Applejack couldn’t believe she was doing this. Sure, Sketchy needed a model, but there had to be better ways to accomplish it than this. She looked around the Stallgreens, wishing the last few customers would leave so she could make her purchase and get out.
Unfortunately, the two other ponies in the store didn’t seem like they were going to leave anytime soon. Even worse, Applejack knew one of them, Golden Harvest. She was wandering through the shampoo aisle.
The other customer was a green pegasus with a purple mane and tail over in the makeup department. Applejack had seen her around town, but she couldn’t for the life of her remember the girl’s name. She didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular, just browsing like she didn’t have anything better to do.
Applejack wandered into the pharmacy and pretended to stare at some kind of medication while actually keeping an eye on the other two customers.
…
Nope, neither mare seemed like they’d be leaving anytime this century. Applejack sighed. She didn’t want to keep Sketchy and Dash waiting, but she really didn’t want to make this purchase in front of anypony. Maybe she’d wait just a bit longer.
…
Oh, for goodness sake! Another pony just wandered in, and it had to be Lily. The Flower Sisters were the biggest gossips in town.
“Hi, Applejack.”
Applejack jumped a bit when she realized Golden Harvest had seen her and was walking her way. “Oh, heya, Golden. Fancy seeing you here.”
“I’m running low on shampoo, and this place had a sale.” Golden Harvest smiled. “How about you?”
“Not much, just getting, uh,” she grabbed a random item off the shelf, “this.”
Golden Harvest’s eyes went wide. “Oh, um, that’s, er, nice. Well, gotta go, take care!” She turned and practically sprinted away.
“Now what bee got stuck in her bonnet?” Applejack looked down at the box in her hooves, and immediately facehoofed. Condoms, ribbed and extra large.
Of course.
She put the box back on the shelf as quickly as possible. “Forget it, I’ll just buy it now and get out of here.” She marched up to the front—then turned around and marched away. Golden Harvest was still checking out, and the last thing Applejack wanted was another encounter with her.
Eventually, Golden left, and Applejack scurried up to the register before somepony else could get close enough to overhear. She looked at the cashier, and froze. “Caramel?”
“Hey there, Applejack.” The brown stallion smiled at her. “Didn’t you know I worked here?”
She supposed this was what she got for paying too much attention to the customers and not enough to the employees. “No, I didn’t.” She took a deep breath. It was too late to back out now. “I need a …” her cheeks flushed as she mumbled the last few words, “please.”
“What?”
She was fairly certain her cheeks were going to catch fire. “A Playcolt magazine, please.”
Caramel’s expression slowly went from confused to awestruck. “You mean you …? Oh, oh wow. I mean, I always suspected, but-”
“Just get the magazine before I punch your teeth in.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He reached for the shelf behind the counter. “Um, which issue?”
“Don’t care.” She glanced around nervously. “Just pick one, and hurry, would you?”
He grabbed one of the magazines and placed it on the counter. The cover alone was enough to renew Applejack’s blush. “Want me to bag it for you?”
“Yes, definitely.” She passed him the bits. “Don’t you dare breathe a word of this to anypony.”
“I won’t,” he said quickly, putting the magazine in a brown paper bag. “But, uh, I want you to know that I’ll support you no matter what lifestyle you live.”
“I’m just getting it for a friend,” Applejack hissed.
Caramel arched an eyebrow. “Right, and I only read it for the articles.”
“Oh, forget it!” Applejack grabbed the bag and ran outside before things could somehow get even more awkward. She was halfway back to Sugarcube Corner before she slowed to a walk. Okay, the worst was over.
“Heya, Sis,” Apple Bloom said. “What you got there?”
She could almost hear Discord laughing somewhere in the distance. “Nothing.” Applejack looked around. They were alone on the street, thank Celestia. “Just a, uh, something for a friend.”
“Really,” her little sister leaned closer to the paper bag, “what is it?”
“I’ll tell ya when you’re older.” Much, much, much older. “Anyway, what are you up to?”
Apple Bloom frowned and crossed her hooves over her chest. “I’m almost an adult, Applejack. You can tell me now.”
“You’ll always be my baby sister,” Applejack said. “So just trust me on this one, okay?”
Apple Bloom sighed. “Fine, if you insist, and since we finished planting the trees early, I was gonna meet up with Sweetie and Scootaloo and go to Sugarcube Corner for-”
“Nope, not Sugarcube Corner,” Applejack said quickly. She didn’t want her impressionable sister anywhere near that butt-obsessed pony. “Here’s some more money,” she shoved a bunch of bits at Apple Bloom, “why don’t you all go to that nice Prench restaurant instead?” She forced herself to smile.
Apple Bloom looked at the bits suspiciously. “Why don’t you want us at Sugarcube Corner?”
Applejack could feel her smile starting to crumble. “Please, AB?”
“Fine, fine.” She took the bits. “Is it okay if we go to Bonbon’s instead? I really don’t get why ponies like Prench food.”
“Sure, Bonbon’s is fine.” Applejack pulled her sister into a hug. “Thanks for trusting me.”
“You’re welcome, I think.” Apple Bloom hugged her back and then set off towards Carousel Boutique. “See you at dinner.”
“See you then, love you.” Applejack took a deep breath. Crisis averted. Now to get this stupid magazine delivered.
Music filled the air as she got closer to Sugarcube Corner. She didn’t think much of it until she opened the door and found Pinkie and Dash shaking their rears along with a crowd of ponies as they all sang, “And each butt’s great in it’s own waaaayyyy!”
Applejack watched with a deadpan expression as everypony posed at the end, paused for a few seconds, and then went back to their food. “Did you two just sing a song about rumps?”
Pinkie smiled. “Well yeah, I mean, Dash was feeling bad about hers, and I had to cheer her up somehow.”
Applejack sighed. “I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
“Well, it did help,” Dash said with a sheepish smile. “Anyway, what do you got there?”
“Just one more shred of my dignity.” Applejack walked over to Sketchy’s booth and slapped the bag onto the table. “Here, study this back at your apartment. It should have all the models you’ll need.”
Sketchy didn’t seem to hear her. His face was frozen in an expression of shocked confusion. “They just did a choreographed song-and-dance number about butts.” He slowly turned to her. “Why did they just do a choreographed song-and-dance number about butts?”
Applejack sighed. “It’s Ponyville. Don’t ask questions.”
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
9045953
Clearly, Applejack is having one of those days.
Damn it Caramel, you know Applejack don't lie
9046019
Caramel ain't too bright.
9046092
That's OK. I've learned to turn the other cheek on this sort of thing. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, might just make an ass of herself. Depending on the fandom's mood, this might cause a deep rift between people who've got their panties in a bunch and people who know you're just messin' with her.
...wait a minute...
9046143
What happened to Sketchy?
Don't know sport here asked for a commission and put down a load of bits
I saw him scream and run out of Sugar Cube Corner like he was shot out of one of my party cannons!
I didn't know he was afraid of dragons.....
What?
9046597
Nice.
wtf is this shit? im loving it, have a like and fav
9046754
Thanks, and I hope you enjoy the continuing insanity!
Let the crazy butt shenanigans continue!
9046925
Think she may come close 2nd to AJ or maybe 1st depending on your preference.
this whole thing is gonna leave AJ traumatized by the time its over
Poor Applejack. This is the problem with being the voice of reason.
This is fun, keep it up.
👍
Okay, while I think this story tries a little too hard to be funny at times...
...this is legitimately hilarious.
i390.photobucket.com/albums/oo345/stryke81/MLP/121499-animatedDiscordjust_as_plannedmacromeme.gif
Why didn't she just, you know, tell him what to buy for himself?
9050098
Sometimes Applejack's a little too proactive for her own good and doesn't stop to ask if there's an easier way to do things.
camo.githubusercontent.com/dde6a493ff1c66b5a3e467d9e1221c72c5ea43d9/68747470733a2f2f662e636c6f75642e6769746875622e636f6d2f6173736574732f3431393837332f3234393839382f61613438376639382d386233612d313165322d396330362d3039356465663437316566352e6a706567
Wallgreens, but PONIFIED
9050648
exactly
9049206
the comments are just as funny as the story itself
smh
this is worse than what would have happened
should have pretended to stare at the food section or something
9052031
Agreed. You commenters are awesome!
BUT ITS SO GOOD
wtf
i feel like i might laugh my brains out of my nose
like Pinkie. you don't question Pinkie cause Pinkie
9067475
At least, you don't question Pinkie if you value your sanity.
Without reading any further at the moment, I can see two obvious flaws in this approach. Applejack probably wouldn't be expected to think that a two-dimensional picture makes for a lousy sketch subject (and from what I've seen of this stallion's modus operandi, directly copying magazine pictures is likely asking for trouble in the long run anyway), but she might have expected that if you give this stallion a Playcolt he can reasonably be expected to carry it around in public, show it to passerby, and quiz them on how they feel various aspects of the models compare to Applejack as a source of salable products.
And I'd guess most of us have enough personal experience on the topic to know just how much deciding to do something you're embarrassed of messes up your judgement. Indeed, Applejack doesn't know when to drop the determination.
9052027
Walgreens is frigging awful. They never honor the sticker prices and their website is never kept up to date about what's in stock at what location.