- Member Since 11th Sep, 2017
- offline last seen April 25th
therandomone95
Just another brony from another country (Yes, that means I have difficulty writing stories in english). Also a Spikebloom lover <3
therandomone95
Joined 11th Sep, 2017 ·
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Definately looking forward to the next chapter
Hmm, dark, but not that disturbing/unexpected given what's already happened, and not very gorey. I feel the warning was a little unnecessary.
8853204
Well, I didn't enjoy writing that part
Maybe I'm just too sensitive
I'm liking it so far. You do a good job at making a dark atmosphere, describing the decrepit dungeon she's trapped in and the horrifying monsters that resemble her friends. One thing I'd recommend though is looking at the dialogue in the flashbacks. It seems like when Twilight & Spike are talking they are narrating at each other rather than talking to each other.
Something more like, "Spike, what's the matter?" Or "Is something wrong, Spike?" Not saying that what you wrote was wrong, but for a talk with someone so close it'd probably be better to use more casual dialogue unless she knew something serious was happening.
Look at this as something different, "Sweetie didn't come looking for us, so we went back and looked for her but we couldn't find her anywhere."
The "We approached the place" sounds like it'd be good for narration when you're telling a story, but not so much for Spike trying to tell Twilight what's going on.
Anywho, 2 more chapters. If I like it I'll add it to my favs, so plz don't disappoint!
Hm... Mixed feelings about the ending. When it went full-flashback mode it started going a mile a minute, and for the most part I'd say you did a good job at explaining why Twilight created this personal hell. Killing a bunch of innocents and an evil child is enough for anyone to have some serious second thoughts about what they've done with their life
(I know from personal experience
)
The ending though, with all her friends turning their backs on her? That just doesn't seem natural. I can imagine a couple of them feeling like what she did was horrible, but Applejack (who is a family-tight mare who just lost her sister), Rarity (who is an elegant and refined mare who would sacrifice all of that to make her little sister happy), and Dash (who is a hothead and element of loyalty, who just lost Scoots in a horrible way), I'd say that most of these ponies would be sympathetic. Twilight went mad, sure, but she's a long-time friend and she just lost someone that was the closest to her. She may've deserved it, but that doesn't mean that they have to be fine about it. In fact, they'd probably be in freaking tears at losing a close friend on top of all of this.
Anyway, I'd say the story was okay. I usually add stories to my favs for stories I find exceptional in some way, and while it's close, I'm not really feeling it. I will leave a like though, since I'd say that it was still worth reading. Keep on practicing and maybe I'll come across your content again.
8867663
Thank you for reading it!
As for the ponies around Twilight in the hospital, I thought the same things as you, but let's face it, even Applejack, the most family-loving mare, can change if something happens to her lil' sis', she treats her like a baby, and she REALLY cares for her, so in my story, Applejack is still debating with herself if Twilight deserved it or not.
I don't think I have to explain Rarity's opinion, because she is a 'high class' pony and she fears aything that has to do with murder, at least in this story, she lost her bond with Twilight when she heard what happened, and as for RD, let's face it again, RD is the pony who judges first and asks the important questions later, maybe she will regret turning her back on Twilight at some point, but for now, the story remains like this.
Anyway, I did the best I could to explain the story at the end, I hope it was enough, thanks for the like anyway!
An MLP version of 123 Slaughter Me Street. Okay, then...
8971063
Come on, someone needed to do it!
Btw, you got points for getting it!
8971130
Yes, it did need to be done, and I'm glad you did.
And I even sung the song DAGames made for the game while reading.
I can go into more detail if you want, but this story fell apart once the background events were revealed. The events were so ridiculous and absurd that I ended up laughing. Unfortunate considering Twilight's experience in the building is well-written.