I did enjoy it, an interesting concept of you. The cover got my attention, as it reminded me of a batpony family animation

There are a few spelling errors and, it felt rushed to get to the porn scenes. if you went into a more expansive explanation of why the thestrals have the ceremony this way and why incest is a common practice in that tribe the story would flow better.

10598325
Yeah, I knew that my story felt rushed and that is a common problem that I have when trying to write. This was my first time trying to write clop so I know why it felt rushed to get to the porn scenes as this is one of my first experiences in the genre. I will edit these chapters at a later date due to it being entered for Shakespearicles' Wincest Winter of Worldbuilding Contest and do not want to edit while it is in a contest. With the edited chapters I will add some things to help explain the ceremony of the Thestrals and with a more in-depth sequel in the next month or two.

not bad for a first story. yeah its a little rushed but thats to be expected with most first writers

Lunar gave a small chuckle. "Even so, I know you and my brother will get to know more about eachother later at the reception," he said with a sly look on his face.

: "I have a bad feeling about this..."

Her Father gave a smile of approval that she did well. The young alicorn then looked at Luna who also gave a look of approval at her as well.

: *yay*
: "I guess..."

She looked over the many tables trying to find her before she spotted about three tables away from her with three other thestral stallions. All of them had their dicks in each of Luna's holes. Luna looked like she was in absolute bliss and was clearly enjoying it.

I can totally see that happen. It surely take a lot to satisfy a mare like Luna...

Good story!
Especially for a first attempt.
A few spelling errors (I pointed out the worst), but nothing major.
As both you and others already said the pace was quite fast, but not too fast to make it an solid story

But now I wonder:
Does Shining now about this?
And would he (after some encouraging from Cadance) join those incestual rites? I hear he has a sister who was just introduced to the traditions...

Found a typo:

She could not be more scarred today.

I still believe you meant "scared", but I'm not as sure here as last time.

10601213
Glad you enjoyed the story and thank you for your funny comments throughout the chapters. As stated in the different comment, I will come back to this and edit all the mistakes that you saw and what I saw as well. And yes, the word 'scarred' should be scared. I always get confused writing that word as both are spelled very similar and it gets me every time I write something with that word.

Enjoyed the concept, but would have loved it if it had been longer with more details. Maybe even princess on princess

10604974
Wow, never thought I would get a comment from one of the people who inspired me! I have read your stories many times and enjoyed them all the same, with "The Secret Island" being one of my inspirations and personal favorites. I will go back to this in the next couple of weeks to edit out some of the problems that you and many others have pointed out and add in some things to try and pace it out better. Thank you for your comment and I will put your thought into consideration.

10605117
Np. Just let me know when you are done and I'll give it another read

10608635
I know what you mean, if I had some more time on my hands, I would have edited the story a lot more but I wanted to submit it to Shakespearicles' Wincest Winter of Worldbuilding Contest before the deadline. As stated in other comments, as soon as the contest is over, I will immediately begin to edit the story. I am under the philosophy that if you submit work into a contest, you do not have the chance to edit while it is going under review. So hopefully after this weekend, when Shakespearicles' said judging would begin around that time frame, the contest will be over and I can finally edit this story.

After a few minutes of silence, Twilight continued,

I think you meant “moments of silence”. It would be incredibly awkward for them to just sit in silence for minutes at a time.

10597998

10598325

10598586

10601213

10605581

10608635

10609844

10627866

I have edited the story now. If you want to, you can read it now to see if it has improved for you and everyone else. If you do not want to read it, I understand and fully support your reasoning on why you would not want to read it again. I hope you enjoy.

10632252
Thanks. Say, shall I show you the animation iI meant?

10632255
Sure. I feel like I know what animation you are talking about but I still would like the link to see what it is.

10632260

10632265
Yeah I remember watching that years ago. Kind of forgot about it till you talked about it. I was for some reason thinking of the 'Children of the Night' video when you first mentioned about the animation until I remembered that video you sent a link for.

10632626
Well, the Background of the cover of your Story Looks simliar to the House in the Animation, thus had to Think of it

Finally got around to rereading this. The details were better, but I wish the ending could have been expanded still.

GJ

10635798
Thanks for rereading it again and glad you thought it was better. In regards to the ending, I think why the ending doesn't feel right is because I wanted to do a sequel to this story and it may had influenced how I wrote it. Thank you for pointing that out so I know that I have to work on endings for a story that I intend to have a sequel.

10636329
Well he's a few more pointers. You brought up Luna's crush for Twilight, but did nothing with it. Not even a reason why Luna didn't try seducing Twilight. If she has an orgy like this so often, why not try getting with the mare the one time she's there?

The orgy also needed work. This is just my opinion, but it still felt short. Needed more emotion as well as 'seeing ' Twilight lose herself in the passion. The feeling of getting fucked, perhaps having more stallions approaching her

10636340
Thanks for the advice. This is my first time writing a clop fic and I'm still trying to understand how to get the 'passion' in a sex scene in a writing format. That is why you really don't see more of the orgy within the chapter and with the other characters, as I'm still trying to learn to write sex scenes better and wanted to focus more Twilight and test my writing skills on clop. Again, thank you for the guidance in helping me understand what I am missing when I am writing clop.

10636399
The best way to improve, in my opinion, is to find out what works. Look at what other people are writing then look at yourself. For example, check out Holy's stories

10636406
Thanks for the advice and will check out Holy's stories and others for more reference to see how to make things work.

10632252
I honestly wasn’t asking or expecting you to change anything, but the fact you did is seriously appreciated and raises my respect for you.

10638190
Thank you and I really appreciate the kind words you have said as they really touched my heart. I've always intended to edit stuff that I personal feel that should need improvement. It's thanks to people like you who help me understand what I missed or what I am missing in a story structure and I really appreciate all the help that anyone gives me.

10632252
You still didn't correct the typo I pointed out earlier... (10601213)

10744494
Fixed and Thank You! Again, that word is one of my mortal enemies in writing.

10744765
In short, you're both scared and scarred by this word...

10744765
Pony:
Scared before, scarred after.