Starlight travels with Sunburst to an old abandoned unicorn settlement that predates the ruling era of the Two Sisters. They're searching for ancient lost spells but something "bad" happens to them and its up to their friends to figure out what's going on.
I wrote it on my phone during those boring trips to work. It was a lot shorter before I edited it on my computer. It reads like an anime, a very bad one, so you've been warned.
This is likely the first and only fanfic I'll make for MLP.
Chapters (8)
I really liked this story. It's hard to believe you wrote it on a phone during trips. Well done. :)
I was worried when you said you typed this on the phone, but it's really good and well paced. The description of coats as shades of grey threw me for a loop, though.
This was a fantastic story, it feels like you fit so much into it.
The biggest issue with this story is the formatting. There are two chief problems: The dialogue formatting, and the tense.
In regards to the dialogue formatting, here's an example:
This should read:
I cannot recommend this section of the FIM Fiction writing guide enough. It explains all of the important rules of dialogue punctuation and capitalization and does so concisely as well.
The other problem is the tense, in that the story is mostly written in present tense. Normally stories are written in past tense, as that looks the most natural, and indeed writing a story in present tense will often distract the reader because they're so used to past tense. But the story isn't even consistent with present tense narration, as it will lapse into past tense and then go back to present tense. The story really should have just been past tense the entire way through.
These two issues, unfortunately, were a big distraction from the story for me. It'd improve in quality considerably if the narration was consistently past tense and the dialogue formatting was corrected.
Cute story. Simple but well done.
This was a nice read, I had a lot of fun!
King sombra?