Hello everyone, Draxonos135 here. I mostly focus on Equestria Girls fanfics, and the one thing I like to do most is bring some kind of positive emotion to my readers.
Wallflower Blush was never the most memorable person around: And after the things that happened thanks to her usage of the memory stone, most people were quite wary and distrusting of her, even after the Human Seven had forgiven her.
So, she once again found herself forgotten by everybody... Everybody, except for one particular girl...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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GAH! THE FEELS!
In all honesty though, this is a good story. Kudos!
And, I thought Sunset Shimmer was the only one who understands Wallflower Blush. Bravo, Draxonos.
I could hear Fluttershy's frustration hissing like a pressure cooker about to blow its valve to bits when she "lowered her eyelids."
It was glorious.
This story's premise was cute and Fluttershy and Wallflower were in character as far as I know. The execution was only lacking in the narration; I found the plot to flow naturally and its pace correct.
I suggest using pronouns or the character's actual names instead of things like "the yellow-skinned girl" or "the nature lover." There's only one time where a pronoun would lead to the confusion usually found when two people of the same gender interact, and it can be solved simply by writing "Then, she rubbed Wallflower's hair" instead of "Then, she rubbed the girl's vine-like hair."
I also suggest foreshadowing the development at the end of the story. Something as simple as Wallflower expecting Celestia to have forgotten the Gardening Club even exists could work. It's not actually necessary, but would add some humorous irony if that interests you.
It might be a good idea to choose either "Wallflower" or "Blush" and stick to it throughout the narration rather than switch randomly between the two as well.
I found three typos;
Which was also why she refused to buy that being Fluttershy's real objective.
I need another club member more than I need a friend!
This is clearly the application form for the Gardening Club.
As well as two parts I feel could be improved by removing repetition;
Fluttershy frowned, but remained silent as the girl continued:
"Which is why I'm hesitant about trusting you'll remember me: You seem like someone who wants to help everybody however you can, and who'd be upset if she can't do that."
Fluttershy's frown deepened. "Wallflower..."
What shocked her even more was what she showed her next.
"Here you go, the application form, fully filled out, and now all that's left is for you to accept it."
From the lines following the sentence, I also feel ""So, how did you do it?"" works better as ""So, why did you do it?""
And I don't know what's supposed to go on with the interrupted line ""Oh, the president's not here, I'll"
Like I said at the beginning, most of this story's flaws come from the narration—flaws you have largely solved in your following story, incidentally.
This was a cute story! I really enjoyed it. I love how you wrote it.
Aww. This was so cute.
Very cute story.
This sentence is kind of just hanging around unfinished though.
You might want to fix it.