A fellow fan and author. Newbie and looking to make friends here on this amazing site of ours
After the fight against Mozgus, Guts finds himself guiding a crew of warriors (and one princess) out of danger. However, the horde of souls looking to devour the entire city instead sends him to another world. One full of ponies. Not the worst that's ever happened to him right?
(rated T for possible sensual situations later on.)
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
1,013 users online
1,660,906 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Awesome chapters, you are doing a amazing job. I can't wait to read the next one.
The first issue I see before reading the story is the amount of chapters you submitted with the story's publishment. You should always hold some finished chapters to release later, for it holds the reader's interest longer, as well as leaves them in thought a lot more. Plus it gives you more time to work on future chapters.
7791207 yeah about that. None of these were finished chapters beforehand. I literally came up with all this some three hours ago in the haze that is my author mode. It was always meant to stop where it did so I could continue from there. It just ended up longer than I expected. But at least it stopped where it was supposed to. Now I can give out more tomorrow. What you see as an issue, I see as a happy accident.
7791119 thank you for saying so. I'll be on it by tomorrow, I hope so you wont have long to wait.
The writing isn't bad, but I couldn't keep going after chapter 4.
The on off Guts character was just killing it for me, I thought at the start it was already not really Guts but later it become really clear how on off his character is.
Next is the chapter size. you should try to aim for 1k+ for a prologue and 2k+ for chapter.
So now why chapter 4 killed it for me.
How can it be that Guts only now takes a look at his blade? How comes he is so fixated on civilization? How can he know that he need to grab his sword with his teeth? How can he fight this way? why not grabbing it with his hoofs? Why even going to the Town when he isn't used to his body? There are so many things on chapter 4 alone that i gave up half way through it.
Don't get me wrong, the idea is great your writing is not bad. But character and Plot are as important as the first two. And a solid law for your world would be important too. But the way it is now it is nothing for me.
7791267 if you couldn't keep going after chapter four, then how is this comment on chapter five. Yeah, I tried to make him as Guts as possible, but I needed to go with the flow. I'm not just going to use him as a standby though. I suppose I could have taken into account the fact that true Guts uses his hands. The civilization thing I could tell was out of character. I didn't know how to make it as to where it would sound right. The sword thing I thought was perfectly timed though come on. Now, as to it having killed the story for you, fine. If ya don't like it don't read it. I tried and failed with you. That's all there is to it.
7791279 why on chapter 5? I have no Idea I wrote the review (not chapter) on the main story page not a specific chapter.
doesn't mean he needs to be Guts on and off, I mean why so angry at discord when he has the most ridiculous name already accepted and all? Why go even in the first place? Casca is not save and Griffith is still breathing. This is before he developed a reason not to go after Griffith.
For the civilization part you could have the town burning and Guts going there because of the screams.
The sword would have be perfectly placed if not for the fact he was with Zecora before this and she was taking care of his wounds. If she did this she would have to peel him out of his equipment and he would have needed to put it back on. There he would already have noticed this fact about the weapon being off.
Yea I won't keep reading, just wanted to give you my honest opinion on the part i have read.
I went into this story doubting it would surprise, and at times it almost did but it never popped in a way that made me love it, between plot holes and grammatical errors I felt overwhelmed so here's some advice from one shitty writer to another less shitty author.
I recommend finding an editor ASAP. When I started writing here I knew I needed an editor, I'm a closet brony so I can't just show my story to anyone, I looked around in certain groups and eventually found someone, and other than having someone in my corner to fix my grammar and plot holes I had a good friend who isn't scared to tell me how retarded my stories are sometimes.
I also recommend putting more time into your works, I usually reread my story three times before reluctantly accepting it's as good as it ever will be.
I also reccomend not sassing people who critique your work, I read the other comments and I have to admit that you came off kind of assholey, next time just say 'duly noted' if you can't think of anything nicer.
Hope I helped my dude, keep it for realzies!
not bad I will be tracking this story now.
This is pretty decent, I actually like the way you're making Guts to act for the most part, as I like to think he is the type of character to adapt to the situation and role with it. Sure he could just be all cold and jerky, but why would he? After a god brought him to what is supposedly a world of peace and meeting only others who sincerely want to help him as much as possible, I like to think this is not too far off from how the character would really act. If I had one niggle it would be that it feels like things are happening a bit too fast, but it's not that huge of an issue, as you are using a character with an established story and personality, if this was a story with an OC as the protagonist it would be a different story though. Also while writing this I remembered another little niggle I had, which is when you where trying to describe how Fluttershy found him attractive but the way it was written was as if he was a human, rather than a pony. Again not really a huge issue, at the end of the day it's a fairly decent story with a nice premise, so keep on keeping on.
I count two spelling errors. Other than that, the grammar is okay. Also, I don't think I've ever seen Guts smile. Still okay.
Why would Guts ever leave Casca? His character in this chapter feels off. from the story description so far, it would make more sense to bring Guts to equestria against his will and hold hold his return to home hostage as a reward for ridding equestria of its demons and monsters, ones worse than Discord, or even his rivals.
This chapter was mostly okay. Without being able to see though, Guts should be unable to tell anything about the size of the bed, and even then his relative size to the world should only be known to him after comparing to something of known length, like his sword. However, there would be instant recognition of being non-human the moment he started walking on all fours. Keep trying though. Kudos for rhyming Zecora's dialogue, that is never easy.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!! Please!
7791279
I think you did a pretty good job Guts softer side. Are their any plans to continue this?
9018305
No unfortunately
To me this is a bit off for Guts but I could easily just say that Discord fucked with his head a bit before he woke up Besides for all we know this isn’t a carbon copy of Guts from BOTH anime.
9019231
WE NEED MORE PLZ
10091886
I'm very sorry. It has been a while since I did this story and I do not remember very well what I had in mind. I do not think i will be returning to this any time soon. However, If you'd like, feel free to look at some of my newer stories.
10092136
It's still a good story though.
7844258
First episode of the old anime, where he’s firing crossbow bolts into an angel after cutting it in half.