My name is Princess Applesauce Cookiemash. I am 964 years old. I come from a huge family! There are so many names! Princess Cookieheart, Cookiemilk, Milky, Splash, Discord, and more! Before I was born, my family had so much fun! They sung, ate cookies, played games, punished ponies, played a game with Discord, got mad at him, made treats, and made Milktopia a magical place!
I have a daughter and a granddaughter. My daughter’s name is Apple Tree, and my granddaughter’s name is Tree Heart. Apple tree is 764, and Tree heart is 564. Tree heart is also pregnant! Her babies names were going to be Dream Ice, Candy Kite, and she would have another two 39 years later named Dirt Bush and Soil Egg. I was so exited! I would finally be a great grandma! I asked my granddaughter everyday if it was born yet. She always said no.
One fine day, I decided to go for a walk outside the castle. I saw a statue of the main 7. Their names are Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Twilight, Applejack, and Cookieheart in the middle. I read it!
We will miss you, Cookieheart! No pony was ever as Kind, Loyal, Fair, Smart, Honest, Generous, Forgiving, Sympathetic, Brave, and Beautiful as you.
When I saw that, I was sad. I then looked at the rules.
Only eat food the Princesses say you can eat.
Do not step on cookies. If you step on it twice, you will get turned into a cookie.
Don’t be mean, and love cookies!
These rules were made 1 million years ago! How cool! Then, I saw a pony named Vinyl Scratch walk by and sit on a bench. I saw him eat a chip. I looked up at the rules and got mad. I yelled at him.
“YOU THINK YOU CAN DISRESPECT PRINCESS COOKIEHEART LIKE THAT? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! BE LUCKY I DIDN’T BLAST YOU ON THE SPOT!” Vinyl started crying and took his glasses off and stepped on them to prove he was truly sorry.
“I’m sorry, it’s been so long. She was the best princess ever.” he said sadly. I forgave him. I left to go home when all of a sudden I heard a noise! It was my family screaming! I ran back to my castle and saw a giant meteor! I pulled the meteor away. I started crying. My daughter and granddaughter are dead.. I sobbed loudly and ran away. I was disappointed in myself. How could I let the last generation of the cookie family die? Worst of all, I didn’t get to hold Dream Ice, Candy Kite, and the youngest children Dirt Bush and soil egg! I ruined the future of the kingdom. I couldn’t let myself stay here..
I ran outside the castle and grabbed three types of ponies. Pegasus, Earth Pony, and Unicorn! I turned them all into one giant portal to a new world. I jumped inside so I could leave this sad world forever. I closed my eyes as I went through the land.
I slowly opened my eyes. What is this place? I walked around and saw a giant T on a mountain! I was very curious so I went there. I flew into the room and saw 5 creatures fighting! They were all humans. They each looked weird through. One was big and looked like a weird looking robot, one had pink hair, one was green, one was like a purple ghost, and one had such smooth, beautiful, hedgehog-like black hair. It was love at first sight. I helped them fight until the monster was gone. They all farted and screamed and crazy-danced and dabbed and flossed and shook their behinds and cheered in celebration. I decided to join them. I screamed so loud that the frightened birds flew away.
They asked me what my name was. “Applesauce” I replied. They told me that their names were Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, Starfire and Robin.
“Your real names?” I asked. Victor, Garfield, Koriand’r, Raven and Dick.
I and Dick got to know each other more until one fine day,
“Will you marry me?” I said to him.
“YES!” he replied. I was so happy! We got married. It was a beautiful ceremony, held on top of the T Tower.
I asked if we could mate and he said yes.
After we came back, I told them why I came here, and they said I should not throw away my life! I thought of my great great great great great great grandma, Cookieheart and remembered how nice she was to her subjects! I wanted her to rule again! The only way to do this though, was to change the time in my world. Then, I had a plan.
“The first member of the cookie family should be the last member too! We need to look for a time spell called tempvita aeternumia! This spell makes the time change, and the ponies of the past that we think about will live forever! I must think of Princess Cookieheart! To get the spell book, we need to go to chartam city! I will fly you there! I will use a spell to get the book, and I will cast it so Cookieheart can be queen again!” I said. All the titans cheered for me. I smiled!
Then all of a sudden, 5 more humans appeared. They looked just like the titans, but they looked boring and serious.
I said hi to the bigger Beast Boy and he said, “We don’t do hi’s.” I backed up slowly because I was embarrassed and sad. The one that spoke next was a bigger and more boring Robin. “We have been through a lot to get here and destroy your city.”
This made me mad. How dare they try to destroy this beautiful city? I decided to stand up to these big fat meanies.
“HOW DARE YOU! MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN THROUGH WAY MORE THAN YOU! DID YOU KNOW HE TURNED EVIL BECAUSE OF A MEAN VILLAN TRYING TO HYPNOSIZE PEOPLE AND TRIED TO HURT THE OTHERS!? I BET YOU FAKE ROBIN DIDNT EVER SCARE YOUR FRIENDS BEFORE. I BET YOUR LIVES WERE THE SAME EVERYDAY! BORING WITH DOING NOTHING BUT FIGHTING PEOPLE! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO HURT THIS AMAZING CITY! IT DID NOTHING TO YOU! YOU ALWAYS WIN EVERYTHING WITHOUT HELP! HAS ANYTHING SCARY EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!?”
I yelled these words very very loud!
“No.” He said. Then, they started attacking us. I blasted them, but they were too strong and they stole all of my friends and tied them up. I quickly escaped before they did it to me. I got worried. My friends were in danger!
Wow 1 million years. That’s a long time!
I felt like you could have used a bit of time to emphasize on internal conflict (Particularly because you’ve decided to write in First Person) and the protagonist’s emotions. As an example: in the place where Applesauce Cookiemash discovers her dead family, you could drag the moment out so that the impact on Applesauce truly hits the reader (eg. Denial at first, Fear that it may be true, then Desperation as the situation truly sets in.) Just a little bit of that could really spice up the story and make it more enticing for your viewers.
There was also quite a bit of rushing within the chapter, (Don’t worry, I’m terrible at pacing as well ), I understand the want to reach the complication and plot of the story, but the orientation is very important as well - it sets the foundations of your world up (Particularly as it is not the canon universe) and provides the reader with context. You have done most of the orientation work at the beginning when you introduce Princess Applesauce Cookiemash, but it is weak and it is practically just an information dump. Maybe a better way to introduce the family tree or the traditions of old would be a history book or even something beside the Main 7 statue?
Otherwise, the idea of the story was alright, OC characters have plenty of development potential and I can’t wait to see where this goes, just remember not to lean too heavily onto the already constructed plot of TT, otherwise it would basically just be a copy with substituted characters.
Please don’t take offense to any of this, I don’t mean to be harsh or criticizing in any way and I’m sorry if you take it as such - everybody has ways they can improve after all!
~Meowofy
(PS. I think you accidentally forgot Applejack )
10764703
Ty :D
For fuck's sake.
10764889
😠
10765092
Excuse me but... How do you come up with these names?
camo.fimfiction.net/orGe-e9XdnSv42z6LoNct-v78lL646vglF8DV2uXmBY?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FswFBkQv.gif
10765098
I merge them!
10765140
??????
Bruh... the older robin has been through much worse things than that. Also,
WHY JUST WHY
Does this ever end?
10765160
2 story’s left!
10765158
Prove it
spiky legs spiky legs
10765140
Oh hey, you used Estee’s gif!
Did anyone ever told you Vinyl was a mare and not a guy?
10765171
This right here
10765148
But why? The names they're... Oof.
10765171
He looks like a boy!
10765174
Well, this is the author who has characters named Discookie and Twishy
You got two of those wrong. I’m surprised you even got any right.
10765175
Listen, there’s a difference between mares and stallions on the show. Different muzzle shapes, different sizes, body shape, the eyes, etc.
10765180
Pinkie pies son looks like a girl, but he’s a boy!
10765180
Also I just realized
If Vinyl was around when Cookieheart was the queen of this messed up kingdom, and it’s been a million years, then she’s a million years old-
10765184
But does that make him a girl? Not exactly.
And if Vinyl looks like a boy, does that make her a boy?
10765188
Sound the continuity alarm!
🚨
Robin was hypnotized and the bad ones had nothing happen to them
10765193
Then clearly you never watched the older show.
10765196
Teen Titans Go! didn’t destroy Teen Titans.
This did.
10765199
YES EXACTLY
10765196
I watched two episodes and it was soooo boring. The characters are mean to each other, and they act soooo perfect. Nothing happened to them at all! I bet the whole series they didn’t have trouble
Also my husband is too serious in this one and never loses and never scared anyone because he’s soooooooooo perfect
But my husband in the other one is funny and fun ant his friends saved him from evil stuff
I love the new one! The only thing I hate is the butts but that’s it!
10765206
media0.giphy.com/media/fW4zsIf5PWkpbz9Ami/giphy.gif
10765164
????
10765206
*coughs* original season 3 episode 5 *coughs*
10765209
No she’s not perfect because she accidentally let her family die
10765213
I don’t know what that’s about I bet it’s boring
10765216
And what? Did she ever go through any other hardships? Do any of your characters work to earn your titles? Think about what makes them “worthy” instead of making them “better than the canon characters”.
10765210
The cover art pony has very spiky legs.
10765217
Because you haven’t watched it?
10765176
*PHYSICALLY CRINGES*
10765219
She also didn’t know the old riles
10765222
I bet you didn’t either
10765224
And?
10765223
It pronounced twish ee
10765225
At least we know the difference between good and cringe
10765226
That means she could have left vinyl go
10765240
Honestly, she should’ve let Vinyl go. It would be better than:
I mean, only letting them eat certain foods like cookies and all that could lead to them having serious health issues.
10765239
No I bet s3 e5 is the same as the other ones
Fighting fighting fighting without any problems
10765243
There’s a spell that doesn’t let that happen
Is casted in primary Cookiehearts story