The alarm went off way too early the next morning. Applejack expressed her annoyance as calmly as possible. Which was to say, she’d need to replace both the alarm and her window. She stumbled into the hall and down a flight of stairs, fueled more by a desperate need for coffee than any sapient thought.
Applejack didn’t remember how many cups it took to get her coherent, just that she’d had to refill the coffee pot a few times.
“There you are,” Granny said, hobbling into the kitchen. “Now what was up with all that racket last night? It’s hard enough for me to get any sleep as is.”
“Sorry, Granny.” Applejack got to work on breakfast as she explained Rarity’s nighttime visit.
Big Mac and Apple Bloom joined them partway through, forcing Applejack to catch them both up before she could move on.
“So let me get this straight,” Granny Smith said once she was done. “Your coltfriend is gonna move to Canterlot this week?”
Applejack sighed and dropped a plate of hashbrowns and scrambled eggs in front of Granny. She fixed another plate for herself and sat down at the other end of the table. “That’s about the shape of it.”
Big Mac looked thoughtful. “Make him stay.”
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom added. “He can’t leave Ponyville. You’re his marefriend, and you live here.”
“I ain’t his marefriend,” Applejack said automatically. She grabbed the maple syrup and poured it all over her eggs. Unhealthy? Probably, but she really needed some comfort food. “And if he wants to move away, that’s his business. Literally.”
“Horse poppies,” Granny said. “You’ve had that stallion on the brain ever since you first met him. You can’t let him up and leave you now.”
“And how exactly am I supposed to stop him?” Applejack shoveled a forkful of the syrupy eggs into her mouth, chewing a bit harder than was necessary. The sweet flavor of maple and the savory taste of eggs helped calm her down a little.
“You’ve got a good pair of hips,” Granny said. “Use them.”
Applejack nearly inhaled her eggs. “W-what?”
“Do I really need to spell it out for you?” Granny asked. “Sex that stallion into staying right here.”
Three things happened at once. Applejack’s jaw hit the table, her cheeks ignited, and her brain went on vacation without leaving a forwarding address.
“Granny!” Big Mac shouted. “Don’t go saying stuff like that to my little sister, especially not with my other little sister right there.” He pointed at Apple Bloom, who had turned as red as her mane.
“Fine,” Granny said. “Bloom, you go feed the chickens.”
Apple Bloom was out the door so fast that she nearly went through it instead.
“Now then,” Granny turned to Applejack, “here’s a list of moves that’ll guarantee he comes crawling back for seconds. You might want to take notes. Oh, and you’ll be needing a shovel for at least three of these …”
( | )
Applejack ran into Sugarcube Corner about fifteen minutes later, out of breath from screaming the whole way there. “Pinkie,” she gasped. “Pinkie Special. Now!”
Pinkie must have seen something in her eyes, because she didn’t try to talk her out of it. She didn’t even hesitate before whipping out her most (in)famous treat and offering it to Applejack.
Applejack shoved it into her mouth and chewed. Then everything evaporated into a haze of sugary sweetness.
( | )
“… I think it worked,” somepony said.
“Nnnng,” Applejack groaned, struggling to remember whose voice that was.
“Or maybe not.”
Wait, that was Twilight’s voice. Applejack tried to say something, but all that came out was, “Hnrg.”
“Applejack,” a new voice said, “can you hear us? Groan once for no and twice for yes.” This one was younger, and masculine. Spike? Yeah, Spike.
“Isn’t it normally once for yes and twice for no?” Twilight asked.
“Sure,” Spike said, “but she’s already groaning once every time we talk to her.”
“Fine, fine.”
“So,” a third voice said, “Applejack, can you hear us?”
That one was Starlight. Applejack did her best to nod. “Ugh, grngle.”
“That sounded like two distinct groans,” Twilight said. “Ask her something else. We need to gather more data.”
“Okay,” Spike said, “um … Oh, I know. Applejack, do you remember why you ate a Pinkie Special?”
Unbidden, her mind conjured up memories of Granny Smith describing acts with a shovel that shouldn’t have been physically possible. She’d also said which moves Grandpa Apple had enjoyed the most. The thought of her grandparents doing that filled her mind once more, leading to the only logical reaction, “Aaaaaaaaaah!”
“I think she remembered,” Starlight said.
“Yes, but remembered what?” Twilight asked. “Applejack, could you please describe it in as much detail as possible?”
“Aaaaaaaaaah!”
“Did it involve Rarity? She told me she was at your house the night before the event.”
An image of herself and Rarity doing that popped into her head.“Aaaaaaaaaah!”
“How about your brother?”
“AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
“Maybe you should stop asking her questions,” Spike called over her screams.
“I think you’re right,” Twilight said. “We’ll let her scream herself out!”
“AAAAAAAAAAH …”
An hour passed. Applejack knew for sure because Spike kept calling out how many minutes had passed. Unfortunately, time did nothing to get rid of the unspeakable image of her brother that had been conjured up.
“… AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
“I can’t take it anymore!” Twilight shouted.
Something hard and heavy smacked her across the face.
Applejack’s eyes popped open, and she found herself lying in a bed in Twilight’s castle. Twilight, Spike, and Starlight all stood at her bedside, looking some combination of worried and annoyed.
“You finished screaming?” Spike asked.
Her throat ached way too much to speak. She nodded instead.
“Thank Celestia,” Twilight said. “We weren’t sure if we’d snap you out of it in time for your date with Sketchy.”
Applejack’s jaw dropped. What in the hay had she missed?
“You don’t remember?” Twilight asked. “Never mind, that was after the Pinkie Special. Rarity told him he should take you on a nice date before he moves, and Granny Smith helped him plan one out.”
That sentence raised every possible red flag for Applejack.
A deep blush lit up Twilight’s face. “We weren’t told the details, but Granny Smith did ask us to give you a brief overview of the cultural norms surrounding a couple’s first time being … intimate. You ran out halfway through when she tried to explain it to you.”
Oh no, not again! Applejack jumped out of bed and sprinting for the door.
A purple aura lifted her into the air before she’d taken three steps.
“I know you’re nervous,” Twilight said, “but don’t worry, we’ll make sure you’re fully prepared.”
At her sides, Starlight and Spike both nodded.
Applejack fixed her eyes on Spike. He was too young for this conversation! Yes, salvation! She pointed at him and gave Twi an accusing glare.
Twilight had the decency to look uncomfortable. “Yes, but it’s part of his education too.”
“That, and I helped her research everything,” Spike said. “I even proofread her speech.”
“I did the illustrations,” Starlight added.
“And thank you both for all of your help,” Twilight said. She cleared her throat. “Now then, let’s begin.” She levitated over a poster showing two ponies kissing. “If you look up ‘sex’ in the Mareiam-Webster's Dictionary …”
Dear Celestia, Applejack thought, get me the tartarus out of here!
Dammit fic, stop being so good!
All that's missing is the song "I Won't Say I'm in Love," playing and we'd be all set. Seriously, is it possible to click favorite twice on this story?
Also, do I want to know what the shovel thing was about?
Oh please, allow me AJ,
*Breathes in*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
You owe me a new pair of sides. You made me bust these ones.
Getting sex advice from your grand
mothermare?That's a whole world full of "NOPE"!!!
XD
9073454
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What could be possible be doing with a shovel?
Oh my gosh.
Well Twilight Sparkle, That did it.
Glad I could help.
Now Apple Jack will never have foals!
But Spike listened through the whole lecture too
Ear plugs, Rarity said she'd like a foal or three
Spike! How old are you!?
At this rate more then old enough, But young enough to still like ice cream.
Mmmm ice cream.
No way not after your last binge after AJs stuff went wrong last night.
That's all we need now is a prenup over ice cream
9073454
Ironically, "I Won't Say I'm in Love" is my wife's favorite Disney song.
9073467
Lol, yup.
9073468
Would you accept in-store credit?
9073470
I couldn't agree more.
9073476
Thank you!
9073594
I'm glad you're enjoying this bit of insanity.
9073596
Now I feel the uncontrollable urge to go eat ice cream.
9073646
I certainly don't.
9073461
I imagine she's sleeping with a lot of her husband's business partners.
9073158
Thanks for catching that! I'll go fix it.
9073682
I'll take a new chapter as payment.
Hey now, grandparents are sexual beings too.
Why I remember my granny telling me about the time grandpa surprised her with a grocery bag filled with whipped cream and strawberries for their sixtieth anniversary...
9073698
Very good, expect payment in 14-16 hours, and thank you for shopping with us!
9073712
Look it's not that we don't know that they have sex. It's that we don't want to know the more explicit details of that sex.
9073679
Really?
9073736
AND we definitely don't want to be cursed by any possible mental images the conversation may conjure from the dark recesses of our imaginations; unwanted specters rising in sickly colors and grotesque shapes like nightmares to torment us for all time!
9073712
There's a mental image I didn't need.
9073712
Says the person with the not so subtle innuendo/pun as a username with profile pic of Gilda playing the part of the "They all fucked!" bird. I'm sensing a pattern here.
9073741
Yeah, she fell in love with Disney's Hercules when she first saw it and still collects a bunch of memorabilia from it. She was also nervous about saying "I love you" for a long time while we were dating, so the song has some personal meaning between us.
9073818
Aw, that's so sweet. You're lucky to have each other. Is she a writer like you?
9073868
She writes a bit in her spare time. She's a pharmaceutical technician, so I can honestly tell people I'm married to a drug dealer. I'm actually working on a fanfic with her in it, but progress is slow, so it will be a while before I post it.
i.imgur.com/k7eY0tq.jpg
9073916
Lol, exactly.
9073891
Oh ho? well no pressure or anything...
As for music, Sketchy needs to burst in singing this.
Seriously, if he figured this whole thing out before she did... I'd actually be rather okay that.
Y'know, if you had to pick a movie for the ponies to watch, you could do far worse than The Greatest Showman. The thing feels positively Equestrian sometimes, what with it's spontaneous musical numbers and all.
This was great! I laugh so hard from beginning to end!
And what an end?! Your done for AJ! There's no escape from the Powerful Purple Tri - Force!
P.S. We really could use a image for Starlight.
I feel sorry for AJ, but it was funny as hell so those feelings died pretty fast.
this
this is hilarious
still
and i loved that image
my brain is too mushy for any more coherent thought right now since i just woke up
9073891
Lol Why not just say you're married to a pharmacist? And that's cool, I look forward to reading it when it comes out.
9074422
He likes to think he’s funny
9073817
Your intuition serves you well.
Today is not Applejacks day