This is important...
Today was just like any other day running the class. There were three long periods of general education with two recesses and a lunch break. It's the universal system of all elementary schools in Equestria. It was Friday, the final day before all the foals run off home or wherever they want to goof around and cause trouble with minimal restrictions from authority. Cheerilee collected her papers and tapped them on her desk to even them out and set them down in front of her.
"Alright, class. School's out this week. Have a good weekend!" Cheerilee said just barely in time to not be masked by the sound of excited cheering from the class as most of them busted out the door, leaving behind a trail of eraser dust and pencil shavings. The only ones who remained in their seats were Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Rumble. The first three immediately huddled together to discuss what crazy antics they would get up to today, but Rumble just sat there with an almost vacant expression in his eyes, like he was lost in deep though. Cheerilee noticed this earlier, but didn't say anything on the basis that class was still in session and she had a lot of homework to issue. After the three fillies left, Rumble got up and walked towards the front of the class, where his teacher was just about getting ready to leave herself.
"Cheerilee?" Rumble asked in a quiet voice. He was always one of the more mature sounding students in the class, but to Cheerilee, it sounded like his old prepubescent voice from when he was first admitted here.
"Yes, Rumble?" Cheerilee asked with limited concern in her voice. Rumble winced at this, not because he was worried that she didn't care about him, but because if she was this relaxed, than maybe it wouldn't be the best time. "N-Nevermind." he mumbled as he started to leave, but she called him back.
"Is something bothering you, Rumble?" She asked. He looked down, almost crestfallen.
"Yes." he croaked out. Cheerilee could tell he was almost on the verge of crying, and that it was caused by something he was remembering.
Cheerilee came up and put her foreleg around him. "Tell me what's wrong."
Rumble shivered slightly. "I don't know if I should. He might get mad at me."
Cheerilee was confused. "Who? For what reason?" Rumble cringed. He already let on more information than he should have. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just hugged her instead. Tears started to dribble down his face. Cheerilee was shocked. She had never seen Rumble cry before. She was now growing rather concerned. "Rumble, what happened?"
After about 30 seconds of sobbing, he wiped his eyes clean and just said one word. "Thunderlane."
Cheerilee was starting to get frustrated at how slow progress she was making in getting him to tell her what was wrong. "Your brother? What did he do?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Did he hit you?" She couldn't see any sign that he was physically injured just by looking at his face.
"No..." Rumble started. Cheerilee relaxed a bit after hearing that. "But he did... touch me... in ways that I really didn't like." Her concern came flooding back, only this time, it doubled in intensity.
"Rumble? What do you mean he touched you?" Rumble cringed hard at Cheerilee's forwardness. She realized that if she was going to efficiently communicate with him, she needs to calm down.
"I mean, I... I was is my bed reading comic books like I usually do during the weekdays..." he gulped. "Only this time, Thunderlane was there with me. I didn't really mind, because I thought it was good company, and he had his foreleg around me, but that wasn't it." Cheerilee listened intently. "He started touching me in really... uncomfortable places. I don't know why he did, but I really didn't like it. and he kissed the back of my neck a lot... Mom used to kiss me to tell me that she loved me, but this was different... I don't know what it was, but it wasn't love... I felt wrong."
She was getting very impatient, but she didn't want to take it out on him. "Where did he touch you? What places?" Cheerilee asked, hiding her anger at what she suspected he was about to say.
Rumble lowered his head, a blush now donned his face. "My belly... My neck..." he curled up a little bit. "My... penis." All the anger that Cheerilee was feeling all came together. She had confirmation. She now had an excuse to be angry. Someone defiled one of her students. Someone that he was supposed to trust and look up to, his own brother. She felt bile start to come up her throat and she quickly swallowed it as to not make a mess. After coughing for a few seconds to get the burning sensation out of her neck, she heard Rumble start to cry again.
"Please don't tell anyone! He'll do something worse next time if you do." He hugged her leg. He was a mess. His tears drenched her fur. Cheerilee hugged him closer, and whispered something in his ear.
"Rumble, if you think I'm going to let that freak excuse of a caretaker get away with what he did to you, you're dead wrong. I'm going to file a report, but to make that easier, I'm going to have to ask. Did he inflict any bodily harm to you? Something visible that I can use as evidence?" Rumbled winced and dug his teeth together as he nodded. He rolled over to reveal his privates. His testicles were swollen and bruised as if someone squeezed them hard. This time, Cheerilee did vomit. She grabbed her coffee mug and sputtered into it. Spitting out a semi significant part of her lunch. "That creep! I'm going to show him what happens to those who..." She stopped as she was about to march out the door. "No, I have to do this by the book." She sighed and turned her head to Rumble. "Rumble, promise me you'll stay here and not move, OK? I'll be back in 10 minutes."
Rumble looked at her and nodded. "Okay, Miss Cheeriee. I promise." He watched as she exited the only door to the room. Now that he was alone, he instinctively felt scared again, and hid under her desk, counting the seconds until she returns.
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Well, this could certainly use a little more editing here and there, but is otherwise shaping up to be alright. Next time, I'd suggest slowing down a little and focus on emotional details. Tweaking reactions also wouldn't hurt you. Saying that Rumble cried for 'about thirty seconds' isn't as good as saying he teared up, or that he was having difficulty speaking. I did a blog that had some similar discussion on the topic you might find helpful, since I can't think of any other suggested material off the top of my head. Remember to try and do some research, depending on how deep you go into this, if you're unfamiliar and inexperienced with the topic, and happy writing! I'll be keeping track of this one.
8995022
Thanks for the great feedback. I feel like I'm much better at writing comedy than drama for that exact reason. When I reread my own story, I can totally see what you mean.
8995037
Well, practice makes perfect, so keep practicing!
This seems OOC for Thunderlane, but it's well written! I'm going to follow it as it progresses. For now, take a like!
Usually, i don't read stories like this, let alone track them. But you have my attention.
I usually read romance and thought that i should jus try something new i was not disappointed
i hope she goes to twilight and twilight summons FIRE
9012073
This isn't the first story I've read with Thunderlane as a rapist.
This isn't the first story I've read with Thunderlane having sexual contact with Rumble.
This IS the first story I've read where it's both at the same time.
Yeah, best not let Rainbow Dash hear about this until the other Wonderbolts do...
Update?
9284294
I'll definitely get to updating this story as well as a bunch of other at some point. Maybe not immediately as many of my story are kind of experimental when it comes to throwing ideas at the wall and it will take a while. What I'm probably going to do is go on a massive writing spree once I'm finished Red Dead Redemption 2.
Well. That was dark. A little fast paced though you could have used a little more build up. But a good (if SLIGHTLY disturbing) read.