Zecora The Rapper

OmniFox

OmniFox #1 · May 25th, 2017 · · ·

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What if Spike drinks a Zebra truth potion and say something to Zecora that'll make her severely blush?

TheEveryDaySparkle

TheEveryDaySparkle #2 · May 25th, 2017 · · ·

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8189091 That would be highly interesting.

OmniFox

OmniFox #3 · May 25th, 2017 · · ·

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8189105 Nothing insulting just down right flirting to the max.

TheEveryDaySparkle

TheEveryDaySparkle #4 · May 25th, 2017 · · ·

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8189205 Given how Zecora is, she'd probably forget to rhyme

Level Dasher

Level Dasher #5 · May 26th, 2017 · · ·

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The story could use a bit of work, but Zecora's poem (aside from one or two punctuation errors, IMO) was quite good! I don't know if I would call it a 'rap' per se, but it could definitely make for good song lyrics. Nice job!

TheEveryDaySparkle

TheEveryDaySparkle #6 · May 26th, 2017 · · ·

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8190752 I came across that same problem. Read it in her voice and try again. Punctuation errors you say?

Level Dasher

Level Dasher #7 · May 26th, 2017 · · ·

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8190779
I re-read it and tried to rap it. Yeah, I guess there is a bit of a rap rhythm to it, but there are one or two parts where it's just a tiny bit off with the consistency (but rap doesn't have to be perfect—I'm nitpicking). The other thing I find is that GENERALLY rap tends to have an undertone of anger to it, and that doesn't appear to be the case here, but obviously not every single rap does—this could absolutely qualify. Again, nitpicking.

Punctuation errors you say?

Yep. When it comes to rap/songs, sometimes people will write punctuation that fits the intonation rather than what's grammatically correct, which it looks like you did, but if you were to aim for grammatical accuracy, it should've looked something like this (I'm starting from her very first line because there was a definite error there, and in one or two lines, some of the sentences aren't actually full sentences, but since it's lyrical, artistic liberty is okay. The marks in pink—they might be hard to see—are ones that I believe you're using to mark pauses, but I still think aren't really necessary. There are other pause markers I left alone because they work.):

"How is everypony doing today.(?) I see that all of you have come out to play. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Are you ready? Here we go!"
The crowd gave one final cheer as the stage was filled with smoke and fireworks and confetti*, only to quiet down as they saw her shadow appear behind the smoke, watching it turn green with her appearance. (*personal preference: 'smoke, fireworks, and confetti')
"Visions of love, fill my head. They call to me as i(I) sleep in my bed. Those around me, cannot see what I see, for they do not know what's its(what it's) like to be me.
"Trudging along in the forest, my home. (M)making brews and potions, all alone. On my own in the land of Everfree. Will true love ever find me.(?)
"I call in the dark, when my sight is gone away. Will somepony come and find me today.(?) Lost in a sea of troubles and woes. Guess i'll just see where my journey goes.
"This life is a gift, wrapped in struggle and pain. Smashed right up, and left in the rain.
Can somepony tell me what's right and what's wrong.(?) Because (I)i've waited for this a little too long.
"Love to me, is like an ocean. But for heartbreak there is no potion."

(I tried to put it in spoilers, but it wouldn't work for some reason. Sorry. )

That's how I would have done it, but I'm also looking from a narrative point of view, not so much a musical one. Again, when artistic liberty is available like this, sometimes you can mess with the punctuation, but I'm a serious nitpicker.
I'm happy to see you got the quotes correct with the endings and beginnings of new lines—I've seen a bunch of people screw that up when they change paragraphs and the same person is talking. Nice!

Hope that gives you an idea of where I was coming from.

Wonderbolt Writer

Wonderbolt Writer #8 · May 28th, 2017 · · ·

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8191019 Hello, for putting spoiler bar inside quotes I just type what I want then highlight the words that are the quote, click the quotation marks to make it a quote then I click and put a space in between the brackets of the quote command thingy and the words in the sentence. After adding the space I highlight the words again and click Sp for spoilers. I'm kinda bad at explaining but hope this helps!

So this (see below)

Becomes like this

Wonderbolt Writer

Wonderbolt Writer #9 · May 28th, 2017 · · ·

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Cool story. The beginning where the announcer says 'Nighttime in Ponyville' reminds me the theme song to the show PJ Masks. Google it and you'll probably see what I mean. And when Twilight was all "Oooh... That sounds...interesting...". I just imagine Spike saying back to her, "You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?"