Hello everyone, Draxonos135 here. I mostly focus on Equestria Girls fanfics, and the one thing I like to do most is bring some kind of positive emotion to my readers.
Adagio Dazzle was walking home one stormy night when she came across a seemingly stray cat meowing for food.
Feeling like it wouldn't hurt to give the feline something to eat, Adagio thus decided to gift the cat some of her benevolence, in her own condescending way.
Too bad the cat didn't get the "condescending" vibe.
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This is really sweet
I wish Adagio didn't talk to herself in the first scene, as it kind of pulls you out of the story as something real people don't often do. But it's tricky when there's only one character in a scene, and you want there to be some dialogue
9681593
I probably should've made her say that in her head. XD
9681598 Maybe, yeah? Or perhaps you could introduce the cat earlier, so Adagio says those things to Opalescence instead? I really liked the line about the rain being because of Celestia's breakup, and I could see Adagio saying that to a cat in a conversational way.
9681608
I see, I'll have to think about that next time I write something like this.
Thanks for the feedback. :)
In reality, Opal knows exactly what the sirens are, and it is her plan to eat all three giant fish women!
I'm late to that party, but there's such a thing as voicing one's thoughts aloud. On one hand, Adagio very probably loves the sound of her own voice enough to do it; on the other hand, she's most likely smart enough to keep her thoughts private when someone could hear them, even if they're only mundane resignation about her glutton of a roommate on the way back from an equally mundane convenience store.
I found Adagio very in character, incidentally. Of course she'd help someone out of pity rather than out of kindness.
Yes, I got some 'because it amused me' and 'why not?' vibes from her as well, but again, very in character.
'Let no good deed go unpunished!' is a thing, though, and now she's got a cat to deal with. Yes, she was looking forward to seeing both Opalescence and Sweetie Belle again, but let's see how long that lasts once the latter tries cooking in their home.
"the sirens" felt a lot less intrusive than the constructs locked into my gun sights, and replacing them with "they" would be closer to fine-tuning than to fixing. I found "siren Adagio Dazzle" at the beginning a little odd, like writing 'unicorn Rarity walked out with an umbrella in her magic' would make me raise an eyebrow, but that's not a mistake to be fixed per se. There's such a thing as writing styles, after all.
I liked Adagio's absent-minded, flippant jab at Celestia about the weather, even if she got her actual job completely wrong from start to finish (not a surprise, since she possibly got banished before Celestia ever harnessed the sun). It's a good thing she didn't spend time in medieval France during her exile, else she'd have gone with 'ah, Celestia must be beating her sister again' instead.
There were a few mistakes with said tags; the commas at the end of "It's not like they know what I'm saying anyway," and "I have something call a survival instinct," should each be a period.
Other mistakes include "Adagio Dazzle walked out with an umbrella on one hand" when it should be 'in one hand' (unless she's balancing her umbrella on the back of her hand just to prove that she's better than all of you peons, which I honestly wouldn't put past her), "who turned out to be none other than a peculiar white cat" where "who" should be 'which' since the subject there is "the source of the sound" rather than the cat itself, and an erroneous space that made the final product "The girl took off her su it's hood" rather than 'her suit's hood.'
You also missed a word in ""You know, that's not something you should proudly after looking at an animal's bum for confirmation."" ('declare,' I assume, or something equally pompous considering the context and just who's talking), whereas the sentence ""I'm not sure, though, maybe you could let us" just stops without being completed.
Finally, I liked these lines;
(Incidentally, there could be some benefit to describing just what this "most threatening glare" looks like, but it works as it is for the purpose of this story.)
Me gusto tu historia fue agradable de leer aunque fue corto fue preciso y justo lo que necesitaba para contarse en esta historia. Bien hecho.
Mmm... Podría ser que a futuro veamos una secuela de opal con las dazzling
I liked your story it was nice to read, although it was short it was precise and just what I needed to be told in this story.
I congratulate you, well done.
Mmm ... It could be that in the future we see a sequel to the opal cat with the dazzling
9682833
Maybe
Simple but sweet. I loved it. Thanks for writing!