TheSleeplessOne
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Working on the next chapter now. The fic is not going a Fallout Equestria route, I just enjoy a good reference. Expect to see alot more pertaining to the core of the story in the next chapter and the one after. After that, unless I find more needing telling, it'll begin the 6 arc split.
Oh my, that plot twist.
That was my favorite part to write. More to come. Next chapter is being worked on.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Anyone reading this remember, I need your input to decide which of the Mane 6 gets the first arc!
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What do you mean by that?
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I meant the inclusion of it during the first two chapters is a nod to it rather than where this fic is going. Doubly so after realizing my title template is the same as theirs.
I'd hate to gain readers on that premise only to disappoint later.
This fic, hopefully, will end up with six separate universe stories each focusing on one of the Mane 6. Which of those 6 comes first is up to the readers. I will do a prequel chapter for each universe should there be enough interest in them. There will be interlude chapters though out focusing on the main universe.
A bit of a long answer, but I hope it was the one you were looking For! Thanks for the question.
Gonna go ahead and drop this here too, for more exposure.
Strawpoll is up for which AU universe you want to see first. Applejack is still out of the running, but her storyboard is filling in nicely. She will be last just due to some fantastic ideas that keep coming from the editors *And the other's are practically set and ready to be written*.
Strawpoll - http://www.strawpoll.me/13781247
Please take time to vote! For more information see Thursday's blog post!
Thanks for reading! Reply to this comment or PM me with any questions you have! I'll do my best to answer them in a timely manner.
Here for any questions, folks.
Sounds interesting, will check out soon.
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Appreciate your interest in the story. Chapter 3 is coming tomorrow and chapter 4 not long after.
First!
But, in all seriousness, any questions can be addressed to me.
Huzzah! We've hit 100+ views. So I'll ponder this to you.. Is there any interest in small prequels regarding the AUs? Give a comment on it if that is something you would want (or PM if you are shy).
To elaborate, I've tried to build a complex backstory for each of the AUs we'll be seeing and it is not always natural to tell those tales in flashbacks. Small prequels that show the rise or fall of the worlds visited would be the answer. I only want them if y'all want them though! At specific intervals they would replace the weekly update, following the completion of each arc.
On that note, it is also time to start voting again so I can prepare for the next character. That doesn't mean Pinkie Pie is done yet, oh no, but Fluttershy is next in line unless she gets voted down. So vote for who's world you want to see next!
http://www.strawpoll.me/13781247
Please don't vote for Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy will lose her one vote if I remake the poll, I'm not real familiar with strawpoll
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Edit: Someone already jumped in and voted for Twilight, so it's now a tie! I hope to see more votes, it's exciting
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Double Edit?!: We have more votes coming in on the straw poll. Thank you so much! We now have a THREE way tie between Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rarity! You guys are gonna make it hard to prepare in advance this time huh
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Well looks like we've hit 10 likes/upvotes on the story. Thank you to everyone who has done so! As my first story I wasn't sure how it would go down, but things are looking good. I only wish I had a bit more feedback from you all. My assumption currently is the story is pacing well, characters are fitting what you'd expect, and that it has enough draw to keep you reading. If any of that is untrue, please, take the time to tell me in the comments. Hell, if its true, tell me in the comments.
We are still tied between Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity for the next arc. If you haven't voted in the strawpoll, it only takes a moment and helps me to get those prospective stories rolling out! Furthermore, I'd love to hear why folks are voting for who they are! In the blog you'll find a short description of each of the arcs, a teaser if you will, for whats to come. Maybe that will help you decide.
Strawpoll! http://www.strawpoll.me/13781247
Either way, thanks for reading, commenting, voting, and anything else you've done for the story!
So we are now four chapters, technically five, in with little to no feedback. I know we aren't mainstream but I'd like to hear from my readers. We also haven't gotten further votes on the next arc. I can't twist your arm of course not is feedback required. It simply makes it more difficult to improve the story. I'm not gonna stop anytime regardless. I don't bite... much, so come hang out in the comments
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A side note. Just meeting your readers is fun. Those of you who have pm'd are just as welcome as the commenters
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I've redone the poll with a fresh start since we were sitting at a four way tie anyway!
http://www.strawpoll.me/14023693
Come out and vote. It can be anonymous or you can tell me why you voted for who you did in the comments section! If you voted in the last poll, feel free to do so again. It was essentially reset due to perfect split voting among the remaining four.
Hiya there!
I found your thread on I Just Want A Comment so I went ahead and posted here for ya.
The first thing I should bring up is that you're quite good at your grammar and punctuation. Your proofreader did a very good job at looking over your work, so I commend them greatly for that. Good grammar and punctuation is a sign of a great author.
The next thing I really liked about this was your portrayal of the Mane 6. Aside from some minor comma usage, it all sounds very believable and in-character, which is essential for writing fanfictions about them. One of the easiest way to spoil an otherwise amazing story is a poor grasp on the characters used. It can very easily break immersion if someone like Rainbow Dash suddenly becomes shy or submissive (which you see quite a lot in romance fanfictions *coughcough*).
There are some major flaws I'm seeing through that could be attributing to the lack of comments, and that is a) your conflict, and b) your engagement with the reader.
So, the conflict itself is a pretty interesting topic. Someone using the mirror to the human world as a weapon of destruction sounds like a rather badass idea. There's a lot of implications with messing with that mirror, and it can set the stage for a really awesome story. Unfortunately, your presentation isn't the greatest.
The first sentence of your prologue is very telling of this.
Now once again, the idea is very spot-on. Not only does cracking in the mirror sets up your initial conflict, but it also doubles as a metaphor for Equestria. By this mirror being damaged (or as we later see, sabotaged), it's forming cracks in Equestria, in our Mane 6, in potentially their friendships and relationships. It's a very solid place to start your story.
The sentence itself though is very awkward. In "Cracks had formed", you use the past perfect tense, which is far more complex than just the past tense. You use the phrase "growing and becoming visible" which itself is also a very awkward sentence. It breaks the flow and disrupts any reading rhythm that you may have been trying to establish before. "in the mirror Twilight used to visit another universe", while being very descriptive, also lacks a consistent flow or rhythm.
All of this in the very first sentence of your story, arguably the most important one since it'll be the one that either hooks the reader in, or the one they'll set your story down on. Compare this first line to some of the best opening lines in novels to this date:
All of these also set up an initial conflict like yours (mystery, desire, hypocrisy), but their presentation is incredibly powerful. Even the last one which, is by the most awkward of the three examples that I bought up, has a flow and a rhythm to it.
This theme of awkward sentence structure and long, drawn-out sentences reoccurs throughout your story. Here are a few examples:
You attempt to squeeze far too much detail in one sentence. And despite your attempts of using commas to mediate this, it's still far too much and comes off awkward and clunky. I suspect this might be one of the biggest reasons why your story isn't as read as it is. You have an incredible conflict, great grammar and punctuation, and a believable cast of lovable characters to play with to your heart's desire. All of these are great; it's just your presentation of it that's lacking.
Sadly the bulk of your awkward sentences are toward the beginning of your prologue. That gives it the greatest chance of dissuading your readers from reading the rest of your awesome story.
To fix this, I definitely recommend breaking up your sentences. Pick up a novel or a great fan fiction writer's work. See how they structure their sentences. Their lines might be punchy and straight to the point, not dancing around or drawing out sentences like you do throughout your story. The first few lines from my upcoming work might serve as an example:
Not only do I establish a powerful initial conflict, the desire to take over the world, but I reinforce and back this theme up with powerful, punchy sentences, all with a good flow and rhythm to it. It's not jarring or drawn-out like how your sentences can be.
There are some other minor things that might be dissuading your readers such as ambitious content goals (stories with BIG universe-changing goals can be intimidating to read) and main character listing just for the sake of listing (Rainbow Dash does this, Twilight wakes up and does that, Pinkie Pie...), but I feel that the main reason is your presentation through your sentence structure.
I think you have a lot of skill and a TON of potential in this story. But without powerful first lines (and subsequently, a powerful first chapter), it falls flat before it can show the reader that.
Tl;dr: Great grammar, awesome conflict, and a firm grasp on the main characters and their personalities. Awkward sentence structure takes away from the presentation of this story though, which may be the reason why it isn't as read as I feel it should be.
Thanks!
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This is what I need, dear readers. This fine person has given me alot of thought on my story structure and I plan to go back and fix this. Or at least attempt to. Please feel free to point out flaws. I find negative feedback just as important as positive!
A large thank you to you as well. The way this is presented gives me good groundwork to fix these issues. I have a second editor who came on board just yesterday. Hopefully, he is as masterful at this as you seem to be.
The beginning chapters are being edited based on that fine feedback. Give them another read and see how you like them!
Hello!
I have reviewed your story. As always, I thank you for the hard work, time, and effort you have put into the creation of this story, and I hope this review helps you out in your wonderful writing escapades. If you need additional information or assistance, be sure to let me know, and I'll do my best to help out wherever I can.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/211585/reviewers-cafe/thread/308771/reviews?page=8#comment/6286060
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Thank you so much for reviewing it! Despite my long hiatus, I AM still working on the story and this kind of information will only make it better. Holidays have been rough and I didn't want to keep giving excuses to you readers about why the story kept being delayed. Things have cooled down and work has resumed!
Despite 6/10 being a rejection, I couldn't have hoped for a better score. I'll work hard on getting it up to an accepted level.
~To anyone who reads this be sure to check out the group that reviewed this, Reviewers-Cafe. The review was very straightforward and fair.
on one hand I'm glad this is back, while on the other hand I'm sad because sweetie_belle is completely screwed.
well if there is greed growth then obviously there must be wrath growth, pinkamena is completely ****ed as her plot armor is failing her. Also a cursed kitchen knife caused this, sounds legit.
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I like that summary. I hate when logic is thrown out the window for characters like these. We came up with a system to deal with characters like Pinkamena. Without trying to dimish just how powerful she is we gave her rules to follow. You will see this come into play later.
As for Sweetie Belle, the title was just for her! If your a fan of her... wellllll that is what a multiverse is for.
Thanks for reading!
How come chapters one and two don't say who the POV is?
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A very fair question. This started out as an experimental story to test my aptitude for various genres. Each of the Mane 6 getting a different one. That changed once the scope of the story expanded... massively. Each of the Mane 6 arcs can be read in any order since they all happen simultaniously and the labels were to allow this without posting them as their own story.
We have batted around how to format this to where it wont be confusing. The first two chapters are best dubbed Prime. The main universe of the story but that would probably be confusing without context. Our current options are the labels you see, putting each arc as its own submitted story with various links to reach them, or trying to mix the events of prime into other chapters (removing the ability to read them in any order).
Back when the story was just getting started, we reached out for opinions on this but they were sparse. Feel free to suggest what would read best to you. This goes for anyone else reading!
Thanks!
For anyone confused about the new chapter it is chapter 5. It will host a (*New*) tag for one update to denote this. We finally decided that intermission chapters will come at random intervals until later in the story. It was this or dumping a few after every arc and I didn't feel that would allow enough flexibility in the length of the prime universe story.
Thanks, happy reading!