• Member Since 29th Mar, 2021
  • offline last seen June 3rd

MelodyStories


My name is Melody and I’m 15 years old.

T

Windheart, the child of Thorax and Octavia, was abandoned by her mother. After 200,000 years of ruling, Thorax gives his throne to Windheart, her daughter. Only 1 year later, she gets a cutie mark! She becomes the only changeling in the entire universe to get one! When Princess Twilight starts a war between changelings and ponies, Windheart has to save the changlings with her talent with the help of her dad Thorax—Amazing Dark Magic!

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 608 )

So it seems you have a problem with telling rather than showing. The way thing progress almost feels like reading a list of actions rather than picturing a story play out. You want to give time for the reader to see things happen. Expand upon what happens. Keep in mind who, what, when, where, and why at any given time.

However at the same time there are certain times when you want less detail. I'm especially talking about character descriptions. Better to get a glimpse of golden locks, flitting through the crowd, a gleam of multifaceted eyes catching yours from a far, then just dumping a pile of information all at once about what they look like. It feels just feels clunky.

I would also suggest less ellipses. You want to use them sparingly but you used them a lot during the scene with Fortis. Save them for important moments, maybe when their eyes first meet or when their lips interlock in a loving kiss. It can seem almost like your characters very breath has been stolen away and they're unable to even finish their thought.

On that note, I have a purely curious question. If she's Thorax's daughter and Fortis is Pharynx's son, wouldn't that make them cousins? I know that changeling families are a little more fluid so I'm just curious if that counts as incest.

Oh no, not again—

Quickly, changelings, quickly! You too, Thorax! Run before the OC gets you! Hurry, before it’s too late—

10768773
Ok thanks you! Also I’ll changes the pharynx to another Changeling I forgot they were brothers :twilightsheepish:

I’m gonna curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out

...What have you done?! Quick! Thorax! Pharynx-husbando! Run for your livesssss!

Oh god. ANOTHER VILLAIN TWILIGHT STORY IM YEETING MYSELF OUTTA HERE-


🏃

Against my better judgement, I decided to read this story, just to see what all the fuss in the previous comments was about. Barely one paragraph in, and oh boy problems!

My name is Windheart. I am the daughter of Thorax and Octavia. They both fell in love when Octavia was sent to solve a friendship problem in the changeling kingdom. A group of 3 ponies called the Cool Mean Colts were bullying 4 year old Orbit, my oldest sister. When Octavia saved her, she told her to meet dad. They both fell in love super fast. They then mated. 1 year later, I was born! They named me Windheart. 5 years later, Octavia came to visit and saw Thorax mating with a random changeling! Octavia started crying and started hitting me and my 10 year old sister. She always said she didn’t love me.

Backstory any% speedrun. Infodumps are hardly interesting. It would be better to cut most of this paragraph chapter away, and sprinkle it in other places in the story.
And now we learn Octavia is an abusive mother. Are you even capable of writing relationships that aren't fucked up on some level?

Octavia told Thorax I jumped myself to make my little 5 year old sister Ocellus copy me. I got grounded for a month. Me and Orbit tried to tell Thorax the real story, but he told us to shut up and said he wished we were actually good kids.

Thorax is a changeling. As an emotion eater specifically feeding on love, you'd think he would realize something is wrong with this family.

After the month, my mom Octavia bullied me even more. I had tears in my eyes. 5 years later my sister was 15 and I was 10. My younger sister Ocellus was 10.

Yes, we can do math. You don't have to spell out how much 5+5 is.

We had no food, no shelter, and no love.

Don't they have eachother? I mean, there is two of them. They are sisters. And the whole point of changedlings is that they can share love now. You'd think at least one of those problems would be solvable.

I was able to stay well because I had super healing power.

The hell did that come from?

I used wind power to make a hoof made out of wind to tickle everyone.

Again, where did that come from?

Congratulations on your Coronation and marriage!

Where was the coronation? And where was the marriage? All we've heard was some light, two characters looking at eachother. And what of Thorax? Did he abdicate? When, why? Is he unfit to rule for some reason?

What if for the first day of my princesshood, I could host the annual tickle party?

Again with the tickling? With how much of that you put in the story, you'd think it deserves a fetish tag.

The Change Phone is an invention I made for my dad to use when I was a nymph.

Do I really need to explain what's wrong with this sentence?

I got mad and sent the changeling to changeling prison!

Woah, calm down Stalin. They just didn't like your party. You'd think there are less severe ways to deal with that.

After I finished the 20 paged list

That is an incredibly short code of law. The implication here is that changelings had no law before that (which has its own host of problems). So you have to fit everything, from the royal succession to traffic violations, in these 20 pages if you want to be comprehensive.

COOL MEAN COLTS

Have I mentioned how much I hate that name? No? Well I do now. It's bad.

10769138

Again with the tickling? With how much of that you put in the story, you'd think it deserves a fetish tag.

Previous stories contained a lot of farting, to the point I was wondering this. Author claims to be 15, so probably not a fetish, just immaturity or something.

Woah, calm down Stalin. They just didn't like your party. You'd think there are less severe ways to deal with that.

Oh, yeah. The "good guys" in these stories banish people to other planets for trivial offenses & have a habit of torturing family members like Discord, even though the author swears up and down that they all truly love each other and are the perfect family... :pinkiecrazy:

Thorax gives his throne to Windheart, her daughter.

Don't you mean 'his daughter'?

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He's a changeling, who said they have to be consistent?

Octavia came to visit and saw Thorax mating with a random changeling! Octavia started crying and started hitting me and my 10 year old sister. She always said she didn’t love me.

Setting aside the obvious question of how a Changeling and pony could reproduce, why are parents always abusive in your stories? There's nothing wrong with characters having loving parents (not least that Octavia being abusive seems rather OOC).

10 years later I was 20! My older sister was 25 and my youngest was 15!

Thank you, Captain Obvious. We can count.

I wrote a list of rules every changeling in the changeling kingdom must follow in the hive if they don’t want to be punished by being sent to changeling prison for a certain amount of time so they could learn their lesson about following directions! After I finished the 20 paged list

There's no way all the laws and rules of an entire society could be fitted onto 20 pages. The US Constitution, for instance, runs to 34 pages.

10769213
Maybe they just trimmed the fat?
:rainbowderp::applecry:

The cake is for everyone law got...pulled...again

10769218
Or perhaps it's in a tiny font?

10769225
Darn that was good. I forgot the tiny font.

10769225
Or maybe it's just 20 pages of "if you don't like my parties, you get sent to prison for life" over and over again. I would expect something like that from the author at this point.

>Account created 17 days ago
>8 stories: 1 marked complete, 2 cancelled, 1 on hiatus, 4 incomplete
>all have a like-dislike ratio severely in the red
>several mary sue oc's
>seems to have a inordinate hatred toward the canon cast/events


10768939
Villain Twilight can be done well, like any sort of prompt, it just has to be believable.
That said, there's nothing wrong with an AU where Twilight is just an absolute heartless bitch, but that has to be established as part of the setting.
From what I'm gathering this author just does "And then Twilight did mean things and everyone hates her! Grrr!" There's no build up, or rhyme or reason for it.
Questions that need to be answered here
1. Why did Twilight declare war on the changelings?
2. Why did she not attempt diplomacy first? She's the princess of friendship, Thorax is one of her younger brother's best friends, and a friend of hers to boot. If they had a falling out, then explain that in the opening paragraph.
3. Do the rest of the mane 7 agree with this course of action? She set them up as her advisors after all, something like this would have to either get a unanimous vote from the others, or else have her disregard their council, or do it without them knowing, and if so...
3a. Why did she go against the council of/behind the backs of her best friends and advisors?

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10769155

And by a lot of farting, it's the point where an entire family is literally using fart power to fly around ponyville, making a show for the ponies to enjoy. Oh god, why did I come to read this story's comments, it's bringing back the memories of all the farting:facehoof:

10769236
Oh, I'm not complaining about the Villain Twilight. I've seen many done well, and I read 'em anyway. T'was a joke and I share many of your opinions.

10769233
If that was typed out, it would bump up the wordcount if nothing else.

10769243
There was also a lot of belching, to the point a villain was defeated by explosive farting and loud burping.

10769155
Even then, they sound like they’re 9-12 instead of 15. Actually no, they sound younger.

After the month, my mom Octavia bullied me even more. I had tears in my eyes. 5 years later my sister was 15 and I was 10. My younger sister Ocellus was 10. Octavia then said I was a mistake. Me and my sister couldn’t take it anymore! We made a plan to run away. When we escaped, we got attacked by timberwolves and my sister Orbit had her wings ripped off. We had no food, no shelter, and no love. We were gone for 2 weeks, helpless. I was able to stay well because I had super healing power. It took 2 weeks for our dad Thorax to find us again and save us. After he healed my sister, he asked why we did that. We said because our mom.

Wait, isn’t her sister younger? Here it says she’s the older one

I could just be mistaking one sister for the other, so correct me if I’m wrong :twilightsheepish:

10769288
Naw, she has two sisters. The older one, Orbit is a full sister. The younger, Ocellus, seems to be the result of Thorax's affair with another changeling.

10769236
It’s because Windheart hurt the cool mean Colts!

Has Twilight been replaced by Chancellor Neighsay? This seems more like his MO

10769524
Is she going to close down her school then? Because this kind of goes against her schools philosophy.

10769525
She loves other creatures

The Cool Mean Colts started hitting us.

Due to lack of details, I'm being led to assume they are attacking with their bare hooves. What the fuck kinda pathetic terrorist organization carries out an attack with no actual weapons?

I rose into the air slowly. My wings slowly and steadily went up slowly.

Slowly3

I felt like floating!

Probably because you are floating.

It was a dark magic cutie mark!

Are we going to get a description of it? Cause right now, a dark magic butt tattoo might be a circle of sinister runes, or it might be Sombra's face.

I blasted the Cool Mean Colts with black magic. The Cool Mean Colts rose into the air and turned into balloons. I popped them.

Wow, that's some lame dark magic. I'd ask for a refund.

Twilight stomped her hooves and 195 guards came after me.

Were all those guards just waiting in ambush for the whole year? That has got the be the least efficient law enforcement I've ever seen.

“We heard you turned over 150 ponies into balloons and popped them. If this is true, I decided to declare war on you. Changelings are too dangerous for ponies to ally. Therefore, you have lost our trust for you. As the princess of Equestria, I declare us to fight through to destroy your kind. We can’t have changelings around. I wasn’t aware they never changed. It was my mistake to trust them. After we defeat you, we will take over your kingdom and claim your land. We will call it ponytopia. This amazing land will thrive with ponies and other creatures that are not like you.

Ah, yes. Attacking an allied kingdom with intent to carry out genocide is totally in character for Twilight.

You have until tomorrow to prepare.”

Why not attack now, when you have the element of surprise?

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Hey the cool mean Colts used magic!

So if Twlight was allied with the changeling before this, why were the cool mean colts allowed to grow to such numbers? Is she just fine with terrorist organizations growing and attacking her allies?

What benefits do they even have as allies if she doesn't help defend them against attacks?

10769639
That should be included in the story. Preferably with details of what kinda spells were used.

10769697
The Cool Mean Colts were good at disguising themselves to look like normal changeling-loving ponies

10769734
Yeah, and so are changelings. What about my other questions.:facehoof:

Okay, first of all, what’s wrong with Thorax? Not only is he painfully OOC when it comes to his hypothetical children, but do they just let him get away with him believing his “abusive wife” instead of his kids?

10769627
The 'slowly' bit reminds me of a Spongebob creepypasta which overused the word 'slow' to an absurd degree. So much so, in one dramatic reading, every time the narrator said a word relating to slow, the video slowed down!

10769802
Look at the author's name. I think that answers your question.

10769970
The “magic” part?

Then again, the author kept making up excuses and saying stuff that they never wrote in the story.

10769971
It's a common trope of fanfiction. To paraphrase Robin Bailes, 'magic is not a get out of jail free card for nonsensical crap.'

10769213
Oh man and that’s just a paper about simple values and how laws should be made. Imagine reading all of our laws! H. R. 1 alone is over 700 pages!

Thorax mating with a random changeling!

THORAX!? HOW COULD YOU BE JUST SO SO- Out of character like my god-

I was able to stay well because I had super healing power

*Clears throat* Let me rephrase that "I was able to stay well because just like most of Rainbowmagic's OC's I am a over powered Mary Sue"

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