It was a sunny day in Canterlot, and the sound of chirping birds filled the crisp, morning air. In a big house, somewhere on riverside street, a young unicorn filly was eating her breakfast wearily. She yawned and set her pancakes aside, and tried to reach for the milk carton.
Her father lowered his newspaper and frowned. “Peppermint darling, what use is that horn on your head, hmm?”
Peppermint scowled, while shakily levitating the milk carton with her white aura. She poured the creamy milk on her glass, and tried to stuff her pancakes down her throat at the same time. A creamy white pegasus stepped down the stairs and stared at Peppermint in amusement.
"Ahem..." Lily Mint cleared her throat.
Peppermint blushed and kept her head down, while her father chuckled heartily.
After breakfast, Peppermint ran upstairs and began putting books inside a saddlebag. Her mother was waiting at the door.
She shouted, "Dear, you really must hurry up, you’re going to be late for school!”
Peppermint galloped downstairs with a saddlebag over her back and a grin on her face.
Lily soared through the air and Peppermint was on her back. The mare spotted a large building and glided down. When she reached the ground, she lowered Peppermint and they both trotted over to what looked liked a grand academy. Right next to it stood the west tower of Canterlot castle, glimmering in the sun.
The Mother and Daughter entered the building, trotting on the marble floor tiles, when they approached a large antique wooden double-door. Lily hesitantly shoved it, and both she and Peppermint walked in to a fairly sized hall. They were greeted with a sunshine of colors that were reflected from the stained glass windows on either side of the hall. Beautiful paintings and tapestries were hung near the ceiling, and a glass staircase led up towards it. Ponies were bustling here and there, some of them hurrying along a corridor at the corner of the hall, while others were carrying trunks and boxes with their magic.
While Peppermint gaped at her surroundings, Lily walked over to what seemed like the reception desk, where an elderly pony with glasses was ruffling through files and papers. She looked up and noticed the mare, and smiled warmly.
“Here for registration?” She asked.
Lily replied, “Yes, my daughter Peppermint Frost will be joining in."
“Peppermint Frost...” she pondered, ”Half a minute, dearie,” she added sweetly, while rummaging through her papers again. "Ms. Peppermint Frost of Riverside street, yes?"
Lily nodded, then asked Peppermint, who had appeared next to her, "Let’s get to your class dear, we don't want to be late.”
“Her classroom is next to the biology lab, down the further end of the corridor." The mare with glasses explained, gesturing towards said corridor.
That is how Peppermint Frost remembered her first day at Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns.
Good so far just to let you know there are a few errors. But not to push you forward this is your first story.
8533287
Oh don't hesitate to point it out!
I am a human after all!
And pushing you forward are what friends are for
Oh ok then very well the red is for correction my friend.
Since this story is published I will comment the mistakes and it’s more faster.
All in all the first chapter wasn't bad, it wasn't good either. I did notice this had several chapters already, so I'll get around to those at some point. Right, I got off tangent, again. This didn't have many details, nor did it have outstanding characters. The characters, like the chapter, aren't bad -- but they aren't great, either.
There were also several, basic errors: from missing punctuation to misplacing characters (letters, numbers) to even capitalization errors. I'll cover what I can, but I'm sure I will miss somethings. You did do a decent job at the grammar side of things, I will admit.
First things first, punctuation: there were several points were you completely missed or used the wrong punctuation mark. When there is a piece of dialogue, "That also has a description, then they are connected through a comma." That was the main thing, I've actually managed to forget the other... so...
Up next is misplacing character: there was one in particular that caught my eye as soon as I got to it, misplacing the quotation mark. I'll grab the text to make it easy.
The quotation mark is moved next to the descriptor, when it should be with the dialogue. Also, you could add in where she is pointing (if she is pointing), and describe which way the corridor is... that kind of thing. More detail, it helps to paint the scene.
The last of what I wanted to talk about is, capitalization: street names need to be capitalized, and there are a few places that need Mother and Daughter to be capitalized (maybe others); as a reference, when referring to a relative if possessive (my brother) then it is lowercased, however, if left as non-possessive (a skinny Brother... the Brother) then it is capitalized.
Lastly (the real last), I wanted to show a little of what detail can do. I'll use a paragraph from the text and just rewrite it, keeping to the original wording as much as I can:
Mint lead the way up a set of smoothly cut marble steps, while her daughter followed half a pace behind; both were admiring the view, tall granite pillars supporting the decorative overhang, elegant carvings rested on pristine podiums, and the double-doors cut from the finest of wood with a clear polish finish. Once inside, they found a high ceiling complete with a masterfully painted tapestry adorning the myriad of colors. On the ground ponies rustled from one place to the next, and it took a moment for the two mares to find their way to a large crescent wood desk. A mare sat behind it shuffling and sorting through papers, eventually she looked up a welcoming smile beamed back to them.
Er... maybe I changed things a little too much, but this is this. I'll see you in the next chapter, along with a comment.
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Wow. I seriously need someone like you. You really helped! I'll make sure to keep use of your points. Thanks!