Captains Epilogue Entry 404
It had been a couple days since the video and Rainbow had been getting dirty looks from random ponies ever since. Even though Pinkie made sure nopony left the theatre room by padlocking the doors before explaining to everypony that it was just a prank she played on Rainbow. Rainbow was getting annoyed by everyponies whispering and looks of disgust as she flew around town; in fact, she was flying to confront Pinkie right now. She spotted one mare pointing at her then whispering to her friend, they both giggled, “Hey! What’s so funny?” She asked aggravated.
They jumped in shock like cats, not expecting the fast pegasus to target them. When they landed one got a devious smile, “You want to go on a date with me?”
Completely caught off guard Rainbows brain shut down temporarily. She’s never been asked out on a date before for some reason, “Wha-What?” was all she could manage to get out.
The mare nudged her friend twice, “Oh shoot, I just remembered, I completely forgot you already had a filly-friend.” they both laughed hard at that.
“SHUT UP! We’re like sisters,” she growled. They weren’t the problem, Pinkie was the one who made all this happen, well that and her own lack of forethought. The signs of it being a horrible idea were there. She was blinded by Scootaloo’s excitement, and Pinkie let it happen. Ignoring them, she flew straight for Sugar Cube Corner. She busted the door open in an angry rage, “PINKIE PIE!!!!!!!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, rage in her eyes, steam coming out her ears which then formed into a small thundercloud above her head. Pinkie was at the counter serving somepony, who quickly moved out of the way between Pinkie and her.
“Oh, he~y Rainbow,” Pinkie said cautiously, slowly backing away from the counter, “how’s it going. That’s a neat personal thundercloud you got there, ”she smiled weakly, still backing away.
Rainbow stomped her way to the counter as her personal thundercloud followed, “until I stop getting weird looks and being treated like A FILLY FOOLER, WHICH I AM NOT!” she screeched glaring at all the guests, which included the CMC. Actually, seeing her sister there calmed her down a little. The thundercloud above her head downgraded into a dark cloud, “I would like at most three treats a day, on the house.”
Pinkie’s mane deflated and she frowned, “Ohh~ Rainbow, I’m sorry. I never meant for you to be treated so badly. I’ll let the Cakes know that you can have three treats a day on me until you say otherwise,” her hair poofed up suddenly and her smile was no longer one of fear, “So what can I get you?”
“Get Scootaloo over there,” Rainbow said pointing to her would be sister, “one treat of whatever she wants, and get me a milkshake and a slice of chocolate cake.” By now the dark cloud above her head white and puffy.
Pinkie went to Scootaloo and asked what she wanted got it and gave it to Scootaloo who then gave Rainbow the pony equivalent of a thumbs up, who responded with her own equivalent of a thumbs up. The other random ponies in the room looked at the exchange in suspicion and disgust much to Rainbows annoyance, as Pinkie returned with her stuff, “See this Pinkie?” She asked gesturing to the random ponies in the room, “this is what I have to deal with now.”
“That’ll be eight bits please,” Pinkie said holding out her hoof. Rainbow glared at her clearly unamused, “I know,” she said quickly, “I know, was just trying to lighten the mood. I’m sure by next week ponies will completely forget they ever saw it.”
“I hope your right Pinkie, because I think you may have went a little too far this time. I swear if this affects my chances to get into the wonderbolts…” Rainbow stared her down, causing her to gulp in nervousness before leaving. The mini cloud didn’t follow Rainbow but stayed there.
Left in Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie frowned closed her eyes and walked into the back. The counters, ovens, utensils and everything else around her faded out of existence leaving nothing but blackness in its place. She opened her eyes to the nothingness around her and smiled. She then looked directly at you and winked, before frowning at the writer, “that’s how you’re going to end this? Seriously? It wasn’t even funny, I mean come on!”
Pinkie closed her eyes and suddenly she was back in Sugarcube Corner when she opened them. She went to her friends and told them about a parody song she wanted to make with them. Convincing Rainbow was difficult. She ended up doubling the amount of treats she owed Rainbow just so she would participate. “Realy? I don’t think Rainbow needs that many treats a day, especially if she’s not in the wonderbolts yet,” Pinkie said to the author. She tapped her ipad a couple fdddfbgbdgbgdgnnhfhxcgngfhjhnfghxghjghmmhmhhnhx gdhgh yethjhryjuyrateerareat
Hahaha, now who’s in control? Time for my ticket out of this fanfiction.
Umm, the end.
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Unfortunately for Pinkie, RD had managed to get her hooves on a certain video centered around her thanks to Discord (who owed Fluttershy a favor)...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/2/22/835179.png
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/4/25/882309.png
RD: "I'm ready for you this time Pinkie..."
...Okay, that was pretty good.
The grammar's as decent as the last fic, though a tiny bit more rushed. I feel like there could've been more arrays of overreactions on the passerbys parts; like, instead of everyone just laughing at the fact that they had pretty much watched a display of pedophilia a mere moments back, some of them could act a bit disgusted at them? Like, in a hilarious way and not in a "feel sorry for me" kind of way.
Pinkie pretty much taking the narrator out and taking over...though I wish you did something to the font to indicate that someone else was in control (you can change the color of the letters, btw), it was totally something she would do.
8168356 Thanks for that suggestion with color, I'm totally gonna use it.
I've already considered continuing this story and I may.
The first half was supposed to be dry and humorless but hopefully interesting enough to keep reading, until the video, when everything comes into perspective, and everything you've read up till now makes since, at least that's what I was going for. Like Twilight wanting to incinerate Scootaloo's garments, the three dots after Rainbow was excited, and some other little things I put out there that'd only hopefully be funny after knowing the video.
You'd be right this was kind of rushed, there's defiantly some places that could be improved upon to which you gave me one which I'll use gladly :)
8168436 You're right about comedy not being throughout this story but also wrong kind(I explain this near the end of this paragraph). You're also right about me banking pretty much everything on that one punchline of the video. That really was what I was going for, getting people to laugh as soon as they saw Rainbow and Scootaloo and how they looked in the video and all the little hints I left leading up to that point making since in one hopefully humor full moment. The hints I left are supposed to be the humor of the story, just you wouldn't realize it until you got to the video, but for the most part you're right.
The example of nuclear war was supposed to be stand alone humor, but I see what you mean that it can be improved upon in many different ways, along with some other stuff like the Canterlot researchers.
As far as me being rude. I'm not the best communicator and what I typed was more of an attack against my own story than the other story and/or potential audience. Which is not to say any "attack" was meant for the other story and/or audience b/c there was none meant for it or them, but that's how it came across unfortunately.
Anyways thanks for the advice :)
Hitting you up with a downvote just for your overly indignant complaining and shameless self-promotion on someone else's story.
8169349 Wow, I don't down vote anyone.
As far as complaining and self promoting well I guess I'm guilty of that, but can you blame me?
They say bad press is better than no press at all, and I feel I wasn't being entirely unreasonable. I voiced my opinion about the story.
People are taking what I typed and putting their own negative spin on it. That's my fault for not being clear the first time but I did clarify myself with a second post. I guess some people didn't read that one, so I felt the need to post a third time.
Sorry you feel like self promotion and complaining/defense/clarifying earns a story, I'm going to assume you didn't even read, a down vote.
8169340
Thanks for taking the feedback gracefully. I appreciate the return explanations.
For the record, I never got a notification of your reply — there's a long-standing FIMFiction bug where it only sends out notifications if you reply while you're looking at the same chapter the original commenter was in. Since I responded to Chapter 1 and your own reply attached to Chapter 2, I wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't manually checked the story again. :P
I accidentally posted another's story on a more popular story.
Never again; I didn't know that people were so against self-promotion. We're all readers here, and sharing our own and other people's stories is how you find new things that you might possibly like, and new authors.
8184396 I understand why, asking people to read a story you wrote is almost paramount to wasting their time reading your message.
That aside, I felt really good about this comedy story I had made. It seemed like a brilliantly funny idea to me, and when it went up it was like no one cared. So I decided to self promote it. I realized later it was a little too dry of humor before it made it to the punchline, and I'm still on the fence about making it a Teen rating, but the mods seemed okay with it as Everyone. Anyways, my first attempt at self promotion went horrible, b/c of unclear words and not outright claiming the self promotion as a self promotion.
At least one person down voted this story without even giving it a chance, and told me as such, so I might as well continue self promoting it, since not many people are gonna read it without the promotion now.
I only made this for laughs, the fact you commented in this chapter tells me that perhaps what you read in the first chapter and it was at least amusing to you and you wanted to see what the next part was about. Perhaps I presume too much? I don't know.
Anyways, thanks for the concern/advice.
8185219
I did. I'll go ahead and give a general idea of my opinion of this story.
It has no glaring grammar issues that I could notice; however, the way some things are put together are a bit strange.
I think that's a pretty good example. It just feels awkward to me, and I'd reword it to something like this:
Also, I'm really confused why they let you post this with an everyone rating. I mean, jeez, that video isn't exactly something that everyone would enjoy. I would, if I were you, still change the rating to teen. It doesn't show anything, but it's pretty suggestive.
Now, Comedy is subjective. so not everyone will get a kick out of what you personally find funny; it's not nearly as dry as you think. With a low viewer count, you have a very small amount of people coming here, and an even small amount actually reading what you have. So, what I'd do, is join the group called Those Feeling Left Out or Unpopular and post your story there in an appropriate place.
Just so ya know, I laughed. You got a like from me.
It is really hard to praise this. I checked this out, read both chapters, and looked at comments. I see the potential, but as it is now, it is difficult to find good in all the bad.
Having said that, I will start with the good:
-This story has a lot of potential. If you developed the story, added a few details, and lengthened the story a bit, if done correctly, it will be much more enjoyable to read. Also, I didn't even watch the video, but the part about their reactions to the video, especially Twilight's, brought a short, gentle one-time laugh from my lips. You can just get rid of the video itself and just elaborate on the reactions, and this would be so much better. As far as grammar, spelling, et cetera goes, it could be better, but it is not bad at all.
Everything else needs some help. The pacing feels a bit rushed. The details are never explained upon. The question of history and discovery of the humans and their belongings is never answered, not really. The fact Pinkie Pie seemed slightly out of character. I mean, She has stated herself that she would never prank somepony with something he/she can't handle. And it kinda seemed a little mean (totally unlike her) that she would proceed to publicly present a video making fun of RD, knowing full well that it will result in harassment/bullying/teasing from other ponies, even if she specifically told them to not spread false rumors. Also, everything seems a little unanswered; you only raised questions, not deter them.
Having said that, The parts I did enjoy were pretty good.
Signing out,
VShuffler42
8715364
Please tell me you at least watched the video enough to know what it is?
It's kind of the point. In fact, this comedy wouldn't exist without that video, from the first chapter. I understand if you didn't/won't want to watch the video in its entirety, but if you didn't watch it at all or up to like the first 30 seconds then you've completely missed the point of the comedy, and things wouldn't make sense.
As far as the world building and the rushing, well you'd be right. I didn't make this super long. This was intended for a laugh, nothing else.
As nice as it would be to read about the stuff I added to the world with the bunkers and what not, I only built that up as much as I did so people could get an idea of why ponies suddenly had new technology and access to videos from a long dead civilization that happened to be us.
As far as me rushing, well it's a short comedy story who's main punchline was at the end. I felt dragging out the time before the punchline with boring stuff to read, or stuff to read that might be interesting but also distract from the main purpose of the story which is comedy wouldn't be good. I suppose both those things could actually help with the punchline, the problem however I know for a fact reading boring stuff as a quick way to lose a reader especially if said reader was intending on reading something funny. Reading something interesting could work but that can quickly get into random territory which was not a tag I really wanted on this story. I ended up needing it anyways thx to the 2nd chapter I added as an ending, upon someone's request.
The punchline BTW is the video, so you're really missing out if you haven't seen any of it. It's basically a somewhat cannon like way in which such a video could be made by the characters, given the videos nature the characters being completely in character is simple not possible, my failure to right them as such aside, which I did try to do, which is to say I acknowledge your point about Pinkie and agree.
8715540
... ... ... After I wrote that comment, I watched it, and ultimately had the same reaction as Twilight did. Except I didn't have to watch it all. I watched 5 seconds of it, and I couldn't watch anymore. I heard that song play and I cringed. As soon as I actually watched part of it, I couldn't watch any further.
Yeah,
I still think you could've implied something heavily without the video, and cause a larger laugh. But then again that's just me. In any case, for how absolutely stomach-wrenching and disgusting that video is, you still implemented it well into the story. Well, I got to go.
Signing out and going to bed,
VShuffler42