• Published 26th Nov 2018
  • 817 Views, 21 Comments

Horse Drama - Siracha Hair



A group of friends discuss dimensional drama differences

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3
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Chapter Three

The castle was quiet at the darkest hour of the night. Not a single pony was stirring, not one bit. Suddenly, the castle window shattered as a lone figure smashed their way through it. They stood for a second, before opening their glowing green eyes.

“It is me! The legendary Changeling Ryan!” The Changeling exclaimed, striking a triumphant pose.

The Changeling made its way through the castle halls, sneaking around castle guard and servants alike. Eventually it arrived at a giant door, at least four times the size of a regular door, covered in golden regal designs.

Ryan grinned, and a sickly green glow enveloped its horn as it charged a spell. A second later, the door blew off their hinges and flew through the room, sticking into the walls in the other side. Ryan trotted into the room.

On the throne sat Princess Celestia herself. The white alicorn sipped from a cup of tea as she watched the Changeling approach her. “I, Princess Celestia, Current Ruler of Equestria, sit before you. What bring you to my castle?”

“I, Ryan of the Changeling Tribe, seek to ask Princess Celestia, Current Ruler of Equestria, out for a royal coffee!”

“I see… And how does Ryan of the Changelings wish to tempt me on this royal outing?”

“Darling… Sunset… What is this?”

Rarity's voice snapped Sunset out of the play, and back to reality. Rarity was looking at her with a raised eyebrow, and Rainbow was trying her best not to laugh too loudly.

“What…?” Sunset stopped reenacting the play and looked to Rarity, confused.

“When you said this was a drama…” Rarity began, pausing as she tried to find the right words

“... We didn't know you meant stupid!”

Rarity jabbed her fingers into Rainbow's side, and the athlete crumpled to the floor. Sunset frowned at the girls she stood up. “What… Do you mean? It's a drama, just like The Lunch Gathering”

“It's called The Breakfast Club.” Rarity corrected, massaging her fingers.

“Right, but this is basically the same thing… It's all about racism towards Changelings, like let me jump ahead here…” Sunset began flipping through the pages of the script. Once she found it, she began reading again.

“You there! Changeling! How dare you try to steal our Princess Celestia, Current Ruler of Equestria. I will have your head!” A guardspony called out, pointing his spear at Ryan.

“Stay your hand, guardspony! I am but taking your lovely Princess Celestia, Current Ruler of Equestria out for a royal coffee! There is no need to panic!”

“You lie, Curr! We guardsponies will not fall for that trick a third time! If you wish to steal our lovely Princess from us, well then you'll have to go through me!” The guardspony stood fast, challenging Ryan to try to move him.

Ryan led the princess around the guard casually, as if it were nothing. The guard watched this happen, and once they had passed him, fell to the ground.

“Curses! You could you have gotten through me? Though I failed to fo—”

Sunset glared at Rainbow, who was laughing as hard as she could. Rarity was trying her best to hide her smile, but every now and then a giggle or two would leak out.

“Fine! I won't read anymore!” Sunset crossed her arms and pouted. Rarity frowned and approached her.

“Sunset, darling… We're enjoying it, it's just…” Rarity paused for a second, making small circles with her hand as she tried to find the words. “... Your drama is similar to comedy.”

“It is…?”

“Yeah but like, that's not a bad thing!” Rainbow said, having finally calmed down enough to speak.

Sunset sighed. “Yeah… I guess…” She brought the play's script close to her chest. “Can I keep reading it though…?”

“Hell yeah! This is way too funny!”

Sunset gave Rainbow a look for a second before she took a couple breaths. She smiled, and went back to reading, this time with Rarity and Rainbow being good and (relatively) quiet listeners.

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Comments ( 17 )

Alright, this was good. Each character felt like the character, rather than just a robot wearing the characters skin, which is a common symptom of 'firstficitus', and I did enjoy it, so good job.

And now it's time for me to tear into it.

This didn't need to be more than one chapter, one scene a chapter isn't inherently bad but the chapters and the story itself are so short that it comes across as padding.

It also feels like this fic doesn't end, it just 'stops'. This is a nebulous problem with an equally nebulous solution, as it has a lot to do with reader expectation, but it seems like you came to the first natural ending point, and decided to stop, which felt a little unsatisfying. It is a natural end point however.

These two problems compound on each other, and the second problem can be mostly alleviated by resolving the first, as it makes the pacing feel significantly smoother.

A short but amusing and fun read~
Poor Sunny, her friends don't understand Equestrian tastes in entertainment, but at least they still find it entertaining. I find myself wondering what she thought of "The Breakfast Club", since she didn't really expound on her impression of it.
Sorry I don't really have any constructive criticism, but I wanted to comment anyhow to express my appreciation. Congrats on your first fic!

9314601
Thank you for your feedback. I didn't know how I wanted to bridge each scene, partically because I've never written a fic before, so I should probably work on that.

As for the ending, I didn't know how else to really end it without feeling like it was dragging on. It came down to I couldn't think of anything else meaningful to add, so I felt like I should cut it there.

But again, thank you a lot for reading it, and thank you even more for giving me feedback.

Seems more like Equestrian drama is Shakespearean, he did comedy too you know. And Breakfast Club isn't a straight drama, it's dramatic comedy. So the comparison isn't quite so stark. Sunset likely saw the play with Celestia, and most likely it was written specifically to entertain Celestia, I think she'd like dramatic comedy.

This was rather amusing, had me laughing quite a bit :rainbowlaugh: That Equestrian drama at the end in particular. That was great :raritywink: Some of the dialogue could do with clarification of who’s speaking, but all in all great job :yay:

Congrats on finishing your first fic and getting it up!

Okay, that was a sensible chuckle.

ANW

I could tell this was a first fic.
Beside that, it was okay.
3 stars.

“You lie, Curr! We guardsponies will not fall for that trick a third time! If you wish to steal our lovely Princess from us, well then you'll have to go through me!” The guardspony stood fast, challenging Ryan to try to move him.

Curr shouldn’t be capitalized. Otherwise, this was short and sweet.

9315523
I was worried that if I went held any longer, the joke would drag on.

Short, but sweet! Thanks for sharing :moustache:

Is... That it? It felt like it was going somewhere, but it didn't really go anywhere...

9316317
I might have ended it a little early, but I felt like that was the best place to end it. Any longer and I felt like the joke would drag on, and before that the joke felt unfulfilled. I'm sorry though, I'll try to make my later fics have a better ending.

Thank you for the feedback though!

9316356
I feel like the missed opportunity here was that I was expecting you to get into the differences between a human culture and a pony culture, and there were a few other ways you could have got into it. I don't think you even mention the fact that Sunset is from a race of talking horses...

Hey there, Siracha! This was a pretty good first try at a fic, as others said. I enjoyed the premise of it, and it has great potential. You have a good understanding of how these characters would bounce off of each other and react, so they came off as they should.

I don't want to go too overboard on the critique side, as this is only your first fic, but I wanted to speak to the main problems in this:

Your dialogue is on the right track but needs fleshing out. Specifically, expanding it out into light banter that you would see between friends. You had the right idea in your first scene, where Dash was telling the other two about a story she heard. That would just have to be expanded. So, instead of jarringly having someone notice the weather outside, they could have a conversation about the weather. Sunset mentions that it's been snowing a lot recently, for example, and then Rarity tells her that it snows in mid-October on some years. Maybe Dash jumps in to tease Sunset about studying their world a little better or makes a quip about talking about the weather being cliche.

Also, you need to stay consistent with your plot. There was a plot hole between two chapters, to which one was explaining why it was too dangerous to head out into the cold in one, but in the other, they drop everything to head to Sunset's. It takes away any minor conflict that was held in the story and could lead to an interesting possibility where they realize that leaving Rarity's house was a mistake when they get stuck in a snowbank or something. Not a big fix, but something to look out for.

9321509
Hey, thanks for commenting. I'm always looking to improve, so getting pointers from more experienced authors is always helpful!

I tried my best to make the dialogue as natural sounding as possible, but to do that I kinda used myself as the example. So while I have done that in conversations before, it probably is a little jarring to read.

As for the plothole, I don't... Really have anything to say to that. The most I could say would be like "Oh they're impulsive teenagers" but that feels more of an excuse then a reason.

But no, again, thank you for reading and then giving me your advice. It will (hopefully) go into good use for anything else I write. C:

this story feels unfinished

AFTER ALMOST A YEAR I FINALLY GET THIS STORY! You were parodying the bizarre and repeating sentence structure of "Gilgamesh" and that my friend is hilarious (sorry it took me song, I am just now reading it for English class and I was just like, "This seems familiar... WAIT!")

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