You Might Be A Redneck Pony If...

by Dreadnought

Signs and Symptons

"So," Twilight began, "let's recap the last 24 hours. It began with Rarity - "

***We interrupt Robot Pony to bring you this important public service announcement from the government:

Equestria is a vast, diverse world. It has its cultured class, the aristocracy, that have access to higher education, money and soap. Then it has a mob simply known as rednecks. How can you tell if you or your neighbors fall into this class? Well, you might be a redneck pony if...

You use breezies as fishing bait.

You use magical levitation to get beer from the fridge so you wouldn't have to leave the couch.

You accidently kill the Wonderbolts because you mistook them for a flock of birds you're shooting.

You cut down the Tree of Harmony for firewood.

Your cutie mark is a six-pack of beer.

You and your brother have the same name.

You're caught rolling around in the hay with your fist cousins.

You interrupt a friendship lesson to tell the Princess of Friendship to kiss your flank.

You get kicked out of the School of Friendship.

Your life has improved in one of Starlight-created alternate universes.

You use the mirror portal as a dumpster.

You invite the local dragon over simply to ignite the pilot light.

Your house is more of a mess than the pigsty.

Your cutie mark is a moonshine still.

Your foals have more hooves than they have teeth.

You can play the banjo while drunk.

You slaughter the entire population of Ponyville because you thought there really was a zombie apocalypse.

You try to trade your collection of beer bottle tops at the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange.

Your adult son looses the first-grade spelling bee.

You get into an argument with your brother over the best method of fishing: electrocution or dynamiting.

You run over a bunny with your cart then take it home for dinner.

Your gift to Fluttershy is a taxidermied bunny rabbit.

You use the Foal Free Press as wallpaper.

You voted for the Cutie Mark Crusaders at the talent show.

You steal Apple family cider in order to turn it into hard cider.

You serve said hard cider to foals on Nightmare Night.

You never have to decorate your house for Nightmare Night because it always looks like a creepy, rundown cabin in the woods.

You give the Tantabus nightmares.

You think it's weird to like ponies.

Your ex-marefriend crashes your wedding.

You crash your ex-marefriend's wedding.

You volunteer to bring the liquor to a PTA meeting.

Your foal takes a bottle of moonshine for show-and-tell.

You divorce your wife and yet you're still in the same family.

You start campfires by burning ancient scrolls checked out of the library.

Your beer belly has a beer belly.

You think it's a good idea to hit on Princess Celestia in front of your wife.

You have ten foals to ten different fathers.

You think South Park is ripping off the story of your life.

You think a heating up a can of tomato soup is "fancy cooking."

You can't count higher than four without your brother's hooves.

You are deemed to risqué for the Jerry Springer Show.

Your lawnmower is up on blocks.

Your apple cart is up on blocks.

Your moonshine still is up on blocks.

Your opinion is that "that Tirek feller just ain’t right."

You offer internships to your moonshining business.

Your wallet is made out of duct tape.

You shot up a plastic pink flamingo because you were too drunk to know it wasn't real.

Your apple cart has no original parts.

You’ve ever referred to the Canterlot ponies as "them damn Yankees."

You proudly wear your coonskin cap to royal court.

You complain that folks are flying the Confederate flag upside down.

Your dog did better in obedience training than you.

You were ever arrested for "Fishing under the influence."

You think tabacco is an ornamental plant.

You walk through the Changeling Kingdom open-carrying a bottle of Raid.

You started dipping before you lost your baby teeth.

You ask Discord to make it rain beer.

You ask Discord to make it rain stallions.

Your snoring is louder than the church choir.

Your yard gets less cluttered after a hurricane passes through.

You tell Applejack that Orchard Blossom is hot.

You petition to have "Sweet Home Alabama" become the national anthem.

You stop adopting dogs because you can't count that high.

You think the EUP is a branch of the CIA.

You have twice as many, or half as many, chromosomes.

You've traveled to Canterlot High so that you could get a taxidermied human.

Your retirement plan is your gun collection.

You tell Rarity that her Grand Galloping Gala dress needs more flannel.

You wear galoshes under your Grand Galloping Gala dress.

You get into a drinking competition with your reflection.

You think beer pong should be an official Equestrian Games sport.

You ask Mayor Mare to sign your fishing license while she's signing your marriage license.

You've starting decorating the weeds in your yard like Hearth's Warming trees.

You meet Princess Celestia and you say "Damn you got a big flank."

You mistake the Green Party as a pro-marijuana group.

You've ever been banned from Waffle House.

You think Dumb & Dumber is a serious drama.

You have a calendar counting down until the start of hunting season.

You only watch NASCAR for the deadly crashes.

You received PBR as a wedding present

You and your dog pee on the same tree.

You think the four basic food groups are beer, tobacco , pizza and nachos.

You start drinking by pregaming, and you start pre-gaming with pre-pregaming .

You and your family all share the same bathwater.

You go fishing for seaponies.

Your pants have a rope instead of a belt.

You think firearms and alcohol go together.

Your moonshine still is worth more than your house.

You think the periodic table is a list of magazines for sale.

You awoke one morning with a hangover and a cutie mark.

You repurpose tires into living room furniture.

You can name the last seven NASCAR champions but you can't name the ruler of Equestria.

You try to create fine art while peeing in the snow.

You sign your name with an "X".

You watch nature documentaries because "the animal porn is done artfully."

You tell Pinkie Pie that you want her to throw you "the biggest, hootenanniest, shindig."

You try to deposit all your money in the local sperm bank.

You find all your pantry's food is expired, even the Twinkies.

Your foal has to give you the "Birds and the Bees" talk.

You teach your foal the fundamentals of chemistry by cooking meth.

Your very first word was "damnyankee."

You can't decide which is better: yak meat or buffalo meat.

You make meth in the outhouse.

You've ever hunted from a balloon or airship.

You ask Princess Cadence to hook you up with your sister.

You adopt animals from the Ponyville Pet Center so your foals will have something for dinner.

You try to convert the locomotive from the Friendship Express into a makeshift still.

Your outhouse is cleaner than your actual house.

You don't use no double negatives in every single sentence you speak.

Your high school voted you "Most likely to end up in jail."

You go to the Ponyville landfill to get your Hearth's Warming gifts.

You get arrested for indecent exposure while trying to see how far you could pee from Canterlot.

You think indoor plumbing is "a passing fad."

Your indoor plumbing hasn't worked in three years.

Your presiding official at your wedding was the prison warden.

You complain about the terrible photo used for your arrest warrant.

You take down your grade school diploma to put up your prison record.

You've ever used the outhouse as a hunting blind.

You ask Princess Luna how old she is.

You ask Princess Celestia how fat she is.

You lost your baby teeth opening bottles of beer.

You were excited about math class until you realized you wouldn't be cooking up drugs.

You have your horn pierced.

You have your wings pierced.

You use your own feathers to stuff your pillow.

You tell Princess Cadence that Flurry Heart is "butt ugly."

You use deoderant as cologne.

You think a fine table setting includes plastic utensils, paper plates and shot glasses.

You hang a bug zapper to "git them changelings."

You say you're hungry enough to eat a horse, then you set out to prove your point.

You ask the Cutie Mark Crusaders to help you reconnect with your cutie mark and it results in a drinking competition.

Your secret porn stash includes only "Trucks Illustrated."

Your first dance at your wedding was to "Baby Got Back."

You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.

You think cattle-rustling is a noble profession.

Your last gift to your ex-marefriend was a cockatrice.

You ask Pinkie Pie for more of those worm-infested muffins.

You've ever used the Flame of Friendship for barbequing.

You are known for using lit cigarettes instead of candles on birthday cakes.

You give your foal the book series "Hairy Pothead."

You think it's a good idea to give Pinkie Pie a can of Redbull.

You consider trash bags as "fancy luggage."

Your toothbrush sees more use cleaning your boots than your teeth.

You sold Trixie second-hoof fireworks.

You go to Yakyakistan and say, "Well look-see here hun, all them fellas are-a spekin' a-right funny."

You look forward to Fluttershy's bird choir because it'll make the hunting easier.

Y'all use "y'all" at the beginning and end of every sentence, y'all.

***Thank you for your attention. If you spot any rednecks, do not approach. Please contact the League of Aristocratic Ponies for a Better Equestria to have the offending ponies quarantined. We now return to Robot Pony, already in progress....***

Pinkie Pie giggled, "Rainbow Dash, a taco doesn't go there!"

TV STATIC

Author's Note:

Whew! 150 solid reasons as to why yo might be a redneck pony. Does anypony out there wish to raise a hoof? Can you come up with any other signs of redneck ponies?

Complete Disclosure: I needed something to cheer me up after the end of the last BronyCon.

Dreadnought

Comments

[Shimmer Code]

This was fresh.

I'll give it that.

Now Git' Er Done!

Or

Am I just saying this, so I could be First in the comments?

You'll never know...

[Anonomis]

Can't...breathe! Laughing...too...hard!

[TheHardie-Boy]

This was great, hilarious even, but a few of these went a little too far. I’m also surprised you didn’t say this:

Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it

9765944
Probably

[Dreadnought]

9766006

Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it

I tried to come up with original reasons. I know that one was specifically said by Jeff Foxworthy.

a few of these went a little too far

I actually had a number that I deleted because I didn't want to go too far.

9765971
That was the goal. Sounds like I hit the mark.

Dreadnought

[Shimmer Code]

9766010
Too far or not far enough?

Lol, the down votes are from Redneck Ponies who've taken offense of this announcement.

[Dreadnought]

9766035
Well, I'd at least like folks who downvote this story to leave a comment why - it's hard to get better at writing without feedback.

Dreadnought

[Shimmer Code]

9766044
I agree with that.

Also phew!

Good thing you signed your comment, I would have never known whom sent this reply.

[Hillbe]

12 GREEN 7 RED

THEY MUST OF RAN OUTA BEER.........

You take the wheels off the new house so they don't run off with the beer.....

[Darkonshadows]

You might be a redneck pony if half your house is built out of singing fish on plaques.

[Hopeful_Ink_Hoof]

Despite the humor of the downvotes being due to people being offended, I can see a few legitimate reasons. Included among them:
You are asking people to read something that is set up as an oral joke. That means that there is a lack of the comedic timing that goes with it, as well as the emphasis. It takes away a majority of the humor. It is basically a list, with each being a punch line without additional set up or any sort of break. It also becomes a bit redundant, such as with the meth jokes. And honestly, it becomes a bit of a struggle due to it all. Reading through it line after line, with no real investment, it becomes kind of boring to do so.

[Minalkra]

It's just a list with a background noodle joke about American Southerners except with some things ponified.

[Xena Skywalker]

This is a very good one-shot.

[Mica]

You think the four basic food groups are beer, tobacco , pizza and nachos.

Don't forget the sweet tea! 99% sweet and 1% tea! Enough to make Pinkie go into shock!

You think it's weird to like ponies.

Yes, because all grown stallions who watch little girl cartoons are "preverts" that should be shot on sight.

Having grown up in the Deep South, I love to see how backwards people think Southerners are. There is always some truth in stereotypes, but most of it is just a gross exaggeration. In fact, some of the most progressive and open minded people I know are from the Deep South.

[Huk]

This story is a goldmine of ideas! I love it

[RBronyReader446]

You awoke one morning with a hangover and a cutie mark.

You mean Boomstick?

[Ice Star]

Your life has improved in one of Starlight-created alternate universes.

Holy fuck.

[Mr Kennedy]

You think the four basic food groups are beer, tobacco , pizza and nachos.

Hol up, ain't ass a major food group?

[Mr Kennedy]

I actually have one more redneck suggestion.

When you think Elon Musk is a deodorant brand and you somehow own a can.

[Possibly me]

You use the mirror portal as a dumpster.

You give the Tantabus nightmares.

You think a heating up a can of tomato soup is "fancy cooking."

You tell Rarity that her Grand Galloping Gala dress needs more flannel.

You've ever used the Flame of Friendship for barbequing.

You ask Pinkie Pie for more of those worm-infested muffins.

You think it's a good idea to give Pinkie Pie a can of Redbull.

Maybe I am a redneck pony!

[wertyui]

10264556
that might be good for "you might be a hood if..."

[RandomGuy101]

Signs and SyMpToNs

[Okie Brony]

Git 'er done!!
I wouldn't call this story "brilliant," but it's fun. For those of you who think this is just ponified versions of redneck jokes, THAT'S OBVIOUSLY THE IDEA. For much of my life, to quote one of my favorite redneck jokes, I had my workin TV sittin on top of my non-workin TV, which I kept because it looked cool. True story.

Ya dang kids with yer flat TVs hangin on the wall! Get offa my lawn!

---

Edit, noticed three weeks later:

You think a heating up a can of tomato soup is "fancy cooking."

That has too many G's. Try: "You think a-heatin up a can of tomater soup is "fancy cookin."