• Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
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Moonlit Sky


Nyaa~

T
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Adagio Dazzle and Sunset Shimmer meet, and both discover the joy of having a peer with whom to plot world domination. The two quickly become close.

Then Sunset gets rainbow-blasted and reformed. This throws a wrench into things.


Written for the Sunset Shipping Contest: Endings.

Cover art by me. Full credits for component images can be found via the Source link.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 6 )

This is a cool idea for a story! I've wanted to put pre-reformation Sunset in the same room as Adagio for a while, now, but never came up with anything solid enough to make a story out of it. Having them bond over world domination and then suddenly have one of them not want that anymore is a neat angle for getting them together and then breaking them up.

But with all that being said, this felt a little lacking in some areas. I feel like a big part of that was it using summary when I wanted to see scenes. We see a lot of Adagio and Sunset talking about their relationship and how it benefits them, but not so much of that relationship actually... existing. So when I got to moments like this:

You... probably don't think like me more than anyone else I've met, because I've lived for a very long time, but you're the most like me of the people I've actually talked to. And it makes spending time with you relaxing in a way that spending time with the others isn't.

It didn't feel earned. I could believe that Adagio felt that way, but more because that feels in line with how I see her character than the story convincing me she felt that way, if that makes sense.

Another thing that I think contributed to the same issue is that I didn't see much personality in the characters. One of the aspects of Adagio I like the most is that she's very much a larger-than-life, theatric figure; she can be flowery and eloquent in one moment, and viciously scathing in another. But here, she felt very subdued and defanged in a way that made me struggle to see her as the character she's meant to be. Perhaps that's to be expected--I think it's much easier to regulate how she comes across when she's described from another POV than when she's narrating--but when Sunset had much the same problem, it just made their interactions feel wooden and that's... less than ideal, when the intent is to capture romance.

Huh... I never thought about that before. What if they did meet before the fall formal? How interesting! Nice story.

<3

Absolutely loving the concept behind this. It's a great take.

9827792
Thanks for the feedback! I definitely had some of that same sense that something was missing, when I was writing and editing this, and your comment seems like a pretty plausible accounting of some of the issues involved.

As far as the summarizing issue goes, I tried to convey some amount of their-relationship-as-I-was-envisioning-it via the second chapter, but now that you bring it up... yeah, that probably was a bit too rushed. Adding a couple extra scenes around that section to build up the way the relationship developed (and to do more to foreshadow its cracks) would probably have helped a lot.

Character-writing-wise... yeah, you're entirely right. Character voice is, in general, a thing I currently struggle with; I actually consider this to be one of my better stories character-voice-wise, if anything—I made some advances in my approach to the topic, over the course of writing this, which let me keep the characters a lot less samey-sounding than they've historically tended to be in my (unpublished) previous stories—but it's still a big weakness of mine, and is one of the areas which I'm trying hardest to get more practice at.

Fascinating concept, and I really enjoyed reading the execution of it. It does feel a bit rushed, which I think goes back to Naiad's comment about summarizing, but overall I think this is a fun story and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you in the future, if you choose to keep publishing.

Interesting idea to have Sunset scrying on the pony world, makes a lot of sense how she'd know where to go and what to do when she crossed back through the mirror to get Twilight's crown.
Unfortunately not really buying into the chemistry here between them, which I suppose makes sense considering they don't seem entirely sure of it either.

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