I got the idea for this from "Know Your Mare' by Overlord_Flinx. so thank you for the idea.
It is not required that you read "Know your Mare" to understand this story, but I suggest you read it because it is a very well thought out idea and is very funny Here is a link to "Know your Mare".
This is what I thought would happen if the "voices" were gryphons, and got caught by all the villagers in ponyville.
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its griffons... just FWI... also your lack of paragraphs is disturbing
I loved this story^^, For me it was pretty good, but you may need to use paragraphs. Anyways it was a good story.
I like
931970
Hey fag hole, there's mutliple spellings. Also, pegasus isnt a species, its a specific Ptreippus. Fucking educate yourself.
God this shit is HILARIOUS.
931970 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png first story, minimal editing.
932389 "God this shit is HILARIOUS."
not sure if good or not.
932047 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png If I ever write another story, I'll work on paragraphs.
932305e.deviantart.net/emoticons/moods/joy.gif dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png
1.bp.blogspot.com/-93XptpoYAFA/TrWyqRc135I/AAAAAAAABRA/Ih1b2AmUq4o/s1600/mlp+my+little+pony+meme+bronies+pinkie+pie+brain+is+full+of+fuck+jackie+chan.jpg
This is hilarious. Work on your formatting and this could be a fantastic story!
932517 your name seems familiar. where do I know you from?
932615 Maybe from somewhere... I don't know where though...
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/2/2d/Applejack_Corrupted.png
931970 try to be more constructive with your criticisms next time
932628 LEAVE!!!! Leave before my shittyness corrupts your writing.
932648 I take this as a challenge, good sir.
You won't get rid of me so easily!
932679 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_shh.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_hmph.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cheerilee.png e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/trollface.png
932704 that octavia one....hmm...
*leaves*
938457 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
938685
938802 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
938810 *runs away*
938816 don't rundl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/eenope.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png
938826 b-but pinkie is scary!
938844 what?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png how is pinkie scary?
938848 Octavia is cute
Pinkie is posessed by a demon
938863 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
.
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dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
938867 i want....
938885 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
938889
you killed it. totally killed it.
938892 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cloudchaser_dealwithit.png
938902
*leaves*
938903 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png
I'm done now.
938908
938941 sorry.
Okay, I've gone over this story and compiled some notes on... pretty much everything about it, really. I'll warn you right off the bat, this is going to be long. Also, I'm going to skip over formatting and other presentation problems; you know that needs work. I'll do this in two posts: first we'll look at pervasive technical and construction problems, and in the second we'll examine the plot, pacing, and story structure.
-Tense shifts are one of the quickest ways to drive away potential readers. Lines like "He was stunned as she walks right up to him," where you're going from present to past within the same sentence, are the mark of an amateur author. Of course, you ARE an amateur author (we all are), but keeping this story in the same tense throughout would improve it as much or more than any other single construction change.
-It's clear you spellchecked this. Good! Too few authors remember to do that. Sadly, the reason I can tell you spellchecked it is because of the number of spellcheck errors in the story ("reviled" for "revealed" in the author's note, for example). Spellcheck is a wonderful tool, but never assume that it's giving you the right word.
-Numbers is important (see what I did there?). Several times throughout the story you refer to a single creature using a plural pronoun or verb, or vice-versa. When you do this, the reader has to go back and re-read the sentence and try to figure out whether there really are supposed to multiple stallions (or whatever), or just one.
-Your comma usage is much better than many amateur authors. Unfortunately, many amateur authors are really, really bad at commas, so that's not exactly high praise. You've got other things here that need your attention more, but if you have the time I'd recommend you check out this site (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm). It's done a lot of good for a few other fanfic writers I've reviewed for.
-Word use is pretty good throughout, neither repetitous nor gratuitously verbose. That's something a lot of beginning writers struggle with; kudos to you!
-Whenever possible, use either a pronoun (if attribution is clear) or a name (if it isn't). You have a bad habit of referring to characters as "the gryphon," "the mare," etc. when they speak. If the reader doesn't yet know their name, and if there's no confusion as to who's talking, that's fine. But there's no need to keep calling Fletcher "the gryphon," especially since there's another character present whom that attribution could potentially refer to.
-Personally, I like the dialogue-heavy style. I didn't have any trouble keeping track of who was speaking (at least, none caused by lack of tagging), which is the main pitfall of that style. Good work on that.
-There are five acceptable ways to end a sentence: a period, a question mark, an exclamation point, an interrobang (!? or ?!, your choice), or an elipsis (...). Ending a sentence with "!!!!" or "!?!?!?" is approximately equivalent to ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME; it doesn't provide extra emphasis, it just looks silly.
-Seriously though, formatting and use of text mods (italics, bolding, etc) needs to be done over from scratch. You know that, but maybe you don't realize what a big deal it is. When someone opens up a doc and sees a visually unappealing mess, nine times out of ten (I made that number up, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's about right) they'll close their browser on the spot, and then you've lost a potential reader. They also might give you a thumbs-down, THEN close the browser, if you catch them in a bad mood.
There's some other errors, but to me they all look like isolated problems, not systemic issues. Those you should be able to clean up with a simple editing sweep or two; the things I talked about above are more likely habits that you should try to break yourself of if you want to improve your writing (except for the good stuff. Don't break yourself of good habits).
Next up: the story proper.
(cont.)
-Let's start with that intro, since it's why I didn't read this in the first place. Everything's spelled correctly now, which is a big plus (though you really should capitalize "Ponyville"), but for the rest I've still got issues. Since you mentioned another fanfic by name, it's always a good idea to make clear that your work isn't a sequel and doesn't assume familiarity with the original--glad you added that. Saying that your story "is a very well thought out idea and is very funny," is unnecessary at best, and reeks of egotism at worst. I KNOW you think it's a good idea; why else would you write it? I'd advise you to leave any judgements of quality to the reader.
As for the description proper, I'm afraid it still seems to the prospective reader pretty incomprehensible. What are the "voices?" Gryphons, apparently, but without any grounding in the previous story the relevance of the reference is lost on me. A good description clues the reader into the setting, without spoiling any twists. After reading that, I still have no idea what the story's tone is, what the setup is, or anything. "Some gryphon/voices get caught doing something by everyone in Ponyville" could be setting up a Cupcakes-esque gorefest, a tasteless sex joke, a noir mystery, or any of a hundred other things. You should try to use your description to hook the reader, and the best way to do that is not to be vague and ask rehtorical questions (despite what you might think from reading others' descriptions), but to give them a taste of what to expect in your story (again, without giving away any major twists).
-If this is supposted to work as a stand-alone, there really needs to be some more setup. The reader never learns why these gryphons are in trouble, what their goals or motivations that led them to this place were... heck, if I hadn't read the description I wouldn't even know that this takes place in Ponyville. Even if all you're doing is setting up the punchline at the end, there needs to be some sort of plot to keep the reader going for the thousand words leading up to that. I don't need to know these gryphons' life stories, but at least tell us what they were doing in town, why the townsponies formed a mob and captured them, and what they hope to find out by torturing them. All this information is completely absent from the current story.
-Although the pacing is generally good (you set the scene, albiet incompletely, introduce the idea of torture, build up, and then drop the punchline), you can take a little more time establishing setting before diving into torture. Which is good, because there needs to be more establishing going on here. Also, I think the story would be more structurally solid if the idea of torture wasn't introduced until after the little filly has her bit. This would require some maneuvering story-wise, but at the moment we have the idea introduced, then a break which has no obvious relevance, and then we're back to preparing the equiptment. That's just my opinion, though.
-There's pretty much nothing I can say about characterization, since the piece is more concerned with scene and drama-building than with character development. For a story like this, that's fine. But it does mean that I have virtually no empathy for, and thus no emotional investment in, any of the characters. Since this is supposed to be Ponyville, you might want to consider making the ponies (or at least, the head mare) canon characters; the Mayor, one of the flower sisters, something like that. It gives your audience an immediate grounding in the scene, since now they "know" who they're dealing with, and makes the disconnect between the idea of torture and the ponies themselves more dramatic. That's good for you, because it hightens the irony of the punchline.
-Since we've obviously got a troll-ending here, I'd suggest you embrace it. Have someone scream out "Once you pop, the fun don't stop!" Throw a brand name on there. Make sure you include that little TM symbol that I don't remember the alt code for right now. If this is the direction you're going to go, go all the way, and amp the ridiculousness at the end up to 11.
And that's about it. Okay, final thoughts:
I regret to say that in its current incarnation, this isn't a particularly well-executed story. HOWEVER, with some significant work, I think it could potentially become a very funny bit of meta-comedy (meta- as in playing with reader expectations, not directly addressing the audience, aka "good meta"). Whether or not that's work you're interested in putting in is up to you; maybe you're prepared to say "I'm done with this story," in which case I hope you'll apply some of my advice to future writing endeavors. If you do get this cleaned up, I think it could be something a sizable chunk of the fanfic readers around here would find suitably amusing, were they to read it. Anything setting up a troll ending will always have a limited appeal in some circles, but there's no reason that a broad spectrum of readers couldn't enjoy the story that this hypothetically could be.
I hope that helps, and good luck with your writing!
955845 so much work to be done. Whoa, I almost didn't read your comments when I saw the length, but I'd never improve if I did that.
I guess I'll copy this somewhere and sift through and see where all the problems are, then have others look it over.
In the end I will probably post the fixed version as a new chapter, so that they can be compared.
Just one thing I need to point out, the description. I wasn't talking about my own story, I was talking about "Know your Mare". I suggest it as a read, It's a little long, but is all dialogue, and many laughs were had from it. I'll fix the description so it doesn't look like I'm promoting my own story.
What a
!
I read your story. The commenter Chris made a lot of good points you should try to include. I'll leave you some advice in my own unique way.
Bronystories stood in a semi-darkened room, remembering to establish location. He was waiting for his friend to arrive to discuss story layout. When he was ready to start a new paragraph, Bronystories made sure to put a space between them.
One side of the room was shrouded in shadows. The only illumination in the room came from a hall light that shone through a small window in the hotel room door and the moonlight that poured in through the window.
"I wonder what's keeping DJ DASH3R," Bronystories said to himself, remembering to have all text start a new paragraph. As he walked over to a windowsill and looked outside, he observed how mentioning the rain helped to set the tone and add much needed detail to the scene.
"I wonder if I should tell DJ DASH3R that thoughts should be in italics?" Bronystories thought, "I hope she knows that with very few exceptions, dialog should avoid using bold or underline text." He walked back to the table and looked at the paper. The front page read, "Bold text okay for headlines or signs."
"It's important to always be able to tell who is speaking," Brontstories said, reminding himself. Suddenly, a voice came from the shadowy part of the darkened room. Bronystories jumped in surprise, then turned around slowly to face the shadow. While doing this, he always remembered to make sure the things he did were well described for the reader, so they never got lost on what was happening.
"What if you're trying to keep their identity hidden?" a mysterious voice in the dark asked. Stepping out of the shadows, Bronystories saw that it was DJ DASH3R.
"There are clever ways to hide identities," he said, "Pronouns are also useful to avoid being repetitive." Suddenly, the two heard a loud bang.
"What was that?!" Bronystories asked, using the minimal amount of punctuation necessary, "It sounded like an explosion!" Opening the door, Bronystories and DJ DASH3R ran out into the hall to investigate.
End of chapter.
Hope this helps and happy writing!
1002431 My guess is that you've done this before.
I haven't had a chance to work on editing the story yet, so I will make sure to keep your advice in mind when I do so.
Thank you very much for lookin over my story.
1002556
Actually, this is the first time I've ever done that for anyone. (I'm still relatively new at this myself, having only started in June.)
I just made all of that up on the fly. I hope it helps!
no
1727065 Could you please tell me what that no means?
1727830No means nothing.
Oh god why... I remember what she did next... I still can't look at a baseball bat the same man...