• Member Since 22nd Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2018

hironakamura


E

Starlight travels with Sunburst to an old abandoned unicorn settlement that predates the ruling era of the Two Sisters. They're searching for ancient lost spells but something "bad" happens to them and its up to their friends to figure out what's going on.

I wrote it on my phone during those boring trips to work. It was a lot shorter before I edited it on my computer. It reads like an anime, a very bad one, so you've been warned.

This is likely the first and only fanfic I'll make for MLP.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 7 )

I really liked this story. It's hard to believe you wrote it on a phone during trips. Well done. :)

I was worried when you said you typed this on the phone, but it's really good and well paced. The description of coats as shades of grey threw me for a loop, though.

This was a fantastic story, it feels like you fit so much into it.

The biggest issue with this story is the formatting. There are two chief problems: The dialogue formatting, and the tense.

In regards to the dialogue formatting, here's an example:

"Sunny hates it when you call him Wizard Horse." Interrupted Flash while still eating his pizza slice.

This should read:

"Sunny hates it when you call him Wizard Horse," interrupted Flash while still eating his pizza slice.

I cannot recommend this section of the FIM Fiction writing guide enough. It explains all of the important rules of dialogue punctuation and capitalization and does so concisely as well.

The other problem is the tense, in that the story is mostly written in present tense. Normally stories are written in past tense, as that looks the most natural, and indeed writing a story in present tense will often distract the reader because they're so used to past tense. But the story isn't even consistent with present tense narration, as it will lapse into past tense and then go back to present tense. The story really should have just been past tense the entire way through.

These two issues, unfortunately, were a big distraction from the story for me. It'd improve in quality considerably if the narration was consistently past tense and the dialogue formatting was corrected.

"You can't tell me what to do, you're just a nerd."

And for being a nerd, means I can use physic's laws and magic theory applied against you, can't I?😈😈😈

"What's wrong? Tired already?" Chrysalis laughs. "I know your feelings are connected to your magic. The stronger your feelings are, the stronger your magic gets. But when your feelings falter, so does your magic. Maybe you should think of you-know-who. That'll give you a boost." Chrysalis mocked.

Why in tarnation would she think about Voldemort?!😕😕😕

Cute story. Simple but well done.

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