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Discord has given up. Defeated so easily? It's time to retire. But he can't just leave Equestria without chaos can he? So he selects a random human to take up his mantle and to create a new reign of chaos.

Can this human manage new powers? Will he go mad or he will he end up as a statue for foals to gawk at? Is there a third option? Not very likely but with this much power he's going to try his best to create chaos and harmony at the same time.

Link to the picture I used: http://karzahnii.deviantart.com/art/Discord-s-Game-322137800%0A


I do promise to try and keep this light hearted and relatively comedic. Oh right I wrote this in response to the 50 000 word pony story contest. I failed horribly but I thought I'd post what I've got up here. I do plan on finishing this and it being around 50 000 words in the end.

A little warning for you in that the prologue is written very differently then the rest of the story. Also it is mostly unnecessary if you want to skip it altogether. The other thing I promise is that the romance is between ponies only and ponies that appear in the show.

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 762 )
Comment posted by Symphony deleted Dec 18th, 2014

good job bro keep it up!:pinkiehappy:

This is amusing, and has potential. Now, flesh it out starting from the point where he's finally in Equestria, it started feeling really rushed from then on.

1205725
True, as well as in Stone Cold. However, in Becoming Chaos, Discord is completely evil and he's still stuck in stone while he's shaping a second body for himself. In Stone Cold, he shoved the human into his statue for an indefinite period of time before ... Paradox ... broke out, and is now hunting Discord down for having snatched him from earth and the aforementioned statue shoving while he was punching Discord. :pinkiecrazy:

Meanwhile, this is a completely voluntary, lottery chosen dude taking Discord's place so he can retire from the position of "Embodiment/Spirit of Chaos"

Is the picture of a giant game of candy land? Because that's what it looks like to me.

1205762

If you're referring to the prologue then I agree it does seem rushed. I'm having trouble figuring out how to improve it though.

1205725

Most things have in this fandom, if you break it down. My story will not be like that one in particular though just by looking at the tags.

Is it odd that that was the first thing that popped into my mind when Disy suggested something chaotic?

Chaos can either be Good or Evil by the will of the user or neither if that is what is wanted. Would be interesting to see some of Discords living projects (I.E. Screwball for certain) flock to your character to assist if needed. If you need any OCs take a look over my blog (Got a lot to choose from). Liking the story so far and faving it to see where it goes.

Good start to the story. I particularly enjoyed him traveling back in time a few seconds.

OH god, this is great, seriously, I have not been so exited for something in a while, this is going to be intense and super amazing. If you do it right that is... Let's just hope you do :twilightsmile: (AKA my jimmies are russled)

1205926Not at all. Is it wierd that when he mentioned something chaotic, I thought burn the gardens?

Going along with what Darksoul said, any OC's needed and you could contact me. Me and my 3 friends are chaos incarnate, and I'm sure any of em including me would be delighted to be included in your story,

1205725 So~ people do the same ideas for stories all the time but sometimes more of a idea is good

Aru

Chaos is not good or evil. It's neutral like force of nature. Can bring good and happines, can bring doom and death. Usually both of this thing and I hope that our new chaos "god" will find out on his own skin that even his power can work...well chaotic even for him.

1206491 I was thinking about rubbing a pony in Discord's face. And then build a house out of comics.

1206772Nice. Not destructive, but definitely chaotic.

An interesting idea, if you would only slow the f:yay: down!
I mean, it's understandable if you were going for the whole 'impulsive chaos' thing, but the pacing still pretty annoying.
What we're essentially getting is the characters thoughts and narration...And nothing. Else.
Not that there's anything wrong with internal musings since 'Through the Eyes of Another Pony' does a lot of that- and it's as funny as hell- but there's other stuff mixed in so that it doesn't become stale quickly.
If you took the time to describe things a bit more, you wouldn't have the main character jumping around from scene to scene in the blink of an eye.
And that would be much more preferable.

Chaos is like the plague to Equestria :ajbemused:
So many over reactions

Paradox? Well, there's not really anything contradictory about him, I think.

How about Chance? Unpredictable but certainly not evil.

oh i love your work, ones your fimfic is done is it ok if i have it print(like in a book) i do it to story i like and add it to my collection

I want MOAR :flutterrage:....so how often will you be uploading?

I like the idea, and although the character seems a bit bland at first I can see him becoming very interesting.
However there are some troubling aspects about the more technical portions of the story.
You don't differentiate between thoughts and the narrative and given that Celestia's portion is in the third person it makes for some awkward and confusing reading. You also do not mark where Celestia's perspective switches to Paradox's. The pace seems rushed and there is very little description or introspection aside from the bare minimum. You did what was necessary, but not much else.
All in all this story, and you as an author, have a metric derp-ton of potential but it's going to take some work and practice in both cases to reach that goal. I will favorite this for now and look forward to the next chapter.

You need to be less ambiguous with your narration. E.g. Is it meant to be 1st person or 3rd person?
And when your'e swapping between perspectives, use a page-break.
Aside from that, it wasn't too bad.
...I still don't know whether or not you got the name 'Paradox' from the fic 'Stone Cold'.

I'm liking this so far. The first chapter was a little weird and rushed, with no descriptive elements outside the main characters thoughts. This one still seems a little fast, and I was confused a bit at the Meeting of the princesses and Paradox. Not like I'm an expert or anything, but I would suggest painting a more comprehensive picture. If you could get more of whats going on in a particular moment described this would be much better.

Bring down the Tyrant! Down with Celestia!

Interesting twist to a HIE story :D

He should've made his case a bit differently, methinks. Really, all he had to do was remind them Discord was the spirit of disharmony more than chaos, and that he'd be different, but nooo- he just had to mess that up.

Also, slow down a bit my friend, you're doing fine; no need to rush things!

Changlings

What's a changling? An Asian changeling or something?

Hold up a second.
So he saw Cadance and figured out that, and I quote,

Holy crap it's Cadance! That means the Changling invasion hasn't happened yet! I've got to hurry, this is the best chance I've got to get to Discord.

*It's changeling, btw

So, not even five minutes later:

You guys were literally just invaded and you've already dropped your guard?

Plus all of those craters from the bombardment of Changlings

...Well, did it happen or not? Either way, the story started off just fine but then quickly spiraled into madness. What was up with the 'race-to-Discord'? I actually had to pause and start over just to try and figure out what was happening in-between the "AAAAAHHH!" and the "OH BURNING CELESTIA ON HER THRONE OF PAIN!".

I mean, so far the story seems pretty interesting, but that was... bad. It's like the pacing of the story suddenly forgot how fast it was going before and assumed the best way to resume its job was to sprint as fast as its little legs could carry it!

yea...ok waiting for next chapter.

Didn't think paradox would be this much of a dumbass but ok.
faved

I have this giddy smile on my face after reading this and wondering whats going to happen :pinkiehappy:

DF

First chapter: Interesting. Humorous. Wall-of-text problem. Moderate grammar problems. Major punctuation problems. Spelling good. Rushed. Moderate structural problems. POV problem.
Overall, not good, but forgivable and fixable.

Second chapter: Not as interesting as previous chapter. Not much humor. Slightly less of a wall-of-text problem. Minor to moderate grammar problems. Moderate punctuation problems. Spelling still good. Again, rushed, worst at the end. Minor structural problems. Lessened POV problem.
Overall, in the technical aspects it is better, but it is a weaker chapter if you look at how it is rushed and how the plot could be expanded. The ending in particular could have provided enough plot and humour to extend it several times over, it is much too abrupt. The main character needs more defining characteristics, other than "impulsive moron on a power trip".

All in all, a fic that requires a technical overhaul and a slower approach, but shows much promise, none the less.

You silly person - Discord doesn't have any hair, just a goatee and eyebro...

Oh. Um...
...
...
...
Wait. That says heir.
...
...
...
Well that makes more sense. Excuse me...

*Washes glasses*

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png
>mfw this gets the feature box and This does not.

(I made a vow to paste this on every short (but not necessarily terrible or poorly written) and silly featured fanfic until this one guys epic 80,000+ masterpiece gets featured. No offense to the author. Although I think this fic absolutely did not deserve a feature. sorry dude.)

As always obligatory psychedelic vinyl scratch to draw attention shamelessly.

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7702-67691__safe_animated_vinyl-scratch_artist-efrejok_artist-paultorsynocobnik.gif

Meh, slightly interested. Be watching for now

No my problem. No should be now and im good on the speed

1207719
Indeed. :rainbowkiss:
Indeed, indeed... :pinkiehappy:

It feels rushed, but I really enjoyed this and it has a great potential. :pinkiehappy:

What will everyone in Equestria think about the fact Discord has decided to retire and give his position as spirit of chaos to someone else? Will Paradox become more infamous and feared than Discord was? What kind of chaos will Paradox cause?

I've had this thought before for a story. Never figured it would gain much ground.

Eh, this story's okay, not great but by all means not the worst story I've ever read.

Your grammar lacks proper punctuation in the way of comas, your thoughts aren't edited with italics so they tend to run together with sentences, your style lacks the necessary detail on scene transitions to be totally recognizable at certain points (primarily in the first chapter) and you let your paragraphs generally run a little bit longer than necessary, making them quite wordy.

On the other hand, your story arcing seems to be fairly solid and your have excellent sentence structure... Honestly if you just got a great pre-reader on this then I could actually see myself reading future updates of this a lot more easily.

So, like I said... not great, but by all means not awful.

...Slightly creeped out by making out with the Discord statue, also, could you try to separate thoughts and actual dialogue better? It is sort of blurred together. Good job though!

Good job, but a few suggestions. Could you try getting Celestia into character more? it seems like she is a bit out of character, and the line between dialogue and though is still blurry. Also, need any Pre-readers?

indeed. Grammar and sentence structure need brushing up, you shift from first to third person.... and you seem to be in a rush to get the first two chapters done. Slow down, take time, and let the pacing unfold naturally.

It feels like its movIng really fast, but I like the idea. Can't wait to see where this goes.

1205848

Yes. Yes, that's what it looked like. I nostalgia'd. I loved that game when I was little, played it all the time with my cousins. We'd eat fudgesicles while traversing "fudge mountain"; I don't remember what it was really called, but that's close enough. I do remember it looked like fudgesicles though.

It's been a very long time. Wonder if I even still have it?

1207372

Have you run diagnostics of your visual navigation software and hardware lately?

It might help with mistakes like that in the future.

[/robot joke]

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