- Member Since 8th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 25th, 2023
BloodBunny67
Just trying to become a better writer. Plus, PONIES! 
BloodBunny67
Joined 8th Dec, 2013 ·
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Oh my God, that's intense. Please continue!
yeah I agree, that's pretty powerful writing
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Thanks guys! Horror is tough to write, I'm glad you are enjoying my attempt. Ill try and keep it interesting!
Is this supposed to be a prequel to Cupcakes or something? Because I'm getting powerful Cupcakes vibes.
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Nope this is a stand alone.
I haven't actually read Cupcakes lol
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Considering Pinkie dies at the end of the first chapter, most likely not.
Short, but very interesting. I rather like that our killer is making it personal and that Twilight did the sensible thing: Put guards on her remaining friends.
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Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm glad your liking it so far.
Don't worry about its length, there's still quite a bit left to tell!
At this time I am thinking that Twlight is the killer. Chrysalis could've done something to her while she was imprisoned. And the only other unicorn tha could do that sort of thing was Trixie. And that was with the Alicorn Amulet.
3863109
Anything is possible, but I suggest you wait till the rest of the cast is introduced in the next chapter before making wild accusations
lol
Hope your enjoying so far!
Short and sweet. I like it.
Sorry, I don't really have any criticism at the moment. LOL.
Obviously, Angel and Fluttershy are the killers.
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Ohhh, I think I know where this is headed, but I'm not sure... the next chapter will either prove or disprove my thoughts, and I can't wait!
If rarity died either spike will get insanely depressed to the point of suicide or he will rage all over town trying to find trixie to rip her apart. If your going to use one of these scenarios into this story, I prefer the 2nd one.
I call red herring on Trixie!
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Stay Tuned!
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Stories already all planned out, we'll just have to see.
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What?!? We aren't cutting down the mightiest tree the in forest here!
When does Twilight start being badass?
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I doubt it. When she was accused of the murder, she didn't try to say she was innocent. She instantly said that she would escape and go after Twilight next.
Okay. I know there is a new chapter out but I have not read it yet and I want to get my predictions down. Here goes.
Trixie is not the killer. She did not lie when Twilight accused her of killing the ponies. If you look back, Twilight also said something before the ruby glowed. She said
I think this is the lie that set the ruby aglow. I do not believe that Twilight is willing to kill, and thus she is the liar here. I do think that Trixie was plotting revenge, I just don't think she would kill.
On that note, who do I think is the killer?
Rarity.
Partly a wild guess, but I also have some suggestions that point to it.
The fire ruby was charmed by Rarity when she was alone save for Spike, thus giving her the opportunity to place an additional charm on it to make it not work on her, or at the very least find a way for her to get around it.
Furthermore, I doubt that she was even interrogated. After all, who would suspect an Element of Harmony?
Rarity also has a flare for detail, those little things that make the masterpiece. Usually, an accent in one of her outfits, but in this case the fineness with which she displayed Pinkie's mutilated body.
My last idea for why is that letter removing her guards. She could have forged it to remove any witnesses from her vicinity, then killed one of her customers or family members.
Okay, I admit that last point is weak and this whole theory will probably be blown to bits in the next chapter. Still, until evidence suggesting otherwise, this is my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Another point is that I'm fairly sure RD is going to die at some point, if the cover art is any indication.
......okay that twist is several levels of bullshit and the explanation nonsensical. i should have nkown when you went and killed one of the mane six.
i see a pattern. whenver someone thinks they need to kill the mane six, the story is doomed to be bad in some way.
it had hope, but unfortunately the ending was several degrees of bullshit........... not to mention applejack would have survived that damn tackle............
Hah! I knew Trixie was a red herring!
Well, I was partly right. Trixie wasn't the liar. I called Twi's lie there. I was wrong about the killer, although Twilight was my second guess. All in all, I liked this story. Cute, gore filled, the kind of stuff I like. I do find what Fluttershy did at the end to be... not what I would have expected of her. Her actions were understandable, I expected her to do that, but the execution, no pun intended, was not how I would have done it.
My two biggest complaints are the cover art and AJ's death, to be honest. The cover art shows a dead Rainbow, yet she is not one of the murdered. I also do not think that Rainbow could have gotten enough momentum to kill Applejack as quickly as she does. Regardless, I did like the ending as it currently is.
The only other comment I have until the epilogue is that there were a few grammar issues that I would be more than happy to point out if you would like.
In short, I liked it and you have at least one person waiting of the epilogue.
I really DO like your writing, but I could just use a bit of explanation. Maybe after the epilogue post a final explanation? Thanks! ^_^
NO PINKIE!!!!!!!
I spotted a mistake near the beginning.
"Pinkie's eyes began to waiver."
One signs a waiver. I think you meant "waver".
Other than that, however, I like what I see so far, so I'm upvoting this and will continue to read the rest.
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Great guess my friend!
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Well, i guess you just cant please 'em all
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IKR! I wanted so badly to pat you on the back, but didn't wanna ruin it lol
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.
Thanks so much for your comments. As a person who is trying to expand on his skills, posts like yours are very appreciated. Also, if you wanted to spend time helping me spot my grammatical errors, I would be very grateful! Glad you liked it
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Certainly, there is a lot of devices I used / attempted to use in the story. I would be more than happy to have a dialogue with you about how I pieced the story together. If i have interest from more people, Ill probably throw it up in a blog.
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lol
Don't worry, this story takes place a year from now! you have plenty of time to enjoy with Pinkie!
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Spotted and fixed! thanks for the help sir, glad your enjoying so far!
3863109 even though that was what happened, it does not make it any more of a badly done twist.
largely because the changelings do not do anything like that. if they did, shining armor would ahve raped tiwlight or something.
3897414 hey hey hey
Stay outta my shed
3908140 No problem. I like to help. I won't be able to help you out much more right now as I ahve homework to do (ugggg), but I will give this a reread just to catch whatever I can. I noticed that most of your issues had to do with the its/it's and your/you're. Easy enough fix and I can even give you a short lesson if you want.
I also just noticed that this is marked complete. Are you still planning to add an epilogue?
3908188
.
That sounds great, whenever is convenient for you, I'm not going anywhere
And yes, I am still going to add an epilogue , but I marked the it as complete because I consider the story to have concluded. My epilogue will just be an interest piece on how the world sorts itself out after the events of the story. I probably wont get it done for a while though as irl I will be working long hours for the next couple of months and wont have as much time to write.
I think spike did it
It just all fits if you think about it
3908229 I'm done now (huzzah for easy homework!) so I'll get to work on the first chapter. Errors/typos are in bold.
I believe you mean 'replied.'
First off, I love this line. It really gives a feel to how the murders are getting to ponies. Anyway, "don't" should be capitalized because it is the start of Pinkie's line. Although, this is one of the grammar issues I'm not 100% sure about, so if you think it goes the way you have it, feel free to leave it as it is.
"Me my"? Oops!
Of course, this could have been a purposeful mistake to represent Twilight's rush to get to the scene. If that is the case, I suggest simply crossing out the me.
Nice alliteration. The first 'she' should not be capitalized. 'Slightly' does not need a comma after it as it is the end of a thought. The last part I'm not sure about, but I personally would lowercase the second she as well. I feel like it would make it flow better.
According to Google, defer means "put off (an action or event) to a later time; postpone." I feel like that is not what you intended to say.
This one is mostly personal opinion. In this story, I find it unlikely that anyone would say something like this. Perhaps 'scared [Twilight's] feathers off' would work better?
"Pinkie's," with the apostrophe. The eyes belong to Pinkie, so 's is used to represent possession.
That's it for this chapter. If you have any questions feel free to ask, also feel free to argue any and all points. Most of all, feel free to completely ignore everything I just wrote and do whatever you want. This is your story not mine, so by all means, disregard everything.
I will do chapter two when I have time, although I did enjoy this so I will probably try to fit it in tomorrow.
Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
(I would end this with a pinkiehappy, but considering the end of this chapter, I feel that would not end well.)
For a moment I thought that Pinkie was the killer. Now I suspect Caramel...
Hmm, now I suspect Rarity. Trixie is a drama queen, but she's not a killer.
Rarity, on the other hand, made the lie-detecting spell... Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Also, if Rarity got killed, it means that I'm so bad at predicting that I'm actually good - everyone whom I predicted to be a killer, ends up as a victim...
Okay, two words: holy shit...
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Well don't keep me in suspense! Did you guess correctly?
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Wow, thanks for taking the time to give me a hand! Ill check those out as soon as I get off work.
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Reading your comments as you finished each chapter made me lol irl haha. But your right, I put a lot of herrings in this story so the fact that you picked up on some of them does indeed mean you were making good predictions. I hope you enjoyed the ending!
3910609
Yeah
Holey shiet.
After the death of spike i was completly shocked!
I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING SO THE PAIN CAN GO AWAY!
3908597
Thanks for helping me spot those! All fixed now. The only two things I left was the "scared the life out of me" as I felt it fit the mood better than any alternative.
And I left 'deferred' in the letter. Deferred can also mean 'to submit humbly' fyi.
Thanks for the help!
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Hahaha give it a try! apparently it works wonders!
lol seriously tho, glad you liked!
so twilight killed pinkie and rarity, rainbow dash killed AJ, and fluttershy killed spike. right?
3913487
Bingo! Twi also got caramel and the other eleven before the story started.
Knox's 7th: It is forbidden for the detective to be the culprit.
Tsk tsk. And I was hoping this was fair play.
Enjoyed it anyway though. Mystery is definitely a fun and engaging genre to work with. (Doing one of my own.) They say that a good mystery is like a game between the author and the reader.
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Glad you enjoyed!
Good old Knox, if your going to be technical I also broke rule one in a way. But concidering number 5, ive always played a little fast and loose with the old boy's rules
Good luck with your mystery story, ill make sure to keep an eye for it.!
This... I don't know what to say about this...
It was well written and I did not see that ending comeing at all.
Great story.
I really like this first chapter!
Right, sorry this took so long. Not much to fix up in this chapter, and rereading it was fun. I really like the way you got Twi to try and detach herself. Anyway, here we go!
Don't should be capitalized because it is the start of Twilight's speech.
Well, that's it for this chapter. I'm going to do the next right away.
The just bolded words are bold because, and this is personal opinion so feel free to ignore it, you start two sentences in a row with the same word. Not wrong, but it seems choppy. I recommend changing the first "Seeing" to something like "Once". The bold and underlined word is missing an apostrophe and should be "Twilight's" as it is possessive.
This one is 100% personal opinion. "Princess" is a title and should be capitalized. "Princess" is, in many cases, just a shortened version of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, so on and so forth. Princess is part of their name, their title, and thus needs capitalization. Some people disagree with this and that is fine, I just felt the need to point it out.
Well, gotta say that I love that last line. Now before I go on, I'm just warning that, although it looks alike a lot, most of the errors are just missed apostrophes. So, to make things easier, if the word needs an apostrophe before the "s" I'm colouring it purple. If it needs one after, (meaning it is plural possessive) it will be orange. If you wish for further explanation, just let me know either in a comment or a PM and I will be happy to oblige.
As I mentioned on the last chapter, "well" should be capitalized. This happens a few times but I'm not going to point them all out unless you want me to. In my opinion, the a in "ah" should also be capitalized in this case, as it is Applejack saying "I" with her accent changing its sound. By adding the capital, it makes a clear distinction between the word meaning "I" and the sound one makes when they figure something out, such as "ah ha!" Feel free to ignore this, just like everything else that is my personal opinion.
You missed a capital.
"She" does not need to be capitalized.
You need a comma instead of a period.
You just need to move the apostrophe to the other side of the s. Plural possessive words are hard to figure out.
Should be you're, as in you are.
You don't need the period after "Miss".
Right, that's all I saw. I'm going to stop for now, but I should be able to do the next chapter or two tomorrow. I make no promises, but I think I may have time.