A short, lighthearted story about Derpy Hooves being given a precious gift by her daughter. Can she overcome her limitations to save her little muffin high above Ponyville, before it's too late?
Comments and constructive criticism/feedback is always welcome!
(cover image 'Cloud Surfing' created by MylittleSheepy and used with permission. This story is dedicated to my friend Vishnya, who both encouraged me to try fanficing, and helped with editing. Further editing credits go to the gentlemanly and knowledgeable JohnPerry)
Chapters (1)
Finally a Derpy/Dinky story that's not sad
946705 Thanks
I just can't picture those two, and envision sadness somehow.
Awwwwwww
An unexpected course of events starting as soon as she put on the goggles. Probably a good thing although I quite enjoy stories I CAN predict in most details down to at least a list of three major possibilities too (which is most of them, I have an analytical mind).
947309 One does not predict the Derpy .. one simply holds on for dear life and hopes to land somewhere soft
I hope you enjoyed it, even if it wasn't what you were expecting.
947540
*Drums claws on his arm-rest.*
I enjoyed it BECAUSE the details of the plot were unexpected. The overall central tension was exactly as implied by the summary, which is usually a good thing, even if my own plot-bunnies often seem like they would be served best via bait-and-switch descriptions.
947570 If I nodded with a wry smile, indicating that indeed I had fully understood your comment and was attempting dry wit ... any chance you'd buy it?
I thought about trying a little obfuscation in the description, but since it was my first posting I plumped for honesty instead. Plus, I worried that some people going in for a comedy/slice o life story might be a little upset by free-falling foals.
949798
Edited a typo in my previous post
"even if my own plot-bunnies".
Anyway, long story short, you did good.
949892 Huzzah! Thanks again
So, now I sit back and wait for legions of fans to bring me gems and buckets of cash right? That's how this sort of thing works isn't it?
Or, maybe I'll stop being a lazy flank and get some more stories done...
951938 A story that's bound to get deeply awkward the moment Daring Do gets her hooves on a computer!
Great story. I was reading sadfics and shipping fics all day to inspire me for some things of my sad shipping fic, and I finally just got sick of all the sad crap and decided to read a happy story. So I searched "Derpy" because to me, she's a very happy and bubbly pony. Well I was really surprised to find loads of sadfics about Derpy...dahell
Thanks for this happy Derpy story.
955410
Thanks kindly! I might try my hoof a sad or serious shipping fic at some point, but I'd like to do more upbeat stories. I know it's a bit trite, but I'm a bit of a sucker for happy endings! And honestly, I don't think I'd be able to sleep if I made Derpy cry...
i reccomend the trigillogy of dinky an write MORE
if thats ok wifu 
but that save was so asome
1000559 Hehe thank you! (sorry I didn't see your message for a bloody week! It hid it from me!). I might do a follow-up to the story sometime, I just have to think of how to actually do it! Damn my lazy hooves!
I'm really sorry that I'm getting to you so late on this. Still, I'm here now
While your writing is for the most part well-done and believable, a problem that you seemed to have was a case of awkward phrasing. In certain sentences scattered throughout the story, you sometimes pack in some unnecessary phrases that clutter your prose more than they enhance:
"Derpy stood a little drunkenly, daughter perched proudly atop her mother’s head."
While this sort of phrasing would be acceptable for a character's dialogue, it feels very out of place in the actual narrative. Also, the adjective 'drunkenly' seems awkward as well. Saying that she's shaky and stumbling could work just as well and seem more acceptably neutral.
My second problem is the ending, which just served more as a source of confusion than anything else when I saw that this story was marked as complete. Why bring up this particular raven if it's going to serve no real purpose to the actual plot? I think I might be missing something here.
To go into a more positive direction though, I absolutely loved the plot to this. I'm a complete sucker for Derpy and Dinky stories that try to expand on their relationship, and this one is pretty unique in terms of its plot.
The character dialogues were overall good, but you occasionally slipped into dangerous territory by quoting the actual show on a few occasions. This generally isn't a good idea, just because the audience will recognize the reference and get themselves sucked out of the actual plot in a particularly serious or emotional scene. However, that doesn't really hinder the story as a whole.
Overall, I really liked this, and I wish that I had more to say. It's a shame that you can't really say much in a critique for a good story. You did a good job, and I'm sorry that I got to this so very late.
1100685
Good point. Looking over my work, I do tend to rely on '-ly' words too much in the narrative descriptions.
Originally, I didn't have that extended ending in the story, but several people commented that there was no apparent resolution for what happened to the goggles after they were lost. It was a little clumsy I guess.
Ugh, again a good point. As a first time fic writer it seemed like a terribly clever thing. I try to keep a better eye on that now (allowing for the occasional 'to the moon' joke!).
Thank you very much for your critique, I really do appreciate it! It's given me a lot to think about if I want to improve.
This is gonna be good
Good job with creating a story with dinky and derpy even though it's one chapter.
The ending however could be modified a little.
Good story to eat my sandwiches too.
But your thought process is decent enough to were I might send you a muffin basket.
I recommend ponies everywhere to read this book during a car ride.