Donkey Show

The Cloptimist #1 · May 1st, 2019 · 4 · · Resolution ·

I really enjoyed this, but it was far too short - you should totally write more, it feels like we've barely scratched the surface with these two and I'd like to know a lot more about them!

Gentlehoof

Gentlehoof #2 · May 1st, 2019 · · · Resolution ·

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I took a gander at your story and found the name you chose for Jennet interesting. Its the same name I gave my donkey character in my current story. Funny coincidence.

Badmiral Biscuit

Badmiral Biscuit #3 · May 2nd, 2019 · · · Resolution ·

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9597863
As I'm sure you know, jennet is a name for a female donkey (jenny is the more common one, though).
"Moke" is an archaic term for a donkey, too.

Badmiral Biscuit

Badmiral Biscuit #4 · May 2nd, 2019 · 1 · · Resolution ·

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9597392

I really enjoyed this, but it was far too short - you should totally write more, it feels like we've barely scratched the surface with these two and I'd like to know a lot more about them!

Thank you!

As I often do when writing, I found myself becoming more interested in the characters. I'm not gonna promise for sure that we'll see more of them--if you looked through my story list, the last story I published on this account was in 2017--but I might.

xRei

xRei #5 · May 3rd, 2019 · 1 · · Resolution ·

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Contest judge chiming in.

It's a shame, but this was submitted after the deadline and I suspect will be DQ'd due to that, but I'll throw in my 2c anyway.
Makes me sad, because OC's are a rare breed. I think you took a chance going with OC's for sure, but for the most part it paid off. If there was one major thing working against you here it was time and pacing. Especially when you have to introduce two OC's. Unlike canon characters, we don't know a lick about either of these OC's, and so you can't rely on reader knowledge as a crutch.

So where did that matter here?
Mostly in description. I'm not usually given to long, wordy descriptions of persons, places and things, but I would have appreciated a bit more here. It doesn't have to be a big infodump of course. I wouldn't expect you to throw the brakes on your narrative to give me every little physical detail of the characters. Rather, my preferred method is to include subtle nods to their features naturally throughout the rest of the prose. For instance:

“It’d give us a chance to practice before we hit some of the bigger towns.” She slowed, her lustrous brown eyes set on the distant horizon. “We’ve got plenty of potions.”

Stuff like that.

The second thing was characterization. It felt like toward the end of the fic you had a better feel for their personalities, but if I'm honest there were times—especially during long strings of dialogue—when I started to lose track of who was talking. You may have needed a few more dialogue attributions than you used(but not too many mind you), or maybe they both spoke similarly enough that I got a little lost.

Not that I'm suggesting one of them should talk with a thick, southern accent or anything exaggerated like that, but at least some more noticeable differences in speech.

Anyway, those points aside, I actually liked the story. The premise. The pacing was a bit too fast, but I really liked the idea overall, and your writing is solid.

But I feel like the incest theme wasn't leveraged as much as it could have been. For one, the relationship is already established from the start. That's not a bad thing necessarily, but It was compounded by the sense
that the story lacked any sort of meaningful conflict. Without a conflict, there wasn't anything to really push their taboo into focus and challenge it.

IMO, more sparks of conflict between them and the way they conduct their show may have made for a more compelling story.

But again, that would all have required more time and a larger word count.

Never the less, it was a fun story and I enjoyed it. At the very least, you have my upvote.

Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles #6 · May 4th, 2019 · 2 · · Resolution ·

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i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/034/999/1de.gif

Badmiral Biscuit

Badmiral Biscuit #7 · May 6th, 2019 · · · Resolution ·

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9601825

It's a shame, but this was submitted after the deadline and I suspect will be DQ'd due to that, but I'll throw in my 2c anyway.

This one at least did beat the deadline (12pm EST; it was up at about 8pm EST, give or take). Sisters, I'm less sure about; it went live before the deadline but wasn't in the group folder. Either way, I guess that's up to the judges to decide.

Makes me sad, because OC's are a rare breed. I think you took a chance going with OC's for sure, but for the most part it paid off.

That's the thing with OCs, I think, they tend to either really be a hit or else they aren't, which I think largely comes down to the skill of the author.

If there was one major thing working against you here it was time and pacing. Especially when you have to introduce two OC's. Unlike canon characters, we don't know a lick about either of these OC's, and so you can't rely on reader knowledge as a crutch.

Of course, foreknowledge is a two-edged sword, and given the way that canon can/does change, it might affect how somebody reads the story in the future, whereas with OC protagonists, Hasbro can't change them in the future.

So where did that matter here?
Mostly in description. I'm not usually given to long, wordy descriptions of persons, places and things, but I would have appreciated a bit more here. It doesn't have to be a big infodump of course. I wouldn't expect you to throw the brakes on your narrative to give me every little physical detail of the characters. Rather, my preferred method is to include subtle nods to their features naturally throughout the rest of the prose. For instance:
“It’d give us a chance to practice before we hit some of the bigger towns.” She slowed, her lustrous brown eyes set on the distant horizon. “We’ve got plenty of potions.”
Stuff like that.

You do make a good point. I've honestly never been all that great at describing characters (and it's easy to avoid having to do that with canon characters), which is a handicap. I think we could argue back and forth about how much description is needed/wanted, and I think that that's going to vary by reader anyway, but even going by the most minimalistic standards, I could have done better in that regard. No question.

The second thing was characterization. It felt like toward the end of the fic you had a better feel for their personalities, but if I'm honest there were times—especially during long strings of dialogue—when I started to lose track of who was talking. You may have needed a few more dialogue attributions than you used(but not too many mind you), or maybe they both spoke similarly enough that I got a little lost.
Not that I'm suggesting one of them should talk with a thick, southern accent or anything exaggerated like that, but at least some more noticeable differences in speech.

In regards to the first point, I often figure out characters by writing them, rather than planning them in advance, but heavy revisions in the beginning are the price to pay for doing that, and I didn't do enough.

Also, it's funny you mention the dialogue, since I'm about to give a panel on writing good dialogue at a con. I tend to try and be as sparse as I can on dialogue attributions as I can, so I'll usually leave them off if I think I can get away with it, even though it does risk readers getting lost. For what it's worth, I've lost track in professionally published works with very strong characters (Robert B. Parker, Spenser and Hawk).

Anyway, those points aside, I actually liked the story. The premise. The pacing was a bit too fast, but I really liked the idea overall, and your writing is solid.

But I feel like the incest theme wasn't leveraged as much as it could have been. For one, the relationship is already established from the start. That's not a bad thing necessarily, but It was compounded by the sense that the story lacked any sort of meaningful conflict. Without a conflict, there wasn't anything to really push their taboo into focus and challenge it.
IMO, more sparks of conflict between them and the way they conduct their show may have made for a more compelling story.

I think you're right on both counts. It would have been a challenge to fit that into 3k, and I'm not sure I could have done it without obviously beating the reader over the head with the lesson they're supposed to learn and I don't want to do that. If I do expand the story in the future or revisit it in a longer form, that would be a very good plot point.

Never the less, it was a fun story and I enjoyed it. At the very least, you have my upvote.

Badmiral Biscuit

Badmiral Biscuit #8 · May 6th, 2019 · · · Resolution ·

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9604058
Thanks!

xRei

xRei #9 · May 6th, 2019 · · 1 · Resolution ·

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9606363
I talked with Shake and you're probably fine with the deadline. I was a little mistaken about the exact cutoff time as it relates to international time zones and the like.

The dialogue thing I dunno. It's just like in some books I never question whose speaking. You could drop one of the lines of dialogue into an empty void and I could tell you which character spoke it even without context.

BUT, I realized that's because most such stories take place in much larger works and I've had a lot of time to contextualize each character such that I can infer who spoke that line of dialogue purely based on what is being said. Even something as simple as "I'm awesome.", but that's because I've known the character Rainbow Dash for years.

And so it's probably not fair to say your dialogue lacked anything necessarily. Unless another 20-60k words of story could be said to be a deficiency for a story meant to be 3-4k words, which is silly.

I'm sure there are still things you could have done to improve in this area, but it wouldn't be right to say you were deficient either. In fact, the dialogue was good and naturalistic overall.

Good luck on your panel.

An everfree rat