp by Omi)

T
Source

(Inspired by Johnny Cash’s amazing cover of Legend in My Time)

He sold had millions, ponies would go out and get every new record he released. However, Cash Money still feels like something’s missing. Now, alone and forgotten, he contemplates what fame actually means.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

An interesting piece. I like how you told Cash Money's story through the newspaper clippings. Notably, Cash talks about himself with rather muted emotion and simple language, expressing the jadedness of his character that echoes how once-famous people in real life talk about their story. That they screwed up, went down a path of screw-ups, and regret it, but can't do anything about it anymore.

My only gripe is that it really does just feel like that- an influencer laying out his story. I would have loved to see more of Cash's side of the story (because, ironically, even though he's the one telling it, most of what we see here is only the newspaper or the world's side of the story). I wanted more of that personal stuff, like if he ever did want to meet the Cashiers again and apologise, how he saw his ex/marefriend and how she might have affected his life choice, that kind of thing. The facts are great in that it builds the world, but the story that takes place in the world feels lacking. Not that it's a bad piece, though— it's skillfully written enough that I was engaged throughout the story, but by the end of it it feels more like celebrity gossip or a cautionary tale about success, rather than a personal, reflective story like I was expecting from the blurb.

Nitpick: in the beginning, the tense switches between past and present.

I pick up the first newspaper clipping, a candid shot in black and white. It shows me

In blurb:

He had once sold millions. Ponies would go out and get every new record he released.

10906089
I thought I fixed all the mixed tenses, I guess it was 1 AM, anyways, that’s fixed now.

I think the reason why I didn’t tell his side of the story is because he agreed with what the newspapers are saying. I do get what you’re saying, and I do realize that I could’ve gone down that path.

I glad you got at least some enjoyment from the story, however. Unless you’re the one dislike, in which case, I’m glad that you at least left some constructive criticism.

10906272
Huh, I don't see no dislike. In any case, I clicked the like button.

10907121
It has 7 total ratings, but you just can't see them because it doesn't have 10 yet. However, I can.

There's currently 6 likes and 1 dislike, and I'm currently debating if I have a hater (A Single Seed has a single dislike too), which is admittedly kind of exciting to think about (of course, it could merely be coincidence).

10907126
I suspect I have a hater too, I have exactly one dislike on all my stories.

Well, where to start...
I will not lie, this style of writing is not one I usually jump to, nor is the premise something that is guaranteed to hook tons of viewers, but honestly, that's ok.
It's quite clear when reading this that you had a bit of trouble coming up with descriptive language with which to tell the story of Cash Money, and sometimes you repeated yourself. but honestly that doesn't detract from the story.

But this story was written with a pen in one hand and your heart in the other; it's evident that you care deeply about the idea and personal story you're trying to convey through the newspaper clippings and flashbacks in this pony's life, wanting to make him feel real and grounded, and in that aspect you absolutely excelled.

The story feels a bit mundane, but in such a way as to feel like real life, because (while fame maybe isn't relatable), the feeling that Cash Money gets from making poor life choices and then regretting them later on is something that pretty much everyone and anyone can relate to and understand, and that makes this story incredibly grounded.

Definitely a strong take in making a believable character, especially in such a small wordcount. :twilightsmile:

10943399
Descriptive language is always a problem with me, partially compounded by the fact that I don’t have a prereader and I like to keep things concise.

I like writing mundanity. I’m glad, however, that this particular type of mundanity was interesting enough for you to continue reading.

This also happens to be my longest one-shot. So, interesting that you think it’s short.

Login or register to comment