The_Clopper
Joined 1st Apr, 2019 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- DeltaXeno1138 · 17k words · 94 8 · 2.4k views
- Some Leech · 26k words · 165 21 · 5k views
- LewdChapter · 4.9k words · 143 5 · 4.1k views
- Some Leech · 26k words · 359 24 · 13k views
- Bad_Seed_72 · 141k words · 328 6 · 4.8k views
- Tanuki Dragoness · 4.4k words · 120 15 · 4k views
- Jackelope · 9.6k words · 485 26 · 13k views
- Some Leech · 6.4k words · 267 24 · 13k views
Featured In11
Clopfics11,551 stories ·15,817 members
Applejack2,129 stories ·1,771 members
Polyamory1,249 stories ·1,762 members
Incest is Wincest4,021 stories ·5,201 members
Lactation390 stories ·532 members
Spankfics516 stories ·336 members
Applejack is NOT a Background Pony!150 stories ·160 members
First Sexual Experience1,004 stories ·1,173 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.28 seconds
Total duration
713 users online
930,119 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Honestly, there is much to be said. But I really think this fic could just be taken as the sum of all the authour’s fetishes, rolled up into one.
Gotta say that at the end, I was more studying it than fapping to it, which was nonetheless really enjoyable.
So honestly, I’d be more than happy to see a sequel of this. Do make it, you’ll have my support. ^^
(If there’s one bit of criticism that would be relevant though, it would be the massive amount of “SPANK” written, just to mark how much there were; problem is, it’s overwhelming, and forces the reader into an easily avoidable scrolling-down.
Also, it’s said Winona is impregnated; therefore, 1) I’m surprised she’s not mentioned afterwards, as part of the girls who were confirmed pregnant in the end, and 2) I’m actually disappointed she’s not given the opportunity to marry Big Mac; she might be a dog, but the guy still needs to take responsibility, and seemingly loves her as much as the others, so it is weird, to me, that he wouldn’t give her that, even if she doesn’t really understand the implications behind it.)
(Update: OBVIOUSLY, the elephant in the room, namely the grammar, is absolutely questionable. But to me, taking into account the fact that the whole thing is, as said earlier, straight out of the mind of the authour, fully unfiltered, it makes a whole lot of sense in itself, and the writing does thus go, hand-in-hand, with the writer. I’d describe it as an “accidental crackfic”.)
This is just boring. Sorry darling, show, don't tell is the rule here.
9574595
Show what, exactly? This isn't animation.
9574494
I was originally going to have the pregnancy announcement in the sequel. Putting it here was just a rushed, last-minute addition
9575868
No, it's not animation, but it's not engaging at all, either.
show don't tell is a technique used in various kinds of texts to allow the reader to experience the story through action, words, thoughts, senses, and feelings rather than through the author's exposition, summarization, and description.
To quote wiki. Basically, darling, if you want to be a writer who holds someponys attention, you need to put effort into writing descriptions.
Example:
Boring. Extremely boring. Describe how delicious the breakfast was. Some paragraphs back you wrote she made some bacon and hash browns. Were the hash browns burnt? Were they crisped to perfection? Was brown sugar added?
Also, Bacon? Really? Do you know what ponies eat? Do you know of ponies to be eating bacon? Have you ever seen that in the show? Even as an 'anthro' this brings up some concerns about your world building. Where does the bacon come form? Sentient pigs? Are your characters cannibals? Do you know of any horses, anywhere, eating meat?Fixed you rude little ingrate.They set the plate aside and kissed each other. Great. Grand. Glorious. EXPLAIN the kiss. Were Applejack's lips full and luscious? Was Applebloom nervous or concerned kissing her big sister? Is this their first time? Applebloom seems to be taking this extremely well for being woken up and thrust into incest. Is she excited? Is she disgusted? Is she curious? Surprised? Angry?
They made out for 30 minutes. You made a passage of time one sentence and couldn't be bothered to explain how they made out? Boring. Is Apple Bloom exploring Applejack's body? Is Applejack exploring Applebloom for the first time? Is Applebloom getting aroused? Is Applejack? You have wasted such an opportunity here for making your characters deep and engaging and instead toss us frivolous throw away sentences. Extremely dull.
Then Applejack masturbates. Darling, should you want to write clop stories, you must not ignore the clop itself. Describe it. Describe how she's touching herself. Does she use a specific technique? Does she rub her clit? Squeeze her mound? Which fingers does she use? Does she orgasm? How does it feel with Applebloom sucking on her chest. Boring. Boring. Boring.
Further more, why are you suddenly adding tildes after your dialogue? Where is the consistency? Suddenly ~? After every sentence? Do you even know what that symbol is used for? Tis not something you want to just randomly throw into your story. It's very distracting and has no place here.
And then the spanking. Good lord, the spanking. This doesn't even make sense within the realm of the story itself. "Making out with your sister, thats a spanking?" Thats what you came up with for the sudden scene transition? And then the best you could do was using Smack Smack Smack to describe it? Yes. A spanking. Good, grand, but instead of describing this, you simply over used the word smack. How about Whack? How about Crack? Whap? Clap? Slap? A thesaurus is your friend here, darling. In addition, describe this, please. Does her butt jiggle? Does it wobble? Is it bouncy and chubby, or firm and muscular? Do the claps echo off the walls of the room? Why does Applebloom like it? Is she used to this? Is it a secret kink? Has she done this before? yes, yes 30 minutes went by. Ugh. Do you know what a thirty minute spanking is actually like? Then she had an orgasm. Yes. Yes. Tis all well and good. No, of course you don't describe it. Have you read other clop fiction here, darling? I suspect you might benefit from glancing over some of the more popular stories written within the genre. Good lord, dear, you've SO many opportunities here. Tis horrifically boring, and I found myself falling asleep before I could read anymore. But do take my advice under consideration. If not, well...t'was a good try, I suppose.
Unless, of course, you were going for a crack fic, and or troll fic. If that's the case well done. Very funny.
9576081
"Do you know what ponies eat?" This is Equestria Girls, dipshit.
9577142
Hahaha, wow.
How monumentally rude. I seem to be dealing with a child. Very well.
I'm dreadfully sorry for trying to help you. I really, am with that kind of attitude, but don't worry.
It won't happen again.
Best of luck, dear. You'll certainly need it.
9577148
It's not that you tried to help that's the problem, it's you not knowing we're dealing with humans.
9577158
I made a mistake. Good thing you've never done such, otherwise you'd be well aware of how hurtful your words are.
And this? Do you think this gives you the right to call me a dipshit? Show some class and maturity, should you be capable of such!
You have an absolutely dreadful attitude and you are certainly not worth my time. I am sorry I ever made the attempt to allow you to benefit from my experience or try to help you improve.
Regardless, pony or human, my advice still applies to you and your stories.
more Big Mac x Winona.
9577204
Coming up in the sequel, which is already underway!
9577165
"Have some class"? You're talking to someone who writes pony porn!
9577552
I'm pretty sure what they meant was "quit being an obtuse, argumentative dickbag."
They went through all that trouble pointing out not only where your story was flawed, but how to improve it, and you ignored all of it for the sake of quibbling about what they eat.
That wasn't even important to their point. They were criticizing your shitty, un-evocative writing; sure, they overlooked the EQG tag, but given that you made literally NO effort to established the setting whatsoever, there is absolutely no way of knowing that besides reading the tag.
You shouldn't have to read the tags to figure out which universe it takes place in.
9576081
I actually think the transition is fine. They way it is said and the way AB reacts to it makes it clear it's something they do often. What the problem is, is that the spanking apparently goes on for 2 hours yet AB doesn't show any signs of discomfort and nopony even brings it up. Applebloom is yellow which is a strong contrast to red. If her flank was completely sore then it would be incredibly obvious.
I also think that with a side-character like Applejack you can get away with just stating they are clopping.
9577552
"Should you be capable of such"
Well, I suppose I have my answer, don't I? Yes. I happen to write pony porn as well however, it does not give me, nor you, a licence to be hostile and rude to someone else. I'm sorry darling, it appears you are unfamiliar with the concept of 'socializing' I do hope you get better in the future so that you maybe might learn some of the values the show this site revolves around is trying to teach.
Good luck.
9577799
Absolutely nothing in this story is clear. Nothing is explained and nothing is written to equate the reader with a sense of familiar occurrences. No where is it pointed out "Like last time" or "Like before" or "I remember when this" and no where does Applebloom herself state that this has happened to her previously, and given they claim this is Applebloom's 18th birthday, and all of this is a surprise present.
If it was happening before this, why go through the trouble of stating it's Applebloom's 18th birthday surprise. Wouldn't be much of a surprise if it's been going on before this, and , if not, why not make some effort to explain it's happened before?
But tis a small quibble of my over all point.
9578013
No, the idea is that this is the 1st time she had sex. There had been a romantic relationship between Apple Bloom and her relatives before this point, but no sex.
9577704
No, I was baffled as to where she pulled ponies from.
9579407
rs1126.pbsrc.com/albums/l609/Reginart-Renart/mlfw2056-this_face_zps758aa347.gif~c200
It is a show about ponies, and you did not have the perspicacity to establish a setting, so it stands to reason, the story would be about the ponies in question. Yes. You added a single tag. Good job. I, the reader, missed that tag and could not tell you were talking about EQG. This is a failure on your part as the author of the story, not the reader. Because you lack description.
9578013
I did think most of it was pretty clear. Of course as you said in a very tell don't show sort of way.
9580024
Fine, you thought it was clear. I did not. We shall need to agree to disagree.
9579398
And was that ever established?! You need to spend time building a scene; you can't just assume we all know the backstory if you don't bother including it.
9580851
Sorry, I assumed the description would give you that context.
9581077
The description isn't part of the story. You need to explain it IN THE STORY.
I'm one of the judges for the contest. Just wanted to leave some notes...
I have only two assumptions I can reasonably make. 1. This isn't a serious entry, 2. You're very very new to writing.
The biggest issues I can point out that need work on are: sentence structure and general grammar. There's some repetition in how sentences are written out and it makes it more difficult to read through. That is, the flow suffers. Some variation in sentence structure would go a long way. I would really focus on improvement there. That, and doing editing passes.
The spank thing speaks for itself I think. I don't know why it was there.
9592796
1. What would qualify as a "serious entry" (I'm actually curious)?
2. Yes, yes I am.
Also, thanks for the advice.
9593001
I'd consider an entry serious if it's clear that the author is doing their best work for the contest. Even if they don't think they can win, they still put forth their best effort. Obviously I can't know whether this was your best effort or a serious entry. I can only make assumptions. Either way I took the time to leave some quick thoughts in case this was your best effort.
The most important tool to being a better writer is having the interest in being a better writer. Everything else just comes with time or practice.
I'd stand by my recommendations, though. Sentence structure, variation. A lot of the sentences in this story were in a fairly simple 'subject, verb, object' format. Subordinate clauses, prepositional clauses, etc, there are many ways to add some variety to sentence structure.
"Applejack ran to the store in a hurry. She stumbled past several ponies as she went."
"In a hurry, Applejack ran to the store, stumbling past ponies as she went."
I genuinely can't work out if this is meant to be a joke.
If it's intentional, that Trigger Warning is the best one I've ever seen, and the use of SMACK!
about a hundred429 times (I counted) in a row to pad out the word count is genius.If it's not, well, this is one of the most fascinatingly bizarre stream-of-consciousness things I've ever seen on this site.
I'd give it... Gloves out of ten.
9603330
The story itself isn't meant to be a joke, but the Trigger Warning is.