No Bon-Bon, I Expect you to Lie

by Hotel_Chicken

Your Frienemies and Enemy.

It's been some time since Agent Sweetie Drops came to you in tears after breaking up with Lyra. Since then Agent Sweetie Drops tried to make amends with her ex-Marefriend and the two have somewhat rekindled their relationship. Lyra was pretty upset about the whole Secret Agent thing and asked Agent Sweetie Drops to give her some space for a bit. It’s been two weeks since then…

Since then Agent Sweetie Drops has not only conquered your couch of chaos, but also you Living room of Lies, your Bathroom of Bane, and your kitchen. You’ve managed to protect your Stallion Sanctorum for now, but it’s only a matter of time before she “Beautifies” that too. If it wasn’t for the fact that Agent Sweetie Drops was using her vacation days while at your lair you would have sprung a trap on her by now to protect what is left of your pride.

So far she’s been getting along with the Henchmen, only having to suffer the disapproving glare of a few Henchmen she hospitalized in the past. Thankfully you were able to stop any of them from trying to "get payback" or doing something equally stupid by threatening to withhold their paychecks. You learned a long time ago that that specific threat worked a lot more efficiently on hardened veteran Henchman than death threats. You think it's because they quickly realized that most death threats were just empty threats in disguise.

As the final Henchman left for the weekend you strolled into one of the deeper rooms of your lair as you patiently awaited the arrival of the most dastardly group of villains you knew for your special gathering. You did this once a month on the first Friday of each month at one o the other villain's lairs.

Tonight was your night to host the event and, as previously agreed upon, all the Henchmen would leave to give your group complete and total privacy for the most important night of the month.

Guy’s night.

You already had the essentials prepared. Three large pizzas, two two liter sodas, a stack of napkins, paper plates, and a silver doggie bowl for Professor CatAtomic to use. He always hated when you offered him food in a doggie dish. He called it "degrading to someone who went to 12 years of college to earn their doctorate."

Despite how much the Professor annoyed you, you had to applaud his efforts as most "doctors" or "professors" in the villain industry either forged their degree or just added it to their name to make them sound cooler.

You considered getting a doctorate for a while but decided having the title doctor in your name was a little too cliche, even for you.

Overall villainy is either a hobby or a part time job for most villains. Half of them are delusional egotists who think they should run the world and the other half are just a lot of bored rich people. If it's the former then the royal guard and the Elements of Harmony get involved.

If it's the latter then the government sends defunct agents who want to get back in the field. Apparently having six mares who could solve all the world’s problems led to a lot of ponies losing their jobs and needing to retire, so the retired agents are sent on missions deemed "not important." A little insulting, but better than having a squad of guards bursting your door down.

You fall into the latter of the two not because you're bored but because you find villainy interesting, much more interesting than all that “Friendship” Changeling dung. There's a certain elegance to villainy that makes it similar to street magic. Except instead of being worried you'll get stabbed and robbed by a homeless guy you're worried you'll end up in prison.

Thankfully you’ve managed to elude both death and taxes thus far and have no plans of stopping anytime soon.

As you finish setting up the last of the plates for the party you hear a symphony of beautiful bells that tells you someone is at the front door. As you happily trot up the stairs to greet your guests you freeze in horror at the sight in front of you, Agent Sweetie Drops is about to answer the door…

---

Death. Death to all ponies, all creatures, and death to yourself. You crave death right about now as you sit in your living room of lies surrounded by your arch enemy and your three most villainous acquaintances. The sound of disgusting laughter fills the air around you as you silently teeth in anger.

“Bwahahahah! A-And then w-what happen?” The peach furred minotaur, Death-Apocalypse, asks as he tries to stifle his boisterous and annoying laughter.

“H-He said, ‘Thu, miah thefial tfan thath pen thwaptd!’ “ Agent Sweeite Drops says, quoting the time you accidentally hit yourself with your speech impediment spell. If it wasn’t for her you would have made Princess Celestia look like a fool at the annual acronym affiliation celebration.

“Hehehe, just like Oculus.” The abomination of science, magic, and veterinary studies, Professor CatAttomic comments as he sips his tea. You really wish Agent Sweetie Drops didn’t throw away all of your arsenic tea bags right now.

“Coming from the guy who hacked up a hairball during his monologue.” Your saving grace and best friend, (the most powerful supper villain you know, and the one who's kept you out of both jail and prison all these years,) your blue furred pegasus lawyer Gavel Law says.

“You promised you’d never bring that up!” Professor CatAtomic bites back as he slams his front paws down on the table.

“Daaaw. Come here, I won’t let the mean old stallion lawyer hurt you.” Agent Sweetie Drops says as she scoops up Professor CatAtomic and gives him a hug. “Who’s a terrifying master of madness, you are, yes you are~.” Agent Sweetie Drops coos as she uses the Professor’s primary weakness against him, petting and praise.

“You’re darn right I am! Oh, a little lower.” The kitten states as he melts into Agent Sweetie Drops’ hooves like butter. You roll your eyes at the Professor's pathetic state. How a stallion turned cat could love ear scratches too much you'll never know.

"Please, kitten is not terrifying. Kitten is like... Kitten." Death-Apocalypse states as he takes another sip of his tea. "But that is beside point. Pony, tell us more stories about Octy, he barely ever talk to us."

"Yes. Maybe you could tell us who you are too, if you don't mind." Gavel Law inquires. Your heart immediately stops beating as your face pales.

"Oh, well I—" Agent Sweetie Drops was about to say something incredibly stupid, but you thankfully shut her up with a hoof in her mouth.

"O-Oh, she's uh, um, my Marefriend!" You say to the group, causing eyerycreature's eyes to widen. An award silence fills the room before Death-Appocalypse burts out into a furious laughter.

"Bwahahahaha! You am have Marefriend? Good job Comrade Octy!" He states as he gives you a slap on the back, allowing your hoof to fall off of Agent Sweetie Drops' muzzle. When you look over at her, your nervous smile struggles to stay up as she looks at you with a deadly glare.

"Sin, a word." Agent Sweetie Drops demands with a tilt of her head as she hops off of the couch and trots out of the Living room of Lies.

You give your group of friends a less than convincing chuckle before you hop out of your own seat with your ears splayed behind your head.

As you step outside into the Hallway of Horrors, Agent Sweetie Drops spins around looking at you with a righteous fury.

"What the buck was that?!" She whisper shouts at you, causing you to flinch at her cold tone.

"I-I panicked, Okay?! You were about to say that you're an Agent of Smile!" You whisper shout back.

"So?"

"So, you're at my lair and not thwarting my plans. It makes us look like-" You suppress the urge to vomit by placing a hoof in your mouth as you spit out the detestable words. "friends. If they find out I let my arch Enemy sleep on my couch I'll never hear the end of it! I might even lose my membership to the Society Aligned with Demoralization. Not to mention I'll never get accepted into F.R.O.W.N if anypony finds out! I'll be ruined!" You confess, letting a few tears escape your one eye as you give her a pleading look.

"Wow... I... I didn't know you guys were so strict with your rules. I mean, I told my bosses I was staying here and they were okay with it."

"One of the consequences of being a villain..." You lament. "Just... Just please play along for tonight and I promise I'll make it up to you." You beg her. Agent Sweetie Drops bites her bottom lip, clearly brainwashed into thinking that even a white lie is bad, and thinks about what you asked her to do. After a full minute of silent contemplation she hesitantly nods her head.

"Okay. I do owe you for letting me crash on your couch, Sin. So I'll play al-" You don't give her a chance to finish as you almost immediately embrace her in a bone crushing hug.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" You cheer happily before you unceremoniously break the off and cough into your hoof. "I-I mean, I would greatly appreciate that." You say, looking away from your arch rival as a small smile works it's way onto her muzzle.

"Hey, what are friends for?" She rhetorically asks as bumps you in the shoulder.

"Bleh! Please don't say that, it's so... Icky." You lament, failing to notice the large and playful smile on Agent Sweetie Drops' face.

"You're right. I meant to say, what are Marefriends for." She teases, causing you to bury your muzzle into your hooves.

"Ugh... I'm never going to hear the end of it from you, am I?"

"Nope!" She happily states as she trots back into the Living room of Lies. "Now come on Sin. Or should I say, Sinny?" She teases.

With a final glance around the Hallway of Horrors you slowly follow Agent Sweetie Drops back into the Living room of Lies.

"So, you two have fun?" Professor CatAtomic asks playfully with a know it all cheshire grin on his face.

It's at this moment you've realized how totally bucked you are tonight... Maybe you do have some Arsenic tea bags left.

Comments

[ruthim345]

Love it.

[fanreader999999]

The pony that bucked me.

[dudenotactive]

Alright, I'm liking it all now. Funny how I just imagine every villain wearing a black top hat and black cape as well as a moustache to fit the classic villain trope.

A great read and an entertaining one at that.

[Aegis Steelshield]

Pretty humorous. I'm looking forward to a part 3.

[joebev910]

nice