You are regular. Everything about you, your life, and your hobbies, are just regular. Nothing more, nothing less. But you were content. Life was easy, Oh, and you were obsessed with a TV show called My Little Pony. Still normal, right? But sometimes, things happen in people’s lives that isn’t so normal. And oh, were you were in for it.
A/N: Hey everypony! This is my first fic and I'd really like to hear your thoughts on where this is going so far. It's in Second Person and I plan to add some romance in the future. I hope you enjoy :3
Chapters (1)
Hey everypony. The title is a work in progress, so don't judge.
If you see any formatting errors/missing indent, let me know. I'm pretty new to FimFic. Let me know if I'm missing any tags too. I'm thinking about changing the description too, since it's not really interesting unless you hit "more". And that's way too much to ask from people. 
Also, I'd really like to heard your feedback! Thanks!
You need to be careful about sticking to one perspective- "You looked down at my hands. Or at least where my hands used to be" can be confusing!
1214638 Thanks for pointing that out xD Thanks for the advice.
Well, I for one, am enjoying this. It's a lot less cliche than most teenage-brony in equestria fics.
Has to be said though, fimfiction readers tend to loath second person perspective. Learned that one the hard way. Looks like you might learn it that way too, we'll see...
Grammar's decent, but you bucked up on some 2nd person things 'you look at my hands.'
And although I find it a bit lacking in detail, how many times do we need to read about *exactly* how furry their new forelegs are, anyway?
Also, your 'friend' is a dick. And he's also a brony, since he could so easily recognize the smile song.
img33.imageshack.us/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
1214651 Yeah xD You're not the only one who noticed the issue with the mess up in perspective, but fear not! It has been fixed. But thanks for the positive feedback and criticism! I assume the reason he could recognize it would be "Come on everypony, Smile smile smile!"
1214651
Is it really this bad? I rather enjoy them. Hearing that 2nd person fics are loathed comes as quite a surprise...
1214651 I love 2nd person stories.
1214670>>1214717>>1214651
On the topic of Second Person stories, I love them and it seems a large amount of the public does as well since a bunch of second person fics go in the feature box. Although I can see why some people wouldn't really be in to them.
1214670 1214717 1214745 Well I wrote one -as an experiment- and everyone openly hated it just for being 2nd person. The reason makes sense, as I was told, it's because it becomes difficult for the reader to connect with the main character, and tends to hinder the main char's development as well. Personally, I'm probably never going to do 2nd person ever again. Though, as a reader, I don't find it to be that big of a deal, honestly. In fact, one of my all time fav HiE fics is 2nd person. Whatever floats your boat, just giving you fair warning.
Oh, and thanks for the watch, yellowdonut. Read my fics, you'll like them
1214745
Well hello there FlutterDashFTW
Time to review!
1) Brony in Equestria... well, I suppose you gotta start somewhere, but this really has been done about 15 million times, and every one of them seem to fall into some of the same pitfalls. Here are a few I found in yours: Brony doesn't react like a normal human being (i.e. panicked) when entering Equestria, Brony doesn't act like a normal human being (i.e. terrified) upon being turned into a pony, Brony is instantly accepted by one of the main characters (in this case, Dash), Brony ends up in a relationship with one of the main characters (again, Dash). All this usually adds up to a boring Sue or Stu, which is where your character seems to be heading.
2) I have nothing against second person, but it's incredibly difficult to do because there's a good chance the reader won't agree. For example, as awesome as Dash is, she's not my favorite pony. On a more fundamental level, I'm not in high school, nor was I a Brony in high school, so I can't really connect with that detail. There's a reasonable level of suspension of disbelief, but it's really hard to pull off with second person.
3) The premise itself is interesting - dimension hopping to find the Elements. I do have to wonder which dimensions you plan on entering, though, and how many crossovers will be involved. Again, I've nothing against crossovers, but each new universe adds another layer of potential confusion for those who don't know what you're talking about as well as another layer of potential rage from those who do know and disagree with your interpretation. Or maybe you're going a different route and that mini-rant was all for nothing.
4) Your punctuation and grammar looked okay to me. You're missing a few indents, though.
Hope that helps!
This is really good.
Make more chapters.
1215147
I see. Thanks for the feedback, and I'll try to work on some things.
1215167
xD Thanks, Pia.
Good enough for me. Don't let me down, laddie.
I think your story is great so far! Its funny tht Ive been able to make so many references to my life while reading this! Execpt for the going to equestria part
. Ive only found some errors with punctuation so far and would be happy to pre-read your chapters if you're looking for someone to do that. But other than that I strongly encourage you to continue your story! O and by the way, be sure to make the character a Pegasus, before its too late!
1216425
Don't take it personally or anything. You should read my blog post about this story, though.
That's great! Awesome you can relate to the main character so far. I try to make it as vague as possible so people can relate their OC with the main character. That's part of the reason I won't be naming what type of pony he is. Thanks for your offer, but I don't really need/want a pre-reader.
1215824
Thanks, I'll try my best
>> Crucifix
Allright! Ya sorry if I confused u with the part about making him a pegasus. I had only mentioned that because I thought it would make sense to do that so 'the character' would be able to keep up with dash while on the run. So if you hadnt thought about that already you might want to watch out for how you 'word' certain scenes. But ya, good luck on the story!
It seems I haven't gotten to say something yet....Hi also keep up the good work :3
For Chapter 1 - An Average Day
I have some critisicm to give. (Might be a bit harsh. But, it is okay right?)
Grammar and spelling critisicm is HERE!
"remnants" is umm... weird saying. I would instead prefer something else. Like "dirt", "eyecandy" or something less complicated for a simple thing.
I have noticed that while through the story. You have said things like that. It makes me confuse a bit. Because, at this sentence. I feel like I am looking at your hands rather than mine. There maybe some other mistakes like this as well.
And, that "set of hooves" was really weird. This whole part can be like "You look down to your hands and legs. But, instead. Your hands and legs were replaced with hooves." Or at least something like this.
I don't know why you have wrote the underlined part. I got confused like "Was that a narrating or my thought?". So, that was unnecessary.
Simple spelling mistake here. It should have been "your".
Now, I will give my rating for this chapter.
Idea - 4/5 - The idea itself seems a bit decent. But, you have to make it a less... predictable. I can imagine what is gonna happen from here. It needs to be unique.
Pacing - 3/5 - This was a bit rushed. If I take out your author's notes. It goes to 1'381 words. Which is really short. Even though with the notes. It is still short. For your type of story. The average word limit for each chapter has to be at least 2'000 without the description and author's notes. And, that draws interest a lot. Adventure category leads to many words. I wrote my first chapter with like 4'000 words.
Grammar/Spelling - 4/5 - The misspelling and grammar mistakes takes some points out of this. But, I don't mind them that much. So, 4/5 for it.
Overall - Not bad for a first story. Because, some first stories make the reader feel like getting trolled. Idea wasn't that much of a problem. But, needs to be more unique. Pacing was a bit rushed. You have to add some more moments, feelings, thoughts and other things. I say that this chapter can have like 3'000 - 4'000 words. Grammar and Spelling kinda confused me at some parts. But, pretty good for a first story.
So, I give this chapter a 4/5!
To be honest, I enjoyed this and I would have wanted it to continue.
And, I can help you with continuing this story as well.
Wish you luck in further writing!
1317996
Finally! Someone with actual critique!
remnants(noun) - A small remaining quantity of something. Meaning any signs that you had just been sleeping.
Could have sworn I fixed that...
I was thinking the same thing when I wrote it. I'll most likely change it.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Idea - Good point, I'll try to make some unexpected things happen to keep people reading.
Pacing - Good to know. I'll work on it...
Grammar/Spelling - Meh. It's what I get for deciding to write this at 3 AM.
Overall - Thanks! Personally, I've been surprised by the positive feedback. I thought it was garbade, to be honest. xD If you couldn't tell, I'm terrible at intros, so I can assume the following chapters will contain a much higher word count.
Thanks again for the advice, I really need to start writing again... Stupid school.
1320831
Yep, blame stupid school. It is getting in my way as well. And, that cursed homework as well.
I am glad that I have helped. And, that "remnants" I didn't know that. Sorry.
And, if you need some several minor ideas. Like those small moments and feelings. I can also try to think about it more, focus. And, then I can give you some ideas as well. But, I can't edit though. Sorry.
And, I have read the comments here. I can see that only 2 person besides me gave you some critique. And, they are all ideas. That is an useful critique. Very useful.
Also, writing your first story as a 2nd person? That is quite a challenge. But, if you pull it off. It will be positive. But, it can also backfire on you. Because, right now. You have 21 likes now. (I liked it of course. Including it.)
Because, 2nd person fics attract attention as well. Because, even though theRedBrony, ScribbleStick isn't interested in it. They were still here. Which is why your story attracts attention. And, I am glad you didn't screw it up. Because, if you did. Your account, story. Will be destroyed by TWE.
It is a group that whenever there is a bad story. They harass it.
Oh well, this comment is gonna be long one.
As you can see, this 2nd person fiction. It is difficult for the reader to connect with. But, if you add a good intro. It is not a problem. You can just start like
You are/was/will be a college student. And, you are now waking up... and...
And, you can go on like that. Of course, I can think of better intros as well. I just picked the basic one.
But, the real problem is... the character's personality. It is hard for the reader to continue. As you can see, some people's personalities are different. And, they will be like "Hey, that's not what I would do if I was here."
BUT! I have a difficult but, awesome way to write 2nd person fics. Which will be the perfect way. I promised myself to only write like that myself. But, I can't be selfish. I am PM-ing you.
P.S. Garbage? Nah. If it was. Why would it have 21 likes? (One of them is mine.)
After all, it is turning out better than mine. If I just release the second chapter today, I will be able to get some likes. But, right now? Nope. Mine has worse ratings. Even though it is 4'000 words. But, many people favorited it. So, that means Adventure stories will have to be long and many chapters.
Wait, isn't your story Adventure? Doesn't it involve Discord? Woah. Our stories are a bit similar. If you are interested. You can check it. Here.
1 dislike vs 23 kinda tells everything about your storry
o and here are some moustaches 
1359266
But thanks!
Well, the Brony community is pretty awesome.