A Comedy in Three Lessons

by Knowledge

Purgatory

I spunned around a comical number of times before falling on my muzzle.

“Did anypony get the license plate on that rainbow?” my addled brain managed to sputter. Either nopony heard me or cared because nopony responded to my near fatal accident. One could safely assume the latter as the daredevil’s antics had long ago become part of the background of the small pony village. Or should I say the foreground as everypony else fell into the background?

After I recovered, I sighed. This day would definitely try my patience, for the Las Pegasus Head Post Office lay ahead of me. As an earth pony, I didn’t have easy access to the cloud city. Luckily, I believed I had a secret superpower.

“I wish I had a flying machine,” I said in a conspicuous and loud manner while my eyes were closed. Like always, the ponies of the village just ignored my display of supernatural might. One Canterlot, two Canterlot, three Canterlot…

I turned around dramatically, catching a pink blur for a moment. Lo and behold, there was a bicycle that had been altered with propellers, wings, and helium balloon in order to fly. It had definitely not been there before. My superpower could make anything I wish appear as long as I said my wish out loud, closed my eyes, and counted to three. As I approached the contraption, I swore I could hear some obnoxious giggling and see a bit of a pink mane inside a bush. I paid it no mind, being happy that my superpower worked so wonderfully.

The flying contraption took a lot of work just to get off the ground, but soon I found myself making decent speed towards the city of the pegasi with my mail in my saddlebags.

By the time I arrived at the Equestrian post office, it was noon. I couldn’t stand on any of the clouds, but there was a wooden dock in front of the government building. A few parking spots remained as several other ponies had had the same idea as I and brought a flying machine. I struggled to get off my flying contraption as equal and opposite forces caused it to move as I did. Fortunately, the pegasi had put all these posts for us non-fliers to use in order to keep balance. I reduced the helium in my machine so it wouldn’t float higher without my weight after I was securely on the dock.

Satisfied with my adjustment, I entered the post office and a pink plot welcomed me. For the third time that day, I sighed. The line was literally to the door.

It didn’t help that the pony in front of me had a small foal whose emotions fluctuated from cute oogoo's to loud wha's in a matter of seconds. The mother, to her credit at least, looked embarrassed for the first thirty minutes we waited in line but inevitably gave up. There is a point in every parent’s life when they just go to a far away place while a foal cries in their hooves. This pink pony with a blue heart cutie mark had finally found that place. Unfortunately for me, I hadn’t.

Between tears of unreasonableness, the mare and I had a conversation to pass the time. She told me how her life had been planned for her. When the time had come, the princess had married her off to her most loyal guard and then sent her to some foreign kingdom that had reappeared. The princess’s protege staged a coup and put her in charge of this new kingdom, effectively making it and her a puppet of Equestria. Since they still didn’t have a functional postal service that went to the rest of Equestria, she had to fly all the way to Las Pegasus to do her own mail. She would have sent a servant, but she was looking for any excuse to get out of the dead former king’s castle. Nopony could blame her, and I sure couldn’t. Life is tough for princesses too, it seems.

I shared my story. It wasn’t as remarkable, but she seemed very interested in it anyways. I explained that I had recently sent a letter to my secret love, but the local mailmare had dropped it on a dressmaker's doorstep. In other words, my letter didn't reach Appleloosa, where my love lived, much less leave Ponyville. The recipient had gotten all dolled up for ‘our date’ in a fancy Canterlot restaurant only to be told that it was all an accident. Her mascara had ran down her face as she detailed how I was a ‘monster’ for ‘playing’ with her feelings like this. The poor mare had a lot of bad luck in love and thought I was just another stallion taking advantage of her. It didn't help that I had told her that I didn't find her attractive.

I sighed again at the memory. Lessons learned: 1) Don’t send a letter without the actual name of the recipient, 2) don’t use local postal service for important mail. 3) and never tell somepony they are not attractive.Not wanting to have a repeat of last time, I decided to go all the way to the main postal office in Las Pegasus.

After I told my story, the pink mare started to ask me all about my real love. Her foal began to cry due to her lack of attention for better or worse. Probably worse, that kid has pipes.

Despite rumors to the contrary, it didn’t take us forever to reach the counter. I gave my package to the monotone and mechanically polite employee and promptly left.

Outside my flying machine had drifted away during the trial that is a line in a government building. Not thinking, I walked off the dock and made a few steps to my vehicle before a rainbow passed by me again and almost made me trip. Another pink mare, an earth pony, appeared in a hot air balloon with a sign that said: “Whatever you do, Don’t Look Down!” I almost did that when she took out another sign which said: “Don’t question it!”

Not question it I did. It was like my special talent. I touched my cart when the speeding rainbow knocked me off my feet. I swear if that was a pony, he should be sent to Tartarus for criminal recklessness and endangerment of ponies. For the second time that day, I tripped. My vision turned downwards as I did so. Whatever magic holding me in the air (another superpower perhaps?) wore off, and I began to plummet.

Clinging to the flying machine for dear life, my almost hopeless body dangled at a lethal height above Equestria's soil. My parents always warned me that the sky was any place for an earth pony. I didn't listen! The pink pony with a puffy mane was too far away to help and the rainbow contrail seemed oblivious to the havoc it caused in its wake. The adrenaline high gave me the strength to pull myself fully onto seat of the flying machine.

At this point, I had descended several meters due my added weight. I threw off some ballast (my saddlebags and a few decorative items that adorned the aircraft). Despite my efforts, I hadn’t gotten enough off before needing to take control and prevent a complete catastrophe. My very sudden and very photogenic crash (on hay, upside down) made it to the papers the next day. I later discovered that the whole cloud walking incident and the rampaging rainbow were all part of some elaborate prank designed to punish me for upsetting their friend.

After the day, I swore: “I will never forget to tie my aircraft to a post after leaving it.”