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Pippington Britishhooves

Pippington Britishhooves #1 · Jul 12th, 2017 · 1 · 2 ·

I stopped to read this because it was short and caught my attention, so I'd like to offer some criticism. It was, realistically, too short. I know I just said that I read it because it was short, but I feel as though there might've been more that could've been added to make it more engaging and interesting as a story. I personally feel that it was too rushed, and, if you'll forgive me for saying this, poorly edited. The tense was all over the place, and the sentence structure was not dissimilar to someone who had just learned the various components of a sentence and sat down with a thesaurus and a list to try and meet every possible aspect of a sentence in its entirety. Furthermore, the backstory and development was nonexistant; why was Spike rampaging? Where was the buildup? Why did the story start in medias res? Why was there no transition from the explanatory buildup to the point at which the in medias res cut off and introduced the bulk of the story?

Having said that, I enjoyed the story. The concept of Spike going rouge and destroying Ponyville has only been addressed in cartoonish terms within the show, so seeing it take a grisly and dark approach is very interesting. You took an idea and made it your own, which is very good indeed. I didn't realise until I saw his name mentioned (by a character who knew him, no less, so extra points for that) that I realised that our favourite cuddly dragon was the monster behind all this carnage. It's great to see an idea that throws off all our previous assumptions, and one that does it realistically or otherwise sticks to canon or the realm of the show's universe is certainly welcome. After all, Spike is a dragon, and in Western folklore, dragons were violent and ruthless, and were deeply selfish and operated with a motivation of self-interest. Since the show has based their dragons on Western folklore, you captured the idea of him being an animalistic beast very well here, turning him from lovable into terrifying, instinctual, and predatory. The antagonist of this story felt dangerous and violent, and I loved the fact that you made me feel like that about a character I love and regard in ways very much contrary to that.

In summary, your tenses, editing, and pacing need some work, but your overall storytelling is fantastic. I like what you did with what you did, but it could use so much improvement to make you into a better author. My advice is to find a reliable editor and to devote more time to crafting your stories if you can. I hope this helps. Keep writing, my friend.

All the best, Pippington Britishhooves