• Member Since 31st Mar, 2018
  • offline last seen Last Friday

AshStreak


I write for fun, I may take ideas or something as requests!

Comments ( 13 )

wait lil cheezy isn't a colt in canon, I thought the thing with the mane was a pinkie pie thing he got from his mom?

Well this was a very fun story, I was surprised that the twins didn't get on to each other right after with Lil' Cheese watching. Fun read, I hope you will being do more of those in the very near future, and I wonder who are the foals born from the other Mane Six you could create from Lil' Cheese to be fucked over by.

The author's note is at the bottom in this chapter, when I think you want it up top.

There are a few themes in stories I just can't get behind, and foal molestation is one of them. I mean, don't get me wrong, its fantasy so no one is being hurt but speaking as I've known a few people in my life who went through this, it makes me feel uneasy even reading it. I mean its one thing if the colt/filly is already willing or knowledgeable or just about any other scenario other than THIS ONE but yeah when you go down this route:

"B-But mommy said I shouldn't-"

"It's just part of the game Cheese~ You trust me don't you?" She leaned up and gave him a small kiss on his cheek, loving the look of embarrassment on his face.

I just can't read this...:fluttercry:

10099504
Sorry to hear that, but I typically like to make stories with somewhat believable storylines. Plus even foals know about sex would probably be just as hesitant about it if they grew up being told not to.

10099165
There was a rather huge debacle around whether he was colt or filly. Show uses a filly model while a writer said he was a colt. It's really a preference thing at this point.

10099199
Thanks! I don't think I have any plans yet to makeup characters yet, however there is a chance this one will get some update in the future. (I was set to a 10k word count so that is why some things like twincest weren't involved)

10099562

Perhaps if you hadn't used the "lets play a game" and "You trust me, don't you?" lines or a situation close to that, I'd be more on board with this but when you use those lines it makes it sound as if she's taking advantage of his trust for her own sexual gratification(complete with telling him to close his eyes, I mean yesh! Its like you looked up information on real sex offenders and their tactics for getting their victims for these ideas or something...no offense.:twilightoops:) instead a more innocent approach.

I mean, this is just me and I'm not going to tell you how to write your stories but if I wrote a story like this, (Which I have.) I'd take a route where Cheese got curious and Pound simply went along with it, slowly upping the ante, until it got to full blown sex. That way, it shows him innocently curious instead of being coaxed.

Anywho that's all I'm gonna say on the matter. I'm sure this is a good story and if you had approached this situation from a different angle, i'd totally of read it but anyways, have a nice day!:twilightsmile:

10100244
For sure! No hard feelings! thanks for the input!

Definitely need to write more. Maybe a threesome between them, or a foursome with Pinkie too.

10116022
I am currently in the middle of writing a sequel to this, although it's taking me a bit since there's no deadline and I have a lot of work currently. Pinkie's def joining in though.

10116406
Yay! No problem about the delay, I can wait for greatness for a good long time.

Hi there! I'm pleased to tell you this you came in third place in my foalcon contest. I've written a detailed review below based on my criteria. In regards to accepting your prize, I ask that you first read my blog post. I will contact you.


Style 10/10
Characterization 7/10
Pinkie is extremely out of character. She should never be written as boring as that's the opposite of her personality. Thankfully she's not in for long.
Where your story really shines is the confrontation between Pumpkin and Pound in the adjacent room after he overhears her. Amazing moment of character! Pound is extremely realistic and defies a lot of porn tropes in that he confronts the situation immediately, removes Pumpkin from the situation, and displays his disapproval. I appreciate the role reversal between Pumpkin and Pound for who initiates the situation and who gets reluctantly pulled in. Their relationship is a stellar point of this story and I hope you write more about them.
Creativity 10/10
Pretty good idea! Once again, the role reversal and Pound's reaction are extremely well done.
Writing 5/10
A lot of issues with grammar, dialogue starting mid-paragraph, capitalizations, situations where better language could have been used, etc.
Sex Scene 15/20
This is where the issues with grammar really hold you back from immersing your reader. On top of that, you tend to float toward being generic a few times, but manage to straddle the line.
Exposition 18/20
A few issues I had with characters but I enjoyed Pumpkin's foreboding attitude.
Climax 20/20
Total Score 85/100
As I said above the dynamic between the siblings and the handful of unique decisions you made are what made this fic really stand out to me. Impressive work. With some editing and tweaking to fix up your grammar, you'd be the winner for sure.

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