Return of primordials

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This story is a sequel to Life as a dragoness [temp title]

One day twilight is exploring the crystal caverns when she accidentally awakens an ancient creature she has never heard of before. What will happen with the return of this creature.

I had this story in my had for years but lacked confidents.
This will be my first ever story so please be kind. Genres will be added as needed.
Cover art isn’t mine i just grabbed an image.
Editor: Creative Delight ch1-???

Chapters (6)

Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) · 27th Feb 2021 · 1,397 words
1,397
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1 - the awakening (edited) · 27th Feb 2021 · 1,017 words
1,017
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2 - introductions and returning to the surfers · 5th Mar 2021 · 1,424 words
1,424
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3 - finding a home · 6th Mar 2021 · 1,505 words
1,505
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4 - more questions than answers · 7th Mar 2021 · 1,693 words
1,693
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5 - natures call for help · 30th Apr 2021 · 774 words
774
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Comments ( 18 )

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Nova Eclipse

Nova Eclipse #1 · Mar 4th, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

I like this already! Can’t wait to see more of it soon!

Cursebringer

Cursebringer #2 · Mar 4th, 2021 · 2 · · 1 - the awakening (edited) ·

10706612
Thanks, I was really nervous people wouldn't like it.

Creative Delight

Creative Delight #3 · Mar 5th, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

This is an interesting concept. I don’t mind helping you with editing before post. If you want the help, that is, free of charge, of course, that is when I also have time.

lacko312

lacko312 #4 · Mar 6th, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

is that languish think on purpose ???????????

Cursebringer

Cursebringer #5 · Mar 6th, 2021 · · · 3 - finding a home ·

10710519
I don’t completely understand your question. But if you mean the way i write i just try my best to make it good even when english isn’t my mother tongue.

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #6 · Mar 7th, 2021 · · · 2 - introductions and returning to the surfers ·

Ok first for the "sed" it's spelt "said". Second You have it a bit weird on the introducing of why there's two in one. Third you have a Spanish E and your missing the Y in hey. Fourth in where you have *later* I would suggest that you give a more exact time on how long it took to get to point A to point B.

“Why thank you.” Was the first thing the dragon sed back.

I would suggest you say "why thank you" was the fist thing the dragon replied back to my comment.

“How, how is that possible.” Screamed twilight when she noticed it. “How can you stop that much leaking and in such a short time, tell me.” Twilight almost demanded well shadow ignored her.

I think you meant "while" also that's not almost that is demanded.

“It looked like they weren’t expecting that than.” We thought.

On this one I'm just being nit picky but I think you meant "though"
Instead of "then".
And that's all with this chapter

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #7 · Mar 7th, 2021 · · · 3 - finding a home ·

“Now then lets continue with the introductions, my name is Thanwen witch means white fire in our native tongue.” Sed thanwen

You used the wrong witch the one you needed which

scares" is spelt "scars"

Cursebringer

Cursebringer #8 · Mar 7th, 2021 · · · 2 - introductions and returning to the surfers ·

10711696
Thank you for telling me that I will also keep this in mind for the next chapters. Also we are going Through editing to improve the chapters that have been published.

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #9 · Mar 7th, 2021 · · · 4 - more questions than answers ·

I didn't really see any mistakes other then the ones that I pointed out on the other chapters. All and all it's a good story you need to work on the world building a bit but other then that good concept and I like the fact of you mentioning Spike diet.

Cursebringer

Cursebringer #10 · Mar 7th, 2021 · · · 4 - more questions than answers ·

10711726
Thank you for reminding me of world building, i completely forgot that that was an important part to write for a story to succeed. In my free time I will go back to the older chapters and add a few things here and there to make a little world building.

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #11 · Mar 8th, 2021 · · · 4 - more questions than answers ·

10711744
No problem happy to help.

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #12 · Mar 8th, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

As the days came closer, I had this dream longer, but nothing changed, and we were always silent.

When I use these " " it's me saying the quote in the ways that I think it should be, mind you it doesn't mean it should be changed. But anyway I think you meant to have it like this "I had this dream longer" I believe you should have said this instead "I had this dream more often".

As the girls and spike met each other at Golden Oaks, they greeted each other and went to the train station to go on a 3-hour ride to Canterlot.

I like how you gave it more description with the three hour ride so we can relate more.

This one is just nit picking hasn't Rainbow dash already met Daring doo?

“Yes, sister, all we know is that it is a massive cave that no one was able to explore. Much less map. All we know is that there is crystal beast that lives down there that some thought to be extinct like the crystal butterfly or crystal spider.” Answered Celestia with a smile. “You better look out down there because magic is harder to cast the deeper you go.”

Your just missing a s on beasts.

“I would like to see that as well. It’s been a long time since we have been there. I will prepare an exploration team for you, Twilight.” said Celestia, well also shaking luna to wake her up.

I'm just going to say you need to fix the first sentence what you have there makes it seem like she was going to go too but then you said I will prepare a exploration team for you.
That is all.

Death is bliss

Death is bliss #13 · Mar 8th, 2021 · · · 4 - more questions than answers ·

Quick question what does watching mean?

BSW421

BSW421 #14 · May 1st, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

This getting really interesting.

Cursebringer

Cursebringer #15 · May 1st, 2021 · · · Prologue - a strange feeling and the begin of a small expedition (edited) ·

10796361
Thanks. I had the concept of the mc’s in my mind for a few years but never had the feeling I could write it without giving it the deserved quality I would like. It is only recently that I got the confidence to write my first story. Also sorry for if the quality isn’t to good, english isn’t my first language and I’m better at coming up with a rove idea and then letting someone else make the details.

Anyway, I hope you will enjoy this.

Heretics Everywhere

Heretics Everywhere #16 · Dec 16th, 2021 · · · 2 - introductions and returning to the surfers ·

Thats when i remembered that we were still in a dark cavern so i sed. “Hé guys let’s head back to where we had set up camp so we can see how our new guest looks like in the light.

"sed" “Hé"
Are you not a native english speaker?

Cursebringer