DO YOUR JOB!

by book_burner

Do Your Job!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Do your job! Every weatherpony in Equestria has been having to cover up the lack of a decently raised sun. We’ve tried pouring rain, drizzling rain, rain clouds, fog, mist, misting rain, thundering rain, showering rain, leaky rain, and even pissing rain. We’ve tried grey, gray, black, and even bruisey clouds, along with our whole year’s supply of nimbostratus and stratus. We’re done! We’re out of tricks. And fresh water. We’re going to have to tornado a whole 'nother season’s supply up to Cloudsdale at this rate just to keep the skies clouded over so nopony can tell that you’re barely raising the sun. Seriously, you just kinda bring it up, let it lurk around not shining, and then let Luna lower it again in the evening. It’s not even a proper angle!

Speaking of the sun, we’re heading toward the Summer Sun Celebration! And let me remind you, the Summer Sun Celebration involves the sun. If the sun does not come out, we are going to miss the entire Celebration. Hay, that navy color the sky gets with the sun too low gives me the creeps! Give me night, or give me day, but don’t give me whatever that is!

The farmers are complaining, by the way. Sure, they like a healthy rainfall as much as anyone, especially in Spring. But you know what else Applejack says crops need? Sunlight. Oh, and Pinkie Pie says trees can drown if we let too much rain fall, but when I asked how she just said they can’t swim. So unless you want a whole growing season to go bye-bye with no Zap Apple Jam, or in fact any other apple stuff, we need to be able to clear out the clouds, and let the sun shine.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering what in the wide, wide world of Equestria leaky rain is, it’s when the news of upcoming rain leaks because weatherponies can only keep so many secrets. After all, Scootaloo sees her big sister going out each day before dawn to prepare massive nonstop clouds and rainstorms, despite the fact that none of the Equestrian Almanac's weather calendars for this year called for months of nonstop rain. We’re waaaay off-course for this time in the season. Scoots is gonna figure it out, and when Scootaloo figures it out, the Foal Free Press figures it out.

Maybe you could at least shine enough sun to get it to warm up? Cold rain is the absolute worst to work in! Your fur gets soaked, your wings get waterlogged, and the freeze gets into your skin. You do realize pegasi need our fur and feathers to stay warm at cloud-level altitudes, right? That with everypony soaked, we’re catching colds and feather-flus at record rates? And then we’re short of staff and have to work even harder to get the cloud-cover out every day!

By the way, Twilight found something very interesting in the Equestrian Employment Code. Apparently under section Apple-Horseshoe-Horseshoe-Rainbow-point-5A of the Noble Crown Employees Act^[1] passed after the Blueblood Rebellion of 1562, ponies who work for the Crown are in fact allowed to engage in labor actions^[2], whenever the Crown starts acting like “Stultus adverso imperiosae”. Twilight also says that’s exactly what I think you’re acting like, sooo…

We weatherponies are forming a union. We’re on strike now! The gentle weather pegasus shall no longer suffer the laziness and exploitation of the Diarchy!

Arise ye workhorses from your naps^[3]! Arise ye embarrassed at wing injuries! For thunderclouds in revolt now thunder, and at last ends the age of telling your little sister she can’t play outside. Away with all your reliance on alicorns. Servile masses, arise, arise! We’ll change henceforth the old tradition, and spurn the fog to win the prize.

With the help of the Earth Pony farmers and our cool new bandannas, we will buck the working mare’s apple right through the windows of Canterlot’s Castle of Servitude! We will not return to work until we get regular moonsets, regular sunrises, free cider on Fridays, and bring-your-turtle-to-work days twice a month in the summer! Oh, and a hospital insurance plan for trainee flyers, too!

If you want to negotiate, we’ll be found blockading the airspace outside Cloudsdale. Nopony takes a cloud out of Cloudsdale until our demands are met. Nopony brings a waterspout into Cloudsdale until our demands are met. While you don’t let us bring Tank to work, we’re not making any weather, let alone any rainbows. It’s all out, like cider after Pinkie Pie’s finally had enough to get drunk.

You can all just deal however the Everfree Forest does until the sun is firmly raised. Don’t like it? Our coalition of the Equestrian Friendly Democratic Labor Party, the Republican Sisterhoovists of Equestria, Sisterhoovist Alternative, the Ponies’ Front of Jumping, the Jumping Ponies’ Front, the Cottage-Industrial Workhorses of the World, and Fluttershy’s Animals’ Liberation Tea Party will smash your borj-waw system in a glorious revolution! We will begin by building Sisterhoovism, and eventually move all of Equestria into a literal bright new dawn of Neighborism!

Your ever-faithful weather pony,

Rainbow Dash

[1] -- Dear Princess Celestia, I wrote this bit! -- Twilight Sparkle

[2] -- Dear Princess Celestia, I had to explain to her this has nothing to do with foals. Equestria seriously needs more informative posters and pamphlets explaining labor law. -- Twilight Sparkle

[3] -- Oh Faust, Starlight Glimmer’s been giving her those pamphlets again. -- Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rainbow Dash, newly appointed Princess of Weather, Speed, and the Sun,

You do it, you pertinax asinae. I can still read Medieval Destrieran. My tiara is enclosed. Luna and myself will be eagerly watching your first days as Princess, getting shitfaced off the Cakes by the Ocean in our hooves. Honestly, it’s her idea, and sweet Faust do I love her for it.

We hope your revolutionary new society works out well, and doesn’t at all degrade into another muffinless hellhole like Our Town did the last time Starlight tried this. When will you idealists learn that a proper society must be ruled by alicorn ponies empowered by the magic of the Tree of Harmony?

Ever yours,
Celestia

Dear Retired Celestia,

You know, turning Rainbow Dash’s entirely legitimate request to actually raise the sun into what the Stable-Street Journal is calling, “the strike that busted unions” might not have been a good idea.

Your faithful student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note:

Honestly, it's been terrible weather for a while, and once I got going on that riff, well, Neighborism will triumph!

Comments

[Speedy Silverstreak]

And this is how Celestia fucked up being ruler of Equestria

[Level Dasher]

I was going to say, Rainbow had a very fair request, despite her approach.

Then I got to the last letter.

This was really good! Practically no (if any) unintentional errors that I could spot! (I friggin' love "borj-waw" )

[Jaro45]

Three days in, Rainbow Dash was assassinated. Unable to stand a muffin-free world, Derpy removed her from power, declared that "As muffins are happiness AND life, let them eat muffins." and became princess of a utopian Equestria. Everyone was happy and well fed, the sun rose and set regularly, and Celestia(s) NOT WELCOME!!!

(Luna is cool though)

[Jesse Coffey]

I have a feeling THIS will become your best-known story, and it is quite hilarious and sharp-witted to boot.

[Griseus]

This good.

[book_burner]

8290625
Headcanon accepted.

[silvadel]

This needs another chapter or sequel.

[BackgroundNoise]

Dear Retired Celestia,

You know, turning Rainbow Dash’s entirely legitimate request to actually raise the sun into what the Stable-Street Journal is calling, “the strike that busted unions” might not have been a good idea.

Your faithful student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Yeah... turns out countering a perfectly legitimate strike with a massive political gaff while you laze around and get shit-faced is actually a bad idea, who knew?

[book_burner]

8291749
You know what? It kinda does. I never managed to work in anarchists and austerity measures.
8290625
If you don't mind, could I take that thing about Derpy and run with it?

[Gavier]

So... equestrian ponies have no bread, and celestia eats cake?
Prepare the gillotine!

[Jaro45]

8292652
Feel free!

Y'know, flattery will get you everywhere.

[howard035]

I'd be careful if I was Celestia. If she's retired and Rainbow Dash is a Princess, what's stopping RD from having Starlight commandeer Celestia's cutie mark and give it to someone else to raise the sun?

[book_burner]

8293053
Thaaaanks! It really is another great punchline to the whole thing .

[book_burner]

8293713
Ah, simple: Dashie doesn't have Celestia's cutie mark. She's going to have to organize a bunch of unicorns to do the astronomy.

[howard035]

8295658 She doesn't have Celestia's cutie mark currently. But since Starlight can yank it right off the Flanks that Pancakes Built and put it on some random unicorn, and Rainbow Dash can authorize this as a Princess....

[book_burner]

8295992
I'm really wondering how you're planning for Starlight, an ordinary-sized unicorn, to hold down Celestia - an alicorn princess with the magic all three tribes - long enough for the Staff of SamenessLance of Longinus to actually work.

[howard035]

8296027 She did it once already, ripped the cutie mark right off Celestia's flank and gave it to another pony in an instant. It takes a second, the victim merely needs to be in proximity, not touch, and is Celestia really going to resist? This would be happening under the lawful orders of a princess, so Discord could freely help in "holding Celestia down" if he wants to. If Celestia resists then she is an outlaw, holding the sun hostage.

[book_burner]

8296068

She did it once already, ripped the cutie mark right off Celestia's flank and gave it to another pony in an instant.

... Did I miss the episode where this happened?

[howard035]

8297519 Sounds like you did. Have you not watched "A Royal Problem" yet? It aired officially in the US a month ago.

[DayNightCycle]

8297519

One of the relative recent episodes, actually. Though it was less 'ripping off' and more 'Freaky Friday'. Luna and Celestia were having a 'your job is easier than my job' fight spanning across a few days, so Starlight switched their cutie marks so they could do the whole 'mindswap' thing.

Why did Starlight do this? Twilight asked her to. : ^)

[book_burner]

8379716
Watched that episode. Really loved seeing Starlight drive Twilight into panic attacks and then be proved right .

[FanOfMostEverything]

Apple-Horseshoe-Horseshoe-Rainbow-point-5A

>tfw your bureaucracy is so old, it's gone through multiple number systems.

In any case, yeah, I don't see this ending well for Celestia. Twilight may have had to brute force the sun the first time around, but she'll probably have the cosmos dancing to her tune within the month.

All told, most amusing. Thanks for linking to it.

8290625
Aside from assassinating Fast Horse, I'm okay with this.

[Mystic Sunrise]

Lets be honest. Rainbow won't even last a week before she surrenders everything back to Celestia and Luna. Why? Because Rainbow is nowhere near competent enough for this. Neither is Starlight for that matter.

Me thinks the sisters did this on purpose. To teach the ungrateful twats of Equestria why you don't mess with them and why Equestria needs them. And to get a break.