Pony Titan go!

by MelodyStories

The Adventure song

As I flew with my alicorn baby, I was very very happy. Of course I would defeat the evil titans! The baby I have will prove how amazing this adventure will be! I was so happy I sang!

Dodododoodoo

Where the wind blows~
Is where I’ll sing for you

Bowbowbowbowbaaaw

Save my friends now~
With what? Friendship that’s how!

Feefeefefefefee

You and me baby! Save your daddy

Ladadadadadadee

We come together, we come happy!

Rararararainger

Daddy needs to be rescued from danger!

LALALALALALLALAALLAA

DADDY

IS

COMING

KIDS!

LLAAALALALLALLALLAA

DADDY IS COMING KID!

Teeteeeteeeteee

We love him a WHOLE lot!

Leeeledleleedleee

He FILLS up my Heart with love!

Seeseeseeesee

He’s the best hero around!

Mememmememee

His coolness attracts a whole crowd!

Sosoosoosooosooooo

You and me have a hero around!

Raeraeraeraeraerae

That saves the day!

DODOODODODDO

he’s a

COOL

UNIQUE

MAN!

He is

SO

MUCH

FUN!

So let’s

SAVE

YOUR

DAD

the best

YOU. EVER. HAD

Dodoodododo lalallaal memememe lalalala ladade dabadedabadedabee

Daddy will be so so so HAPPYYYYYYYYYY!

My baby clapped at me. His beautiful eyes were completely white like robin. She also had the same hair as me. Her cutie mark is a bird. He also has huge wings! I smiled at my baby.

“LETS SAVE THE CITY!” I screamed loudly.

“YEAH LETS SAVE IT!” My little baby said. We both laughed and did the fart dance.

Comments

[Crystonian]

10766076
Nothing is wrong with the ship, I literally said I dont care about the ship. Its the story thats the problem. There is none. Its horribly written, theres no structure. Nothing at all. That's why people are shitting on your story. It just has no structure. No plot. Nothing driving it forward other than this 900+ old pony instantly falls in love with a 18 year old kid in spandex who instantly falls in love with said pony and marries them. No plot, no hook, nothing that drives a story.

[MelodyStories]

10766079
The hook is they are kidnapped

[Crystonian]

10766081
. . .
WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT SAY THAT?!
A hook comes at the BEGINNING of the story, not somewhere towards the second chapter!

[MelodyStories]

10766083

Ok in the first chapter her granddaughter dies and her daughter

[Crystonian]

10766087
*deep inhale*
I dont know what your English Classes were like, but in Junior High I was taught how to properly write a hook.
DEATH DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN INTERESTING!
We most likely will never know her grandchildren and daughter, so they don't matter to the reader. You need to get the readers to be invested in the character or at least interested in it for them to take the bait, aka something they like, then you hook them with the hook. Something they must want so they will continue to read the story. Like for example in one of my stores. My MC appears back in the world after several thousand years, he must go on to find his home, IF it still exists.
That draws the readers in, they want to see the MC journey, that coupled with good story telling brings in interested readers.

[MelodyStories]

10766089

These are interesting things in my story

Applesauce is 964 that’s a long time!

Apple sauce tells the serious robin that her robin became evil

They also fought
Also she had a baby after mating with him

Applesauce and her baby also Sang a song

[Crystonian]

10766092
Age does not equal interesting. I got several 5000+ characters i could make and they wouldn't be interesting. None of that is interesting. Its weird, out there. And is a mishmash dumpster pile of bad ideas.

[MelodyStories]

10766096
Why is it wired?

[Crystonian]

10766098
Its weird how you somehow put all those vastly different themes into this...thing you call a story. Who cares that their ancient, who cares that this little tidbit about "her Robin" was evil. "They also fought" is just dumb overall. A baby, okay...moving on, doesn't mater much other than small detail. Baby and Mother sang. Welp, who fucking cares.
None of those things are valuable parts of a story, their small details. Little tidbits of the suppose story that suppose to be being told. Not the main focus. That makes it weak. Easily toppled over.

[MelodyStories]

10766109

Robin was evil is real https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-hYjWDRQzpk

Also the baby is important to the story

[Crystonian]

10766111
Once again, who cares. No one cares about those possible interesting points where there are so many other problems.
I'm seeing why no one has tried to help you, you just ignore the attempts

[MelodyStories]

10766113
No everyone says to remove stuff important to the story

[LightningStrike34]

10766074
Preach! This story is beyond awful, it's like she just farted her brain out of her ass and this was the result.

[MelodyStories]

10766125
🙄

[Martydi]

10766092
Alright, enough jokes for a moment. That guy is right, none of this makes a story interesting. A good romance needs to be a slow burn. The readers need time to get to know the characters involved, see how they interact and how their relationship develops. If by the climax of the story the audience isn't screaming "just kiss already", you're not doing it well. The story is 1800 words long as of the third chapter. There is no way you could fit a proper relationship in there.

There are ways to do it differently though. If you really don't feel like you can write a good budding relationship, you can write a story about an existing couple. Hell, my favourite romance on Fimfic is just like that, the main characters have been already in relationship and married for years when the story starts. But then you need something else to keep the story entertaining. And while that method saves you from building a relationship from the ground up, you still need good characters and interesting interactions between them. And without that core romance plot, you need something else to drive the story forward and showcase the characters' personalities.

The things you mentioned here are neither romance hooks, nor interesting plot points.

• Saucygirl being old is not interesting. You could use it as a plot point or make a character building moment out of it, but the fact in and of itself does not make a story good.
• I'll admit I haven't read the story out of concern for my sanity, but someone just turning evil is not interesting. What is interesting is how characters react to it.
• So what if they fought? A fight without tension is meaningless, just violence for the sake of violence. It works well in DOOM, it does not work well in written stories.
• So it's an 1800 word story about a brand new romance and they already had a child. Is there any way this could have reasonably happened? From where I'm standing, it seems like it was "ah, I just saw you for the first time in my life and I love you, please gimme a child". Which is just creepy.
• One song does not make a good story.

Given your behaviour here, I don't expect you to actually take this advice. But I still hold vain hope that maybe I helped in some way.

[The_Chill_Author]

10766136

[Crack-Fic Casey]

10765216
Being too stupid to understand the argument presented isn't the flex you think it is

[MelodyStories]

10766478
What

[JK]

10766175
Pretty much all of this regarding romance in fiction.

I get it, some writers want the daaaaw factor of a relationship starting fresh and the daaaaw factor of having the eventual confession/first kiss and the daaaaw factor of a relationship strengthening with time, but end up rushing it to "get to the good stuff" ASAP.
Look at it this way, if you have dessert for breakfast, dessert for lunch and dessert for dinner, when you finally get to the after dinner dessert, it isn't going to feel very special, now will it.

I always liken a good romance to a good stealth-em-up game... from the outside it's technically slow and methodological, but if you're in it and invested, it still feels edge-of-your-seat exciting despite it being a slow burn.

[Dallb]

Going off the story and how the author has been acting in the comments, he may have autism and can't understand social cues, so it's best to just leave him alone and let him do his thing in his own little weird corner.

[LightningStrike34]

10766902
I have autism, granted I'm more high-functioning but still. They're really immature and even if they do have autism that's not an excuse to write awful stories. There are plenty of well written stories on here that were made by people on the autism spectrum, they're not even trying.

[MelodyStories]

10766902
I’m a girl though???

[Dallb]

10766907
There are different grades of autism, this guy just happens to have a rather Bad Case of it.

[MelodyStories]

10765158
This comment has been proven wrong!

[Thunderpop]

10767275
Did I not just tell you I didn’t change my opinion because of your awful shitty reasonings?

[MelodyStories]

10767283
I proved you wrong about robbin though

[Thunderpop]

10767290
You really didn’t. Those points in your blog made absolutely no sense. most of them were just reworded reasons.

[MelodyStories]

10767298
You’re just jealous I proved you wrong about him! I bet everyone else would agree! They may hate teen Titans go, (sadly ) but he is the best part!

[Dallb]

10767307
No.

[MelodyStories]

10767513
Y?

[LightningChaser04]

10773010
But still good job! Enjoyed it a lot!

[MelodyStories]

10773053
Thanks!

[LightningChaser04]

10773058
Do you mind if I edit it? We could have a PM chat.

[LightningChaser04]

My baby clapped at me. His beautiful eyes were completely white like robin. She also had the same hair as me. Her cutie mark is a bird. He also has huge wings! I smiled at my baby.

Robin’s eyes are probably blue. Not white, but I don’t exactly know bc I’ve only watch TTG, and not TT. And how’d the baby get his cutie mark so soon?

[Siri]

This story is beyond cringe

[SunTwi06]

H-How do you accumulate so many comment when I struggle to get more than 20 comments(save my own)? I'm both impressed and jealous