I mean... If you wanted to make it look like Luna was a sex starved lunatic, it works, but honestly this feels like a bit of an abrupt turn from clopfic to action fic.

~Skeeter The Lurker

9454043
I felt like writing some action. Luna isn't a sex-deprived maniac, there's a reason for what she's doing.

... What... What the fuck just happened!?

Wut?

Luna, "consort" and "consent" start the same here when it comes to doing your night hag impression...

9454100 Well it looks like a the start of a competition between Celestia and Luna for First Prize

So yeah, this chapter sucks.

Instantly we know this is a dream. This leads into Luna having to explain herself for actually dream raping the protagonist. She is sucking his dick without any consent. Maybe if they'd fucked a few times and Luna surprised him with a neat dick sucking, that'd be very understandable and normal. There was no lead up or consent given by First Prize, she is blowing him, that is non-consensual and the fic would need a non-con tag. I don't see anything in the last few chapters that would indicate that would be a good th- oh wait. This is that shadow pony outside that isn't actually Luna right? This was Chrysalis or something? Because if it wasn't, the next chapter is going to be pretty weak as well.

What possibly could Luna say that would make this all work out?

"Oh I was testing thee". On what? He isn't a combat unit so this can't be about strength. His dedication to Celestia? That is pretty fucking dumb because why would she piss her sister off by fucking her consort behind her back?

"Oh Luna doesn't know about consent. In ancient time you could just take anyone else's consort as a Princess and just start fuckign them without asking. She wouldn't know the laws." Yes she fucking would know the laws. I don't know why authors go down the "she doesn't know better she's from ancient times" when one of the FIRST thing she would be educated on would be the current laws in place and castle positions and their roles. Consent would be pretty fucking high, as well as knowing that you don't dream rape people. Shouldn't really need to be taught.

We don't have any information previous to this on why she would be acting this way, zero foreshadowing. Oh maybe if we got a lot about how Luna is very reclusive and how Celestia is fearing how Luna might be regressing, or how Luna may be going through her first estrus while back on Earth after a thousand years dry spell.

Nope, nothing.

Oh boy, can't wait to see what this is going to lead up to. Notice how everyone is saying "What the fuck just happened?". This isn't praise on a well-executed twist. We came for an awkward stallion coming to terms with his position, not for sudden action. There is really no need for all of this drama when he could easily be way too intimidated by Luna and have some slice-of-life drama.

Only reason I'm here past this chapter is that I love all the characters so far except for this... mess.

9454092
is the reason a 1000 years of not getting any and a need to compete with her sister?

9454222
Yeah, I understand if people don't like it. Doesn't make it bad writing or anything. In real life I wouldn't condone Princess Luna's actions but hey, this is a story and all.

9454222
It doesnt matter if you like it it matters if the person who wrote it likes it

9455056
Hm on this point I have to disagree. IF you publish you submit to the judgment of the public. If it is ONLY for your enjoyment then keep it private.

9455309
9455056
Eh, little of column a, little of column b. I would like people to enjoy the story, I just don't care if they don't. Nothing I write is going to be for everyone. I'm not getting paid for this, I don't care about FimFic popularity, and I'm certainly not getting something from each and every one of my readers. Why shouldn't I write whatever the hell I want?

This chapter takes the story from something interesting that I was looking forward to and makes it into a borderline crack fic. First's reaction to waking up being blown by some strange mare (even if it is Princess Luna) is totally understandable and all, but why the heck was she doing it in the first place? Does she really think she can just take whoever she wants without consequence? This seems like a Luna I might believe existed prior to her 1000 year banishment, but given the spell that selected First was done by Twilight Sparkle, that obviously isn't the case. I find it quite hard to believe that Luna would do something like this and risk yet another banishment. So is this not Luna? Is she under some spell? Or something else? I'm lost.

I'm wondering if you're trying to point to his cutie mark/talent being some sort of intangible attractiveness to mares or that his presence makes them horny as hell and that's why she kept Rock once First escaped, but... I don't know. I feel like this is a terrible way to do it. It doesn't fit with the rest of the story at all. It feels like this chapter should be a completely different fic.

Unlike some others, my complaints here stem from actual writing issues. Sure, what Luna did was non-consensual. I don't necessarily have an issue with non-con in a story in and of itself, but in this situation, with how it is executed and written, it feels wholly out of place. Especially since nothing is really resolved. First escapes and then... nothing. It's a cliffhanger, sure, but it's a bad one. This isn't how you get people excited to read the next chapter. This is how you irritate them into throwing your story into the dumpster and forgetting about it by ending in the middle of a critical sequence.

We get no explanation of what happened, no idea of what's going on, and absolutely no clue as to what is /going/ to happen. This isn't a chapter, it's a single scene. A single scene with no setup, no lead-up, no build up, and an abrupt end that offers zero in the way of satisfying resolution. For all we know, the scene didn't actually end. First could still be in danger from whatever caused this to happen if it isn't Luna. It could be an actual dream he's really dreaming and Luna has nothing to do with it. Who knows? That's the problem.

Write what you want, but don't murder a story for your readers to do it. You want to write action? Great, go write an action fic. Come back to this when you feel like writing it again or something. Or make the action fit in the context of the story. You shouldn't shoehorn in a specific sequence just because you felt like writing it. Not if you want it to be considered decent quality writing and have people continue to read it, anyway, which I assume is something you want since you made this public.

9455685
You said everything I could think of. Everything leading up to this chapter seemed to suggest this is taking place years after the events of the show, disregarding the last season somewhat. Which would mean that Luna should not be acting like this. The author might as well ignore all the character development we've seen. Because it feels like he has. And that just can't work with a fanfic. If you ignore canon for the sake of your own tastes, you're gonna piss people off. Very few people read fanfics to see the characters they know acting out of character, or being rewritten into someone else.

The last two parts need to be either scrapped or rewritten. It just doesn't work as is. If the author hasn't touched it by now though, I'm not sure he'll continue it. Seems more likely that it's abandoned. A shame. I kinda wanted to see where he might go with this. But I won't hold my breath waiting for updates.

well, doesn't really matter anymore, this fic died