//------------------------------//
// Signs and Symptons 
// Story: You Might Be A Redneck Pony If... 
// by Dreadnought 
//------------------------------//

"So," Twilight began, "let's recap the last 24 hours.  It began with Rarity - "

***We interrupt Robot Pony to bring you this important public service announcement from the government:

Equestria is a vast, diverse world.  It has its cultured class, the aristocracy, that have access to higher education, money and soap.  Then it has a mob simply known as rednecks.  How can you tell if you or your neighbors fall into this class?  Well, you might be a redneck pony if...

You use breezies as fishing bait.

You use magical levitation to get beer from the fridge so you wouldn't have to leave the couch.

You accidently kill the Wonderbolts because you mistook them for a flock of birds you're shooting.

You cut down the Tree of Harmony for firewood.

Your cutie mark is a six-pack of beer.

You and your brother have the same name.

You're caught rolling around in the hay with your fist cousins.

You interrupt a friendship lesson to tell the Princess of Friendship to kiss your flank.

You get kicked out of the School of Friendship.

Your life has improved in one of Starlight-created alternate universes.

You use the mirror portal as a dumpster.

You invite the local dragon over simply to ignite the pilot light.

Your house is more of a mess than the pigsty.

Your cutie mark is a moonshine still.

Your foals have more hooves than they have teeth.

You can play the banjo while drunk.

You slaughter the entire population of Ponyville because you thought there really was a zombie apocalypse.

You try to trade your collection of beer bottle tops at the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange.

Your adult son looses the first-grade spelling bee.

You get into an argument with your brother over the best method of fishing:  electrocution or dynamiting.

You run over a bunny with your cart then take it home for dinner.

Your gift to Fluttershy is a taxidermied bunny rabbit.

You use the Foal Free Press as wallpaper.

You voted for the Cutie Mark Crusaders at the talent show.

You steal Apple family cider in order to turn it into hard cider.

You serve said hard cider to foals on Nightmare Night.

You never have to decorate your house for Nightmare Night because it always looks like a creepy, rundown cabin in the woods.

You give the Tantabus nightmares.

You think it's weird to like ponies.

Your ex-marefriend crashes your wedding.

You crash your ex-marefriend's wedding.

You volunteer to bring the liquor to a PTA meeting.

Your foal takes a bottle of moonshine for show-and-tell.

You divorce your wife and yet you're still in the same family.

You start campfires by burning ancient scrolls checked out of the library.

Your beer belly has a beer belly.

You think it's a good idea to hit on Princess Celestia in front of your wife.

You have ten foals to ten different fathers.

You think South Park is ripping off the story of your life.

You think a heating up a can of tomato soup is "fancy cooking."

You can't count higher than four without your brother's hooves.

You are deemed to risqué for the Jerry Springer Show.

Your lawnmower is up on blocks.

Your apple cart is up on blocks.

Your moonshine still is up on blocks.

Your opinion is that "that Tirek feller just ain’t right." 

You offer internships to your moonshining business.

Your wallet is made out of duct tape.

You shot up a plastic pink flamingo because you were too drunk to know it wasn't real.

Your apple cart has no original parts.

You’ve ever referred to the Canterlot ponies as "them damn Yankees." 

You proudly wear your coonskin cap to royal court.

You complain that folks are flying the Confederate flag upside down.

Your dog did better in obedience training than you.

You were ever arrested for "Fishing under the influence."

You think tabacco is an ornamental plant.

You walk through the Changeling Kingdom open-carrying a bottle of Raid.

You started dipping before you lost your baby teeth.

You ask Discord to make it rain beer.

You ask Discord to make it rain stallions.

Your snoring is louder than the church choir.

Your yard gets less cluttered after a hurricane passes through.

You tell Applejack that Orchard Blossom is hot.

You petition to have "Sweet Home Alabama" become the national anthem.

You stop adopting dogs because you can't count that high.

You think the EUP is a branch of the CIA.

You have twice as many, or half as many, chromosomes.

You've traveled to Canterlot High so that you could get a taxidermied human.

Your retirement plan is your gun collection.

You tell Rarity that her Grand Galloping Gala dress needs more flannel.

You wear galoshes under your Grand Galloping Gala dress.

You get into a drinking competition with your reflection.

You think beer pong should be an official Equestrian Games sport.

You ask Mayor Mare to sign your fishing license while she's signing your marriage license.

You've starting decorating the weeds in your yard like Hearth's Warming trees.

You meet Princess Celestia and you say "Damn you got a big flank."

You mistake the Green Party as a pro-marijuana group.

You've ever been banned from Waffle House.

You think Dumb & Dumber is a serious drama.

You have a calendar counting down until the start of hunting season.

You only watch NASCAR for the deadly crashes.

You received PBR as a wedding present

You and your dog pee on the same tree.

You think the four basic food groups are beer, tobacco , pizza and nachos.

You start drinking by pregaming, and you start pre-gaming with pre-pregaming .

You and your family all share the same bathwater.

You go fishing for seaponies.

Your pants have a rope instead of a belt.

You think firearms and alcohol go together.

Your moonshine still is worth more than your house.

You think the periodic table is a list of magazines for sale.

You awoke one morning with a hangover and a cutie mark.

You repurpose tires into living room furniture.

You can name the last seven NASCAR champions but you can't name the ruler of Equestria.

You try to create fine art while peeing in the snow.

You sign your name with an "X".

You watch nature documentaries because "the animal porn is done artfully."

You tell Pinkie Pie that you want her to throw you "the biggest, hootenanniest, shindig."

You try to deposit all your money in the local sperm bank.

You find all your pantry's food is expired, even the Twinkies.

Your foal has to give you the "Birds and the Bees" talk.

You teach your foal the fundamentals of chemistry by cooking meth.

Your very first word was "damnyankee."

You can't decide which is better:  yak meat or buffalo meat.

You make meth in the outhouse.

You've ever hunted from a balloon or airship.

You ask Princess Cadence to hook you up with your sister.

You adopt animals from the Ponyville Pet Center so your foals will have something for dinner.

You try to convert the locomotive from the Friendship Express into a makeshift still.

Your outhouse is cleaner than your actual house.

You don't use no double negatives in every single sentence you speak.

Your high school voted you "Most likely to end up in jail."

You go to the Ponyville landfill to get your Hearth's Warming gifts.

You get arrested for indecent exposure while trying to see how far you could pee from Canterlot.

You think indoor plumbing is "a passing fad."

Your indoor plumbing hasn't worked in three years.

Your presiding official at your wedding was the prison warden.

You complain about the terrible photo used for your arrest warrant.

You take down your grade school diploma to put up your prison record.

You've ever used the outhouse as a hunting blind.

You ask Princess Luna how old she is.

You ask Princess Celestia how fat she is.

You lost your baby teeth opening bottles of beer.

You were excited about math class until you realized you wouldn't be cooking up drugs.

You have your horn pierced.

You have your wings pierced.

You use your own feathers to stuff your pillow.

You tell Princess Cadence that Flurry Heart is "butt ugly."

You use deoderant as cologne.

You think a fine table setting includes plastic utensils, paper plates and shot glasses. 

You hang a bug zapper to "git them changelings."

You say you're hungry enough to eat a horse, then you set out to prove your point.

You ask the Cutie Mark Crusaders to help you reconnect with your cutie mark and it results in a drinking competition.

Your secret porn stash includes only "Trucks Illustrated."

Your first dance at your wedding was to "Baby Got Back."

You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.

You think cattle-rustling is a noble profession.

Your last gift to your ex-marefriend was a cockatrice.

You ask Pinkie Pie for more of those worm-infested muffins.

You've ever used the Flame of Friendship for barbequing.

You are known for using lit cigarettes instead of candles on birthday cakes.

You give your foal the book series "Hairy Pothead."

You think it's a good idea to give Pinkie Pie a can of Redbull.

You consider trash bags as "fancy luggage."

Your toothbrush sees more use cleaning your boots than your teeth.

You sold Trixie second-hoof fireworks.

You go to Yakyakistan and say, "Well look-see here hun, all them fellas are-a spekin' a-right funny."

You look forward to Fluttershy's bird choir because it'll make the hunting easier.

Y'all use "y'all" at the beginning and end of every sentence, y'all.

***Thank you for your attention.  If you spot any rednecks, do not approach.  Please contact the League of Aristocratic Ponies for a Better Equestria to have the offending ponies quarantined.  We now return to Robot Pony, already in progress....***

Pinkie Pie giggled, "Rainbow Dash, a taco doesn't go there!"


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