After defeating King Sombra and helping to save the Crystal Empire, the Mane 6 should've been completely done with him, right? Wrong! King Sombra suddenly returns! Like in a physical body and everything. Does he want revenge for his plans to return to power being ruined? Does he want to try and enslave Ponyville? Only the dark unicorn King can answer these questions.
*This takes place somewhere between seasons 5 and 6, so if there are any inconsistencies occur, you know why*
Don't worry, I will return to this story once I get over my writers block
Chapters (2)
Pinky pie wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that twilight was dead, and they wouldn't have just sat there crying, you had a good idea for them trying to find her immediately. Otherwise this was rather nicely done.
Also, first comment!!
7966765 I know Pinkie wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that Twilight was dead and the others wouldn't have started crying, but since it's an alternate world I figured they would. But thanks for the comment.
This is great! I am on the edge of my seat and waiting for more! Who would have known that this title also shares my name... huh... Anyway King Sombra is boss, he has Twilight, the girls are freaking out, and He returned due to twilight. What could go wrong!?
Oh I know... EVERYTHING! I can't wait for more of this story. Keep on writing my friend!
Without sounding like a nerd...
This is in the passive voice. You can change it to active voice by writing: "Became"
Firstly, her bunny is called 'Angel Bunny', but if you want to keep it the way it is now, you need a comma after'bunny.' Secondly, you were rather specific about what the others were doing, so at least find something that Twilight would probably actually look up.
There should be a comma after 'deep,' and an Oxford comma after 'dark,' but only if you always use one.
That should be 'echoed.'
This should be changed to something like: 'It was so low at first, only Twilight could hear it.'
There should be a comma after 'even,' the first 'time,' 'something,' and the second 'sure.'
'Sugarcube is one word, and i feel like AJ is more likely to say 'it's,' rather than 'it is.' If you want emphasis on the 'is,' you should put it in italics.
People usually say 'don't get me wrong' if they like something, but Rainbow is shown to mostly hate reading. You also need a comma after the 'wrong.'
You should use a comma after 'soon,' and I suggest replacing one of the 'the room's with another noun.
I think that 'panicked as' would look better here
As most things in the show are ponies, the term doesn't need to be used here. I aslo think that getting rid of the second 'King' and replacing the first with 'self-proclaimed king' would look more interesting here.
I'll probably ginish this later, but at least you know what to look for! :)
7967305 Thanks for the pointers. Without being sarcastic, should I come to you as my editor?
7967304 Yeah, that is pretty weird. I never thought I'd meet a user with the same name as one of my stories
7968330 Umm... maybe? It's a lot of work, but maybe if you got some others too, then... yeah, sure, sugar~!