Chapter 1
Princess Celestia woke with unusual joy in her heart in the early morning, well late night. Morning wouldn't come until she rose it after all. Celestia joy sprung from some simple facts; her niece was just married to a brave and good stallion, the Changling threat was gone and she could relax, and finally her beloved student was in town! It had been too long since the two of them had gotten some alone time, now using the excuse of her injury she could blow off work and spend the day with Twilight. Celestia could barely prevent her usual calm smile from becoming a full blown grin. Summoning her power she pushed the sun into the sky effortlessly. She watched her beautiful sunrise, one of her best yet. Twilight won't awaken for a few hours yet. I suppose I'll walk through the gardens before breakfast then. Celestia thought to herself as she wandered around. In only a few short steps her joy turned to fear and her wonderful plans for a day off were reduced to ash. Her most loathed enemy was gone and in his place slept a strange creature with a mat of brown hair on it's head and covered in clothes. She froze not daring to move as she inspected the strange creature. Whatever this thing was it reeked of Discord and his magic. Making a quick decision she teleported to her sister's side.
“Luna we've got a big problem! Discord's escaped and there's some strange creature in the gardens! You mobilize the guards and I'll awaken Twilight and her friends.” Celestia ordered unable to keep the panic out of her voice.
Luna nodded as Celestia teleported away once again. Despite the distance between Twilight's tower and the throne room Celestia could hear Luna bellowing orders at her helpless guards. Celestia barged right into Twilight's room without knocking. No matter what emergency befell them how adorable Twilight was as she slept never failed to bring a smile to her face. Twilight was curled around her late night reading, a book almost the size of the pony, and drooling lightly on a corner. Regretfully Celestia gently nudged Twilight awake with her hoof.
“Princess...good morning but why are you waking me up?” Twilight asked, groggy with sleep. “Ah! Princess Celestia! Did I oversleep? Just hang on a moment and I'll be right out!” She exclaimed as she bolted from her bed.
“No time my faithful student.” Celestia intercepted Twilight with her magic, pulling the pony towards herself. “Discord is missing, and has likely escaped. Wake your friends while I collect the Elements of Harmony and meet me in the throne room."
“Yes Princess”
With a reassuring smile to her student Celestia teleported away again. She appeared outside the tower that contained the Elements of Harmony. Entering inside she nodded to the new detail of guards that had been added after the Changling invasion. She hesitated briefly before unlocked the seal that protected the Elements of Harmony. With a sigh of relief she noticed that they were still present, still just to be certain she scanned them with her magic. Nothing but the pure magic of friendship was detected. Whatever Discord was up to, he didn't seem to be targeting the Elements of Harmony at all. Unfortunately it was in his nature to be unpredictable and confusing. Celestia could only power through his tricks and hope that her dear student would once again prove to be the better mare.
By the time that Twilight had awoken all of her friends, Celestia had once again been reduced to pacing in the throne room. Celestia noticed with some well hidden displeasure that Rarity had taken the time to clean herself up. As a result Applejack was shooting the prissy pony glares when she thought Celestia wasn't looking.
“My little ponies it seems that Discord has escaped once again. His statue lies shattered in the courtyard with no trace of his presence.” Celestia told the group.
“No trace? Pardon me Princess, but if Discord has escaped, shouldn't we be seein a bunch of crazy stuff happenin around Equestria?” Applejack asked respectfully.
“Yeah like the chocolate rain!” Pinkie added cheerfully.
“That's true. However Discord is unpredictable if nothing else. The only thing odd that we've found before is this strange creature sleeping where Discord's statue used to be.” Celestia explained as she began to lead the young mares through the gardens.
“Strange creature? What kind of strange creature?” Twilight asked.
“I do not know, I have never seen it's like before. It could be an entirely new creature created by Discord, so I gathered you together first before waking it up.” Celestia admitted. “Now let Luna and I talk to the creature while the six of you remain behind to stay safe. If Luna or I give the word or if you think that we're in danger I want you to rush forward and activate the Elements. Understood?”
A chorus of “Yes Princess” came from her ponies. Celestia nodded and moved onward. The creature lay just ahead while Luna stood above it. Up close Celestia could get a good look at the creature as it slept peacefully on the grass. It's head was currently resting on it's hands. Aside from it's ugly brown hair the creature was pretty much bald with pink skin. It was nearly the size of Discord and was nearly entirely covered in clothing, some black, but mostly dark green or blue. It's hands looked to be pretty fragile but very flexible. They were covered in scabs and dirt. Honestly if the creature didn't reek of Discord's magic she would have rushed it inside to take care of it. As it was though, Celestia preferred to take no chances. Worst case scenario she'd look a little foalish. Still there was no need to be rough. Celestia thought to herself before gently prodding the creature with a hoof. It's small, tiny really, eyes popped open in surprise. The creature sat up suddenly with an eager grin on it's face.
“Princess Celestia, right? And Luna too? It's great to finally meet the two of you!” It said happily.
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I couldn't help but grin. The power welling up inside me felt fantastic! Now here in front of me were the two pony princesses. Sure I suppose I should be a little worried about being caught but with this much power I didn't think anything would have a chance against me. It was a little weird going from being asleep to fully alert but I put it aside as one of the many beneficial side effects of absorbing Discord's power.
“So what can I do for you this fine morning?” I said.
“Good morning. I hope that you wouldn't mind answering some questions?” Princess Celestia asked me politely. I was distracted though as I noticed some pink clouds beginning to appear overhead.
“Um, sure.” I muttered as I focused on the clouds forming.
“Please tell me what and who you are? Then tell me what happened to Discord and where he is now?” Princess Celestia asked firmly.
“Oh I'm a human. And my name is...” I trailed off as I watched the pink cloud suddenly unleash gallons of chocolate milk right atop of Celestia and Luna. I couldn't help but laugh at the expressions on their face, though their glares shut me up pretty fast.
“ITS NOT FUNNY! NOW WHERE IS DISCORD?” Luna bellowed at me. I clamped my hands over my ears from the pain.
“Not so loud Princess!” I protested.
“Where. Is. Discord.” Luna growled at me in a much quieter volume.
“...I don't actually know. Huh, I suppose I should have asked him where he was going.” I replied after a moments thought. Luna opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Celestia.
“That's alright. Now please tell us what happened exactly.” Celestia asked me kindly.
“Well its a bit of a long story. Basically Discord retired, gave me his powers, and buzzed off someplace.” I explained gibly. The expressions of shock on their face were priceless. I saw Luna opening her mouth and quickly clamped my hands over my ears again.
“You must be kidding” Luna said in a normal volume. I put my hands back down, a little disappointed that she had surprised me.
“No not really. Here I'll prove it to you.” I raised my hand and snapped my fingers. A strong wave of pure sensation poured through me as the sun plunged out of the sky and the moon rose in its place. “See?”
“YOU DARE TOUCH MY MOON!?” Luna bellowed in rage before launching a bolt of magic at me. Without thinking I pulled the magic apart dissipating it harmlessly as a bunch of confetti. Luna then charged at me, trying to impale me upon her horn. I back peddled as fast as I could to avoid her.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here just hang on and I'll fix this.” I snapped my fingers again and the world sort of blurred together in a mass of colour. I rubbed my eyes just as Luna spoke.
“You must be kidding.” she said at a normal volume.
“No not really. Here I'll prove it to you.” I raised my hand and snapped my fingers. I wave of pure sensation poured through me as a beam of light shot out of the sun and engulfed me. The ground at my feet bloomed into beautiful flowers with gemstone petals as a gleamed with a golden radiance. I then winced and looked at Celestia fearing a similar reaction to Luna's. While she didn't look too happy with me she also didn't look like she was about to fly into a murderous rage either.
“What did you just do?” Celestia asked through gritted teeth.
“Err, do you mean the trick with the sun, or the part where I just travelled back in time so that Luna wouldn't go into a berserk rage at me touching the moon?” I asked sheepishly.
“...The travling back in time thing. Don't do that again. Got it?” Celestia demanded, finally showing her anger.
“Got it.” I replied cheerfully, never intending to actually do as I said. Nothing bad happened so why shouldn't I? Sure I know the whole trapped in a time loop thing, but that didn't happen so all is well in my books.
“Now what did you say your name was?” Celestia continued.
“My name, hm, honestly my old name just doesn't feel, you know, right anymore. Like that's who I was not who I am? Besides a human name sounds really weird here. Basically I need a new name. Lets see here, something to do with chaos would be best...how about Chaos? Nah too exact. Change? Not namey enough. Paradox. I like the sound of that one. Yes call me Paradox!” I said.
“Paradox then. Do you intend to bring chaos to Equestria?” Celestia demanded of me.
“Well yes. Chaos is generally a good thing in my opinion.” I answered.
“That's all I needed to know. Twilight! Get him!” Celestia said before shouting. The pony in question surrounded by her friends rushed out from around the corner, wearing the Elements of Harmony.
“No no no no no NO! I don't want to be stone!” I shouted before unleashing my magic upon them. With a bright flash the six ponies disappeared.
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1205725
True, as well as in Stone Cold. However, in Becoming Chaos, Discord is completely evil and he's still stuck in stone while he's shaping a second body for himself. In Stone Cold, he shoved the human into his statue for an indefinite period of time before ... Paradox ... broke out, and is now hunting Discord down for having snatched him from earth and the aforementioned statue shoving while he was punching Discord.
Meanwhile, this is a completely voluntary, lottery chosen dude taking Discord's place so he can retire from the position of "Embodiment/Spirit of Chaos"
Is the picture of a giant game of candy land? Because that's what it looks like to me.
1205762
If you're referring to the prologue then I agree it does seem rushed. I'm having trouble figuring out how to improve it though.
1205725
Most things have in this fandom, if you break it down. My story will not be like that one in particular though just by looking at the tags.
It's Discord, 'nuff said.static1.fjcdn.com/comments/That%2Btruly%2Bis%2Ba%2Bfunny%2Bway%2Bto%2Bspell%2Bdiscord%2Banyways-%2B_2c5ab6dc0743fb443dad0aa53fbbe981.png
Chaos can either be Good or Evil by the will of the user or neither if that is what is wanted. Would be interesting to see some of Discords living projects (I.E. Screwball for certain) flock to your character to assist if needed. If you need any OCs take a look over my blog (Got a lot to choose from). Liking the story so far and faving it to see where it goes.
Good start to the story. I particularly enjoyed him traveling back in time a few seconds.
OH god, this is great, seriously, I have not been so exited for something in a while, this is going to be intense and super amazing. If you do it right that is... Let's just hope you do
(AKA my jimmies are russled)
Going along with what Darksoul said, any OC's needed and you could contact me. Me and my 3 friends are chaos incarnate, and I'm sure any of em including me would be delighted to be included in your story,
1205725 So~ people do the same ideas for stories all the time but sometimes more of a idea is good
Chaos is not good or evil. It's neutral like force of nature. Can bring good and happines, can bring doom and death. Usually both of this thing and I hope that our new chaos "god" will find out on his own skin that even his power can work...well chaotic even for him.
1206772Nice. Not destructive, but definitely chaotic.
Chaos is like the plague to Equestria
So many over reactions
Paradox? Well, there's not really anything contradictory about him, I think.
How about Chance? Unpredictable but certainly not evil.
oh i love your work, ones your fimfic is done is it ok if i have it print(like in a book) i do it to story i like and add it to my collection
I want MOAR
....so how often will you be uploading?
I like the idea, and although the character seems a bit bland at first I can see him becoming very interesting.
However there are some troubling aspects about the more technical portions of the story.
You don't differentiate between thoughts and the narrative and given that Celestia's portion is in the third person it makes for some awkward and confusing reading. You also do not mark where Celestia's perspective switches to Paradox's. The pace seems rushed and there is very little description or introspection aside from the bare minimum. You did what was necessary, but not much else.
All in all this story, and you as an author, have a metric derp-ton of potential but it's going to take some work and practice in both cases to reach that goal. I will favorite this for now and look forward to the next chapter.
You need to be less ambiguous with your narration. E.g. Is it meant to be 1st person or 3rd person?
And when your'e swapping between perspectives, use a page-break.
Aside from that, it wasn't too bad.
...I still don't know whether or not you got the name 'Paradox' from the fic 'Stone Cold'.
I'm liking this so far. The first chapter was a little weird and rushed, with no descriptive elements outside the main characters thoughts. This one still seems a little fast, and I was confused a bit at the Meeting of the princesses and Paradox. Not like I'm an expert or anything, but I would suggest painting a more comprehensive picture. If you could get more of whats going on in a particular moment described this would be much better.
Bring down the Tyrant! Down with Celestia!
Interesting twist to a HIE story :D
He should've made his case a bit differently, methinks. Really, all he had to do was remind them Discord was the spirit of disharmony more than chaos, and that he'd be different, but nooo- he just had to mess that up.
Also, slow down a bit my friend, you're doing fine; no need to rush things!
yea...ok waiting for next chapter.
Didn't think paradox would be this much of a dumbass but ok.
faved
I have this giddy smile on my face after reading this and wondering whats going to happen
First chapter: Interesting. Humorous. Wall-of-text problem. Moderate grammar problems. Major punctuation problems. Spelling good. Rushed. Moderate structural problems. POV problem.
Overall, not good, but forgivable and fixable.
Second chapter: Not as interesting as previous chapter. Not much humor. Slightly less of a wall-of-text problem. Minor to moderate grammar problems. Moderate punctuation problems. Spelling still good. Again, rushed, worst at the end. Minor structural problems. Lessened POV problem.
Overall, in the technical aspects it is better, but it is a weaker chapter if you look at how it is rushed and how the plot could be expanded. The ending in particular could have provided enough plot and humour to extend it several times over, it is much too abrupt. The main character needs more defining characteristics, other than "impulsive moron on a power trip".
All in all, a fic that requires a technical overhaul and a slower approach, but shows much promise, none the less.
You silly person - Discord doesn't have any hair, just a goatee and eyebro...
Oh. Um...
...
...
...
Wait. That says heir.
...
...
...
Well that makes more sense. Excuse me...
*Washes glasses*
As always obligatory psychedelic vinyl scratch to draw attention shamelessly.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7702-67691__safe_animated_vinyl-scratch_artist-efrejok_artist-paultorsynocobnik.gif
Meh, slightly interested. Be watching for now
i1170.photobucket.com/albums/r522/xSputnickx/mlfw5596-mlfw2077-10838220-20101020.png
1207719
Indeed.
Indeed, indeed...
What will everyone in Equestria think about the fact Discord has decided to retire and give his position as spirit of chaos to someone else? Will Paradox become more infamous and feared than Discord was? What kind of chaos will Paradox cause?
I've had this thought before for a story. Never figured it would gain much ground.
Eh, this story's okay, not great but by all means not the worst story I've ever read.
Your grammar lacks proper punctuation in the way of comas, your thoughts aren't edited with italics so they tend to run together with sentences, your style lacks the necessary detail on scene transitions to be totally recognizable at certain points (primarily in the first chapter) and you let your paragraphs generally run a little bit longer than necessary, making them quite wordy.
On the other hand, your story arcing seems to be fairly solid and your have excellent sentence structure... Honestly if you just got a great pre-reader on this then I could actually see myself reading future updates of this a lot more easily.
So, like I said... not great, but by all means not awful.
Good job, but a few suggestions. Could you try getting Celestia into character more? it seems like she is a bit out of character, and the line between dialogue and though is still blurry. Also, need any Pre-readers?
I give this story an 11/8
becausedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
indeed. Grammar and sentence structure need brushing up, you shift from first to third person.... and you seem to be in a rush to get the first two chapters done. Slow down, take time, and let the pacing unfold naturally.
1205848
Yes. Yes, that's what it looked like. I nostalgia'd. I loved that game when I was little, played it all the time with my cousins. We'd eat fudgesicles while traversing "fudge mountain"; I don't remember what it was really called, but that's close enough. I do remember it looked like fudgesicles though.
It's been a very long time. Wonder if I even still have it?
1207372
Have you run diagnostics of your visual navigation software and hardware lately?
It might help with mistakes like that in the future.
[/robot joke]
Jeez Celestia. He made gemstone flowers, was honest, and did not do anything bad (insulting maybe but not bad) and you order him to be turned to stone? Great way to open negotiations. He said he would bring chaos, not rule with it.
Haven't read it yet, still planning to, just wanted that no matter what, for some reason, I always read the title "Discord's HAIR". Despite having realized my mistake I still really want to read my original misunderstanding
HOLY MOTHER OF PARADOX WE NEEDS MOAR!!!1!111!
Just what will Discord do in his retirement? I mean, do we REALLY expect him to just stop being chaotic, powers or otherwise? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I MUST READ.
yeah and the reason why YOUR story is better is because it's NOT dark, evil, tragic, sad, F#$%@ UP, blood/gore/guts, etc. It's serious but still light-hearted enough without putting me in a downer mood. off to a good start in my opinion! let the madness BEGIN!!!! MWAAAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
Oh almost forgot, this is an appropriate time for the Evil Laugh of the intro'd villain of the hour
It seems a little rushed in places, but not bad overall. There is really not much else to say, but a little chaos should be good fun.
Favorited, because I like where this is going!
1205812 You're logic, it is too much!
1205900 U did the prologue well, it was a special kind of rushed, where the rushedness actually improves it. Kind of like how I tried to write my fan fic, instead just achieving terrible
I have a similar concept with a human becoming more like discord. I hope to put my story up here soon.
Listen to this while you read.... because I think it works good. I don't know what the original song is called... so yeah.
stone? got it. im breaking you out with my cannon
.*puts on glasses and points bass cannon*