Hello everyone, Draxonos135 here. I mostly focus on Equestria Girls fanfics, and the one thing I like to do most is bring some kind of positive emotion to my readers.
This story is a sequel to Fluttering Wall
Wallflower Blush suddenly had a thought: Maybe if she cleaned up her looks, and just looked different in general, maybe people would remember her.
Good thing she came across the beauty salon a certain pearly white girl just so happened to be working at!
Has a reading done by Lonely Fanboy48.
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There's something hilarious in the image of Rarity pushing Wallflower into the beauty salon like one would push a crate.
I emphasized using names or pronouns in my previous comments. Ironically enough, since Wallflower never knew Rarity's name before Fluttershy told her the following day, it'd have been logical not to use her name at all during the whole meeting. Since they're both women, you might actually have had to rely on the constructs I advised against previously; I'm now curious if the scene would have worked just as well with Rarity only ever referred as "the girl..."
Because "the maniac who just won't take no for an answer" is a mouthful.
That is, if you were gunning for Wallflower's intimate point of view, which is what would make translating her lack of knowledge into the narration necessary.
Speaking of points of view, I was thrown off the sudden shift to Fluttershy's in "Fluttershy nodded, seeing this as another chance for her captain to make friends," precisely because everything before it was in Wallflower's.
I felt the characterization was good. Rarity, especially, was very in character as far as I'm concerned.
I do have issues with Fluttershy straight out saying that Rarity "represents generosity," however. It's already strange that she felt the need to mention that as literally the third thing she tells Wallflower about Rarity, but I find "represents" amounts to stating "she's the Element of Generosity" as opposed to showing why she embodies it in the first place.
(And that's ignoring that it's another Rarity, in another world, who's the actual Bearer of that Element.)
As far as the plot is concerned, I found it appropriately pared down; there was nothing unnecessary that distracted the narration or events as they unfolded.
I found a few typos;
it wasn't like a lot of stuff had happened.
"It" should be lowercase.
"Fascinated" should be lowercase.
I'm also wondering if the "darling" in the narration would work better with italics for emphasis.
9643948
Well, if "darling" had italics or emphasis, it makes it feel like Rarity's got some intent, sass, or other stuff behind using it, when it's just her way of calling someone she likes, I think.
Yeah, Fluttershy saying that kinda came out of nowhere, I should've thought about it more.
To use names, or not to use names, that question... never popped up while I wrote this, but I feel like it wouldn't have changed much. XD
Once again, thanks for the review, I appreciate your detailed honesty.
9643957
You are right about when Rarity speaks, but I was referring to the narration outside of the dialogue, these lines precisely:
Though rereading them, an emphasis would only be fitting for the last one. I just find "A chill from being called darling later" funnier. And spelling it "daaah-ling~" even more so, but at this point Rarity becomes a punchline rather than someone who genuinely wants to help Wallflower.
Why this even came to mind in the first place was that I was wondering if the "darling" in the narration should be put in quotation marks. I don't know that answer, incidentally.
You're welcome. And I'm glad that my criticism doesn't discourage you from writing more.
9643995
My main goal is to try write something at least someone can enjoy. If I succeed at that, I'm happy.
This...kinda goes against several core themes of the show; like how beauty should come from the inside, how to be generous, etc. In fact, the whole point of the Wallflower Blush special was that Sunset should've noticed Wallflower and made an effort to be friends with her. regardless of whether or not Wallflower seemed to have an active interest in approaching her. This story kinda seems to have the opposite message; that in order to attract attention and friends you should change how you look.
9651476
Everybody has their own interpretation
Not that there's anything wrong with that!
This is cute. ^^
10045777
Nope
Sometimes a new look goes a long way.
I love this story. I'm glad Wally is taking steps to improve herself, especially her look. I may not know how pigtails look on her, but I can imagine they're pretty fetching.
Plus, Wally's shyness as compared to Rarity's boldness just works, and is really adorable. I can easily imagine pony Fluttershy and Rarity meeting in a similar fashion.