It Chooses
“So, we heard you encountered a Goatman!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed with a large smile.
Sunset had been in the hospital for a few days. She lay on her hospital bed with bandages around her feet, an IV hooked up to her arm, and was surrounded by various machines.
Not to mention her friends.
“Yeah, I did,” Sunset replied.
“Was it as scary as the stories say it is!?” Applejack asked.
“I, uh, guess so?” Sunset answered.
“Did it tell any great jokes!?” Pinkie Pie asked with an inhumanly large smile.
“No, Pinkie, it didn't.”
“Did it have a good fashion sense?” asked Rarity as she adjusted her hair.
“It smelled of piss and death.”
Rarity’s eyes widened and she gagged. “Oh, how could it…”
And then she fainted.
“She’ll be fine,” Twilight said. “So, have you been feeling okay?”
“I've… been better,” Sunset said. “What'd they do to the corpse?”
“Some military guys took it away,” Rainbow chimed in.
“How lovely,” Sunset said as she looked at her friends and realized something odd. “So… is there any reason you all look like you've seen a ghost?”
The six girls looked at each other with forced smiles. “Well, lately, there's… been this creepy guy dressed in a black tuxedo who's been asking to see you…” Rainbow began.
“And…?”
“Well, he keeps saying you're ‘the chosen one’ because you saw the Goatman,” Fluttershy continued.
“Wait, what?” Sunset asked, her left eye twitching.
“We don't get it either,” Twilight said.
“Well, tell him I don't care,” Sunset said adamantly.
“Yeah...” Rainbow glanced outside the room window. “About that… he’s outside waiting to talk to you.”
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Okay, it's official here. This Sunset is Dean Winchester and his brother reincarnated. Now... Just add an Impala...
But in all seriousness, not half bad of a story. Balanced the horror and comedy quite well I think.
8228327 You think I balanced the two well? I'm rather amazed to hear that. One of my biggest concerns with the story when writing it was that the tonal shifts would be jarring.
I'm glad you enjoyed it though! Thanks so much for reading!
This story was different than i expected, and mean it in a good way.
This story is said to be a mix of comedy and horror though i mostly see horror. I wonder if you wrote this as a homage to 80's slasher films?
8228545
Well... the title itself is a reference to one of the earliest. ;)
8228588
Came it in 1976, and is completely unrelated to the Goatman.
Though i still liked the story, but will it just end on a cliffhanger?
8228607 Oh, I was just saying that the title's a reference to a slasher movie.
To answer your initial question: it's not meant to be an homage... but I see your point. It does feel like one. I quite like that view tbh.
Also makes the title more fitting! :3
Also, I hope not. I'd like to write a sequel...
But this story was EXTREMELY exhausting to write. Maybe next year.
I need a break from the Goatman!
8228618
Take the break you need, i consider this one of your best so far of what I've seen.
Fuckin' awesome.
9/10
8230277 Thanks! Glad you liked it! :)
I just did a review of this story. Click here if you want to see it.
It felt too funny to be scary and too scary to be funny to me.
The main characters (Sunset, Goatman, and Twilight) all felt like they had multiple personalities cause they all kept changing their minds or acting like different people sometimes. Apparently though you said there were two Goatmen I think? So that could explain why he wasn't trying to kill her half the time.
Still feels like a wasted plot point to have two of them when the only thing the passive one was used for was making the other ones motives unclear. Like no fake out where Sunset kills the wrong one and after resting up and healing gets ambushed by the one trying to kill her? Or after killing the right one gets scared out of her mind when the second one shows up just to find out it's more benevolent?
That's just the Goatmen though, Sunset also feels inconsistent throughout the story, swapping through wanting to run, fight, or just being apathetic. It's played off as her bad decision making and swapping between these over the course of the entire story would be fine, but she swaps between them multiple times over the course a night.
I'm gonna kill this thing, fuck it I'm done, oh shit why am I still here, I need to lock myself up, oh nevermind why bother, oh shit run, fuck you I'ma kill you, time for school. It's wildly inconsistent and made me less attached to Sunset as a character.
Finally though we have Twilight. She's all over the place too. Doubting at first, then finding out it's real, being terrified, then just going straight back to sleep? Whining and trying to get Sunset to go out in the woods after finding out they're in danger? Then just "Having" to leave? It's like you couldn't decide if she should care for her friend or get out of the way so you could just have it be Sunset alone. It even continues on till the end where Twilight reacts like she never slept over and saw the creature in the first place
If one of the Twilight's was meant to be a dream/hallucination/imposter then the character needed a tell that gives the reader cause to question whether it's really them/they're not themselves. (mind controlled or something) Otherwise I'm thinking it was an unintentional leftover from a previous draft of the story because you already did the tell thing really well with the dream monster having red eyes.
Don't feel discouraged though I've seen a lot worse, I know I have this wall of text pointing out things I felt weren't great but if your story was terrible I wouldn't have bothered commenting in the first place.
8234088 I'm not discouraged.
In fact, I'm rather happy. Far more often than not, I never get criticism and that's more discouraging to me as it makes me feel like I'll make the same mistakes over and over and over again (insert Vaas meme here).
I blame the inconsistencies on my own ineptitude though. That said, I'm glad you found that dream thing good... considering I thought it'd be hated by almost everyone.
Thanks for the feedback though! I appreciate it. I'll try my best to put it to good use considering I rarely write "serious" stories like this...
P.S., And just to be a smart ass, you put "if" instead of "it" at the start of your review.
8234303
Ah missed that typo. Was originally going to comment on King of Madness's review blog but decided to post it here as it became longer.
Rewrote the opening statement like 3 or 4 times. I try to watch my wording very carefully to avoid intentionally or unintentionally insulting.
As for the dream sequence, I think it's just really easy to get them wrong. Also the whole "it was a dream the whole time" ending to a story really gives dream sequences a bad name.
These are just personal opinions but I feel dream sequences need:
1) A careful setup so the reader doesn't realize the exact moment it started until the end
2) Very subtle hints that don't immediately shout dream but looking back make you notice the difference.
3) A tell specifically for the reader, the more subtle the better, that gives that Oh moment.
4) A reveal, the set moment that acts as the tell for the character dreaming. I feel like it's very important that the tell and the reveal be very close together. The longer you spend knowing something the character doesn't the more frustrating it gets.
Your subtle transition to the dream with "her body relaxing before a thought struck her". The way her thoughts turned into conversations at that point "It's no doubt sleeping. Go find it. Do it. End it all now.". That moment you mention it's red eyes, when up until then they had always pointedly and prominently been yellow, a reveal subtle enough to be mistaken for an actual change rather than the blunt force trauma inducing tells a lot of people resort to (I.E. Starlight's dream in the season finale). And then having her wake up just before the blow right after. Yeah I'd say it's a good dream sequence.
8234613 I'll keep that in mind for future stories.
Also, I'm... sorry this story wasn't all it could've been. To be 100% brutally honest, I blame that on the fact almost every other story of mine has been a very silly, almost sketch-like comedy (it's... my thing I guess).
This was my first attempt at a real story (for the lack of a better way to put it). I know that may seem like an excuse—and I'm not intending for that, but I really appreciate you and 8231144 both having left reviews. I really want to branch out and write more stories like this. I'm working on another, uh, legitimate story and the fact two people actually left criticism makes me happier than you can imagine.
Honestly, the fact I usually get down votes without any feedback kills me. I think it may be why so many of my comedies were the same. I'd get "I liked this!" comments without... anything else. I've made several blogs asking people as to what they dislike about my writing and... yeah.
So, yeah. I appreciate this more than you can imagine.
Harsh or not, I'm just glad you both pointed out the flaws.
Also, the inconsistent characters... yeah, that's something I greatly feared. I blame it on me wanting to balance the horror and comedy. It was me wanting the characters to fit the tone. I had no idea as to how to do that without them bending to that tone...
Anyways, sorry for the long reply. I guess I got carried away...
8235127
Don't apologize for making a long comment. That's appreciated; it shows worksmenship... or something like that.
Anyway, I'm glad to be of service. Like you, I crave this kind of criticism and I'm glad to give it to other people. In fact, I'm going to look through your other stories and give my thoughts and criticism on each of them; as well as your future stories.
And if you wouldn't mind doing the same for me, I would appreciate it as much as you do.
8235181 I'll look through one tonight before I head off to sleep
I do appreciate you looking through my stories though. It's much, much appreciated!
8235202
No problem. I love helping people out.
Quite interesting.
8477688 Glad you enjoyed it! It was the first... story (I guess, it's the first one that felt like one to me anyways) I wrote (as opposed to the stories that felt like sketches).
What exactly about it did you find interesting if I may ask?
8477722
The detail and the fact that at times the monster seemed nice only to resume scaring the crap out of Sunset later.....I would love a sequel or a tie in story.
8477733 I might write as sequel next year, but there's no guarantee. This story was absolute hell to write.
If you're interested though, I have another horror story that will be lengthy planned for next year called Visitors, which is about alien abduction (Starlight and Spike are the victims to be exact!)
Also, super glad you enjoyed the detail! I tried the best I could to make it as detailed as possible. ^_^
8477766
Ah I was hoping for a continuation of this timeline also your welcome!!!!!
8477784 Well, I'll never rule out that possibility. I do have an idea if I do decide to write a sequel, and I do think it's rather cool.
8477959
Please do!!!!!
8478002 If I do, it'll be during spring. There are a handful of stories I wanna write.
So... I'll do my best. :) Aight? ^^
8478011
K just as long as you do.