I'm just an Digital Artist and not really a fanfic writer.
Twilight Sparkle just wanted to send Princess Celestia a friendship letter. But instead, she accidentally killed somepony. She really never meant it, but she must be punished regardless. Torn away from friends and family, she is thrown into a bleak world of violence, misery, and suffering.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Twilight being in jail is probably the greatest reason to attack Equestria if you're a villain.
Deep and dark for sure. I love it.
I had a concept of Twilight killing a villain with her own hooves, but after being in such horror and guilt, she saves Death Wish's life, and he just stabs Twilight in the back after they settle their differences. Death Wish is reformed, but still gets revenge for Twilight almost leaving him to die.
Kinda reminiscent of the Joker and Batman in a way if you think about it. 😊
Anyway, love this dark story, it's great. 😄
Poor twilight it’s only gonna get harder from here for her. I really just wanna pull her into a hug and tell her everything is gonna be ok. But I can’t help but wonder.... he did she inadvertently kill? I’m kinda scared to find out...
Well, this has been an interesting chapter. First, let me say that I really appreciate your style of describing via smell and other senses, it does wonders to the atmosphere.
Though also in matter of descriptions, you have a tendency to give the readers redundant information, like here:
The readers have seen her getting out of bed, no need to repeat it here.
Connected to this, you should decide if you are writing this story for people who regularly watch the show, or for those who know nothing more than that it’s about colorful ponies and magic. You were alternating between both and it doesn’t exactly raise the quality of the story. For example, you are explaining who Spike is in greater detail and even spending one whole paragraph on the Smartypants stampede, but then you just casually mention Twilight’s friends as if everybody knew them automatically. That’s rather jarring.
As for grammar and typos, there were quite a lot of them—especially in the first half or so of the chapter—but none of them were truly recurring, and then also a few clumsy sentences. Getting help here is advised, especially if you want to attract some more demanding readers.
Then there were problems with direct speech, notably in punctuation and formatting of dialogue. However, that is pretty common in first stories
Remember that whenever a different speaker starts speaking, it should be made into a new paragraph. This is mostly known around the site as the “One speaker, one paragraph” rule.
As for the direct speech punctuation rules, I can explain more if you wish, but this comment is already getting pretty long and I don’t want it to double in size.
One last thing to the grammar bit: watch out for repetitive words, especially names.
The repetition is luckily dampened by the amount of details inbetween, but ‘tis still there and it sounds like a robot speaking, “Twilight did this. Twilight said that. Twilight was angry.”
Alright, and now for the story itself. To be honest, I can’t say much about the portrayal of the characters yet. All Twilight did was wake up (Why was she in the bathroom in such a dishevelled state though?) and panic slightly over missing Spike. That’s not out of her character, but there is not much to say about it beside that. Celestia was more interesting, as her approach was reasonable (she has to protect her ponies), but at the same time, she showed some remorse. Still, I’m not sure about her characterization just yet.
This gets me to the ending of the chapter and Celestia coming to arrest her. It was written quite well, but it was also over a little too fast, without any real emotions seeping out if it. I really wish you have spent more time on that.
And these are all my thoughts on the chapter. Anything unclear? Any additional questions?
Have a nice day and good luck in your writing!
~Ever
PS: I’m still curious about how this continues, and I hope to check the second chapter soon.
Something tell me that Twilight was framed. Like if some mysterious villain found out about what Twilight did, killed an innocent pony in Ponyville, and framed her. And did it to get her out of the way to attack, and take over Equestria. That what I see happened.
9000198
So I guess I'm not alone in thinking that Twilight had been framed for this unknown pony's death, huh?
Celestia.....
You messed up.
Is this Story going to last till the wedding?
In the short description: *stripped
Love the concept.
9000506
I think it’s because some people feel like it would ruin the story. This seems more like an alternate universe where instead of twilight getting out rather easily and unscathed she’s learning a very harsh lesson about the consequences of her actions. A lot of people often forget that she can’ be Rather mentally unstable and I’m wondering if the author is going to explore that a little bit.
9000986
It could be that too. But I guess only time will tell what the author has in mind as the story progresses.
Oh no, what’s gonna happen to Twilight
?!
Oh no...
.
9000338
You gonna tell us about chapter 2?
9100902
When are you continuing the story?
10224543
I don't know what to do. The guard that Twilight meets, I want him to be an arsehole who insults and talks down to her. But I can't figure out how to write his dialogue without coming across as weak or cheesy.
10890349
Ask for a co author. He or she might help you with the guards dialogue.