A Comedy in Three Lessons

by Knowledge

Celestia

Today was the date. I got my mane all done up with gel and combed for once. I looked like a total pretender, and I wanted my date to see the real me. I just didn’t have time anymore. The Summer Sun Celebration starts at the crack of dawn, and I wanted to arrive early.

My date had sent me a response to my letter and chocolate sweets a few weeks ago. He said he missed my sweet love and would meet me where we first met. Last night, I had booked a hotel. I hadn’t seen the black stallion of my dreams yet, so he might have gone to a different hotel or something.

The royal gardens were resplendent as always. I arrived early so that my date wouldn’t have to wait on me. I savored the rare crisp air that would soon fall to sweltering humidity once the Princess raised the sun.

“Oi, guess who?”

An assailant covered my eyes, blinding me. Apparently, somepony had the same idea as me. He was always a sneaky one. I couldn’t count on one hoof the number of times he disappeared and reappeared out of thin air while we had our first couple of dates two years ago.

“Honeybunch!”

“You know that isn’t the name I gave you, but what is in a name, amirite?”

His hooves slid down my face and onto my shoulders so he could give me a hug. My love for him radiated off me and made him hug me all the harder.

I missed the dark equine. I peered into his brown eyes as I had done so many times before. I could be blinded by the depth and sincerity I saw in them. They seemed to flash green for a moment, but I figured it was just a refraction of the light on the green plants. That doesn’t make complete sense because there is so little light before dawn.

We got to our spot in the garden. My date had thoughtfully brought a mat for us to sit on so we wouldn’t get wet in the morning dew. I chastised myself for not being equally thoughtful, but the ebony pony reminded me that my love was more than enough for him.

Dozens of couples and families surrounded us. All of us waited for the sun to magically rise to mark the longest day of the year. During that time, I reminisced about how I met my love.

We had met in the royal gardens, trying to hide from a spirit of chaos. I found him immediately found him attractive. He picked up on it immediately and surprisingly welcomed me. We went on several dates. I fell quickly in love the stallion. It wasn’t until the changelings attack the capital that we got separated.

An announcement came from the Royal Guard telling us that the Princess would be late. (We learned later that another Princess in Ponyville was still recovering from her 'little' episode last week, and the solar diarch needed to make multiple visits to her in order to keep everypony safe.) Since we still had plenty of time, I suggested we share our stories about what happened to us after the attack. He suggested that I go first. I obliged him.

So after I couldn’t find him anymore, I had packed up my things and moved to what was supposed to be a peaceful country town. Instead it was full of crazy wannabe heroines who seemed to inspire trouble wherever they went. One even almost killed me in a prank. I was so happy when I got a letter from my love that I woke up the neighbor’s twin kids. Skipping the whole mailing incident, I was back in Canterlot for our loving reunion.

I had laughed at the end of my story but regretted that when I heard his. He and a lot of his family had gotten hurt during the attack. Many of them had lost everything they had built up in Canterlot and had to wander the countryside for scraps. When he told me that some of his family had starved to death, I could hardly believe it. Catastrophes happen all the time in Equestria. Whole towns have turned into trees for example. However, I had never heard of ponies just plain starving to death in modern Equestria. I felt deeply scandalized. He continued to tell me that, once he had his family settled again, he sent me a letter, hoping that I would still love him.

“I still love you, my silly stallion,” I declared after wiping some tears from eyes.

“I know that more than you can even imagine.”

His eyes flashed green again. He should probably get that checked by a physician. It could be some weird disease.

Before I could say anything, he hushed me. Everypony was ready for the sun rise, and rise it did. It was glorious. I don’t think I had ever seen anything so bright before. I was so happy to see it with my love at the time.

A few days later, my favorite stallion was helping me up the steps and into his house. I swore silently to myself.

“I will never stare directly into the sun.”

Comments

[LucidDreamer]

Well this was just marvelous.

[Knowledge]

8486903
Glad you liked it!

I wanted to start small to get back into the swing of things. I am so exhausted by protagonists who seemed to be almost omniscient. I like layering different perspectives into the story. I especially enjoy making comedy out of what the reader knows but the protagonist doesn't.

Stay tuned the next couple days as more stories are coming that are longer. I actually had a bonus chapter planned for this story called "The Coup Leader". I could probably whip that up quickly if this story gets enough attention.

[LordBucket]

I designed the story in order to teach a writer for whom I edit that you don't need to use the character's name all the time

This is far more notable for the subtleties. Cadence in particular is presented with an especially amusing perspective shift. Though I admit there are a few things going on here that I don't understand.

What was the significance of Celestia's presence at the end of chapter one? She seems to teleport in for no obvious reason and then the chapter ends.

What happened at the end of chapter two, and why? There's a great deal going on here that doesn't seem to make very much sense. Your protagonist doesn't seem to realize that the "pink Earth pony mare" is the same "pink pony with a puffy mane" who's been helping him. That's fine. Not knowing things is very consistent with the themes in play. But for him to look at her and not recognize her seems to imply that Pinkie holding the sign is straight-maned depressed Pinkie. Which doesn't make much sense, and isn't consistent with what she's doing. At the same time, it seems implied that Pinkie and Rainbow Dash are working together to pull a prank. Ok, that's fine. But what exactly is the prank? Telling him to not look down and then knocking him over so he looks down? I'm not really seeing a prank here. You seem to be going for a Loony-Toons style joke of being able walk on air until you realize you're doing it. Ok...I guess. But that doesn't seem like Pinkie and Dash doing a prank. Obviously they didn't plan for him to take and not take all the required actions, without any input from them, to get the machine off the dock. So what's supposed to be going on?

Also, the date sequence is unclear. You have "a mare" (Rarity?) incorrectly receiving the letter and showing up for a date. But the intended recipient is a stallion. Are we to infer that there was such a lack of detail in the letter that she couldn't even pick up the fact that it was intended for someone of a different gender? At the same time, it seems fairly clear that this is a long distance relationship. It's implied in chapter two that your protagonist lives in Ponyville, but goes to Las Pegasus so the "main post office" can deliver his letter...and apparently there's such a huge distance that weeks go by between his receipt of a return letter and his actually showing for a date that appears to be in Canterlot. We don't know where exactly that letter was delivered to, but clearly it was very far away. How is that consistent with the mailmare delivering his original letter to merely the "wrong address" and then casually showing up to a date locally without noticing that anything was amiss?

Why is the romantic relationship in the story between two stallions? You make it subtle enough that it seems like it's supposed to lead up to something clever, but then you don't do anything with it. Chapters two and three are clearly related, but chapter one doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the story. You have Celestia mysteriously appearing at the end of the first chapter, and then you give her name to the third chapter...but there doesn't seem to be any correlation.

There are a number of clever reference in this story and a few amusing cases of dramatic irony. But also a lot of stuff like the above that leave me wondering if you were simply throwing stuff at the wall without entirely thinking them through, hoping that something would stick.

[Knowledge]

8487131
Thanks for the criticism. A lot of it is fair.

What was the significance of Celestia's presence at the end of chapter one? 

In chapter one, Spike sends a letter to Celestia because he is concerned Twilight has lost it. We see he is concerned, and the protagonist gets a glimpse of green flame, which was him sending a letter.

The chapter ends with the protagonist not wanting to know. The reader might be able to guess that Celestia is there to calm the manic princess down.

What happened at the end of chapter two, and why? 

This is criticism is extremely fair because I was very sparse in my details. The protagonist walks off the dock onto the clouds. Cartoon logic ensues, and he doesn't fall as long as he doesn't look down. It might be because an elaborate prank is being put on him. The reader doesn't know and won't know. I did consider originally having it be a prank though. I just decided in the end to make it ambiguous and hope the 'don't question it' motto stuck.

It is an important aspect of the protagonist that he doesn't really question important things like he should. He doesn't want to know what happens to Twilight and he doesn't want to know what is up his coltfriend. This is symbolically suppose to extend to the idea that the reader doesn't need the author to spell things out for them for the meaning to be gotten. I might have taken this too far it seems.

How is that consistent with the mailmare delivering his original letter to merely the "wrong address" and then casually showing up to a date locally without noticing that anything was amiss?

This is very fair. It was one point I had gripes about when writing it. It doesn't make much sense. The protagonist blames the local mailmare. He believes thinks that by going to the main hub in Las Pegasus, he can avoid the problem. A diligent reader will notice this is flawed logic because the local mailmare wouldn't have delivered the mail to the receiver due the long distance relationship. I decided to go with 'the protagonist isn't very bright' as my excuse.

I think if I rewrite this part of the scene, I will change it to mailmare drops the letter on the boutique door. I didn't say it was Rarity who got it and it wouldnt be in the current version given the long distance relationship. I don't remember saying whether the date was local or not, but I could be more specific.

Why is the romantic relationship in the story between two stallions? 

There are two consequences from this. First, he uses pet names for his love and that helps to explain why a mare would think he is in love with her. Practically speaking, the pet names would be tell that he isn't writing to you if you didn't understand them, but the mare was desperate and in a state she wanted to believe they were for her. The pet names were also a symbolic way to tell the writer who inspired this story to use other names and titles to refer to their characters instead of their name.

The second reason for the relationship being between two stallions is that it makes the letting down of the mare more awkward. I could drive this home more in chapter two.

Other than that I don't think I have to make anything special out of the relationship. It is already a relationship with a changeling. The fact that they both look like guys shouldn't matter.

Chapters two and three are clearly related, but chapter one doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the story. You have Celestia mysteriously appearing at the end of the first chapter, and then you give her name to the third chapter...but there doesn't seem to be any correlation.

Very fair. Chapter one was the original sketch and the two latter chapters came afterwards, so the lack of relation between the two parts is my fault. I could explain in the beginning that he has some chores to do before sending his mail in chapter one, and then they would be connected.

The Celestia of chapter three, which I accidentally named, was originally going to be late to the summer sun celebration because she was busy with Twilight. I scrapped this later because the date happens weeks after chapter two. I could still understandably connect chapter one and three together with that nod though.

Anyways, I am going to rewrite a few bits of the story thanks to your criticisms.