Chapter 34: Breifings, Bounc... Hey, What Happened to my Mango?
The aurors' ready room was a marvel of wizarding physics. It was ordinarily a relatively cozy space, enough for a standard squad of eight. However, as more space was needed, a simple charm could double the size. With the all-hands meeting that had been called, this had been repeated until the entire DMLE could be accommodated. This was far from standing room only; with the exception of the raised dais at the front of the room, every square inch of floor space was covered by some form of seating. Given the variability in delays from the published meeting time, the wizards were not inclined to stand in anticipation. Instead, they preferred to use the chair conjuring charm that was part of the standard Hogwarts curriculum so that they could recline instead. To be honest, not everyone was quite so relaxed, but with seating ranging from wingback chairs, to overstuffed beanbags, to simple stools and even cloaked loveseats that promoted propagation, everyone had made seating to fit their mood. Thus, when Amelia entered, she found her way blocked by officers lounging in a vast array of colorful cushioned comfort.
As she cleared her throat, her subordinates quickly rectified the situation and did their best to appear professional.
“Finite!”
“Finite!”
“Finite Incantatem!”
*Whump!*
“You could have let me stand up first!”
“Next time, just banish your own seat!”
Hiding a smirk, Amelia strode to the podium with the majestic grace and dignity of an emperor penguin failing a field sobriety test. Once the room had come to order, she spoke up. “Let us make this quick.” She said, “We all have jobs to do, but it is imperative that some general information be shared to avoid future mishaps.”
Once she was sure she had everyone’s undivided attention, she flicked her wand, and a large white screen unrolled itself from the ceiling. Amelia nodded, and some muggle technology was used to make a pair of images appear on the newly revealed surface. Some magic may have been employed as well, since the room hadn’t needed to be darkened for everyone to get a clear view.
“This,” Amelia said, gesturing with her wand, “is Knight Elemental Fluttershy in both her human and pony forms.”
“Daaaaaw!” cooed more than one of the assembled humans.
“To be more specific,” Amelia said, ignoring the outburst, “she is Knight Elemental, Kindness.”
Members of the combined wizard and muggle law enforcement continued to coo.
“She looks harmless,” Amelia continued.
“That’s an understatement,” someone ventured.
“I was thinking 'gorgeous'… at least her human form,” added another.
“As I was saying.” Amelia raised her voice slightly. “She looks harmless, and if you encounter her, you will be tempted to focus on the ‘Kindness’ portion of her title. We are here today so that I can inform you that the ‘Knight Elemental’ part is no laughing matter.”
Quiet met that statement until someone had the nerve to say, “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” Amelia said with a grim nod. “As the name implies, 'Knight Elemental' wields the element in combat."
Snickering filled the room. "Kindness? In combat?"
Amelia shrugged. "Even love can be a lethal weapon. Fair warning, if you happen to be both stupid and cruel enough to engage her in hostilities, you will be spending the night in St. Mungo's.”
Stunned looks were the response she got for that statement.
“After you are discharged and somehow survive the crushing guilt for your vile actions, you will most likely find her husband waiting for you.” Amelia continued, projecting an image of a horridly mismatched wizard. “And that is a whole new level of ‘Sweet Merlin, I bollixed that, badly.’”
Muttering swept through the officers in attendance.
“Assuming that you are unlucky enough to survive that particular encounter,” Amelia fixed the room with a hard glare. “it will be my turn, and I will make your life a living hell.” She paused to let her statement sink in. “Are there any questions?”
“No ma’am.” An officer answered for the crowd. “The message, ‘do not annoy the adorable little yellow pony’ is well and truly received.”
“She may not be a five X creature, not being a known wizard killer, but trust me, wrestling a nundu nude and without your wand would be a wiser pastime,” Amelia emphasized. “If she has cause to glare at you, you are going to wish you were facing a basilisk.”
The director waved her wand again and the images changed to a pretty white unicorn and a beautiful purple-haired woman.
“This is Knight Elemental, Generosity.” Amelia said. “She is the one who broke every bone in Albus Dumbledore’s body -- twice. She is also Lord Greengrass’ second wife. Any questions?”
A wave of ‘no ma’ams’ rose from the assembly.
Amelia nodded before waving her wand again. This time an orange Stetson-wearing pony and blonde with huge tracts of land graced the screen. “Knight Elemental, Honesty,” Amelia said. “Confirmed to have the ability to put you through a two-foot-thick stone wall if you push her past her limits. Any questions?”
Another round of ‘no ma’ams’ was had.
Nodding again, Amelia changed the display. “Knight Elemental, Magic,” she said when a purple unicorn and her human form were displayed. “If she bursts into white hot flames, fleeing is advised. She has also, on one occasion, transfigured a wizard into a toad, a transformation that could not be reversed by medical personnel, I might add. Any questions?”
“No ma’am” was once again heard from all.
Amelia’s gaze turned to stone as she changed the display once more. “Knight Elemental, Laughter, Pinkie Pie Black.” She said sternly, “We are not going to learn what happens when she gets mad. Am I understood?”
“Yes ma’am!” was the chorus.
“We are not exactly sure what she is capable of.” Amelia admitted. “More worryingly, we are not exactly sure of what she is not capable of.”
Seeing that her audience was properly impressed, Amelia changed the images once more.
“Knight Elemental, Loyalty.” She said, “We infer from her braggart nature that she is the weakest of the Knight Elementals and is therefore confrontational to mask her insecurities. That being said, she does bear the Knight Elemental rank and is not to be taken lightly. It also needs saying that these individuals are extraordinary examples for ponies. Many of you can already attest to their rank-and-file members having prowess comparable to that of an average wizard. Whereas, we have further intelligence stating these knights are the ponies their princesses turn to in times of trouble. As far as we know, there are only six of them. However, if, say, hypothetical Knight Elemental Snuggle Bunny puts in an appearance, I would strongly suggest that each and every one of you treat that individual with the utmost respect.”
The next exhibit was two group shots. One was of young human children in Hogwarts robes, the other, a jumbled pile of pint-sized ponies. “These,” Amelia said, “are the current crop of first year Gryffindors. They are also collectively known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”
At the sight of them, Laughter glibly romped through the amassed officers.
“Where did the pink pony come from?” someone asked in shock.
“I’m pretty sure that’s one of the Knight Elementals,” said someone else.
“Did she apparate?”
“I didn’t hear an apparition pop.”
“Hello, everyhuman.” Pinkie stood on her hind legs and happily waved.
“Lady Black,” Amelia called out from the podium. “What brings you here today?”
“I don’t know.” Pinkie shrugged. “It just felt like my cue.”
“I see,” Amelia said. “And may I ask exactly what it was you thought you were doing just now?”
“I was glibly romping through the amassed officers.” Pinkie said. “Duh.”
“You were glib… Why?” Amelia asked.
Pinkie pointed up with a hoof. “Because that’s what the narrator says.” She then looked up and squinted. “Wait a sec. I misinterpreted that sentence. My bad.”
“What?” Amelia and several others asked.
“Got to go,” Pinkie said as she trotted out the door. “See ya.”
There was much blinking after the pony left the room.
“What just happened?” an AFO asked after a while.
Amelia sighed and placed her hand over her face. “That was just Pinkie being Pinkie.”
“What?” asked the AFO. “Are you serious?”
“No, that would be my…”
“Lady Black!” Amelia snapped. “Please!”
“What?” Pinkie sank back down onto all four hooves after having been on her back pair. “It needed to be said.”
“No,” Amelia said. “That joke is so tired that a crate full of pepper up wouldn’t do it any good.”
“Didn’t you just walk out that door?” an auror asked.
“Yuppers.” Pinkie nodded. “Look, I’ll do it again.” With those words, she trotted out the doorway once more. However, before she was gone, everyone heard her mutter. “Somepony needs to be more careful with that shift key.”
“As many of you may have surmised.” Amelia said after the door was closed. “That was Knight Elemental, Laughter. The term, ‘security risk’ doesn’t even begin to cover what she’s been observed capable of. Furthermore, as I stated earlier, we are not going to find out what she does when she’s angry. I for one, have galleons on such an incident giving us a new definition for the term ‘death by chocolate’.”
With those words Amelia did a quick scan of the room, then took the time to search behind her podium. Looking up again she noticed a heavy-set Korean auror in the front of the crowd wearing a bowler. With a flick of her wand, she summoned the hat, looked inside and even shook it a few times. Satisfied, she banished the metal-brimmed accessory back to the man.
“What did you do that for?” The auror asked as he caught his headgear.
“Past experience, Random Task,” Amelia said, scanning the room one last time.
“She couldn’t be hiding inside my bowler.” The auror chuckled.
“The phrase you are looking for is ‘shouldn’t be able to, yet somehow does anyway’.” Amelia corrected.
“Oooo,” stated the auror, looking inside his own hat.
“Right.” Amelia said, standing straighter. “Back to the subject at hand. These are the Cutie Mark Crusaders.” She pointed to the images once more.
“A bunch of kids?” The newest AFO who had transferred in that morning, forgot his place and called out.
“Newbie!” shouted somebody in the back.
Ignoring the dig, the AFO continued. “What are they going to do? Sic a dragon on us?”
Amelia sent the man an incredulous look. “Funny you should mention such a thing. They’ve been known to do exactly that.”
Professor McGonagall wasn’t known for being late for class. However, with the additional responsibilities she now held, it was inevitable that it happened occasionally. Therefore, it was a rare occurrence for her students to be in the room, waiting on her instead of the other way around. She was only mildly surprised to find every one of them doing so sitting on top of their desks.
“I see,” Professor McGonagall said as she made her way toward her own desk, amused but not impressed. “How did you manage this?”
“Some of us don’t need our rings to transform anymore,” Miss Brown said. “Basically, it was only the Ravenclaw boys who are new to it.”
“I’ve got wings!” Mr. Corner called out to the class, brandishing his new appendages.
“Do not let Extra Security see those.” Professor McGonagall advised with a sigh. When she reached her desk, she continued. “On that note, you should all be made aware that due to recent developments, being an animagus is no longer an automatic outstanding for your N.E.W.T.S.” She looked around the classroom. “For obvious reasons. So do not slack in this class.”
Bitter Ring was not sure what to make of her new duty station. It had recently become a prerequisite for a posting at the palace; thus, it wasn’t an opportunity to be denied when it arose. Still, she didn’t see how the newly half-built facility was supposed to prepare her for being a palace guard. The locals were friendly and welcoming enough, a trait she heard was in direct opposition to the attitudes the stuck-up nobles around the palace held.
In truth, it had been boring so far. Mostly boring, actually, with only a few highlights. She spent her days standing to the side of the entrance to the compound, staring at trees with the occasional pony traffic. But basically, it was trees as far as the eye could see. She had been told that would be her task until she was ready to join the patrols. The criteria for deciding when she was thus qualified had never been disclosed. So, yes, boring. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for being a palace guard and this boredom was the way they weeded out those too antsy to stand around the palace all day long.
She was so bored that she decided to check out a book from the local library just to break the monotony. Maybe she could find something to point her in a direction that would allow her to join the patrols. That brought her to her current situation.
“I’d like to check this out,” Bitter Ring said, laying a book on the desk. She was only slightly surprised when a form requesting her personal information was slid toward her. Sighing, Bitter Ring took a quill into her mouth and started the tedious task of paperwork. She was only halfway done when she couldn’t take it anymore. Spitting out the quill she turned to the next pony in line who looked to be a local resident. “Your librarian is an owl,” she said accusingly.
“Who!”
“You,” Bitter Ring stated plainly.
The stallion she had so abruptly addressed blinked and chuckled before saying. “The owl is not what he seems; actually, he’s just the assistant.”
“Assistant?” Bitter Ring asked skeptically.
“Yes.” The stallion nodded. “Truth be told, our librarian has been shirking her duties. Owlicious has become a regular feature around here.”
“But… an owl,” Bitter Ring pressed.
“Yes.” The stallion repeated as if daring her to say something more.
“Whatever.” Bitter Ring turned around once more to pick up her discarded quill. “After the snake, I really can’t be bothered by an owl.”
It was at that time a senior guardspony, who happened to be observing the exchange, spoke up. “Private what is your name?” He asked. “I’ll be telling your sergeant that you are ready to join the patrols.”
Remus looked more than a little ruffled when he wandered into the sitting room, finding his best friend reading the Daily Prophet. “Sirius,” he asked, “what exactly is that purple potion, Bella takes regularly?”
“Do I look like a healer to you?” Sirius replied without looking up.
“Well, whatever it is, they need to cut back on the dosage,” Remus complained.
“Why’s that?” Again, Sirius refrained from looking up.
“Because, I can only take so many pepper up potions.” Remus replied. “Whatever that potion is, it is making Bella really affectionate. She’s wearing me out!”
“Is that why she just sauntered through here with a smug look on her face?” Sirius asked unnecessarily.
The class had progressed without much difficulty, despite the first half devolving into a lesson on changing a matchstick into a needle while in pony form. Even that wouldn’t have been an issue if Mr. Boot hadn’t tried using his newly acquired horn. Luckily his wand had a heartstring core so that was one obstacle handily avoided.
When the bell signaling the end of the session rang, everyone was already back in their human forms and thus, only the usual chaos prevailed as the students packed their bags in preparation for leaving. As they were engaging in that activity, Professor McGonagall spoke up. “Do not forget to leave your homework on my desk.” She reminded the children.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot.” Mr. Weasley spoke up before retrieving a parchment from his bag. He snapped his fingers and was suddenly standing next to the teacher’s desk where he deposited his work assignment. Then he snapped his fingers again and was instantly next to his own desk.
“Ron, stop showing off,” Miss Granger scolded.
Professor McGonagall blinked then turned to address the nearest Gryffindor. “Mr. Discord?” she asked.
“Yes.” Confirmed Mr. Potter. “He said we could hold onto it as family magic, or in this case, herd magic.”
“He did, now did he?” Professor McGonagall winced.
“He sure did,” Miss Bates said, stuffing her book into her bag. “It was really nice of him.”
“Alright, let’s head out,” Miss Bloom called out. “Bye Professor.” With that, she snapped her fingers and was gone.
This was followed by several more snapping fingers, then the room was devoid of Gryffindors.
Sighing, Professor McGonagall made her way to her own desk and took a muggle device out of one of the lower drawers. With yet another sigh, she pressed the stop button.
Draco looked at the scorch marks on the castle wall and sighed. “You really shouldn’t be able to breathe fire in your human form,” he told his cousin.
Spike put a hand behind his head and gave a sheepish grin. “Believe it or not, it is actually harder to control when I’m like this.”
“Oh, I believe it,” said Silver Spoon. “You need to practice your control.”
“How does one practice not breathing fire when spooked?” Spike questioned.
“Yeah, we’ll just strike sneaking up behind you and shouting ‘boo’ from the list of approved activities,” Ralph quipped.
“Someone is losing points for this.” Diamond Tiara commented offhandedly, looking at an abashed Tracey.
The Muggle Studies Professor blinked and found that he was hugging something white and cuddly. It took a few seconds for the situation to register before he gasped and quickly took a few steps back.
“So, who tickled Spike this time?” Celestia asked with a smirk.
“I heard someone shout ‘boo’ just before I was engulfed in flames,” the Muggle Studies Professor stated with a shake of his head.
“Ah, I see,” Celestia said eyeing the new human in the room. “We were just getting ready to adjourn for lunch. Would you care to join us?”
Lunch wasn’t anything special that day, with the sole exception of the addition of mangoes to the menu. This led to an interesting development or two. From where she was sitting, Professor McGonagall could see Miss Parkinson somehow hunched over a platter of the fruit while munching away. It was notable that there was a vacant circle of self-preservation around her as her housemates were known to harbor that trait.
Surprisingly, there was a similar area around Misses Lovegood and Bates at the Gryffindor table, where the two were sharing a platter of their own, sharing being a relative term since mutually protecting from everyone else was a better description.
At the Hufflepuff table, Torin and his friend from Ravenclaw were doing something similar, which was an oddity for his house, which was known for its sharing.
With trepidation, Professor McGonagall turned toward the Ravenclaw table and saw that Mr. Corner had somehow acquired three full platters of the fruit and had a similar no-go zone around himself.
His housemates were looking at him in shock, and Professor McGonagall distinctly heard one of them say. “Ooookaaaaay… it would appear we have another bat-pony.”
“He growled at me when I scolded him for coming over and stealing our platter,” a girl complained.
“Scary,” added another, waggling her fingers for emphasis.
Sighing, Professor McGonagall turned and looked at Extra Security, who was in turn eyeing Mr. Corner in a calculating manner, ignoring the mango platter sitting in front of her.
“Don’t even think of it.” Professor McGonagall warned her.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Extra Security said.
“I mean it,” Professor McGonagall said sharply.
“We are not going to risk anyone getting upset,” Extra Security said dismissively.
Professor McGonagall sighed again; she was doing a lot of that today. “He’s going to get an invitation to spend the summer in Equestria.”
“Him and his parents.” Extra Security nodded. “And any siblings he may have.”
“Was this what you had in mind when you suggested mangoes be added to the menu?”
Extra Security gave her a look asking if she were mental. “I am a thestral.”
Professor McGonagall glared at her.
“Don’t worry; concerning the colts and fillies, we are not going to cross any of the lines you have set for us,” Extra Security stated, bringing the conversation back in line.
“See that you don’t,” Professor McGonagall said primly.
“It is much more beneficial if we work with you.” Extra Security nodded happily. “Thanks to our stall in Diagon Alley, the fact that humans are ready all year round, and what your doctors call a frankly ridiculous fertility rate, we have twenty-seven mares pregnant at this time.”
“Yes,” Professor McGonagall said. “I am well aware of your predicament and why you so readily cede to our demands.” She took a bite of her own meal, and swallowed before continuing. “I understand that you were the one to suggest that Professor Snape stay in her human form for the duration of her pregnancy.”
“Yes.” Extra Security nodded. “The children of pony/zebra unions are often unable to have foals of their own. Hopefully, her staying human will alleviate that problem.”
“An understandable precaution,” Professor McGonagall admitted. “How very altruistic of you.”
“I wish I could claim as much. This increases the likelihood of another viable foal with bat pony genes, and the suggestion bought me a lot of good will from their herd.” Extra Security continued to watch Mr. Corner attack his, and everyone else’s mangoes. “Being in Applejack’s good graces is also a desirable position.”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting to become intimate with another wall,” Professor McGonagall said.
“I would very much love to forget that day.”
“Then the lesson would be lost.”
“No chance for an obliviate, then?” Extra Security asked.
“I’m afraid not.”
“Pity that.”
“It is a policy not to obliviate injuries when stupidity is a factor,” Professor McGonagall said.
“So harsh.” Extra Security pouted before finishing with. “Don’t even think of it. Touch that and fingers will be broken”
Professor McGonagall looked down and saw that Professor Goodman’s hand had been inching toward the mango platter. The male Professor Goodman that is; the whole instant marriage thing was playing havoc with the naming conventions around the school.
“Don’t threaten my stallion,” Berrytwist growled.
“His fingers… your fingers… I don’t care which,” Extra Security stated.
“Keep a civil tongue,” Professor McGonagall said. “Else, I will ensure that mangoes cease to be a menu option.”
“But…” Extra Security sputtered. “They are mangoes!”
“This is getting ridiculous,” Professor Goodman said, the female one this time. “Accio mango!” Marcy then deposited the fruit on Richard’s plate. “There you go.”
“Hey!” Mr. Corner complained loudly.
“You’ll get sick if you eat all of those.” Professor Marcy Goodman told him.
“Totally worth it,” Mr. Corner said, and Professor McGonagall noticed Misses Lovegood and Bates nodding their heads in agreement.
Standing abruptly, Professor McGonagall called the attention of the entire hall. “Students.” She declared “New rule. Those of you of thestral persuasion shall be forthwith limited to four mangos per meal. Mr. Corner, since you have well exceeded that limit, you are done. You as well, Miss Parkinson. And don’t think I’ve forgotten those of you at the Hufflepuff table. Miss Bates, cease stuffing those in your carry all, that was not an invitation for you to horde them for later. Miss Lovegood, what happened to the pile that was right in front of you a second ago?”
“They’re in my hair.”
“In your… did Lady Black teach you that?”
“No ma’am.”
“Then how?”
Miss Lovegood shrugged. “It seemed like a good time to learn.”
“Miss Parkinson, you just heard me telling Miss Bates not to do that. Do not think you are exempt. Put them back on the platter.” Professor McGonagall turned her attention back to the Hufflepuff table. “Shrinking them and stuffing them in your pockets shall not be allowed either.”
“I take it back.” Marcy said. “It isn’t getting ridiculous, it’s already there.”
“Miss Security!” Professor McGonagall caught her with her hand midway to her own bag. “I was just berating the students for doing that. What kind of example do you think you are providing?”
“Um… proper foraging techniques?”
It wasn’t long after classes were done for the day when Professor McGonagall summoned the first-years of her house. She wasn’t surprised, despite being a little dismayed when they literally popped into her office.
“Y'all wanted to see us Professor?” Miss Bloom asked for the group.
“Yes,” Professor McGonagall said from where she was standing in front of her desk. “First of all, when it comes to apparition, it is rude to appear inside someone’s personal space. In the future, the same concept shall apply to your new ability.”
“Yes ma’am,” Miss Bloom said respectfully, as Professor McGonagall surveyed the remaining Gryffindors. She noticed that Miss Lovegood was looking a bit too smug.
“Just a moment Miss Bloom.” Professor McGonagall said swishing her wand. “Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Miss Lovegood,” Professor McGonagall said placing the fruit on her desk, “I thought I asked you to remove all the mangos from your hair.”
“I may have missed one.” Miss Lovegood replied.
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
With a sigh, Professor McGonagall glanced down at the three mangos on her desk before continuing.
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
“Accio mango.”
*Pop!*
After a sudden thought, she stopped mid-cast. Slowly, she looked down and saw the single mango sitting on her desk. With a frown, she turned her gaze to the rest of the Gryffindors. As a group the remaining children pointed toward one of their members.
“Um… burp?” said Miss Bates questioningly.
“Miss Bates, empty the mangoes from your bookbag onto my desk.”
“Awwww!”
“Now, Miss Bates.”
*Thump!* *Thump!* *Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump!*
“Thank you, Miss Bates. You may return to your position.”
“Couldn’t I just have one?”
Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes at the young girl. “You shall be lucky if I do not start removing points for your behavior.”
“You can have the points if I can have the mangoes.”
With a sigh, Professor McGonagall look down at her fruit-free desk. “Miss Lovegood,” she said dangerously.
“I think it might have been Dean.”
“Leave me out of this.”
“Accio all the mangoes in Miss Lovegood’s hair.” A good number of pops followed that statement. Flabbergasted, Professor McGonagall said, “These have to weigh more than you do. In fact, I am quite sure that there weren’t this many in the Great Hall during lunch.”
“I may have found the kitchens,” Miss Lovegood said dreamily.
“When it comes to mangoes, there is something seriously wrong with bat ponies,” Miss Weasley said.
Not taking her eyes off of two of the girls, Professor McGonagall summoned a house elf. A different kind of pop was heard before she said, “Hello Tiffy, would you mind relocating these somewhere wayward students cannot find them.”
“Tiffy can.” The elf nodded. “Tiffy be glad Professor Kitty be finding half of the missing funny fruit.”
“Half of? … Miss Lovegood, empty the remaining mangos out of your bag.”
“Aww!”
Not too long after that, the elf happily left with the plentiful pilfered produce.
“Children, we need to address your newly acquired disdain for the space between point A and point B. However, there needs to be one more participant for this conversation. Miss Bloom, I understand you are willing to stand and take any punishment directed toward your herd first, is that correct?”
“Yes ma’am,” Miss Bloom said warily. “If’n my herd needs… Yowwwch!” She cut off as a stinging charm hit her dead center of her chest. “What were that fer!”
“It did seem rather excessive,” Mr. Discord agreed, tilting his head and looking at the young girl.
“You really need a better way for us to get in contact with you.” Professor McGonagall tapped her wand on Apple Bloom’s chest, removing the pain. “Either that or stop ignoring my owls.”
“Ah…” Discord tapped his chin with a gloved finger. “That was rather unorthodox thinking. I must say that I approve.”
“Ah don’t. That hurt.”
“Be that as it may, Mr. Discord, we must discuss your teaching the students your particular method of transportation,” Professor McGonagall said.
“My method of transportation?” Mr. Discord tsked. “Oh no, no, no. If I did that, dear Celestia would attempt to murder me. She does seem to be of the opinion that ponies and chaos magic do not mix very well.”
“Then what, pray tell, did you teach them?” Professor McGonagall suppressed the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose.
“Well, they did ask me to teach them my method, but as I said, that was not the wisest option.”
“What did you teach them?” Professor McGonagall suppressed the urge again.
“You see, a discussion of how they could achieve their desired results in another manner was had. That was when Miss Granger mentioned that owls were doing something similar to what they wanted to do and a good portion of their herd does have wings. She really is quite brilliant.”
Professor McGonagall decided right there and then that she was going to have to break out the fire whiskey after she found out where this was headed.
“I, of course explained, that the owls were going back and forth between dimensions as well as taking advantage of the discrepancies in the time betwixt the two.”
“Betwixt?” Professor McGonagall said, caught off guard.
“Hehe,” Mr. Discord chuckled. “There really is not a word you would recognize to properly describe what I just glossed over. Suffice to say it would take several hours of lecturing and a vast expansion of your vocabulary just to achieve a marginal increase in your comprehension.”
“Could we schedule that lecture for later?” Miss Granger asked while the rest of the first-years, barring Misses Patil, Lovegood, and Belle all groaned.
“When you are older.” Mr. Discord winked before continuing his explanation. “Anyways, to copy what the owls were doing would essentially be teaching them to dimension hop, something even I consider to be a disaster waiting to happen, if not an actual disaster in of itself.”
“Discretion? From you?”
“I have no desire to explain how the backbone of time got stripped off a reality or two, just to name one possible outcome,” Mr. Discord said. “Well, truthfully, most would consider that to be impossible, but we all know what these children think of that word.”
“I do have the empty whiskey bottles to prove it.”
“Remind me to bring you a cask of Klingon blood wine; that will curl your toes.” Mr. Discord smirked. “As I was saying, the initial idea had merit but needed tempering. That was when I realized I was working with individuals who have an innate feel for two separate dimensions. I did not need to teach them to dimension hop so much as skip, so to speak. Instead of going from one spot in this dimension, traversing the distance, then ending in another, they are leaving this dimension, bouncing off Equestria and returning to a different point in their starting dimension. Thus, they gain one of the benefits of cross dimension travel while still being tied to this dimension.”
Professor McGonagall did pinch the bridge of her nose at this point. “Why would you teach children this?”
“Do you have any idea how much chaos I reap every time I give them even the tiniest of new toys? Granted they always end up with a stable balance in the long run, but I am getting a net profit.”
“Considering what Lady Black has told me of your nature, I can’t say that I can fault your logic.” Professor McGonagall continued to rub the bridge of her nose. “Wards can do absolutely nothing here. The children are just avoiding them completely.”
“True true.” Mr. Discord smirked.
“Could you not enjoy this quite so much?”
“I could not stop if I tried.” Mr. Discord continued to smirk when suddenly there was a flash of purple light and a scroll appeared floating in front of the two adults. “Ah Karma, why do you hate me so? This will probably be an attempt to teach me not to gloat.” Mr. Discord said reaching for the new object.
“What is it?” Professor McGonagall asked.
“It is from the consortium,” Discord said unrolling the scroll, “something that is not good simply on that merit alone. Let us see now, dear sir, ma’am or turg it has come to our attention that you have recently perfected a new method of travel. Unfortunately, you are not the first to use this approach, for you see it causes…” At this point Discord stopped for a few seconds to run his eyes over the next paragraph. “…eddies” he finally continued. “Which are very destructive to the surrounding dimensional fabric.”
“Wait a minute.” Professor McGonagall interrupted. “I feel that you left something out there.”
Mr. Discord nodded. “It actually says, for you see it causes harvatiuon glurb justmiculate verkub olverqayinkg kijongmun gar gibnat…”
“What?”
“Which is why I choose to paraphrase.”
“Oh.”
“Basically, it says bad things happen when you do this and this is why bad things happen,” Mr. Discord stated.
“We’ll go with eddies, shall we.”
“Yes, now where was I?” Mr. Discord turned back to the parchment. “Blah, blah, irresponsible, blah, blah, unforgivable, blah, blah, dunderhead.” He blinked at that word before continuing. “We extend this opportunity for you to remove the knowledge of this technique from all those in possession of it. If you lack the means to remove said knowledge a representative can be made available to do so. Failure to comply will force us to send dedicated assassins to ensure...” Discord stopped reading and re-rolled the scroll. “Right then, Harry may I borrow your wand.”
“Yes sir.” Harry said taking it out of its holster.
“Would they really send assassins against children?” Professor McGonagall pursed her lips in worry.
“After reading what happens with just an occasional casual use of this ability, I cannot say that they are over reacting.” Mr. Discord swished Harry’s wand a few times. “In fact, they are being more than gracious, giving us this chance to correct the problem. I shall not begrudge them the threat made without malice. Now where were we? Ah yes. Obliviate.”
A bright flash of light filled the room.
*Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!* *Pop!*
Five mangoes removed themselves from Luna’s hair.
“Mr. Discord,” Luna said, stooping to retrieve the fruit. “I seem to have forgotten how to keep things in my hair.”
“I am sorry, my dear.” Mr. Discord said. “I was targeting new abilities gained within the last twenty-four hours that do not relate to classwork.”
“May I have it back?”
“I am afraid that not only did I remove the ability, I removed the capacity to relearn the ability.”
“Oh, pooh.” Luna pouted.
At those words, the scroll, which Discord was still holding, leapt to hover in midair. It bowed once before disappearing in a flash of purple light.
“That was weird.” Said Mr. Finnigan.
Discord frowned. "While it helps me barely avoid perfect order. I was not responsible for that display."
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If all thestrals are that bad around fruit (or at least mangoes)... what about Severus Snape?
Yay. I was just wondering when a new chapter would come out.
Discord not responsible for something weird that is odd. Can't wait to see what supposedly impossible thing the cmcs pull off next. I guess the universe says 1 pinkie is enough for any universe. Although Discord should start making wine deliveries to the school just to keep in the teachers good graces.
Thank you very much for a new chapter!
11582914
I suspect he'd kick in his mental defences. Not one to let his cravings rule him, he.
Ever hear the phrase "tough love"?
11582914
He's a master of Occlumency. Presumably, he has the same urges regarding said fruit but has the capacity to choose not to act on it.
...either that or he's a lot sneakier about it than the other thestrals are.
Poetry.
At this time, 22:10 or 10:10 p.m. on this day, this story was on the front page!
Wait a minute... has she told Discord she is expecting yet? Moreover, it does seem quite some time has passed, is it soon?
Yes wonder how the Aurors would deal with Angel Bunny Amelia forgot mention Fluttershy can talk to animals. Fluttershy can make you regret your life choices without trying
Honestly at first I thought the kids were Elf Popping, which shouldn't cause any issues. Elves form of apparition is apparently different enough from wizards that they can disapparate from areas warded against it.
Rolling in laughter over here
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Did she just recorded her class? Probably for a bet who was the most entertaining class students
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I love 'Extra Securitys' character ♡
Discord is absolutely priceless
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This might yet be the best laugh I got out of a simple question
11582916
Every update a feast for the eyes. This brand if humor is priceless ♡
11582920
Good point, I wonder why bloodwine is harder than wishkey.
11582934
Until he is unobserved
11582940
In some Fimfiction stories Fluttershy can increase her ability to lethal levels... That mare is something else...
11582943
I bet the second, he probably has a potion to give him Manga favors all day long
11582969
It is a art only master by few...
11582989
It deserved it ever time it updates
11583015
I wonder what philosophy cats and dogs would share with her...
11583031
They probably use a more complex or simpel solution for the same result.
One can use fingers or a suction to lift a glass of water, but both results in the same.
Many paths can lead to the same result, yet different enough to be unimaginable for the other unless told so.
11583015
I can see how Angel Bunny could change their entire Life Philosophy. (They thought the rabbit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail was a fictional character.)
11583058
It is what I am going to make Angel Bunny in all my stories. Or to precise his Ancestors.
11582943
That or he got a lot more self discipline than anyone currently in the school. Considering how he handled being kidnapped and thrown in jail without the slightest bit of upset on his part like it was just a minor thing and not worth getting upset about
Absolute comedy gold this chapter. Couldnt do much better with Ronnie Corbet in the Grocers.
Also appearing, Odd Job as Random Task.
As for Kindness not being capable in comabat?
Killing them softly, and Giving Mercy.
Fluttershy is a dedicated animal caretaker, amature vet. Means she has to learn about far more physilogies and psychologies than the single species dealt with by a human doctor.
As for Pinkie?
Shes a cook. She not only knows all the animal stuff from Fluttershy, but also how to render them into delicious succulent food stuffs quickly and effiicntly.
As for the CMC, how many severely traimatised class A predator monsters does the Department for Magical Creatures now have in secure accomodation to treatment, rehabilitation and removal from vicinity of the CMC?
Does Snape like sittng in frnt of the TV, watching Red Dwarf, and sipping at his drink along to the theme tune?
I wonder if Spike is just a human shaped Equestrian Dragon, and kept all the starter base form abilities, as well as adding and improving on the magical human animagus side of things? If only TV series or comic series as well, as that really turned up Spikes capabilities to Mane class.
As for the scroll bowing to Discord, given where it came from, why was he suprised, when he has appeared as a sentient animated scroll himself before? As for the skip back eddie thing accross Mbranes, um.. n dimentional holgraphic spacial alteriations effects on the virtual hologram reality generated as one set of theoretical possibilities after a few seconds thought? Uhoh. Holographic universe doesnt just define objects, but the relative strength of forces of fields at all points in that reality, which means if Hermione takes Discords reaction and Pinkies abilities, she can really get a good idea of whats possible and how to do it. Unless that what the scroll was, to really crank up the chaos power not just locally to Hogwarts Equestria realities?
Ah. More Tea, Victor?
awesome chapter for a awesome story.
HA!!! While I understand the logic, I have to admit that I heartily approve of the CMCs NOT having to dimension skip like that. Plus, it's nice to see how not everything Discord tries to put into motion works out and that he still can make some 'mistakes'.
Not to mention, while Luna abusing the shit out of her hair storage ability in regards to mangoes would've been amusing, I get the feeling that that particular gag would've gotten old quicker than the dimension skipping.
I think my most favorite part of the chapter was Amelia's meeting. It was interesting to see how the wizards viewed the Mane 6 and their quirks. I am already anticipating the time when Rainbow Dash shows that she's NOT the weakest of the group by any means, just having a different skill set to Applejack's brute strength.
Speaking of which, I KNOW that Applejack will have a complete laughing fit when/if she ever learns of the humans thinking of Rainbow as a dainty and/or weak girl like that. Ohhh, the comedy that would ensue...... 🤣 😂 I hope that is an event you're already planning for!!!
11583138
Yes, but he's hate-watching. "Dunderheads."
11583213
reminds me of a scene in a fan-story where Rainbow Dash got into a fight with Spitfire.
Spitfire was expecting a girlish slap, but got an uppercut that sent her sunglasses flying...
11583394
EXACTLY!!!
The more you try to stop a bat pony eating mangos the faster it leads to the inevitable rampage
11582916
Now if they could pop out just a bit faster...
11583011
It hasn't even been mentioned yet if he even knows he has another wife yet given how Equestian marrage/magic works. Mind this could even be a surprise to his wives as well...
It's official. To Bat-Pomies, Mangoes are as bad as crack. They're all addicted, need to stop it and get some help.
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Keep in mind there was a chapter where Rarity went all out on her in book one and their restaurant visit got livestreamed. So I belive they falshly think that this represents ehr true nature.
That is the concern, yes.
Hmm. So is hitting patrolpony a matter of accepting an owl as a librarian or noticing it in the first place? Either way, it's definitely progress for a visitor in Ponyville.
"Professor Kitty" is a lovely touch, though I do feel you overplayed the mango gag.
Yeah, I can see how ricocheting off of universes could have some regrettable consequences. Eddies in the space-time continuum aren't all convenient couches and glossing over continuity errors. In any case, nice to have another installment of this story... though I do have to wonder where things will go from here. Goodness knows there are a number of issues brewing, but it doesn't feel like much progress was made with them. I suppose I'll see in time.
11584123
I think it's more of "You've passed the hazing." Although, charitably, it could be more of "You've demonstrated that you won't let being gobsmacked get in the way of doing your job."
Thanks for the update!
so how will the children escape Hogwarts this time(Wormhole portals?Matter Transmission that comes with the danger of Nuclear explosions?)? when will the professors learn that more restrictions only leads to more and more dangerous ways of getting around them? I mean before they had a way to keep track of the kids on their outings via Phoenix...now? yeah that doesn't exist anymore because the Adults stupidly threw that away...i have NO sympathy for the Professors here.
11586309
Yeah discord made sure there was an adult making sure they didn't get in over their heads and trying to stop them only makes them more determined to do the forbidden. Discord had made sure they were safe as for the rest of world well that is another story. Maybe he should teach them pinkie tricks next time.
Here's some reference material:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1014562/unofficial-hazy-days-and-magical-ways-thread-tracker-ch-34
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1014563/unofficial-hazy-days-and-magical-ways-character-listing-ch-34
Why?
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Many of them will even be legal!
Re-reading complete, what a ride! Magnificent ♡
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Time well worth the days to do it
11589866
no, that would destroy the multiverse even faster than what he had to take away in this chapter...the last thing anyone needs is others emulating the Pink One...
I feel the proper response to Random Task saying Pinkie couldn't be hiding in his hat should have been her popping out of it shouting "surprise".
Annoyed to see people are still largely turning a blind eye to the thestrals behaviour.
You know, I've been pondering this for a while. But the CMCs really need to get some more actual PONIES into their herd. They have a ratio of like 75% human to 25% pony! Need to even them out a bit.
11589866
what really gets me is that Mcgonagall hasn't learned anything here...she's created a situation where the Adults are quickly loosing any control of the CMC...first rule of rule making NEVER MAKE A RULE YOU KNOW WON'T BE FOLLOWED, it destroys your authority and the faith others have in you. I kinda want to see a situation where the CMC get so many Detentions that the Professors get no REST...because if you issue a detention then you have to be the one to administer it.
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They were warned that containing the cmcs wasn't ever going to be an easy thing and yet they keep trying. Discord at least is keeping them from getting really hurt and allowing them to spread their wings. If they want the kids to stay they have to give them something to distract them for a while.
11606983
and there you have one of the main issues with hogwarts...outside of class it's BORING! at this point i have no sympathy for the Professors...especially because they are close to crossing the line from Discipline to Abuse...Snivalus crossed that line long time ago. They need to learn that Rules have a Price and it's time to pay.
11607243
Creative and curious minds do need to kept simulated. I just ask them to make a map of hogwash including all the hidden rooms. That would keep them occupied for a while. The professors are mostly just fed up because the cmcs have no limits and the rules were supposed keep the students safe and orderly. Snape was a huge jerk before he got married and what Harry father tried to do was disgusting. Sending someone to a place guarantee to meet a werewolf who will certainly attack anything not an animal was cruel and almost ruined their lives. If he hadn't been stopped they all would have been expelled for happened and it would have been a miracle if Snape lived. And despite their excuse of it was a dumb prank they just wanted to teach him a lesson for being too curious. The cmcs when they thought about the wolf prepared for the fight. Otherwise they would have been badly hurt maybe cursed or killed. The teachers if they want to not lose their minds then need to keep the kids safe but busy with challenges. I hope they get the tri wizard cup happen because those kids will demolish every event.
11606531
That was my first thought, but this is the second year, I'm assuming her incarceration has reached an end. But she might still be on probation and has to do some community service.
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I am assuming you meant to type
Otherwise your criticism is misdirected. It was Sirius who goaded Snape into checking the shrieking shack. James, on the other hand, risked his life to save the greasy haired git.
11607968
Ok it's been awhile since I read that book. But still the consequences of that decision were horrible. The cmcs at least try to be smart before inviting trouble to say hello. And yes they are always looking for new challenges but but considering they beat up a werewolf and smartly at that. That wolf didn't realize how much trouble he was in till he was being handed over to the authorities. Of course the other teachers still rate higher than the history teacher who they tried to get rid of. Though I'm still not sure why they never asked where they got the spell from.
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Prediction:
.....
Sonic Rainboom!!!
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She's thinking of what else Discord might consider as "herd magic".
Its a rather disturbing list considering Discord.
11617887
ICR which fictional character said something on the lines of "I'm always reasonable. I just find that most people are more reasonable AFTER I break their head open & let all the stupid out.".
Wonderful work so far, shame Luna lost the hair ability.