A fellow fan and author. Newbie and looking to make friends here on this amazing site of ours
Twilight gets gets called in by luna. It seems celestia has been a bit preoccupied as of late with some strange device. She comes to the castle and finds that the princess is sitting in the dark in front of some strange rectangle. She sees that it is glowing, emitting some weird light that illuminates the princess' face. Is it magic? What is this strange new object?
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
676 users online
834,329 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
About to read through it. I gave it a quick once over, but this story doesn't appear to have any references in the second person. Only saw third person narration. Thought I'd point that out real quick. Unless you plan on doing it in 2nd person later?
quite frankly im scared of celestias browser history.
7767994 What do you expect to be on there? she is a princess right?
7767812 I meant for it to be used that way, but there is second person present. I just didn't want to flood the story with a lot of monotonous he said, she said.
>Tabtop
7768136 where? Did I screw up? If so I think I saw it somewhere.
7768189 The Description
7768008
Im confused. The only instances of 'you' i found was in something somepony was saying. I thought that still counted as third person. At any rate i liked the fic.
Twilight if you want to remain innocent and pure you BETTER not touch that browser history!
7768008 it implies she has secrets she doesnt want twilight to know about. the only person closer to celestia than twily, is luna herself. so the fact that she doesnt trust twily with her secret(s), scares me.
7768197
7767994
7767812
Thanks for the comments you guys. I have another fic in the works and it should be done by today, or rather tonight. Thanks for the constructive criticism and I love you all.
7768515 mostly porn i suspect
Good she isn't currently in the armory...
Or you set yourself a limit. Like two hours per day.
Nice story.
In case you are interested is critique please continue. If not, skip to next comment.
You seem to have problems with uppercase and lowercase.
Keep attention to write titles, names (especially names in this case; e.g. Princess Twilight instead of princess twilight) and the beginning of a sentence uppercase. (Maybe even look for an editor.)
At least two times you are writing about "hands". Either change it to "hoofes" or add the "Antro"-tag.
About tags: Remove the "2nd person"-tag. This isn't a 2nd person story.
The short description is currently "Celestia gives Twilight a taptop. See the antics her and friends get into."
First, you probably meant "laptop". Second, this description doesn't really match the story. I recommend a rewriting of said description.
Last thing: It is praiseworthy you added the source of the cover-art. Sadly the link leads to an completely unrelated picture. I recommend to check and correct the link.
This was perfect...
with just two emoticons (or whatever they're called here) I was able to make most of the story! You've gotten yourself an up vote, a favorite and a follow! 
Wait... I can't do that... Because I'm already following 
Trust me when I say I won't be looking through Celestia's browser history... Even though that line cracked me up!
I have Celestia's problem.
7767994
Me too...
Greetings!
You have submitted this story for review in the Reviewer's Cafe
Here it is!