A unicorn named Peppermint Frost. She was from Canterlot, the capital of Equestria, and was taught in the same school Twilight Sparkle was taught in. She had a remarkable childhood and an exciting life, and she cherished it.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 2nd Aug, 2017
- offline last seen March 5th
Peppermint Frost
“What is life, without a little risk?” ~ Sirius Black
Peppermint Frost
Joined 2nd Aug, 2017 ·
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Good so far just to let you know there are a few errors. But not to push you forward this is your first story.
Interesting so far can’t wait for the next chapter keep it up!
8533287
Oh don't hesitate to point it out!
I am a human after all!
And pushing you forward are what friends are for
Oh ok then very well the red is for correction my friend.
Since this story is published I will comment the mistakes and it’s more faster.
8534319
All fixed!
Thanks a lot!
You know, I'm supposed to be your editor. Weird right?!
This was cute, I'm interested in seeing more.
8596303
This is good. Chapters are a little short in my opinion, but it's still good none the less. Keep it up!
All in all the first chapter wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. I did notice this had several chapters already, so I'll get around to those at some point. Right, I got off tangent, again. This didn't have many details, nor did it have outstanding characters. The characters, like the chapter, aren't bad -- but they aren't great, either.
There were also several, basic errors: from missing punctuation to misplacing characters (letters, numbers) to even capitalization errors. I'll cover what I can, but I'm sure I will miss somethings. You did do a decent job at the grammar side of things, I will admit.
First things first, punctuation: there were several points were you completely missed or used the wrong punctuation mark. When there is a piece of dialogue, "That also has a description, then they are connected through a comma." That was the main thing, I've actually managed to forget the other... so...
Up next is misplacing character: there was one in particular that caught my eye as soon as I got to it, misplacing the quotation mark. I'll grab the text to make it easy.
The quotation mark is moved next to the descriptor, when it should be with the dialogue. Also, you could add in where she is pointing (if she is pointing), and describe which way the corridor is... that kind of thing. More detail, it helps to paint the scene.
The last of what I wanted to talk about is, capitalization: street names need to be capitalized, and there are a few places that need Mother and Daughter to be capitalized (maybe others); as a reference, when referring to a relative if possessive (my brother) then it is lowercased, however, if left as non-possessive (a skinny Brother... the Brother) then it is capitalized.
Lastly (the real last), I wanted to show a little of what detail can do. I'll use a paragraph from the text and just rewrite it, keeping to the original wording as much as I can:
Mint lead the way up a set of smoothly cut marble steps, while her daughter followed half a pace behind; both were admiring the view, tall granite pillars supporting the decorative overhang, elegant carvings rested on pristine podiums, and the double-doors cut from the finest of wood with a clear polish finish. Once inside, they found a high ceiling complete with a masterfully painted tapestry adorning the myriad of colors. On the ground ponies rustled from one place to the next, and it took a moment for the two mares to find their way to a large crescent wood desk. A mare sat behind it shuffling and sorting through papers, eventually she looked up a welcoming smile beamed back to them.
Er... maybe I changed things a little too much, but this is this. I'll see you in the next chapter, along with a comment.
8625143
Wow. I seriously need someone like you. You really helped! I'll make sure to keep use of your points. Thanks!
Between the desk? Um... I'll try to do a visual of that: "Legend: T is a column, L is part of the desk." LTTL See the problem there? The columns are quite crushing. (Had to get that out of the way, great opening paragraph! The picture is distracting, but nothing too bad.)
Alright, I'd say this chapter was better than the last. Still some problems, but it did much better. One of my main concerns just so happens to be the formatting you are using. At two different points you combined paragraphs or spaced out something that shouldn't have been. The first example being the exchange between Peppermint and Celestia, the second sentence... er, third sentence is moved to the next line; with the line from Peppermint being directly below it rather makes it seem like one whole paragraph.
Be sure to properly space things. The other part was right at the end. Lily Mint (Mint) arrived to take Peppermint home, before asking how her day was... to which the answer comes -- but instead of being a new paragraph it is dropped down right below. You could have even done into Mint asking instead of just mentioning it. A good rule of "thumb" (fetlock for the pony version) would be this: "Show don't tell." It doesn't work in every situation, but it is just something to keep in mind. Summarizing events is an example of a "tell time"; while a conversation between two characters is usually a "show time" (lol -- I did not mean to make it say that).
There were also a few points you could have expanded, I'll grab them and list 'em: "This school was one she had been yearning to attend since she was little." Why was she yearning to attend since she was little? That could have a paragraph or two by itself, or maybe a spot later in the story. "Her teacher however, didn't seem too happy about her reading that one." How was it Peppermint noticed? Expand that some, as it is strange to just note that someone doesn't like something; perhaps mention that the teacher gave a questioning look, or something along that line. An explanation, that's it! "When her mother Lily Mint came to pick Peppermint up, she asked her how school was." How did Mint arrive, was she on-time or late, and what happened when she got there? As it is we know she arrived, and asked Peppermint a question. But that is it.
An error would be a missing comma. I'll grab and mark the sentence, blue for the fix: "Her teacher, however, didn't seem too happy about her reading that one." I'd honestly say that it would flow better with adding the word 'all' right before 'too'; that is just my thought. I didn't notice anything else... maybe I missed them? Maybe there aren't any others? I don't know.
Back to the picture. Lyra! I found you~ Er... right! While the picture does help to paint the picture (heh) it helps to not rely on it to show the readers the scene. It will be so much more worthwhile to be able to describe the scene and let the rest fall into the readers imaginations. The extra room is something that really helps to get a reader invested (at least for me, I'll have to ask others to see if it is the same for them). I will also add that sometimes a picture is a fun thing to see, however, it falls into the same thing. Let me just put it a different way: The picture should help show the scene, not define it.
Finally, I wanted to address character: Celestia is easy going (especially for a Princess) yet she seems a little too lax in this chapter, and she is motherly. I mention the latter because she would be benevolent as she teaches classes, yet something I have noticed is that she keeps to a certain formality; or rather she doesn't stop others from doing so unless they are on the same status (i.e. Twilight once she became a princess) -- otherwise I don't see her telling somepony to be less formal. The opposite can be said as well: if the pony starts without formalities... would she ask them to address her with formalities? I do not know.
I'll be seeing you in the next chapter... and silly me forgot to mention. Feel free to ask questions, or reach out for help if you ever need me. I'll respond as soon as I notice that there is a message (and the time it takes to write it). Anyways, I'll be off for now. Almost forgot, again. You're welcome, it was my pleasure to be of assistance.
Another chapter done, another chapter closer to the end (until more chapters come out). Like many things I have something to say about this one; redundant word choice, and characterization; honestly, I don't have too much to... complain about. This chapter has shown to be much better in some regards.
Let's cover word choice and why I added redundant to it. "Her house, which was quite next to the Crystal Empire, was quite like a library--" This part of the writing is the thing that falls under my focus the most; "was quite" is added in such a redundant (able to be omitted without loss of meaning) choice, that it has become a distraction. I had to go back and reread the sentence to make sure I read it correctly. It messes with the flow of the story's structure that it would only be beneficial to change it. Something along the way of: "Her house, which rested near the Crystal Empire, was much like a library--" that is just one variation that could help improve it. Try different things, but remember to keep things natural.
Next up is one that will be... difficult to talk about, characterization; mostly it has to deal with the dialogue between Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle about the time at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It doesn't quite read right. I didn't get too much sense of emotion behind it (I'm not saying it is bare), yet it also doesn't play out how the characters would really be talking -- Twilight is a grammar-horse, and Pinkie is an upbeat happy-go-lucky type. Twilight's lines would read as being grammatically correct (in speech) and Pinkie... well... Pinkie is Pinkie (I'm sorry that I can't help too much with her). I'll rewrite one of the lines that stick out the most:
"That would be Moondancer, Minuette, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Icicle, and I; along with Princess Celestia of course."
It is clear and to the point. The type of thing that Twilight would under normal circumstances use; also she knows Pinkie would know the Princess, everypony knows the Princess. Depending on when this takes place, she may or may not know that Pinkie knows the others, it all depends on when this takes place in canon (the series).
I'm just going to make the assumption that "Icicle" would be Peppermint. Anyway, I am wondering what happened at the school that would cause such a turn of events to unfold for this chapter. I am also expecting (perhaps hoping is a better word) that Twilight visits with her old classmate. Before I leave, I better mention this: titles will have the first and last words capitalized along with any important words in-between (or you could go with all as some people do). Until the next chapter.
fare
Fare
Interesting chapter. Nice metaphor you put in there.
I liked it, keep it up! 👍🏻
8747263
Actually...
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Crystal_Faire
8747265
Thanks!
Which metaphor do you mean?
Like a cokatrice. That’s a metaphor.
8748164
Oh that. Hehe, first thing that came to my mind.
8747441
8747263
To be a bit more precise, the spelling should be fair or faire. Fare doesn't really work in the situation that I can only guess this refers towards (I haven't read the latest two chapters yet).
Fair refers to "a collection stalls and amusements for public entertainment." Which would be like going to a festival or an amusement park.
Faire refers to "a renaissance festival." Which is where fairs came from to begin with; which means that it is also the acceptable spelling.
Fare could work as well, but not quite: "performance or entertainment of a particular style." booths (also known as stalls) can give a performance or entertainment of a particular style.
What I'm getting at is that it can be any of them, to be honest, but the main one you should want to use is one of the first two (which you did use).
8763616
Honestly, Faire just sounded right to me. I don't know which one's more appropriate, faire or fair?
Well, I didn't check on that.
8763628
They both work. But if it is based off the Crystal Faire, then you'd want to use the appropriate version (the one that it was used with).
I seem to have put this off for a little too long; there is another chapter already. I was going to try and be caught up before then. Well... I'll have more to look forward to later then. I can't really say I focused too much on the way things were written (there were a few things I noticed). I'll cover those, but I will add that things have been improving.
It feels like you used "Suddenly," far too often; that one is just me (perhaps). Rereading, I have to take that back. It is used too much. It reads much like this: "Insert a sentence here. Suddenly, an insert is placed here." It's nice that things are consistent, but they just come off as off-putting. Hmm... I don't have any suggested fixes or changes to make right now.
All in all there isn't much to say about this chapter. The father died and there was a war with the dragons. I guess the best thing would be: what started the war? How did it turn out? Is it still going? How long did it last? And just other general questions about it. I suppose those could be answered somewhere else (unless Peppermint wants to do something). Anywho, I'll see you in the next chapter... whenever I get around to it.
8763739
Could you give an example of a sentence in that manner, so I'll be able to make changes to it and the like?
8765217
Sure thing.
Example #1:
Example #2:
Example #3:
Example #4:
Each of those are all the times you used 'em. They aren't exactly bad, but with the length of the chapter it comes off as overused.
'Crystal' shouldn't be capitalized here.
'heart' should be capitalized here.
I think it would help if you added 'she' after the word 'before'. It would look like this: "Peppermint coughed on the juice suddenly before she turned pale." It would help a bit.
'princess' should be capitalized as it is in place of Twilight's name.
This was a fun chapter. I can't wait to see what happens between the two next.
Twilight and her being old school friends, and the fact they spent so much time together should prove to make a rather fun chapter. I am almost tempted to say I'd like to see the time they spent together in the past, but that is up to you (and no, it is not a must). All in all, this chapter was rather eventful; I'm almost surprised that so much can be packed inside of a chapter of this length.
With the emotional development, I hope things will be able to be handled well, it'd be such a shame to see something that has promise be done poorly; but I have my hopes that they'll be done well enough. I'll be off, until the next chapter.