• Member Since 25th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Siracha Hair


I usually have no idea what's going on... It makes life much more interesting.

E

During an impromptu sleepover, Sunset Shimmer finds out that human drama shows are much different to what she's used too. Rarity and Rainbow Dash are there to help her figure out exactly what's different.

It goes about as well as you expect it.

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Thank you Krickis for forcing me to write this. Here you go. Here's your Horse Drama!
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This is my first fic, so criticism is welcome!

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 21 )

Alright, this was good. Each character felt like the character, rather than just a robot wearing the characters skin, which is a common symptom of 'firstficitus', and I did enjoy it, so good job.

And now it's time for me to tear into it.

This didn't need to be more than one chapter, one scene a chapter isn't inherently bad but the chapters and the story itself are so short that it comes across as padding.

It also feels like this fic doesn't end, it just 'stops'. This is a nebulous problem with an equally nebulous solution, as it has a lot to do with reader expectation, but it seems like you came to the first natural ending point, and decided to stop, which felt a little unsatisfying. It is a natural end point however.

These two problems compound on each other, and the second problem can be mostly alleviated by resolving the first, as it makes the pacing feel significantly smoother.

A short but amusing and fun read~
Poor Sunny, her friends don't understand Equestrian tastes in entertainment, but at least they still find it entertaining. I find myself wondering what she thought of "The Breakfast Club", since she didn't really expound on her impression of it.
Sorry I don't really have any constructive criticism, but I wanted to comment anyhow to express my appreciation. Congrats on your first fic!

9314601
Thank you for your feedback. I didn't know how I wanted to bridge each scene, partically because I've never written a fic before, so I should probably work on that.

As for the ending, I didn't know how else to really end it without feeling like it was dragging on. It came down to I couldn't think of anything else meaningful to add, so I felt like I should cut it there.

But again, thank you a lot for reading it, and thank you even more for giving me feedback.

Seems more like Equestrian drama is Shakespearean, he did comedy too you know. And Breakfast Club isn't a straight drama, it's dramatic comedy. So the comparison isn't quite so stark. Sunset likely saw the play with Celestia, and most likely it was written specifically to entertain Celestia, I think she'd like dramatic comedy.

This was rather amusing, had me laughing quite a bit :rainbowlaugh: That Equestrian drama at the end in particular. That was great :raritywink: Some of the dialogue could do with clarification of who’s speaking, but all in all great job :yay:

Congrats on finishing your first fic and getting it up!

Okay, that was a sensible chuckle.

ANW

I could tell this was a first fic.
Beside that, it was okay.
3 stars.

“ ‘The Breakfast Club’ ...? Rarity, this isn't a lovey dovey movie…”

Rarity has good taste.

“That was a drama? That was so weird…” Sunset rubbed her finger along her chin. “Dramas were nothing like that in Equestria.”

This is an interesting idea to use!

“You lie, Curr! We guardsponies will not fall for that trick a third time! If you wish to steal our lovely Princess from us, well then you'll have to go through me!” The guardspony stood fast, challenging Ryan to try to move him.

Curr shouldn’t be capitalized. Otherwise, this was short and sweet.

9315523
I was worried that if I went held any longer, the joke would drag on.

Short, but sweet! Thanks for sharing :moustache:

Is... That it? It felt like it was going somewhere, but it didn't really go anywhere...

9316317
I might have ended it a little early, but I felt like that was the best place to end it. Any longer and I felt like the joke would drag on, and before that the joke felt unfulfilled. I'm sorry though, I'll try to make my later fics have a better ending.

Thank you for the feedback though!

9316356
I feel like the missed opportunity here was that I was expecting you to get into the differences between a human culture and a pony culture, and there were a few other ways you could have got into it. I don't think you even mention the fact that Sunset is from a race of talking horses...

Hey there, Siracha! This was a pretty good first try at a fic, as others said. I enjoyed the premise of it, and it has great potential. You have a good understanding of how these characters would bounce off of each other and react, so they came off as they should.

I don't want to go too overboard on the critique side, as this is only your first fic, but I wanted to speak to the main problems in this:

Your dialogue is on the right track but needs fleshing out. Specifically, expanding it out into light banter that you would see between friends. You had the right idea in your first scene, where Dash was telling the other two about a story she heard. That would just have to be expanded. So, instead of jarringly having someone notice the weather outside, they could have a conversation about the weather. Sunset mentions that it's been snowing a lot recently, for example, and then Rarity tells her that it snows in mid-October on some years. Maybe Dash jumps in to tease Sunset about studying their world a little better or makes a quip about talking about the weather being cliche.

Also, you need to stay consistent with your plot. There was a plot hole between two chapters, to which one was explaining why it was too dangerous to head out into the cold in one, but in the other, they drop everything to head to Sunset's. It takes away any minor conflict that was held in the story and could lead to an interesting possibility where they realize that leaving Rarity's house was a mistake when they get stuck in a snowbank or something. Not a big fix, but something to look out for.

9321509
Hey, thanks for commenting. I'm always looking to improve, so getting pointers from more experienced authors is always helpful!

I tried my best to make the dialogue as natural sounding as possible, but to do that I kinda used myself as the example. So while I have done that in conversations before, it probably is a little jarring to read.

As for the plothole, I don't... Really have anything to say to that. The most I could say would be like "Oh they're impulsive teenagers" but that feels more of an excuse then a reason.

But no, again, thank you for reading and then giving me your advice. It will (hopefully) go into good use for anything else I write. C:

this story feels unfinished

AFTER ALMOST A YEAR I FINALLY GET THIS STORY! You were parodying the bizarre and repeating sentence structure of "Gilgamesh" and that my friend is hilarious (sorry it took me song, I am just now reading it for English class and I was just like, "This seems familiar... WAIT!")

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