Many years ago the captain of the Royal Guard was an Alicorn, his name was Cross Bone and he took pride in everything he did. But when his older brother performed an act so terrible and so vile that the only punishment available was exile, Princess Celestia decided that Cross Bone would have to go with him incase he to was plotting to perform such a horrid act.
This story takes place around 3 years after Luna's return from the moon, and around 300 years since the two brothers exile.
Yes I know some people don't like Alicorn OC's, but all will be explained so be patient ;) Besides Cross Bone isn't and over powered pony.
Contains light shipping, possible swearing and the odd violent scene.
Chapters (2)
Little confusing in the beginning but will read on to see it become more clear with the development of this story.
Oh Celestia. That picture alone made me happy there was only one chapter to read through. Two oversaturated generator alicorns with distinctive features up the plot.
Okay. Here we go.
You are in SEVERE need of an editor. I cannot stress this strongly enough. As the story stands now, the lack of proper grammar and punctuation are enough to make readers' faces cringe in disgust. There are plenty of editors avaliable in FimFiction groups, which you can go to if you don't have a friend you could ask to proofread/edit.
Let's move on. Formatting. Space out and indent all of the paragraphs. My eyes are hurting from this wall of clustered text.
Plot hole #1. You never seem to properly introduce the pony living with Twilight. All that you have told me is that he seems to be a slightly sassy unicorn colt. As this character is not introduced in the show, it makes it hard for readers to connect without a more detailed description. If this character won't be getting a major role in the plot later on, I suggest you scrap the concept, and focus on other parts of the plot. If you intend to keep him, give people some background information.
Plot hole #2. When the royal guard reports the two brothers to Celestia, he seems to know quite a lot more than he should. According to you, these alicorns were not seen for 300 years. Yet this random background character seems to know a lot about them, while Celestia knows next to nothing. To me, this is completely illogical.
In the description, you state that you know that people don't like alicorn OCs. This being the case, why bother with two of them, much less one? Regardless of what you do, the fact that they are alicorns will make your OCs look like overused Mary Sue models witha different color schemes.
My final point shall be that of the cover image. I quite like the picture of the OCs. The two of them were fairly well drawn, even if they look very similar to each other. The real problem here can be seen when comparing these two alicorns to Luna, standing beside them. The style in which your OCs are drawn does not resemble Luna's art style at all. The hair, clothing and marks on their bodies have an anime-ish feel to them, while the wings are way too oversimplified. Remember: a good picture attracts more people. Find a better picture to use. It's perfectly fine even if your OCs aren't shown in it.
With that, I conclude my rant. I hope you consider most, if not all of these points when you write another chapter, or edit the existing one. Good day.
Oh dear god! Walls of text batman!
Congratulations to you. My utter apathy and indifference cannot spark the anger I am so well known for so I'll just stick with the condescending humor. The grammar and spelling isn't the worst thing I've seen on this site, but it does come in at a distant fourth which, as an author, should be very disconcerting. Also, the story is about Alicorns who have been exiled which generally heads towards a much darker prospect, yet you've pegged this as a love/adventure/Slice of life, which is not a very good decision. And the reason why, is because you'll have loss, love, and yada, yada, yada. There was a bit about a black unicorn in there but I couldn't read it because trying to decipher that was like trying to solve the mystery of what a Dadaist painting is supposed to resemble while on Industrial Strength Lysergic acid diethylamide. Or, acid for short, you know, the drug.
Coming back to our point here, I can't help but get the feeling that this story will be like all the riff-raff, but I can't put my finger on why I think that. Because of my indecision, you earn a free-pass. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to pull this out of your ass and make such a good fic that it will cream the pants of AbsolutelyAnonymous I don't know, and I don't really care. But hats to you if you pull this off correctly.
Overall?: Eh, if you really want to read it and find out where this story's heading, then fine by me, I see nothing but spelling and grammar+formatting wrong. Storytelling's okay, not optimal but better than the general greyish slush that passes for "new author literature" around here.
So yeah, all in all, it's okay.
923912
indentation irks me when its used on EVERY paragraph. the eyes read from the edge of the left to the right. not a little inward
I personally only ever use indentations (never here) as a means to portray a major transition. like a time skip or a start of a new arc. It was their original purpose that loads of fanfic writers seem to forget.
its just pretentious to indent every single fucking thing. like a kid with a new trick.
and lolololool hipster faggotry aplenty on this comment section.
924546 Indents can be used to start any new paragraph, even if the transition is minor. This is still very common today, especially in books. People are taught different ways, according to what country they learn English in. I was taught to indent each paragraph, and I'm assuming that you were taught not to.
I suspect the hipster faggotry is abundant almost everywhere on the Internet. It's summer. People browsing the web for non-work related uses are probably bored out of their minds, especially students with a completely blank schedule. We literally have nothing better to do.
924546
Just to note, it is proper to indent at the start of any new paragraph, regardless of major or minor transitions.. Anybody that is not indenting at the start of every paragraph is hopefully putting a full space between each paragraph (in which case indentation is not necessary).
Honestly, though, it is simply a stylistic point. College papers require indentation, but traditional published works and newspapers and other print format vary wildly in use of indentation or paragraph breaks. The most important thing is that each paragraph is clearly separated so as to avoid the "wall of text", and that the style is internally consistent within the work.
923912
ok, first off, thanks for letting me know about the grammer and what not, grammers not my strong point but I'll have a look around for a proof reader.
Plot hole 1: The unicorn colt will be introduced a little more later on. He will be more of a background charcter, but will be appearing from time to time, if you do want to know a bit more about his charcter, then I'll give you some. I have some info about him on my DA page if you want to look there.
Plot Hole 2: The guards would of probably read a little about the brothers from some data files or something. I'd say that everypony has a file with there details, in some archives somewhere in Canterlot. Celestia may not seem to know much at the moment, but she finds out more later, Cross Bone (the alicorn) May of been the Captain of the royal guard, but he and his brother where exiled 300 years ago, making it possible that she has forgot some of the info about the two.
I stated that some people don't like alicorn OC's because I've seen people rageing about them on DA and what not. Also, only one of the brotehrs is an Alicorn, the other is a unicorn. Cross Bone does have powerful magic, but like It says, his magic has lost its power over time. His wings are powerful, but yet he's not the fastest flyer. He was once a guard, he trained his magical abilities to protect other ponies, he can fly at speed but only for short spaces of time. Lets say that he can't fly like Rainbow, and his magic isn't as powerful as Twilight's. He will jot be a mary sue character, His personality has been sorted and I know what I'm doing..somewhat.
There brothers, there gonna be simarlar, scruffy mane and tail makes them look like they've been away a long time. (Or they could care less) Drawing isn't something I'm great at, I used a vector for Luna since I failed misarable at drawing her. I did vector the brotehrs myself though, I may try and make another picture, but fore now I don't have time to change it. Not sure if you can see, since the picture's quite small, but Cross Bone has red marks on his face, there supposed to be scars, the black is there because I though it looked quite nice. :) I can't draw wings, or at least not very well, When I first tryed to draw my ponysonas wings, they looked broken and just..meh... the image I have took a while to make. And like I said, I just don't have the time to change it.
This is my first fanfic, it took a while for me to work out the chacters desighns and the story line.
I hope this a good enough reply, I will try my best to get the grammer and spelling a little better next time. I'll also deal with the paragraphs
Good Day.
923657
Um..ok..only one of them is an Alicorn, but don't worry, it'll get better :)
923377
This is probably the only posative response I've had, and I thank you
924343
Ok, first off, it's not gonna be a love lose etc etc kind of story, Maybe it'll get better, I don't know, maybe this will be one of the most popular stories on the site, I don't know and highly doubt it either. The black unicorn will be introduced more later on, I mean, he will be a minor character in this but he will be named and what not. Grammar and spelling is defiantly not my strong point, and I did proof read this myself a few times before posting. Only one of the brothers is an Alicorn, and the 'plan' that the older of the two mentioned is what the plot is based on, you'll see.
I'll admit that 'Adventure' may be pushing it slightly, I'll see how it progresses :)
All in all, thank you for your opinon and your comment in general. I hope this is good enough as a reply.
You know I'm gonna track just because I know you can fix this and do better
927515
Thank you, I shall not let you down
927229
Regardless, those colour schemes are giving me heart palpitations. Oversaturation is a mistake many people make and it does detract from my first impressions of the story.
928120
I thought they where ok..hmm..so Cross Bone is blue and red and black, and his brother is dark red, with lighter red markings. Do you know what I could change? 'Cos if so I'll happerly take your ideas so I can improve my story and characters.
About the formatting and editing
Here's some text at random:
About a month later, the young Alicorn was reading the local newspaper when he saw a familiar face on the front page, he read though the article, and was shocked at what it said. Before he could say anything or get his head round it, he was called into the throne room. He put the paper down and walked threw the corridor, trying not to show any feelings about what he had just read.
"You called for me Princess." he said calmly as he walked into the room.
"Yes, as you've probably read Captain, your brother has been arrested for performing an act that I will not mention. I'm afraid the only punishment is exile." Celestia said calmly. The alicorn closed his eyes and thought for a moment before replying.
"Very well Princess. I too believe that is the only punishment, but where will he be sent?" the alicorn asked.
Notice how the extra line between the paragraphs makes it easier to read. I recommend reading the Editor's Omnibus for advice on grammar and other things.
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On the picture.
isn't 100% saturated. Twilight's highlight (
) is the only example I can think of for a saturated colour right now.
i.imgur.com/94tCL.png
In this version all I've done is lower most of the colour's saturation values to ~80% (except the cloak thing, which warranted a 90). Notice how he's already looking closer in style to Luna than he did before. This is because in the show, there aren't many ponies with overly saturated colours on them, even pinkie
One more thing. Remember that when making ponies, less is more. Each member of the Apple family has one accessory and Applejack is still the best pony.
932753
Thank you for your help, I've edited the story and shall be updating this chapter soon :)
As the for the chacter, I shall see what I can do, thank you for helping me, it really means alot, I guess I didn't think about the fact that in the show the ponies colours arn't as brightly coloured.
Thanks again