- Member Since 25th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Jul 19th, 2019
Aeluna
Love dark fics? You're in the right place. I'm just your average British woman with a fascination for stories with dystopian futures and ponies. (Profile pic made by Pineapple-Nigiri on DA)
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Hm. I remember you were really passionate about this story when I first started to follow you. I'll give it a look as soon as I can. Hope you make it something special. Best of luck.
The amount of detail you pour into your writing is fantastic. Very cleanly written, I enjoy your writing style and I enjoy dark stories, so you have my attention.
8739477
Thanks so much, I'm really hoping I can make this work! Thanks for your interest!
8739717
That's nice to hear! I do perhaps put a little too much detail in sometimes, but I'm glad you can appreciate and enjoy it! Thanks so much for reading!
He premise of this story sounds a lot like the premise of a lot of Fo:E stories.
Might give it a go and see what happens.
8740398
Glad to see you're interested, the more the merrier! Please bear in mind though, when reading though, that this is different to Fallout: Equestria fics despite the immediate similarities from the apocalyptic theme. So don't be expecting the appearance of any ministries or vault/stable social experiments!
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How did Luna's tail get all the way up there?
8740420
That's a very good question! You'd have never guessed I have horses myself! Thanks, I'll change it.
So let me get this straight. Five minutes after waking up, Blue and her friend are attacked in the hideout they're in?
There wasn't a lot of detail about the place they're staying in, in fact it seemed to be glossed over almost completely, save for a dew descriptions of Blue's surroundings.
The scenes seemed to mash together like when you mix different coloured playdough and it turns into one colour. I got confused because there wasnt a lot of clarity going on after the fact, thus I want sure what to make of what was going on.
Also, if Blue gets shot and the wound spurts blood, going off human standards, Blue would be dead in under 2 minutes if an artery was hit.
Ammonia, you say? The only bodily fluid that contains ammonia is your urine. If the blanket reeks of pee, then it would've been recently peen on and not washed before the doctor put it over Blue. Gross.
Extra italic marker at the beginning
8740459
I'm sorry you feel that way. I purposefully avoided describing the facility (their hideout) too much to avoid a massive exposition dump. I'll try to sneak some more facts in.
As for the ammonia, yeah, I know. That was the idea.
8741098
Exposition can be a good thing if done right. The problem I often see is that people tend to tell rather than show. It helps add depth and flavour to the scene, environment, and ambience.
If you want some help with describing the hideout, look to the Vaults in the Fallout games. Given the nature of the fic, the games could provide excellent reference for detail.
For example, you could've described the hideout something like this:
The wallpaper was blistered and peeling from a century's worth of neglect, and the carpet underfoot was worn down to the boards with all the traffic. The only hint there was carpet at all were the frayed strands still nailed to the skirting boards.
Or if you want to go a more bunker-style route:
The welded and bolted seams of the cold steel plates that made up the walls and roof had warped after a century, allowing water to leak in from outside. Patches of rust were dotted all around, and in some places has eaten through the steel walls.
8742720
I did try to throw in a few features, but I'll definitely try to emphasize the points so they're a little more obvious. Thanks!
So the premise of your entire story is that Celestia forgot what changelings are. Then she and Luna try to save their VIPs by bringing them to the castle (that currently has enemies literally right on top of it and is smack-dab in the center of the disease cloud) and using a "health charm" (or maybe a "health bubble") that they hope will conveniently cure the cocktail of viruses that are about to kill the rest of the country. They also "need a shield", which raises the question of why they don't have one up already when they're under siege.
8756547
There is no implication that they are hoping the shield will "cure" the biological weapon they are unleashing, merely contain a small area away from it whilst everything else that did not reach the radius in time died.
The implication I got from Luna rushing in is that the changelings were employing overwhelming and rapid force, and their generals as well as themselves were scrambling to cobble together a defense, unable to form an overall strategy of hardening the city against siege.
8756547
That was not what I was going for. I was actually going for the fact that Celestia realised the changelings could literally be anything—and in doing so, inadvertently switched the target of her spell from the changelings specifically to said "anything".
As for the bubble, as mentioned by Word Worthy, it isn't designed to cure disease. It's a version of Cadence's health bubble that keeps disease out. Celestia wasn't trying to get VIPs. She wanted to get as many ponies to Canterlot as possible.
As for "why Canterlot", the majority of the population is now huddled there. The outlying cities would have been taken by this point, else the changelings would never have made it to the middle of Equestria. It is in an elevated position on the mountainside which controls access to and from more easily. It has a highly valuable source of clean, running water and, at this point in the war effort, would've had the most food sources. Plus, it's home. It isn't a perfect location by any stretch of the imagination—but it at least is still standing.
In reference to why they haven't got a shield up already, that's a last choice option. The power to keep a city-sized bubble of magic up indefinitely would be inconceivable if one wanted to do anything else alongside it. Cadence herself is proof of that after only a few days in the Crystal Empire.
8759239
It seems monumentally negligent for someone who is currently at war with the changelings to not consider their shapeshifting ability when deciding how to kill them. Even if she had only targeted undisguised changelings, she might have killed Chrysalis and many other changelings without risking all life in Equestria.
If they don't have any way to cure the diseases, Celestia sent her royal guards out to die pointlessly. Regarding VIPs, she specifically mentions Twilight, Cadence, and the Wonderbolts when talking about bringing ponies to safety.
It doesn't matter how well-positioned Canterlot is for defense when the enemy is already inside the city.
I'm guessing Shining Armor is already compromised, seeing as keeping a city-sized shield up was his specialty and he was perfectly capable of doing so for days at a time when Canterlot was threatened before. Even without him, I don't see why they would put off shielding the castle longer than they put off using the extremely-dangerous genocide spell.
8759382
She did not specifically intend to target normal ponies. She was only targeting the changelings, and such had been the plan when she chose that spell as a last resort option. However during the casting she accidentally let her tired mind wander to the fact that there could still be disguised changelings on the loose, and so mistakenly targeted everything. She knew what she had done the second she did it, but it was a simple accident that caused it to happen in the first place. In the same way that if you try to think of something specifically—e.g. Think black—after a few moments your mind naturally wanders to other points.
The changelings are not in Canterlot. They have it surrounded, but they're not inside yet and by starting the disease directly at their position, they would've been attacked immediately. However there would only have been a short time frame until the disease began to reach canterlot itself. I will try to make their position more clear.
You've got the bit wrong about VIPs. Celestia wasn't asking for them to be brought into canterlot; she was getting the powerful ponies (Wonderbolts could quickly spread news, whilst Twilight and Cadence and other powerful unicorns could teleport as many ponies as possible in) to get as many ponies to canterlot in that pathetic time frame as possible. That is why she and Luna left at The end of the chapter; to try to save ponies. However I'm glad you pointed it out and I will try to make this point more obvious.
Yes, Shining Armour was out of the picture, but regardless of that, holding up his spell was still having a toll on him since he was getting "terrible migraines" and that didn't need a *constant* magical input as this shield requires.
Would you mind explaining your last point about holding off the shield spell? I don't see how delaying that, which would have rendered the pony pretty much useless, is comparable to delaying the one-off spell that was the targeting spell?
8760702
Is the roof of the castle in Canterlot? If so, then changelings are in Canterlot.
That's why I was wondering about a shield. Once a few changelings are inside, the defenders won't know friend from foe. Maintaining the shield was their top priority last time, and I'd think at least Celestia or Twilight would be able to do so. Even if they couldn't do anything else while maintaining it, that would be the opposite of useless.
If the genocide spell only killed normal ponies, she'd be getting off lightly.
That's not targeting ponies. That's literally anything in the whole land of Equestria.
The good: I think the length worked well for the content of the chapter. Being in an icy tundra, falling off of cliffs, and the saving grace of the airship. I liked Blue's logic with looting the ship; it reminds me of the Fallout series. After 200 years there's still tons of good shit lying around.
The bad: You've still got a long way to go with painting a better mental picture for your audience. You've definitely got the hang of it for the most part, so with a bit more practice and patience, you stand to improve leagues above your current skillset.
Also, you signed your real name in the comments apparently. Going off that, and when you mentioned that you have horses, it sounds like your some kind of girl that works with horses to some extent?
8783084
Haha, I did indeed sign my name. What a plonker!
Anyway, I'm a farmer by trade. I just have a few horses too. Three right now, though it was four—until one died a few months ago. Poor boy.
Also, Blue and Rip are actually in the Scourge's version of the San Palomino desert right now. Did I mention snow anywhere, because if I did I definitely need to fix that up!
8784184
With how cold you made the scene out to be, I assumed it would've been snowing.
8784438
Nope. Do you know how the temperature can swing when in the desert? At night it can dip staggeringly low to where you might as well be in a tundra.
8784438
Ah, I see. It wasn't quite that cold; the air is fairly frigid since the sun isn't overly strong, but it is the cold wind that was making everything so unpleasant. Plus, Blue had been in a building for the last year, even if not a massively well heated one, so going outside for the first time would've been a shock.
But regardless, I'm glad the length of the chapter was good—I was a little worried it was too short!
When I first looked at this, I was confused as to why all the chapters were not marked as read. I said to myself: "Haven't I read this before?" Then, I read all the chapters, and... My word. This fic's changed since last I saw it. Quite the improvement. I'm not upset that you started from scratch, though I must ask: why?
8894585
Oh dear, you must have missed the blog post!
Anyway, I just got to a point where I wasn’t liking where the fic was going. It was getting poor comments and a lot of criticism, and I wanted to fix those things up. Of course the easiest way was just to rewrite it, hopefully with better characters and plot lines.
8896019
Ah. Well, I look forward to how it develops down the line.
HELLO!? IS ANYONE STILL HERE!? HELLO!?
:C